MIL sucking on baby’s hand

[SilverBirchTree]

My 4 month old baby is going through a phase of constantly sucking on his hands and fingers.

Yesterday MIL said to baby ‘you like having your fingers sucked don’t you?’ and proceeded to put her mouth around his entire hand and suck.

My involuntary facial expression was . Seeing my reaction, MIL said in a baby voice ‘it’s good for my immunity mummy’ and then turned to the baby and in baby talk said ‘you need to build up your resistance. That’s a big word, resistance’ and so forth.

...She then continued to suck on his hands and fingers in front of me....

AIBU or is her behaviour as obnoxious as I feel it was?

I don’t mind people touching or kissing the baby’s hands... but full on coating them in saliva just seems disgusting. And odd. And bloody disrespectful to carry on with if you know the mother isn’t ok with it.

But I’m a first time pedantic mother so happy to be told I am wrong and overreacting.

Any immunity experts? Any MIL advice?

Yes that was us as well.

Things have improved a lot since then. They were showing up in my garden and hanging around multiple times a week. DH and I put a stop to that and they now come (expressly invited) for one visit on the weekend and for one dinner midweek. Those times were chosen by me because DH is usually home then so I’m not left to navigate the awkwardness.

But because I changed the rules so much, and they now see less of the baby than they did before, I feel they think I’m a mean DIL constantly nagging and ruining their fun.

Poor you op and how many times do do you your parents seem the baby now?

You have totally ruined thier fun! One can only begin to imagine all the insane ideas she had having you so close!

You’re not a “mean dil” at all. She’s batshit and you have the patience of a bloody saint.

But - you are going to have to stand up for yourself a bit. I know it’s difficult when faced with passive aggressive twaddle, but you really need to. She has absolutely no respect for you, has she?

You aren't a mean DIL, you're an assertive and strong one who does not bend to their every whim without question. You even manage to do it without huge family fallouts.

You seem to have bent over backwards to be nice when any normal person would have flipped. If they weren't so insistent on getting their way and ignoring how you wish to parent, then everyone would get on absolutely fine.

Weird weird weird.
I thought initially I’d read this the wrong way. I thought it meant the mil had let baby suck her finger, as I’ve heard people complain about older relatives doing this and this would have been gross, but your mil sucking his whole hand!! Even worse that’s horrendous.
Her response was totally passive aggressive aswell.

I don't think you are a sexual predator, Shamelessly.
I think you're a little naive.

I also think, after reading that chicken nuggets thread , that this MIL is toxic and playing power games with the OP.

I suspect that the hand sucking and the incident with the weedkiller are payback to the OP for standing her ground over the christening party and especially for getting DH onside against them to call a halt to the dropping in madness. The weedkiller thing is most definitely territory marking on their part as the house is built on their plot. The hand sucking is a fighting gesture on MIL's part - a serious infringement of personal boundaries wrt the baby's body and also wrt the OP's position as the baby's mother and her position in her own home.

Eurrgghh!
unfortunately my mil did the same not so long ago to my son too. Its fucking vile and i think my face told her just that, the vile creature.

She's doing something that used to be considered "normal" but obviously now, with more healthcare info, isn't.

And that was never "normal", and I'm old enough to know. That was always "annoying" and "odd" and "what the hell does your mother think she's doing?"

And this particular MIL is clearly not very nice at all.

Btw I don’t think it’s sexual at all, but I take the earlier posters point about teaching children that their body is their own from an early age.

it’s just exhausting. I feel like we just had this big uncomfortable power struggle and now I have to have another one. Is the whole of parenting like this? Or are these just teething issues as we all find our place?

I feel like I already nag them a lot. One thing I’ve started to do is tell them to stop jiggling him if he’s just been fed, or if he’s getting close to having a sleep. I have to repeat myself a lot, because she stops for 30 seconds and then starts doing it again.

I can just imagine them complaining to DH and everyone else about their bossy, hovering, germophobic, daughter in law who won’t even let them hold a baby without telling them how.

So tired of it all

Can't you move further away from the Mil?

This may or may not have sexual overtones. I wouldn't rule it out.

It definitely has power overtones. Them asserting their power over the baby and you and ignoring your wishes. And the PA 'talking through the baby'...

I think it can happen to a greater or lesser extent in many families but your seems more extreme than most

Stay strong in your feelings OP.

I agree with Laiste BTW. When I had children in was the first time I really had to assert myself. I recall how uncomfortable it was at first

Do you have a sling? Put the baby in it and wear him for the duration of their visits.

I think the episode with the weedkiller shows they are prepared to do some risky things just to show you who is on top here, OP, and I don't think you should rule out the sexual /power trip association of ‘you like having your fingers sucked don’t you?’ This is how small children get groomed.

I feel like I already nag them a lot. One thing I’ve started to do is tell them to stop jiggling him if he’s just been fed, or if he’s getting close to having a sleep. I have to repeat myself a lot, because she stops for 30 seconds and then starts doing it again.

Honestly, when she starts again, go up to her, take the baby off her, repeat ‘Don’t do that’. You don’t need to have a struggle with her. This is your baby, what you want goes, end of. If she’s doing something you’ve said no to, then keep that boundary.

Op it's awful isn't it, and the last last last thing you would think any new mother would have to deal with .

But it's so common. And yes it's exhausting. Horrid, unpleasant and yes for me personally ruined my whole experience with my first child, they weren't even told for the second.
But they got wind and added pressure and unpleasantness. It's been a bloody nightmare all because one woman can choose to be respectful, kind, and have a few boundaries.

Because like your Mil she is warped, has muddled thinking and yes is on a power trip.

I totally agree with manth that this is massive power trip. Can you imagine just how much she harangue her son over christening!! How much it meant to her she is seething with jealousy. Seething but your not playing ball.

I wouldn't under estimate that. It's so hard but you have to find a way of not caring what they think of you or even of keeping the peace. To be honest I'm wondering about your husband not realising what his dm like and having you living on site. Or him being her mouth price when baby was born instead of telling her like it is.
You have been put in horrid position here... I think the only way to deal with it is not care and just say what you need to say.
I would also be start to throw out lines like... Oh dear its been a mistake to move here, get estate agent leaflet and leave then out have right move on lap top..

Blimey! I used to pick my babies' fingers clean if I couldn't see a cloth to hand. Can't see any difference really.

Frankly keeping your baby away from poisons and telling people not to suck him isn’t really weird behaviour grin

couldnt help but laugh at this - .

Really Ferrier you cant see the difference between you picking your babies fingers clean and granny submerging babies whole hand into her mouth>

Do you have a sling? Put the baby in it and wear him for the duration of their visits.
Great idea, @mathanxiety. I carried all mine in a sling and hardly anyone got near my PFB for months . Looking back, my family and in-laws were very respectful and understanding.
OP, having heard more now, I take back my earlier comment about her sounding like cancer lovely cuddly gran. She does sound like a cow and you b do sound like a very very reasonable person. Interesting to see what difference the background makes to a single event, but maybe this is the last straw for you? Or you are approaching it, fast.
I do hope you find a way to make it work for you whilst allowing your baby to have a healthy relationship with his grandparents.

* like a lovely cuddly gran, not cancer lovely cuddly gran.
Crikey, what a typo Sorry!

But thats not down to op though Give me. The GP need to show op they are responsible and can be trusted?
Dont put this onto op the GP need to make sure they behave in an appropriate way to ensure they can have a good relationship with their GC!

If this is what she does infront of op goodness knows what she does when op isnt there.

It's only done in front of the OP, that's the point. This is about power, not perversion.

I remember Nuggetgate, and I would have banned them from the house for that. For this, I would make her use hand cleanser and a mouthwash before she was allowed to touch the baby. Tell her some bollocks about MRSA in pensioners. Also make her show hands, teeth and tongue like DF used to before we left for school.

Bring your inner Medusa, and make her grovel.

OP it does get easier - especially if you have more children and the novelty wears off .

Everyone chills the fuck out...including, and I mean this gently as it's clear your MIL is a nutcase power freak, but including you. It feels important if the baby gets bounced after a feed or before a nap etc but these things don't always still seem that much of a big deal once you get some perspective/more kids/older child. I look back and wonder why I was so uptight about stuff like that. But the key is that this is your baby and YOU know best. MIL should only support you and if she can't do that then she needs to keep away.

Ugh. I’d have gone washed babies hand. What an absolute weirdo!

Disgusting and weird behaviour. Yanbu!!