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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To favour one adult child financially?

146 replies

KariOn · 22/02/2018 05:27

I have name changed for this because if anyone put it together with my other threads it might be quite identifying. Anyway the jist of what is keeping me awake tonight is trying to decide how to make some fairly major financial decisions which will affect my family. I have three adult children all now in their 20s. I think they were all brought up with equal amounts of love, attention, practical,emotional and financial support. The younger two are doing ok in life. They have had their problems and challenges but are generally happy in their jobs and relationships and are optimistically planning their futures. Sadly, we all now realise that the mental health problems that my oldest daughter has experienced since her early teens are never going to go away despite her and our best efforts. She has had to give up on her career and her relationship and it really seems unlikely she will ever be able to support herself financially. So I am considering selling our family home and with the addition of some savings, buying two small flats locally,one for me and one for my daughter. She could live with me but I think it is important she has her own home and independence with me close by to support her. The flat I buy for her would be in her name and owned outright by her. I would also aim to help her out with day to day expenses. My other two children live in rented accomodation and dont really have much chance of buying in the near future. I dont have any further funds to be able to help them with this. Is it unfair for me to help the one that I think most needs the help or should I be trying to treat them all equally despite the different circumstances? I suppose I dont know what problems they might have in the future.

OP posts:

Sofabitch · 22/02/2018 06:26

I also think the responses of people's would be different if you came in and said my severly disable daughter who will never be able to live alone.

Anyway as an aside op for severe mental health issues you're dd should very full access to the benefits system. High rate esa and pip. You can also depending on how severe her mental health is apply for these on her behalf if she is not able to. But i would seek support from professionals to do this.

rocketgirl22 · 22/02/2018 06:34

DD should live with you in one flat, and once you have died she should stay there.

The money for the other flat and all money should be divided between the other two children so that it is equal.

You do not want to leave your dd with massive fallouts with her siblings, nor do you know the future challenges of your other two children. One of them could end up jobless, homeless. No one can be sure of the future.

Keep it equal.

NameChange30 · 22/02/2018 06:38

I don’t think the responses would be different if she had a physical disability instead of mental health issues.

I think buying her a flat would be extremely unfair to the others and wouldn’t make much sense anyway given that she is likely to be eligible for social housing, disability benefits and housing benefit.

I also don’t think it would make it fair to even things out with the inheritance, as that could be many many years down the line and the money might be more needed now than it would be then.

JoJoSM2 · 22/02/2018 06:39

I definitely wouldn't favour one siblings like that. You could end up enabling her problems more and cause a big rift between your children. Like stated upthread, you can offer help with applying for benefits instead. Or emotional support with staying on meds/in counselling when she asks for it.

MattBerrysHair · 22/02/2018 06:39

What is her diagnosis if you don't mind me asking? I think it's possibly a bit premature to be deciding that she won't ever be able to support herself, and I say this as someone with a long history of mental health problems. Where does she live now? I think buying her a flat would be unfair on your other dc and could cause a rift when your eldest needs their support, not their resentment.

TenGinBottles · 22/02/2018 06:41

If her mental health is such that she has difficulty financially (I'm not sure if you mean earning potential or managing finances) then I'd be wary of signing a house over to her in her own name. That would mean you would lose all control over it and not be able to stop her from selling it which would leave you all worse off.

I think as PP said, it might be better to ensure that she has the best support possible now.

What would your other DC think if you "favoured" her like this? Would they still be willing to be there for her once you're gone or would the resentment mean they would cut her off? One could argue you'd be better to ensure your other two have assets so they are in a better place to advocate for her in the future.

HerbNotErb · 22/02/2018 06:48

We have family who rent to a family member - all above board & legal
I agree with the others split any inheritance equally between siblings, you don't know how life will treat the others as time goes on
money & wills seem to bring out the worst in people

AuntMabel · 22/02/2018 06:52

Why would she need to own the flat, and not simply live there, rent free? What if she needed long term care in the future? As her asset, it could be sold to fund it.

LucheroTena · 22/02/2018 06:55

I think an option would be to have her live with you now rent free, then when you die the house and monies to be split 3 ways. They can all then buy a flat each (if not outright have a good down payment) and the money she has saved while living with you all those years goes towards her living costs (plus she’ll get disability benefits I assume).

I agree with the others on this thread that you don’t know what the future holds. She could get better and meet a new partner, one of the other children could become ill and need help more, etc. It doesn’t sound like either of them are exactly rolling in it, with both renting, as you say. Importantly, you will want them to support each other after you go, and the best way to do that is treat them equally in the will.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/02/2018 06:56

The caveat to all of this is that you may go into a care home and everything spent on you. The other thing you need to consider is that if your dd does move into a studio or some such and you choose to keep it in your name, it will therefore, I assume, be a rental property. I think you need some proper legal advice on succession planning before deciding what you do. Iht rules have changed and I understand iht is now payable on rental properties from zero.

Esspee · 22/02/2018 06:59

Please treat your children equally.

QOD · 22/02/2018 07:02

If she’s likely to spend her life on benefits then you do her a disservice buying a property in her name
My in laws at one point wanted to leave their property to mentally ill (alcoholic and addicted) child to help her out.
As they thankfully asked my opinion they didn’t do so. She’s secure in HA flat now with steady benefits.
Also your Dd could marry then divorce and lose part of the property value in a split and what then?
Support her in getting her on a HA or council list

Kerry111 · 22/02/2018 07:02

This would be totally unfair. My situation is similar and my parents gave my sister money for a house as she can't work for mental health reasons. They pay loads of bills for her too. I've not been given a penny in 20 years as I'm deemed not to need it even when we had to privately fund IVF. I'm still angry about the unfairness of it all. Your 2 children may seem to be doing fine but there may be things you're not aware of and you don't know what the future might hold - like IVF costs as an example.

Slartybartfast · 22/02/2018 07:04

If she had a diagnosis I agree it would be better if you could look into supported accommodation

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 22/02/2018 07:11

I'm going to go against the grain here and say you should do this.
I'm in a similar situation with my sister. Not to the extent of buying houses. Just that they help her out, pay for her to go on holiday etc..
I don't mind my parents giving her money at all.
Why should I? She needs it.
Sadly my parents are not in a position to buy her a flat. If they were, it would have saved her from several years of homelessness and the massive deterioration in her mental health that resulted. She's going through the homeless process now and just won a review to establish that she's "vulnerable" enough to house. Now she has to live in temp accommodation for however long it may take to bid on a flat. It's been a massive strain on her that she could well do without.
I know that it really bothers my parents that they don't have the means to save her from all this. If they did- they would do. And it wouldn't bother me at all.

swivelchair · 22/02/2018 07:12

I have a brother with some special needs. I fully expect my parents to favour him financially, and that's absolutely fine - he needs it. BUT that means when they bought a house for him, they kept a controlling interest, and have it tied up so that he can't take loans out against it, or sell it etc. This controlling interest will go to me or one of my siblings upon their death. Because, whilst it would never be done maliciously, he is easily manipulated by others, he sometimes has bright ideas etc. He can live independently, but it would be too risky to make it completely independently by giving him full financial control of everything.

If you bought the flat, you should maintain owner ship of it.

Devilishpyjamas · 22/02/2018 07:18

Can you have a look at shared ownership for her?

We have three children and basically HAVE to buy a house for Ds1 who is non verbal, has severe learning disabilities and severe autism and is currently stuck in hospital 8 hours from home. If we don’t buy something for him then he will be stuck there well into 2019 which is just unacceptable.

The scheme we are using is specialist scheme that is for people with severe disabilities who will never work (not sure it covers MH conditions but may be worth finding out as there are questions related to MH on the form- if she’s been under section & is classed as a having a lifelong mental impairment it might be the case - pm me for more details if so) but it is basically a shared ownership scheme. He will hold a portion and a HA will hold the rest and his rent bit will be paid by housing benefit. That is a very specialist scheme but it might be worth trying to find out whether something similar exists. We are having to pay about 20k (which we don’t have, but can raise).

Our Will puts everything into trust (for reasons of Ds1 again) but once we have bought the house then we will rewrite our letter of wishes I think to take the 20k into account so ds2’s and ds3 will get extra then.

If your dd is ever likely to need care then do NOT buy her a house outright as it will be treated as capital and she will have to pay for all her care (ds1’s scheme also means that doesn’t happen - he doesn’t own enough of a share to have to pay for his own care - luckily as it’s thousands a week).

I don’t think you are unreasonable to treat her differently but I think it would be worth taking lots of advice on how best to support her - there are likely to be better ways than buying a house.

I wouldn’t have her live with you though - that will not increase her independence at all

CPtart · 22/02/2018 07:19

Equal split. PIL favour SIL financially and the underlying resentment is awful. Very unfair. Doesn't matter if one DC is a millionaire....equal split.

Helmetbymidnight · 22/02/2018 07:20

Many/most people struggle at some stage in their lives.
What you are saying is - though you guys can't afford your own property, though you may hate your job, though you may want to study, though you may be functioning depressed, though you may have an accident tomorrow, I prefer your sister.

Devilishpyjamas · 22/02/2018 07:20

When I say he will hold a portion actually we will as his deputies.

PanannyPanoo · 22/02/2018 07:20

We are doing similar for my disabled sister. My parents and I are buying her a flat. She will pay us housing benefit as rent.
Providing you have a legal rental agreement, all the correct certification etc. This is totally legal.
Historically you couldn't rent from family. The laws have changed.

Puremince · 22/02/2018 07:25

If you bought her a flat, she might marry and lose half in a divorce.

zzzzz · 22/02/2018 07:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FluffyWuffy100 · 22/02/2018 07:29

I certainly wouldn’t put the flat in her name! What if she sells it and fritters away the proceeds? Or doesn’t pay council tax etc?

If you think she will never live alone independently you need to look at her accessing appropriate support now.

Or maybe modify your house so each of you has a bathroom and a sitting room or something?

Also what if one of your other children needs help later? Of course they are talking optimistically about their future, most people do at 26!

LoveProsecco · 22/02/2018 07:29

OP you have some great advice here. I would treat the three DC equally, i also think there is great suggestions here about increasing your DDs independence. If that is possible

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