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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Snide comment from MIL,AIBU?

109 replies

Jellybubbamama0987 · 22/02/2018 22:53

My MIL is a lovely woman and has been really helpful since I met her DS however there are times where I feel there’s been a few snide comments and this last one has really wound me up so guys help me AIBU?
My DD is 5 and I’ll admit I love a bargain so majority of her clothes are charity shop finds or hand me downs from our wonderful NDN so she has a shed load of beautiful, hardly worn, well looked after clothes both her size and next size up. We’re looking round a well known supermarket and I note the lovely clothes they have to offer and she slips in “ why don’t you spend some of her family allowance on some new clothes?” And “that it would be nice for DD to have some brand new clothes you know” Just how many clothes does she need?! I’ve got a 5 drawer chest filled with clothes, a wardrobe plus a few boxes because I have no where to store them otherwise so where exactly does she expect me to put these “brand new clothes”? I do buy her the occasional new item but I limit the amount as the above problem is there. I’m a SAHM as I care for my disabled partner so can’t work,money is tight and she’s pretty well off , so AIBU to pretty much not give into the pressure I’m feeling to buy clothes she most likely will never get round to wearing as she has more clothes that she could possibly wear before she outgrows them? Or is my anxiety issues making a mountain out of a mole hill and I should just ignore the mad fool and carry on?

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 23/02/2018 08:29

It's a time issue as well. I don't have hours to spend looking round charity shops for stuff that fits me or the kids. Much easier in normal shops where there is a variety of sizes!

Bluedoglead · 23/02/2018 08:30

Also. Why were you commenting on the lovely clothes on the supermarket if it doesn’t bother you? Perhaps she thought you were hinting that it bothered you slightly and were looking for approval to buy new?

OwlinaTree · 23/02/2018 08:32

We have some hand me downs though.

Only1scoop · 23/02/2018 08:32

'Also. Why were you commenting on the lovely clothes on the supermarket if it doesn’t bother you? Perhaps she thought you were hinting that it bothered you slightly and were looking for approval to buy new?'

I thought this too

She may have just been meaning it as 'go for it' a treat now and then is ok.

HungerOfThePine · 23/02/2018 08:33

When I was a child we would get hand me downs and tbh I was embarrassed but only because we hardly got new clothes and my mum appeared to resent buying school shoes even. Maybe she didn't but that was my perception.

My dc wears a mixture of new and charity finds. Some of the best stuff that I wouldn't normally buy comes from charity shops.
Her dgm is a pro at charity finds yet has expensive and particular taste.

Shoes, and any type of underwear are always bought new.

There's a good balance to be Had, there's a massive difference between charity/hand me down scruff to 2nd hand gems.

Chopchopbusybusy · 23/02/2018 08:36

It doesn’t sound like a snide comment to me. You commented on the lovely new clothes in the supermarket and she suggested buying some.
My Mum always bought me either second hand clothes or the cheapest new stuff she could find. I never commented on it so maybe she thought I was happy about it. I wasn’t. I just resented it in silence.

MiaowTheCat · 23/02/2018 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluedoglead · 23/02/2018 08:38

As an aside, if you’re caring for your partner, full time, do go to CAB or similar andcheck you’re getting all the benefits you’re entitled to.

NoSquirrels · 23/02/2018 08:41

ignore the mad fool and carry on?

This. But maybe accept less stuff/but less from charity shops if it’s in ALL your storage.

My D.C. are lucky enough to get bags of hand-me-downs. Often there are new, unworn, tagged items in there too. All great quality “fashionable” stuff. They know they can choose what they like from the bags, and are under no obligation to like or wear something if it’s not to their taste. They love it! As a consequence I buy very little - but do get odd bits. Youngest is quite often bought clothes for a post-Christmas birthday by relatives, and both lots of grandparents enjoy shopping/buying clothes so they’re never short of “new” things.

Secondhand is great & I have no idea how we’ll afford teen years!

popsugar · 23/02/2018 08:41

I've been buying loads of eBay this week some new with tags others hardly worn, ideal for dd especially for preschool/childminder clothes as she always comes home with mud, paint etc on her... I begrudge spending on nice stuff for it to get ruined

nobutreally · 23/02/2018 08:43

If (as you say) to date she's been lovely, I really can't see why you'd worry too much about this: you mention the clothes are nice, she 'gives permission' for you to buy some. She might have loved the idea of helping you pick something out for dd, and as others have said, is probably projecting her feelings: I suspect lots of us remember having hand-me-downs that we didn't like/weren't in style any longer etc. Obviously at 5 years your dd isn't likely to be feeling any of that, but if she's usually helpful and nice, I'd assume her comment is coming from a place of love, and move on.

Schlimbesserung · 23/02/2018 08:44

I don't shop in charity shops (none near me) but we've always been given loads of clothes (probably because of the no charity shops thing). I buy new when we don't happen to have been given whatever it is that has been grown out of or worn out (and shoes are always new for each child) and anything obviously worn-looking is recycled, but my kids have never said anything about having second hand clothes. And two of them are teenagers.

One has Rules about clothes, but that's to do with not having patterns of logos on anything, not where they came from. I've tried to involve them in choosing clothes, but they genuinely don't care. If pressed they will usually tell me to choose whatever I like. Except for the youngest, who will sometimes ask for anything with Paw Patrol on it.

To be honest OP, if you have too many clothes (and it sounds like you really do) then it would be better to keep the money you would spend on six or seven charity shop outfits and buy one new one every now and then. By having so many and buying more you aren't really teaching good habits, because you are still over-consuming.

Hastalapasta · 23/02/2018 08:45

Meh, Ignore her.
I can afford new clothes, but feel it is more environmentally conscious to support the local charity shops and graciously accept hand me downs Grin

Qvar · 23/02/2018 08:47

Unless all of this comes from your NDN it sounds like you have been spending quite a bit in charity shops - it's not a bargain or cheap if you don't need it.

Jesus fucking Christ mind your own business

MsGameandWatching · 23/02/2018 09:02

The OP made it everyone's business when she posted here surely. Even yours with your commenting on other people's opinion...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/02/2018 09:09

Does MIL buy DD new clothes, surely if it's that important she should be doing?!

RainDogs · 23/02/2018 09:13

It seems to me that, in this country, attitudes to secondhand clothes are partly determined by social class -- I notice that some lower-middle-class people in particular (and it may also in part be generational) have a rooted horror of secondhand clothing as being associated with poverty and lack of aspiration.

Whereas when I was briefly moving in Oxford NCT circles attended mostly by fairly prosperous middle and upper-middle-class types, everyone's kids lived in the same handmedown but well-preserved Boden, which had been doing the rounds of anyone in the group who had a child of the right size for years and no longer even 'belonged' to anyone.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/02/2018 09:19

Yes I agree with that Rain.

Willow2017 · 23/02/2018 09:20

popsugar
When kids were younger i got stuff on ebay still with tags/in great condition for a fraction of the price i would have paid in shops.

I buy stuff in charity shops/ebay for me too and kids used to love raking in charity shops for toys.

FinallyHere · 23/02/2018 09:30

Is your MIL is projecting her own feelings about clothes onto your DD. How does your DD feel?

I know people who loved 'nice' clothes, who would look forward to new clothes. I only ever associated them with being told off for not keeping them clean and still today much prefer wearing comfortable clothes. I'm sure that you will adjust to suit your child, as well as your budget.

Aridane · 23/02/2018 09:32

I don't think the comment was necessarily snide - though it sounds like it hit some sensitivities

orangesticker · 23/02/2018 09:47

The snide bit was mentioning the family allowance.

Redken24 · 23/02/2018 09:50

Weirdly my stepmum mentions the fact that I get stuff of eBay.
Let it run of your back as your child could care less where the clothes come from. I'd rather have a little bit extra cash to buy my dd better shoes 😂 honestly agree with others about new clothes about the fear of keeping clean

OutyMcOutface · 23/02/2018 09:55

I only buy new clothes for my son but that's because it all goes to his younger brother and wouldn't last if it was second hand. I buy second hand for myself all the time though-my favourite dress is a parisian second hand shop find. I oftenfindbuting second hand a little bit more special than buying new-I have one gorgeous 1930's evenibggiwnfir example. I like to pull it out sometimes and just think about who wove the silk, who sourced it, who made the dress pattern, who stitched it, who it belonged to (thecut and style wouldsuufest a girl in her late teens/early twenties), were they excited about it, where did they wear it etc. The suggestion that second hand clothes are a bit sadisjiat silly.

DeathStare · 23/02/2018 09:55

Isn't it funny that hand-me-downs from outside the immediate family are somehow seen as different to those from siblings. I don't think my youngest has had brand new clothes for years. Pretty much all of hers have been passed down from her siblings. Nobody is ever judgey about that.