To favour one adult child financially?

[KariOn]

I have name changed for this because if anyone put it together with my other threads it might be quite identifying. Anyway the jist of what is keeping me awake tonight is trying to decide how to make some fairly major financial decisions which will affect my family. I have three adult children all now in their 20s. I think they were all brought up with equal amounts of love, attention, practical,emotional and financial support. The younger two are doing ok in life. They have had their problems and challenges but are generally happy in their jobs and relationships and are optimistically planning their futures. Sadly, we all now realise that the mental health problems that my oldest daughter has experienced since her early teens are never going to go away despite her and our best efforts. She has had to give up on her career and her relationship and it really seems unlikely she will ever be able to support herself financially. So I am considering selling our family home and with the addition of some savings, buying two small flats locally,one for me and one for my daughter. She could live with me but I think it is important she has her own home and independence with me close by to support her. The flat I buy for her would be in her name and owned outright by her. I would also aim to help her out with day to day expenses. My other two children live in rented accomodation and dont really have much chance of buying in the near future. I dont have any further funds to be able to help them with this. Is it unfair for me to help the one that I think most needs the help or should I be trying to treat them all equally despite the different circumstances? I suppose I dont know what problems they might have in the future.

www.advanceuk.org/shared-ownership

This is the info for the shared ownership scheme.

Housing is a total nightmare @AnotherEmma - I am really hoping that we can buy the house smoothly through the scheme or I have no idea how we will get him home. The LA seems completely unable to do anything. Until admission he hadn’t been away from me for more than 2 days (he’s 18, so still young) - and being non-verbal he must wonder what the hell is going on - he won’t even be aware that he’s lost his school place as he was at school in the morning and in a hospital the other side of the country in the evening (well 2am). If we can’t sort the house ourselves I can see him being stuck there for years. Please keep your fingers crossed as this is the only way I know that we can get him something. OP it is a good scheme if she qualifies - very secure for your daughter. It’s just very specialist so there are lots of criteria to meet.

Yes that’s what we’re trying to do Pananny.

My sister is disabled (will never work or live independently) and it has never occurred to me that my parents would split any financial support/inheritance equally. My sister needs it more than me and always has done.

So I'm not convinced that an unequal split always causes rifts between siblings.

Maybe it depends on how clear cut it is (e.g.if my sister had made poor life choices perhaps I'd feel differently? Hard to know).

The other thing you will have to think about also is what if she meets someone and gets into a relationship? Married even? And then they divorce and they have to half the flat in a divorce? Think in a case like this you have to look at every possible scenario. I would always help out all my children not just one especially as in this case it could go spectacularly wrong.

I think it would potentially cause huge resentment and in the future your DD may need the help and support of her siblings, if you were unable for any reason. If a rift has been caused early on it's hard to recover that.

Go talk to a solicitor- my Sister is not to be trusted with money and tends to piss any large amount up the wall and my Mum has provided for this in her will.

I know my sister and I will both inherit lump sums from my Mum and my son, my Mum's only grandchild is going to inherit a flat that will be in trust for him until he's 25. There's another sum that's going into a trust - lifetime income for my sister and then split between me and my son on the death of my sister (or straight to my son if I die first).

So my sister will have some extra income that she won't be able to spend all at once because I am the trustee but I'm not completely forgotten. My sister doesn't have any children.

only skim read but I thought too you could leave your other dc your flat and extra ££ for them.;

OP If your daughter owns the flat outright, what's stopping her from ever selling it if she runs into financial trouble or has a breakdown?

What if your other DC have serious issues and you can't do anything to help them?

Your idea is completely shortsighted. While I commiserate with you and can see you are trying to find a way, you really need to look at other options. Have you seen a financial advisor? Citizens Advice?

OP You can now buy to let to family members.

www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/buytolet/article-5363437/Buy-let-mortgage-lets-rent-home-children.html

Best of luck Devilish. I so hope it all goes smoothly and you get your boy back close soon
We only heard about Advance a week or so ago. Have been looking into legal and financial options for 6 months and only just found out about Advance.
It is so difficult to find all the relevant information regarding benefits, entitlements and the law.
I so hope things are settled for you all soon.

very unfair. at least retain ownership/use a trust so that when you die your estate is (ultimately) equally split and daughter has somewhere to live until her death. you ought to see a solicitor see what can be achieved and what implications it will have.

Treat them equally, irrespective of their circumstances

Thanks pananny - have you come across My Safe Home? That’s how we’re accessing advance. I still don’t fully understand the process (we have just started it) but providing it doesn’t get pulled as a scheme (my biggest fear) am hoping it will work out.

Devilish - I hope it all works out for you and DS1.

(Name-changer from the days of velcro cows and Davros' "Theory of Saturday morning letters"!)

My PIL have given my DP far more than his siblings because they are all big earners and he doesn't have that capability, they want all their kids with their own houses so gave him deposits. They would help the others out if they needed it too though.

I keep my MH problems (OCD) to myself, my doctor and others on a strictly need to know basis (I have not told my Mum). Part of my reasoning for this is that my sister has had far worse problems including an attempted suicide and I just don't want to worry people unnecessarily.

What I'm trying to say is, you never know when the others may need you, please don't favour one over the others.

Ha ha zelenka - I still get Saturday morning letters

Also the other siblings may experience the same in the future. Just because they are ok today, does mean they might not been disabled tomorrow or need additional support.

Consider what happens if you daughter sells the flat, gets married, passes it on to someone else (she sounds quite vulnerable). Then everyone looses out potentially in the future. You wouldn't be able to stop her doing this if she owned outright.

Also please think about your care in the first instance. To get the best possible care later on you might need your home to pay for it.

Tbh I don't agree with completely even treatment of all children, it makes sense to help those who struggle more, whether through disability or not. (Though I can see a potential for not doing it this way if one struggles purely due to poor life choices). And the idea of not giving help to your DD when she does need it, in case the others might need it doesn't fully make sense - though again it would be wise if you can afford it to keep something back in case.

Out of myself and 2 siblings, I'm the one seen as "doing better" for myself. (Dbro partially through poor life choices, and partly through being taken advantage of financially when in his teens, and Dsis through being vulnerable with severe (though now managed) MH issues, and using her money to bail out Dbro). Both my Dbro and Dsis often receive significant help financially where I don't, and I'm fully on board with it despite only just being above water myself - they both need it more than I do. However I'm not sure in our situation how I'd feel about something so drastically uneven as a house purchase.
I'd never resent financial or other help given where it's needed, but even now there's a very small part of me that niggles at always feeling I have to be the one who "copes" - I hate the feeling and feel awful, and I know it's entirely unreasonable, but our emotions aren't always logical.
The only thing you can really do is speak to your DC and see where they all stand.

However you need to work out what DD needs long-term - if she is unable to live fully indepently then of course she will need significant support.
But I also agree with PP that you need to think of the practicalities re benefits and giving DD full control of the house - I'd she ever likely to sell, remortgage etc? What if she meets someone and sells or divorces? And sadly although the idea of her being taken advantage of can seem extreme, there are a lot of people out there who seem to have a "radar" for vulnerable adults with money, assets etc.