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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To favour one adult child financially?

146 replies

KariOn · 22/02/2018 05:27

I have name changed for this because if anyone put it together with my other threads it might be quite identifying. Anyway the jist of what is keeping me awake tonight is trying to decide how to make some fairly major financial decisions which will affect my family. I have three adult children all now in their 20s. I think they were all brought up with equal amounts of love, attention, practical,emotional and financial support. The younger two are doing ok in life. They have had their problems and challenges but are generally happy in their jobs and relationships and are optimistically planning their futures. Sadly, we all now realise that the mental health problems that my oldest daughter has experienced since her early teens are never going to go away despite her and our best efforts. She has had to give up on her career and her relationship and it really seems unlikely she will ever be able to support herself financially. So I am considering selling our family home and with the addition of some savings, buying two small flats locally,one for me and one for my daughter. She could live with me but I think it is important she has her own home and independence with me close by to support her. The flat I buy for her would be in her name and owned outright by her. I would also aim to help her out with day to day expenses. My other two children live in rented accomodation and dont really have much chance of buying in the near future. I dont have any further funds to be able to help them with this. Is it unfair for me to help the one that I think most needs the help or should I be trying to treat them all equally despite the different circumstances? I suppose I dont know what problems they might have in the future.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 22/02/2018 08:02

You talk of helping your daughter with day to day expenses OP. Is your daughter claiming PIP and ESA? If not it sounds as though she could be entitled to them.

If she is claiming benefits you need to be careful about buying her a flat as this may impact on her benefits. I would seek legal advice. There may be better options you don't even know about.

GloGirl · 22/02/2018 08:03

I strongly disagree with the majority here and think that you should, and I think it sounds lovely. What adult at 26 living a confident capable life is jealous of their sibling who is incapable of living independently?

And I do speak from some experience as my BIL had a similar scenario with his parents.

Personally though I would sell it slightly differently and ensure both were kept in my name and tell all siblings rent is to be paid. How much rent, and how often can be changed depending on circumstances and doesn't need to be revealed.

You can then make a will in event of death that daughter gets her flat and yours is to be shared between the two of them. As a parent there's ways of helping your offspring feel valued amd equally important without needing to financially balance everything out.

Livelounge · 22/02/2018 08:04

We are doing similar for my disabled sister. My parents and I are buying her a flat. She will pay us housing benefit as rent.
Providing you have a legal rental agreement, all the correct certification etc. This is totally legal.
Historically you couldn't rent from family. The laws have changed.

No wonder the country is on its knees!

Livelounge · 22/02/2018 08:04

Bold fail!

Married3Children · 22/02/2018 08:04

Btw I’m talking here about some one with significant MH that should be considered as a disability.

I get that some people are ‘enabled’ in their illness (by being supported all the time)
BUT i have a major issue with all the comments that basically say that MH isn’t a proper illness and people can just snap out of it and have a nice fulfilling life if they really want to (or are forced into it).
Some people are such issues that they will NOT ever snap out of it nor will they be able to function well enough to be able to have an independent life as such. Plenty of people are living on basic disability allowance for example because they are not able to function enough to work.

As the OP doesn’t explain what sot of Issue her dd has, I dint think it’s fair to assume the dd is just sponging her mum and could do just as well if she really tried.

Whitecup · 22/02/2018 08:05

Could you not convert a garage or a space in your current home into a self contained annex and see how she copes with independent living?

InfiniteCurve · 22/02/2018 08:09

Live lounge -???
"No wonder the country is on its knees"?

genehuntswife · 22/02/2018 08:12

I appreciate every family is different but on my mums death my dad signed their house over to my brother who has mental health problems.
He’s left me nothing and wouldn’t even consider making it a caveat that the house was left my children ( the only grandchildren) on my brothers death.
I will never forgive him for this. It just adds to the feelings of second best that I felt throughout my childhood.

snewsname · 22/02/2018 08:14

If the other two were on the housing ladder, it wouldn't seem quite so bad, but they aren't and situations may change. There is potential fur resentment.

I like the putting it in all their names and giving her a life interest - but discuss it first with the others to guard their reaction. If you put it in your name then it may need to be sold for care home fees. Or you could keep the new flat in your name and change a nominal rent, then will everything equally but give her a life interest in it.

Devilishpyjamas · 22/02/2018 08:15

Livelounge why do you say that? IME LA’s would be delighted with that sort of arrangement. Our LA/CCG are keen to get my son back to his home as costs of keeping him where he is are 4 times more than having him here. (His current costs are eye watering and he is always a 6 figure annual care package).

However there is no suitable housing for him - nothing. If we wait for public money to become available he is looking at a hospital discharge delay of about a year (an additional cost of half a million compared to being on his home city in his own accommodation). That’s why we are having to use the specialist scheme to buy him a property (& why they will be delighted when we do).

Housing benefit costs are the same whether he lives in his own home with a shared ownership with a HA or pays a private landlord the whole cost (actually they may be slightly less in his own home).

While housing is in such a mess LA’s will be pleased for any solution that takes he pressure of them. Housing vulnerable people is something that they really struggle with.

Gazelda · 22/02/2018 08:16

Here is she living now and how is she supporting herself financially?

Gazelda · 22/02/2018 08:17

Sorry, that should read where

GnotherGnu · 22/02/2018 08:19

I agree with sofabitch, you really wouldn't be doing your daughter any favours by doing this. You really need to be planning ahead by getting social services involved and looking into supported accommodation and access to benefits.

Makingworkwork · 22/02/2018 08:20

It is difficult.

Your daughter is going to need lots of help all her life it would be ideal if her siblings did not resent her so they will be around to help her out after your death.

PIL favour BIL financially and practically over DH. BIL is a spend thrift and buying himself a ridiculous amount of stuff while we are spending lots of money on childcare. We don’t expect any help but it is favouring of BIL which is problematic for DH. DH has a life limiting health condition which PIL don’t seem to fully understand the impact this will have on our lives as at the moment is he fairly healthy. DH does has an unspoken underlying resentment of PIL as a result of this and is has a negative impact on his relationship with BIL.

Sofabitch · 22/02/2018 08:22

Equality is the same as equal. People understand this right?

mustbemad17 · 22/02/2018 08:22

Haven't read the full thread, so maybe going against the grain here. I'm the middle child of three (all in our late 20s/early 30s) & my eldest brother is your eldest daughter in essence. He struggles a lot more than me & my younger brother, can't keep a job down because of pretty severe MH & so flits between college & apprenticeships etc. My folks help him out with a lot more than they would us because of this. Me & younger brother have chatted to my folks about this - mum was worried same as you that it's favouritism - & the unilateral opinion was 'he needs your help more than we do'

What I would say tho is don't put the flat in her name, keep it in yours & let her live there. Keep some element of control just in case. It also serves as a sort of 'guarantee' if it were to the others that there is still something in the pot for them should they get worried

Ickyockycocky · 22/02/2018 08:23

I completely understand why you want to do this but I don’t think you should. You have to treat your children as equally as you can. There will always be bits and pieces where you might treat one for some reason but something as major as this is wrong.

Roseandmabelshouse · 22/02/2018 08:25

But two flats then keep them both in your name

I know from personal experience that when siblings get treated differently finically, in most situations the ones with less feel that's = less love (even if that's not the case).

Discuss this with all your daughters together and see what they say. A lot of hurt can be caused if they don't feel part of the planning/process.

Sofabitch · 22/02/2018 08:26

isn't

Looneytune253 · 22/02/2018 08:27

Could you not buy the flat and keep it in your name but let her live there rent free? Then you still have those funds depending on future circumstances. You could maybe then put something in your will to say that she is able to live in the flat after you’ve gone but it will be owned 3 ways (as well as your flat too obv)

Devilishpyjamas · 22/02/2018 08:28

I knew what you meant sofabitch Grin

LizzieSiddal · 22/02/2018 08:28

DD should live with you in one flat, and once you have died she should stay there

A lot of posters are saying this. What if the OP doesn’t want to live with her adult dd for the rest of her life? I certainly wouldn’t. I’d want to live close by, to support her as much as possible but not living in the same house.

Op do why you want. I had 3 siblings and all of them received substantial help from my parents for various reasons. I didn’t, yes it pissed me off at the time but once I had my own dc, I realised I would do exactly the same. As a parent with limited resources, you need to give help to the child who need it. As long as you are open and honest with your other dc they should come to accept it.

Devilishpyjamas · 22/02/2018 08:31

The trouble with owning the flat yourself is that if you have to go into a home the flat will have to be sold and she will be made homeless.

Get some legal advice - and maybe try CAB to make sure she is getting what she should (presumably ESA, PIP). It can be hard to get accurate advice in the case of disability/MH as no-one seems to understand it. If she’s been under section check re section 117 aftercare - you can sometimes get some housing costs met under that. I think you are right to look at ways to help her but there is probably a safer and better way of doing it than buying her a house outright.

Devilishpyjamas · 22/02/2018 08:33

And yes I agree the people saying she should live with you clearly have no experience of adult disabled (broadest sense) children.

whiskyowl · 22/02/2018 08:34

I wouldn't do this. I don't think you can tell what the future holds. Health problems of a mental or physical nature can develop at any age. If you've exhausted all your resources to help one child, and then another has an accident or bcomes unwell, what do you do?