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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Snide comment from MIL,AIBU?

109 replies

Jellybubbamama0987 · 22/02/2018 22:53

My MIL is a lovely woman and has been really helpful since I met her DS however there are times where I feel there’s been a few snide comments and this last one has really wound me up so guys help me AIBU?
My DD is 5 and I’ll admit I love a bargain so majority of her clothes are charity shop finds or hand me downs from our wonderful NDN so she has a shed load of beautiful, hardly worn, well looked after clothes both her size and next size up. We’re looking round a well known supermarket and I note the lovely clothes they have to offer and she slips in “ why don’t you spend some of her family allowance on some new clothes?” And “that it would be nice for DD to have some brand new clothes you know” Just how many clothes does she need?! I’ve got a 5 drawer chest filled with clothes, a wardrobe plus a few boxes because I have no where to store them otherwise so where exactly does she expect me to put these “brand new clothes”? I do buy her the occasional new item but I limit the amount as the above problem is there. I’m a SAHM as I care for my disabled partner so can’t work,money is tight and she’s pretty well off , so AIBU to pretty much not give into the pressure I’m feeling to buy clothes she most likely will never get round to wearing as she has more clothes that she could possibly wear before she outgrows them? Or is my anxiety issues making a mountain out of a mole hill and I should just ignore the mad fool and carry on?

OP posts:
Gide · 23/02/2018 06:56

Ignore. Why would you buy more when you have loads?

olympicsrock · 23/02/2018 07:36

I do exactly the same as you. My boys wear their cousins and a friends ds’ hand me downs. We have a relatively high household income . I just see it as the right thing to do not to bin perfectly nice clothes with plenty of wear left in them.

GrannyGrissle · 23/02/2018 07:38

I agree Lilqueenie DD4 gets so much stuff/books because of charity shop bargains.

NewYearNewMe18 · 23/02/2018 07:44

Theres nothing wrong with hand-me-downs but I still feel the sense of embarrassment when I had to stand in assembly at primary school for some award or another in quite obviously second hand clothes.

It is nice to have new, personal things.

BeyondThePage · 23/02/2018 07:46

My DDs used to love the hand-me-downs - I wouldn't buy some of the stuff that my friend bought her older girls - so they saw it as their chance to shine "fashionably" whenever a bin bag full came our way.

(we could afford a good winter coat for each, there were often 2 or 3 "fun" coats - shaggy ones, My little pony logoed etc - fun but not essentials, they used to ooooo and ahhhhh over the contents of the bags.)

Bluedoglead · 23/02/2018 07:47

I do think as your daughter gets older it will be good for her self esteem to have some new stuff that she has chosen herself.

It’s not nice to always be second hand Annie.

EllieMe · 23/02/2018 07:52

If you can afford it then it's lovely for your DD to have new clothes that she's chosen for herself.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 23/02/2018 07:55

I was massively into secondhand clothes when dc were little as well as new, tk max, supermarket.. My dc looked so sell dressed!
Go to any car boot and I always struck Jack pot, super gorgeous clothes hardly worn and your talking pennies, 20p, for beautiful jumper etc because people want to get rid.

I never saw it as dressing down by dc but a way for me on limited budget to dress them up in better clothes that I couldn't afford new.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 23/02/2018 07:57

I buy much more new now but still not adverse to charity shop finds at all

MsGameandWatching · 23/02/2018 07:58

I disagree that DD will necessarily feel self conscious about second hand clothes. OP has the chance to raise a confident daughter and impart her values whether they are about

-ethical consumption
- the fun of a bargain find
- the history of a pre loved object
- not defining yourself by material possessions.
- there being no shame in being less well off than others

And that's all very well but sometimes a child just wants a brand new sparkly thing that never belonged to anyone else and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Adults too for that matter.

OP if your child has so many second hand clothes that she can't possibly wear them then you're over consuming and spending quite a lot anyway aren't you? The charity shops where I am aren't that much less for decent, quality items. I don't get that part of it.

Bluedoglead · 23/02/2018 07:59

Primark stuff is dearer in the charity shops where I am. And much of the kids stuff is tatty.

Bluedoglead · 23/02/2018 08:00

Does all your own stuff comes from hand me downs from a NDN and charity shops op?

saladdays66 · 23/02/2018 08:02

Just tell her dd has enough clothes.

Perhaps MIL would like to buy her clothes for xmas if she thinks dd would like new clothes?

Or tell her that you're grateful for all the clothes you've been given as dd has no idea now whether they're new or not.

This will not always be the case (expenisve teenage years coming up. Save your money for then.)

And you're caring for her disabled son? How long have you been together?

greendale17 · 23/02/2018 08:03

**I do think as your daughter gets older it will be good for her self esteem to have some new stuff that she has chosen herself.

It’s not nice to always be second hand Annie.**

^Completely agree.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 23/02/2018 08:04

-ethical consumption
- the fun of a bargain find
- the history of a pre loved object
- not defining yourself by material possessions.
- there being no shame in being less well off than others

I suspect if a child wanted something nice and new of their own and was given that lecture it would have exactly the opposite effect you think it would.

That sounds a recipe for resentment.

Only1scoop · 23/02/2018 08:04

TBH I'm not sure it was said in a snide way. How does she know all your dd clothes are hand me downs. Do you tell her?? Maybe she was just trying to say to you it's ok to splash out occasionally.

Bluedoglead · 23/02/2018 08:04

I remember DS picking a long sleeve tee I hated. From the supermarket. I had fuck all I’d left his dad and was shit poor and I stretched to buy it. He must’ve been 4

He wore that tee til it was in bits. He loved it.

Most of his stuff was hand me downs or second hand. But he loved that tee.

Only1scoop · 23/02/2018 08:05

'I do think as your daughter gets older it will be good for her self esteem to have some new stuff that she has chosen herself.

It’s not nice to always be second hand Annie.*'

I agree with this

elisenbrunnen · 23/02/2018 08:05

Blueddoglead - I can't answer for the OP but all my clothes (exception of jeans and shoes) come from charity shops. And I bought in charity shops when my kids were small too.

Much cheaper, usually good quality and good for the environment too.

Bluedoglead · 23/02/2018 08:07

I bought in charity shops. I took hand me downs. For myself and the kids. I couldn’t afford not to.

But it’s horrible. It’s grotty and shitty and it feels demeaning to have everything always second hand.

It’s nice to have something you picked yourself. You actively chose. Because you liked it.

Marcine · 23/02/2018 08:10

Mine are entirely clothed in hand me downs and ebay bargains, - they end up with much nicer stuff, Next, Gap, Joules, than I would buy. I usually get some 'fun' clothes from H&M for Christmas.
Oldest is 7.5 and none of them have complained yet.

Hellothereitsme · 23/02/2018 08:11

My son has always sworn hand me downs or second hand clothes. Now age 13 he is a nightmare re clothes and accuses me of making him wear second hand pants....which I didn’t. My mum wore charity shop clothes as a child so as an adult had a real issue with those ships and felt that she had made it as she didn’t need to rely on charity anymore. I doubt your MIL meant anything by it.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 23/02/2018 08:13

I have a shopping system with my friend. She gives me stuff for my eldest i give stuff for her youngest. It means my eldest gets nice clothes but then I can buy him the expensive football top he wants or the leather jacket. He loves it. My friend gets really lovely dresses that have been worn a handful of times.

booellesmum · 23/02/2018 08:14

When my 2 were small they mostly wore 2nd hand stuff or charity shop stuff - my mother loved hunting for bargains! They didn't care and lived looking through the bags of second hand stuff we got.
Now they are teens they choose their own clothes and don't have as much stuff as it's more expensive.

Willow2017 · 23/02/2018 08:24

My kids have always had a mix of new and second hand clothes from friends, relatives and charity shops Now they are teens they dont give a damm for 'designer' clothes. They wear what they like no matter where it comes from.

Dont give in to your mil. Do what suits you nobody else.

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