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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL sucking on baby’s hand

328 replies

SilverBirchTree · 22/02/2018 06:23

My 4 month old baby is going through a phase of constantly sucking on his hands and fingers.

Yesterday MIL said to baby ‘you like having your fingers sucked don’t you?’ and proceeded to put her mouth around his entire hand and suck.

My involuntary facial expression was Shock. Seeing my reaction, MIL said in a baby voice ‘it’s good for my immunity mummy’ and then turned to the baby and in baby talk said ‘you need to build up your resistance. That’s a big word, resistance’ and so forth.

...She then continued to suck on his hands and fingers in front of me....

AIBU or is her behaviour as obnoxious as I feel it was?

I don’t mind people touching or kissing the baby’s hands... but full on coating them in saliva just seems disgusting. And odd. And bloody disrespectful to carry on with if you know the mother isn’t ok with it.

But I’m a first time pedantic mother so happy to be told I am wrong and overreacting.

Any immunity experts? Any MIL advice?

OP posts:
thisismadness77 · 23/02/2018 12:06

A stranger put her finger in my new baby’s mouth once. I have no words but share your pain...

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 23/02/2018 13:26

mad old badger 😂

ferrier · 23/02/2018 13:30

Really Ferrier you cant see the difference between you picking your babies fingers clean and granny submerging babies whole hand into her mouth>

Another wretched auto correct- Should have said licked not picked. And no I can't see the difference really. Family and friends often coochy coo over babies and some of them would have done things like this - my mil especially but never my mum - she would never have shown that degree of affection. Which is probably why I quite like it because it's showing affection. And communicating with the baby - all of which is good.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 23/02/2018 13:49

Having read the other thread, are his middle names Eat This And Fuck Off? 😂

GummyGoddess · 23/02/2018 13:58

It does get easier, but only after you have started setting out boundaries. After a few weeks (or months) they stop being a pain in the bum every visit and move to most visits. Then slowly it becomes less and less like a bizarre power struggle over how the child is being raised.

My PIL shot themselves in the foot really. I bent over backwards on ML to be accomodating, inviting them over weekly, cancelling friends, appointments, my own DM to facilitate their visiting times as well as then having a cranky baby for the rest of the day and into the night. Having it thrown back in my face just means that now they can only visit when DH is here which is at most once a fortnight. You may need to do the same, and ensure DH is onboard with the fact that you two are in charge of your own child, not them. It can be done nicely or it can be done horribly, it's their choice really.

inashizzle · 23/02/2018 14:10

Respect to you for not wanting to clamp your hands around MILs mouth and squeezing it shut. I avoid confrontation but your mother instincts to protect kick in, go with that.

I can remember her couple of family members feeding my baby; after each scoop with spoon they'd smooth off the excess in their mush and go to put soon into baby's mouth. Another one was where they'd 'clean' my baby's dummy by shoving it in their mush. Repulsive, again I let them know.

If she oversteps ever, downface her with a sweet tone, ' oh no, DH and I don't allow that'- let her know you're united.Tell DH you need to be seen singing from same hym sheet. Be honest and let him know the visits are overbearing and you'd feel they'd be all gaining if you all weren't on top of one another. If he needs to spell it out, so be it, they shouldn't be descending on your little family, wait to be invited or at least ring to see if you're busy.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 23/02/2018 14:13

Personally I don't think I ever stuck my own finger in babies mouth! I would have Been horrified if anyone felting they were ok to do it and to such a new tiny baby.
I was very aware of infection with my new borns, we are a shoes on house, not germ phobic and when the dc got a bit older and stronger we were very relaxed but not with a new born...

Thankfully the people who saw our baby were able to show affection in so many other ways Grin

tinytowtruck · 23/02/2018 15:35

I've always really struggled with confrontation but when my parents and PIL started ignoring my requests when dd arrived, I've had to step in and stand my ground and have gradually gained some confidence in doing so. I do sympathise op, my MIL especially always disrespects my opinion and it's very frustrating. It bothered me before dc but now just makes me furious!!

As disgusting as she is doing that to your baby, there's far more issues at hand here. She needs to learn to respect your parenting choices, full stop.
It doesn't matter if you ask them to remove their shoes, wash their hands and don't kiss your little one during the visit, they should do as you ask. Your baby, your home, your rules. Fuck their opinions.

PinkyBlunder · 23/02/2018 15:39

My MIL put her unwashed finger in my 2 day old DD’s mouth. I went nuts.

The thought of this is making me feel sick. It’s misguided at best and downright rude to ignore your reaction. YANBU.

NeepNeepNeep · 23/02/2018 15:58

To the people defending this, would you let an adult randomly stick their entire hand in your mouth and force you to suck it? No because it's disgusting. A baby can't stop an adult from doing anything so parents are there to protect them from such weirdness.

You are also needlessly overloading their mouths with bacteria which rots teeth. Lovely.

Boak boak boak Envy

NeepNeepNeep · 23/02/2018 16:06

I am so disgusted I got that all back to front but you get the idea!

Backenette · 23/02/2018 16:09

Yeeeesh. When my parents visited when Dh was little they changed clothes ‘we’ve been on the plane!’ And always washed hands

I remember the chicken nugget thread. They’re asserting dominance over you. They’re capable of modulating behaviour when Dh is around.

People like this are exhausting. De ent people respect boundaries and need to be told once. People like this you need to lay them down again and again,

Adopt an attitude that you're right and they’re absolutely bonkers. Thatsyoure starting point.
So not ‘please can you wash hands’ but ‘Of course you wash hands after weed killer good grief mil what a thing to even say’ accompanied by a look that suggests she’s insane.

You don’t ask people like this. You tell them. With your teeth bared from behind your line in the sand.

GiveMePrivacy · 23/02/2018 17:17

@sersioulycanitgetWORSE You're right. My middle name could well be Doormat so my judgement is a bit skewed I think. Learning a lot from reading all this.

user1488038434 · 23/02/2018 17:52

My mil used to stick her pinky in my baby’s mouth to soothe him. That was absolutely disgusting but this is beyond revolting 🤢

Roversandrhodes · 23/02/2018 17:54

Oh dear ,I’d have barfed in my mouth.I feel for you .

Jamala · 23/02/2018 17:57

Horrible. Poor baby. Poor you. Tell her you don't want her doing that.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 23/02/2018 18:20

Sounds perverted, TBH.

perfectstorm · 23/02/2018 18:25

That's really, really grim. And on the immunity front - babies get exposed to all the germs they need through normal interaction. They don't need adult saliva to aid that process.

And give her this, which clearly states she's exposing her grandchild to potential tooth decay. Adults have bacteria that causes this, and babies don't. They are infected when adults share food etc.

I had to tell my own mother to stop sucking the dummy to 'clean' it when it fell on the floor. We had clean ones; her mouth was not clean. That was grim as well, but at least she meant well. This is just ick without discernible intended benefit.

laura6032 · 23/02/2018 18:36

She's a weirdo, get a divorce now!!!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/02/2018 18:41

She's doing something that used to be considered "normal" but obviously now, with more healthcare info, isn't

When was this normal? I’m old my mums older and so was my grandma I’ve never seen or heard of this occurring.

FizzyGreenWater · 23/02/2018 19:03

How is your DH with all of this now?

Because I would suggest a change of tack. He has a Word. And the Word would be something along the lines of - 'I'm warning you both. You need to stop trying to swan in over Silver. Don't start - I know you, I know how you are, but you're frankly being rude. If a baby's mum asks you to wash your hands because you've been handling POISON - you do it! I'm telling you - you need to stop trying to flex your muscles with our baby. I know Silver, and I can see how hard she's trying to meet in the middle but you are being really cheeky and if it doesn't genuinely stop, we will end up moving.'

The weedkiller thing would have annoyed me a LOT more. I would have snapped. That's what's going to have to come next - if he won't or can't have an effective word.

topnan · 23/02/2018 19:05

Gross over reaction from most mums imho. Of course grannies used to do that. Nothing weird about sucking a baby’s hand, just another way of making lovely close contact. No wonder so many kids today have asthma and other immune system problems, looks like there’ll be a mega increase in the near future

stardust18 · 23/02/2018 19:07

That’s disgusting. It just turned my tummy over read it I think I might of been sick had I of witnessed it. Grim just grim 🤢🤮

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 23/02/2018 19:14

topnan how come so many of us have never witnessed or heard of it, then? Confused

Micksee15 · 23/02/2018 19:15

OMFG.....ive just gagged reading that, WTF????
gadz, get her told!