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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Are first borns the favoured child?

123 replies

hellohellohellohellohello · 22/02/2018 13:25

Just that really. Has anyone found this to be the case? I'm expecting a child with my partner who has a child already. I love them both to bits, but I'm having some anxiety as to whether my partners first born will be the favoured child. I know I'm being stupid, but just looking for some opinions!

OP posts:
FranticallyPeaceful · 22/02/2018 15:49

I bonded with my second way faster actually. I love them both equally but in very different ways... although the bottom line is that I’d rip my own heart out for both of them equally

Strokethefurrywall · 22/02/2018 15:51

Evelynismycatsformerspyname - this is exactly what I referred to in my post as well.

I know that I do it. I know that I expect far less of my DS2 at 4 years old than I did of DS1 when he was 4. And I expect Ds1 to make exceptions for Ds2.
DH still babies DS2, giving him baby cutlery for example, or largely neglecting to include him in a game because he thinks DS2 doesn't "get it" - I'm very aware that this is the way we think which is a totally unconscious decision and I"m working to rectify it, or at least even it out.

I'm working very hard to make sure they are seen as individuals and play to each of their strengths but I think when you're trying to parent children in the same way, it's easy to lump them into one group without seeing them individually and treating them accordingly.

margaritasbythesea · 22/02/2018 15:58

Not in my or DHs family, no.

OutyMcOutface · 22/02/2018 16:02

No. The only instances of favoured first burns I have come across occur when younger siblings completely screw up (the end up in jail addicted to drugs typescrew up).

RoyalBelum · 22/02/2018 16:07

most parents tend to see the oldest as capable and self sufficient and therefore largely ignore them unless they screw up or are needed to be capable and handle something

disagree, I see completely the opposite. The first child, you have more time - and patience - so you treat them more like a "baby" for longer. 2 and 3 make the house busier, there's less time so they are just expected to get on with it more.

You concentrate on the first step of the oldest - riding bike, 1st day at school, but it's much less of a big deal for the youngest.

An example: I have seen many friends pureeing all the baby food for the 1st one. From 2 and 3, it was baby-led weaning because they didn't have time or will to make separate food and everybody was given the same.

It has his benefits for the kids, the youngest get later curfew than the oldest for example

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 22/02/2018 16:09

You could look to his birth family to see if there are any patterns. Sometimes these things can be generational so if his parents favoured an older child then maybe he will. Or maybe in your family the oldest was favoured which is why you think his oldest will be favoured.

It is funny with more children, although you need to divide your time with each additional child, you seem to get more love so you don't divide your love.

It will be different being half siblings and I imagine that there will be ongoing issues over dividing time and resources but it needent feel as if your child is less favoured. Do be prepared that you will feel fiercely protective of your own child which may affect how you view any conflicts.

mikeyssister · 22/02/2018 16:13

I asked my kids this recently and they all named a different child as my favourite. I always tell them they're wrong and that I hate each of them equally Grin

AEJS · 22/02/2018 16:45

Not in my experience.
I am the eldest and didn't get any love as a child compared to my brother and sister. The whole of my childhood has led to me suffering from complex MH problems and is the reason why I am not in contact with anyone from my birth family.

With my own DCs I was determined to treat them fairly and love them the same. When I was pg with DS I was scared I wouldn't love him as much as I loved DD but as soon as he was born I knew my worries had been unfounded. The love just grew instantly and there is no way I could ever choose between them. I love them equally and powerfully.

Chocolatesaveslives · 22/02/2018 16:55

My mum has 4 kids, my brother, her 3rd child, is so clearly the golden child. Definitely not a case of first being the most precious in my family.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 22/02/2018 17:16

Royal the first born only gets more time while they are an only child. For many this is only the baby and early toddler years - often over before they turn 2 or 3.

As soon as the second is born the oldest seems massive and grown up, and many, many parents expect levels of patience, forbearance, understanding and unselfishness from a very young dc1 which they will never ask / unconsciously expect of younger siblings. Elders are always hearing "she/ he didn't mean to scribble on your picture/ break your favourite toy/ bite you/ spoil your sleepover/ interrupt you telling me something really important to you, say something upsetting etc etc - he or she is too young to understand, you need to make allowances/ be more understanding, you're the big one/ you're old enough to understand/ you should be worried about whether your little sibling is hurt, not upset that he's broken your treasured item etc.

The little siblings somehow always remain too young to understand, and the oldest always has to be the one with the emotional maturity to take what they fish out - woe betide an older sibling who hits back, no matter how small the age gap, the oldest is always wrong with some parents, regardless of how little the oldest is themselves. A 4 year old eldest is reviled for retaliating if a 2 year old hurts them but when that 2 year old is 4 they are still granted this special status versus the long suffering eldest.

UNLESS parents are actually aware they do it and constantly check themselves.

Youngest can end up missing out on 1:1 time definitely, but they are never expected to be grown up about a sibling hurting them, interrupting their heart to hearts, breaking their things, spoiling their games etc (unless perhaps the older one has special needs, in which case birth order roles can sometimes be reversed).

TheRagingGirl · 22/02/2018 17:27

No, ime first borns are the ones given the 'naughty' label. I'm the firstborn: I'm no less loved, but I am definitely far more (and more harshly) judged.

This.

I wasn't labelled as "naughty" but I was seen as the "difficult" one. I'm the eldest of quite a lot of children (6) all born very close together (6 over 8 years, my poor mother!) and when I was 16 months my next sibling was born (definitely the favourite) and born rather sickly.

So I had to grow up quite quickly. I had to stop being a baby straightaway. Never the favourite - always the one who had to give way.

TheRagingGirl · 22/02/2018 17:28

As soon as the second is born the oldest seems massive and grown up, and many, many parents expect levels of patience, forbearance, understanding and unselfishness from a very young dc1 which they will never ask / unconsciously expect of younger siblings

I'm with my people on this thread!

@Evelynismycatsformerspyname that describes my childhood ...

BlurryFace · 22/02/2018 17:32

No, of the 4 of us dad's fave is kid 3, mum's fave is kid 4. Of my two kids, I really don't have a favourite though I do have to treat them differently due to DS2 having extra needs.

RoyalBelum · 22/02/2018 17:36

the first born only gets more time while they are an only child.
I disagree, you make more efforts because you are conscious of the disruption the new ones are making. By definition, the youngest have never know a house without other children, so are less bothered. Mine didn't like to be left home with me when the others were going to school one little bit!

StickThatInYourPipe · 22/02/2018 17:41

I was! Still am Grin

Only child though obvs!

I don’t think this is the case and certainly not in my friends cases.

Clearlynotmyname · 22/02/2018 17:51

I am an only child and somehow still not the favourite Grin. Seriously, DH agrees with me. My parents just sort of had (and still have) other priorities.

notgivingin789 · 22/02/2018 17:55

I only have the one DC but if I had more, I would most probably love them all equally. However, I will feel closest to my first DS, simply because I had him very young and ina way, he grew up with me and I’ve spent more years with him.

Ellendegeneres · 22/02/2018 17:55

Interesting question. I like one kid more than the other a lot of the time- depending on who’s acting like a little sod and who’s being angelic- they can never both be good at the same time!
But I love them both in scary measures, I would do anything to keep them safe and happy, and spend all my time effort and money doing so. I can’t see either growing older thinking I loved their sibling more.

ferrier · 22/02/2018 17:59

Nope. Some families/parents I know seem to have a favoured child but not based on birth order. Most common one is the dad favouring a boy.

TheRagingGirl · 22/02/2018 18:02

So although i love them both equally I prefer the company of my second

And your first will know this, and will react accordingly. S/he will probably feel that they are less loved, and certainly not favoured. seeing that one's parent prefers the company of another sibling can be quite painful.

RoyalBelum · 22/02/2018 18:07

Most common one is the dad favouring a boy
I seriously doubt that, "daddy's girls" are just as common.

FilthyforFirth · 22/02/2018 18:07

Definitely not. I am the eldest of 4 and most definitely my fathers least favourite child. My MIL is utterly obsessed with my SIL and she is the youngest. My DH is the eldest and doesnt get a look in.

Touchmybum · 22/02/2018 20:19

Eldest of 4, and my baby sister was the favourite. I think I was second favourite though!

All three of mine reckon they are the favourite child - I tell them I hate them all the same! ;) They never seem to take me seriously; I wonder why?!

arethereanyleftatall · 22/02/2018 20:26

Not at all. My dd2 is the best person I have ever met. I have to try very very hard to make sure I treat pfb equally.

Iminthetiredmumsclub · 22/02/2018 20:29

I really like the middle one. However My husband is stepdad to the eldest two and the baby is his bio, and if he EVER and I honestly mean ever favoured her over the other two he's a dead man walking #doublestandards

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