To favour one adult child financially?

[KariOn]

I have name changed for this because if anyone put it together with my other threads it might be quite identifying. Anyway the jist of what is keeping me awake tonight is trying to decide how to make some fairly major financial decisions which will affect my family. I have three adult children all now in their 20s. I think they were all brought up with equal amounts of love, attention, practical,emotional and financial support. The younger two are doing ok in life. They have had their problems and challenges but are generally happy in their jobs and relationships and are optimistically planning their futures. Sadly, we all now realise that the mental health problems that my oldest daughter has experienced since her early teens are never going to go away despite her and our best efforts. She has had to give up on her career and her relationship and it really seems unlikely she will ever be able to support herself financially. So I am considering selling our family home and with the addition of some savings, buying two small flats locally,one for me and one for my daughter. She could live with me but I think it is important she has her own home and independence with me close by to support her. The flat I buy for her would be in her name and owned outright by her. I would also aim to help her out with day to day expenses. My other two children live in rented accomodation and dont really have much chance of buying in the near future. I dont have any further funds to be able to help them with this. Is it unfair for me to help the one that I think most needs the help or should I be trying to treat them all equally despite the different circumstances? I suppose I dont know what problems they might have in the future.

Was just about to write similar to rose about planning process and full family involvement. Not to be morbid but what's your plan when you have passed on? Are you expecting your other daughters to take up the reigns of this level of support? Similar experience in my social group and not only did the parents say they were leaving nothing to one child in the will (which you can of course never expect!) they were also expecting my acquaintance to never move away for job etc in order to always be there despite crippling house and rent prices.

Put half the proceeds of your old home in trust - a proper trust drawn up by a qualified solicitor. The terms of the trust are to include all kids, but add a letter of wishes that older daughter is in priority to others at this time otherwise all equal. Make you and solicitor trustees. Talk to all kids about why you are doing this. Avoid giving new property to eldest outright. This gets a good balance. Otherwise you could approach the decision on the basis - what would

Jeremy Corbyn do? Socialist, looks at equalisation. Therefore favouring those in need equalises all.

Michael Gove? Capitalist, we all start out equal and are responsible only to ourselves for the position we find ourselves in. Therefore if eldest is in a weaker position, tough luck.

If your selling your property because of the need to downsize etc then great. Your idea of getting another flat for your daughter is a good idea in theory but maybe a little unfair to your other children. Why not buy it in the name of all your children and your daughter could pay them rent on their % . If she is unable to work then surely she will be eligible to some form of benefit. In all honesty if your daughter is so incapable of holding down a job and making a life for herself without your on going financial help I'd question her ability to live alone.

I haven't read all the thread but I do think your daughter with mental health issues needs more support however you decide to give it. She has an illness, an illness that you say will impact her for the rest of her life, mean she may not be able to hold down a job, have a relationship and so on and her siblings should be aware of that and respect that their sister needs this help more then them. My Dad is one of 6, his youngest sibling has a mild intellectual disability and mental health problems. His parents are now both deceased he still lives in the family home where he will stay until he dies. His siblings support him, look after him and so on. they have taken on the role his parents would have played. It was never ever on the cards with any of them that they would sell the house from under him and "claim" their part of their parents inheritance they see themselves as carrying on the role of his parents. He has a small job that keeps him but no way would he have been able to pay rent or buy a house and thank god he has never had to. This sibling is the youngest in my dads family and very healthy so is likely to outlive his siblings, if he does I see the responsibility of his care passing to me, my siblings and my cousins. That is the way it should be that is how families work surely?

I have 3 children my eldest has dyslexia and mild asd. I do think she will need a lot more help and support as she gets older and I will never feel things should be spread equally among the 3 because things aren't equal. Through no fault of her own her life will be more difficult then her siblings and I will raise her sisters to understand that. It is about equity not equality. Equality assumes we all start from the same place but we don't.

I definitely think it should be split equally. I have heard awful stories of one sibling getting something and others nothing and it can cause great heartache and pain.

I appreciate your eldest needs the most help now but that shouldn't be to the detriment of the others.

Could cause a lot of resentment between the siblings

If your DD1 has a asset such as a flat she won't be eligable for benefits so how would she support herself day to day? Ironically she is the one most likely to receive help/housing from the state while your other DC struggle to get on the housing ladder. Be fair to all your DC or DD might find herself alone in the future if grudges are harboured.

I have suggested to my parents that I would be happy with a less equal split with my siblings. I earn significantly more than those that they are in contact with, and wouldn't object to them receiving extra on top.

However... it sounds like your other kids aren't exactly rolling in money either, and I don't know if this provides for YOU longterm? If you give your daughter the flat in her name, then you lost it as an asset for homecare etc.

I don't know how urgent this seems to you, but what about you look for somewhere with an annexe that your daughter can live in, rather than two flats with all the associated fees?

I'm a bit gob-smacked by the even-stevens, regardless of circumstance, responses.

If either of my siblings were struggling to cope with life, I'd be as concerned for them as my parents. I would insist that they were helped in such a way that they were less vulnerable in the world.

As it is, we're all doing fine but that won't necessarily always be the case.

Yes if you buy her a flat in her name when you are old and you flat has to be sold for your care she gets a nice flat the other 2 get nothing and unless the other 2 children are saints there will be resentment could your eldest cope with no family support once you have gone and the other 2 want nothing to do with the favoured child (this does happen btw).

Think on that when you potentially favour one so far above others.

Thank you all for your responses. I don't want to go into the specifics and causes of my daughter's mh problems here, but believe me they are every bit as disabling as a serious physical illness and have destroyed any chance of her establishing a stable,secure life for herself which is why I so want to do everything I can to provide her with some safety and certainty. Obviously, from all the helpful comments on here, there are a lot of things I need to consider in terms of finances, legal issues and the impact on family. I need to get some legal advice and talk things through with her very wonderful siblings before I make any decisions. Once again, thanks for all your comments and advice.

I think that if you can avoid it, you shouldn't make a one-off big decision about how to commit your spare money. I would keep the money invested and spend it down evenly over the whole of the rest of my life. Hundreds of small spending decisions each in accordance with circumstances and priorities at the time are likely to lead to the money being better used than one big step.

This is a general rule for spending large sums, doesn't apply just to this situation.

@KariOn - do feel free to PM about the specialist scheme we are using for my son - it sounds as if she may qualify and it would give her security (she can’t be evicted as her name is on the deeds) but avoids the other issues of affecting care payments etc. It costs about £20k

GrannyGrissle - she would be eligible for benefits if she owned a flat. She just wouldn't be eligible for the housing component. The ESA/JSA/PIP part would all still be available. You're not expected to sell your house to buy food.

i have not read the full thread but its your money you can spend it how you like

Another that thinks they should be treated the same.

Moving her in with you yes buy buying her a flat so she can independent would be a kick in the teeth to the others. Independence comes with a price.

If she receives a care package she would have to pay for that though Eena. People have to contribute anyway generally but if assets are above a certain amount then they have to pay the full cost.

Element that’s because people are obsessed by the idea of equality, thinking that equal means fair.
It dint think it is tbh. Being fair doesn’t mean being equal at all. Not for children when they are young, nor for adults.

However, there are also a lot of posters who are still reeling about their UNfair treatment by their parents, leading them to think that if things had been equal, then they wouldn’t have been feeling side lined/second best.
I think the starting point of any thread like this one is to assume that the OP isn’t treating her other dcs as second best and is trying to be fair, rather than equal towards them.

I think I would worry that owning the flat outright would exempt her from benefits she needs and if you buy her a flat she can't afgord to pay the bills for, it's a house of cards that could crumble horribly.

Also your other children could be helped enormously by a much smaller gift towards just the deposit on their first house. And you're right, you don't know what will happen. They may be doing well but their futures are not secure. One bout of severe illness and they could also find themself in trouble. Give your eldest a home as long as she needs it, support her day to day. It might not be good for her mental health or self esteem to be told effectively that she needs to move out, actually!

Yellow butbthe OP has stated specifically that living with her would be detrimental to the dd.
Besides, it might also be detrimental to the OP too.

So are you saying thatbthe OP should either leave her dd deal with things in her own and not help OR do something that isn’t good either for herself nor for her dd? What would be the point if that??

Please treat them the same. My Aunt had this to think about with my cousins.

My youngest cousin had severe MH illness and my aunt did similar to what you are suggesting. Which obviously meant that there wasn't as much support for the other DC.

Just after my aunt died my eldest cousin had a serious accident which has left them quadriplegic.

Whilst obviously no one has a crystal ball, my eldest cousin is in just as much need now as the younger sibling is.

I hope this makes some sort of sense.

I honestly think some people think mental health and disability is a matter of choice. If compassion and support does not begin with close family why on earth should we expect society to care either. We expect the government to give benefits based on need so why would we not make the same decision with respect to our children.

We are doing similar for my disabled sister. My parents and I are buying her a flat. She will pay us housing benefit as rent.
Providing you have a legal rental agreement, all the correct certification etc. This is totally legal.
Historically you couldn't rent from family. The laws have changed.

No wonder the country is on its knees!

@Livelounge

How exactly is this having a negative impact on the 'country'?
My disabled sister is currently living in unsuitable housing an hour away from me.
She has a degenerative condition and will need more care in the future. Her rent is currently being paid by housing benefit. She has full disability benefits.

This will continue, except the housing benefit money will go towards (nowhere near cover) a mortgage meaning she has her own home for life that is adapted and suitable for her.

Having her in the same street as me will save 'the country' thousands.
I will do the majority of her care, unpaid as I am her sister and I love her. We may need carers for respite breaks if I am ill. Otherwise the current money spent on carers will no longer be necessary.

Her quality of life will be greatly improved as she will be near her nephews and nieces and be able to see them daily. She will also be able to get out of her house daily. She can not walk to the end of her drive, let alone be able to get a bus and if she gets a taxi anywhere it can only be to friends house as she cannot walk anywhere or self propel her wheelchair.

She is highly intelligent, has a Cambridge degree, is in constant pain and trapped in her own body due to a condition that could affect anyone. Even you or your children Livelounge.

I guess we could reintroduce institutions for all people who cost the country money. Minimal cost, minimal staff. Stick them all together, out of sight and out of mind.

Or we could redirect the funds currently used to ensure our families are cared for in the best possible way by their loved ones.

To get back to the Op, think things through, talk to legal, financial and social organisations to find out all the options, sit down with your children and see what they all think and say.

They are all enormous decisions and need a lot of research and thought. Don't leave yourself vulnerable.

I think Devilish has given some excellent advice, I had never heard of shared ownership schemes for disabled people and they sound like a great solution. Definitely look into that OP.

Although I am generally of the opinion that you should treat children equally, and I think it would be massively unfair to buy a flat outright for one child while the others are renting, I don’t object to the £20k towards the shared ownership scheme, and I wouldn’t object if I was a non-disabled sibling. Clearly Devilish has researched the options and this is by far the best option. If you are in a position to, you might be able to save up to help your other children in future, but if not you could even it out in the inheritance. There is a big difference between £20k for a scheme like that and buying a flat outright.

I think you’re write to discuss it as a family - I was going to ask what the relationship you all have is as I know I wouldn’t (and don’t) begrudge the financial support my siblings receive from my parents. I think there is definitely a solution here and it sounds like you have a wonderful family who will be able to talk it through and come up with something to protect your daughter. Also, you may find that your children aren’t actually worried about inheritance - I’m very much of the view that my parents, grandparents etc should spend it now on the things they need, want etc, which by extension is precisely what you’re looking to do.

Right not write!