Am I being selfish?

[Sunnyshiny]

My cousin who lives abroad has invited my family (DH, DS1 and soon to be born DS2 along with my mother, father and two sisters) to his wedding in a beautiful location in the USA. Free accomodation at their home. (Potentially a fabulous holiday)

My DH and I had a major fall out with my mother last year and sadly this hasn't been fully resolved. I have put my upset and issues I have with her to one side for the sake of the whole family. I desperately don't want to lose my relationship with my mother. My DH on the other hand has said it's the final straw and doesn't want much to do with her.

My DM is happy to put things to one side for the sake of her grandchildren and is being civil and we are seeing each other and cautiously continuing our relationship.

DH has said he doesn't want to attend the wedding due to the feelings he has towards my mother and the way she has upset him. I fully understand his reasons for not coming and I am not pressuring him to come- although i have expressed if he wants to come, I would be delighted I have said that I would really like to see my cousin get married, and for my two children to meet their second cousins who they have never met and visit America.

So I have suggested that i go with my DC, mother, father and sisters (they are very willing to help me out with travelling with DC) without DH.

DH has said it isn't fair that we would be going on a lovely holiday without him and he is sad that I would want to go on such a fabulous holiday without him. He says he will miss the DC and I have upset him that I want to go without him.

It is his choice to not come. Yet I feel I am not allowed to go without him (My DM would be fine and civil with him coming. And I understand he feels uncomfortable around my family and I fully support his decision not to come because of the argument).

Am I being selfish for wanting to go to the wedding without DH?

You have to stop making this about your mum, it's not, the fact she's going is irrelevant you're going to your cousins wedding and yes she will happen to be there, but that's not a reason for you to miss your cousins wedding and the kids to miss out.

Your husband doesn't want to go to the wedding because your mum is also attending, it's his choice, but he has to realise it's not about her. You cannot be expected to avoid all family things if your mum is there.

So you should go. It's not your mums event. It's not about your mum. It's your cousins wedding.

He's being unreasonable to expect you to miss any family event where your mum is present. That's more than no contact that's cutting your whole family out.

You have to go. Otherwise you will start to cut your whole family out if he doesn't want you to go to events where she is present.

Just for clarification to the people asking about her MH issues.
She doesn't have any diagnosed MH issues. But her general behaviour in recent years is off (and without using the wrong term- I don't want to offend MH sufferers) not normal/irrational.

adishbesteatencold your quite close in your words. But over time apologies haven't been made and it's all just blown up into one huge argument. But essentially started off as something most people would see no issues with.

My DH and I didn't realise and can't comprehend why she had gotten so upset in the first place. I think our lack of understanding has caused the argument to drag out and essentially intensify.

Really, really, do not give in to your H on this. Or he will push for more until you are cut off from your family. There is a widespread problem with men being profoundly reluctant to put themselves out for women in any way, whereas women agonize about everyone else. You've given him the option to come with you or stay home, but he doesn't get to decide what you do.

I think you need to have a conversation with your DH about what is reasonable to expect of you in terms of relationships with your family generally. Perhaps it's something you even need to discuss with a counsellor.

The reason I say this is that this does not stop with your cousin's wedding - this is just the first test. I hate to be blunt OP but there are going to be other occasions this occurs. What if your sisters get married? What if your father gets ill or dies? Would your DH refuse to accompany to your father's funeral or your sister's wedding for example? And if he did refuse not to go would he expect you and your DC to not go either? I think these issues all need resolving asap so that you are both clear about where you stand.

My own personal opinion is that the person who is caught between their family and their partner should (generally) be the person who decides what their relationship with their family is, and that the partner should do their best to either quietly support that and be civil, or should step back and not have a relationship with that family member themselves but not stop the partner having a relationship with their family member.

So in this situation I think that if possible your DH should come and be civil, if he possibly can - for your sake and for your cousin's sake. And if he can't he should let you and your DC go without any opposition . Remember this isn't an occasion for your mum, it's for your cousin. Your mum just happens to be there.

But that's just my opinion. I know other people feel differently. And you and your DH have to work out what is right for the two of you. But please do it now. The last thing you want is to be falling out about this one if your sister/father becomes suddenly extremely unwell.

So it sounds like your mum claimed your DH said some things which were a grossly exaggerated version of the truth

He then "retaliated"

You think he might be manipulative and controlling

He doesn't sound too good himself from the picture you're painting...

Is your DH controlling OP?

Is there a reason why you can't just say what she said? It might help us and you understand what went wrong.

If your MiL did to you what your mother did to your DH, how would you feel about going on holiday with her? The trouble is, it would be reasonable, I think, to go to a family wedding and expect your DH to come along and just avoid your mum. But to fly to the states and have a holiday with her in the same house is pushing it. I can understand why he would be hurt, and feel that you are choosing her side. See if you can find some alternative accommodation near your cousins.

My DH and I didn't realise and can't comprehend why she had gotten so upset in the first place. I think our lack of understanding has caused the argument to drag out and essentially intensify.

So, did he apologize at all? Even if he didn't say anything wrong, he really should apologize that whatever he said was misunderstood.

Who said the thing in the first place? Your mum to your H or the other way round?
Why can’t you say what it was? It would be much more clearer than all this second guessing.

How old is your mother? If this behaviour is a recent thing, could it be the beginning of dementia?

Will going on this trip mean no family holiday for you (for either time or money reasons or both)?

Is your ds1 still very young? If so, I would be a lot less worried about the dc 'missing out' (presuming this trip is this year or next). A big trip like this is best done when they are old enough to remember and appreciate it. It's likely to be a lot of hard work if both dc are still small. And as for the wedding, it's a very kind invitation but I'm someone who just doesn't get the currently prevalent 'wedding invitation = summons' idea, so I wouldn't be letting that sway me as such.

Excluding the thought about dementia above, your mother does sound the controlling and manipulative - perhaps narcissistic - type. With the lack of detail in your posts, it is very hard indeed to know where the greater unreasonableness lies. If this refusal is out of character for your dh - i.e. if he isn't ordinarily given to pulling out of occasions you are looking forward to but he either CBA to go to or feels his nose out of joint with regard to some aspect or other of them - then it does sound a little as if he has had as much as he can take from your mother and would consider you going off happily without him as a statement of how little you care, and tbh with some justification. But again, because of the lack of detail, I'm going on a combination of hunch, reading between the lines and projection. What is your husband ordinarily like?

So he said something to your mom and she was hurt by this. You both donr think it was bad and he would like you to go nc. I would really like to know what he said because I think there is a chance your judgement is being clouded by your husband.

Regardless of what went on with the he said, she said thing it's your DH who is putting you in this difficult situation where you feel like you have to pick between them. Your mum sounds like she would be civil at least for the duration of the wedding but your husband is refusing to go and getting upset that you still want to.
Rather than choosing between them, you are actually just choosing what you want to do. You aren't going to please your mother, you are going to please yourself, and quite right too

"My DH and I didn't realise and can't comprehend why she had gotten so upset in the first place."

So it all really began because your husband upset your mother, not the other way round (albeit that you and your husband did not realise at the time and didn't feel there was proper cause for her to be upset) ... is that it?

Did your husband ever apologise? And what then ... from what you have said, presumably your mum retaliated and was nasty to your husband. Yes?

Do your family think your mum has behaved badly? If so, maybe they could help her see that perhaps it is she who could pour oil on troubled waters, and persuade your husband to accompany you.

Or if they think she was understandably upset by your husband in the first place, perhaps you could persuade him to toss in the olive branch and attend.

YANBU in my opinion. Life is too short. My husband has problems with my mother, and I have mega issues with my m'n'law - my husband and I are supportive of each other in the sense that we sympathise with the issues and we don't make each other do what we don't feel comfortable doing. BUT we also appreciate and respect that our mothers gave birth to us and raised us. We would never ask the other one to not attend a family function out of 'loyalties'. Effectively that would be making us chose sides - and if love is unconditional - no one can ask you to not have a relationship with your own mother. Its your choice. After many years of angst with my m'n'law - I am now low contact with my husband's support. Ironically, I feel he is so supportive to me on this issue that I have in fact encouraged him to spend more time with her - its his mother after all and she loves him and I would hate to think he looked back on his life and regretted not spending more time with her. I love him enough to not make him choose between her or me and he would not do the same to me.
I feel very sorry for you that your husband is asking you to choose - especially because he feels left out on a nice holiday. Your cousin has offered to do this because they want you with them on their special day. This being a holiday is just a bonus - if you don't go you are missing out on your cousin's wedding. Would your husband be acting like this if the wedding was 30minutes from your house? I'm sorry he sounds very selfish to me.

It's really hard to tell as you won't give details OP. I find it quite sad though especially since you said if his Mum treated you the way your Mum had treated your DH that so many people seem willing to pile into your DH.

Oh wow, your DH sounds like hard work.

I fully understand his reasons for not coming
I don't think you do.
I see you're making the 'right kind' of noises to his face but that's about it.
You are choosing your mother over your husband....and you're risking your marriage/future happiness by choosing the easy option instead of actually dealing with it

It reads to me like you're in major F.O.G where your mother is concerned....and she sounds like she is possibly narcissistic.
She constantly reminds me how good a mother she was to me ...except she wasn't and your 'complex' relationship proves this.
My DM is happy to put things to one side for the sake of her grandchildren and is being civil
How big of her - shame she didn't choose this option BEFORE picking a fight with your dh

You minimise/excuse her role in this - I can say that my mum was unreasonable.. over some words most people would think are pretty innocuous
and make excuses for her - (possibly due to MH issues
Yet are quick to 'blame' your dh and hold him responsible for this mess - my DH retaliated which aggravated things beyond repair
So basically it's all his fault?

You refuse to hold her accountable for her actions or set appropriate boundaries - I have put my upset and issues I have with her to one side for the sake of the whole family
Yet view your dh as being manipulative and controlling it's your mother who's doing that but you can't/won't see it ...for what? Asking his wife to show some loyalty and support him?

Why can't she apologise to him for your sake?
A 'good' mother would make some kind of gesture or attempt at peace if she cared enough for you or your feelings/marriage.

This won't be the only family event/function where this issue will cause problems...but she's got you where she wants you - dancing to her tune cos you're desperate for her approval/acceptance.

Why are

So, your mother has been a good mother to you for most of your life, but has in recent years been showing signs of mental ill health... and your dh is now being a nasty, controlling twat. Sounds to me like you should not cut ties with your own extended family just because your dh is incapable of comprehending what sounds like mild mental illness for which your dm needs some support. Your idea of going to the wedding without him sounds like a perfectly reasonable compromise to me - one which understands your dh's difficulty with being near your dm, but also takes account of your need to stay in touch with your own family. Your dm needs support if her behaviour has changed in recent years, not cutting off from all support by those whose love and support she needs and, having been a good and loving mother most of your life, deserves.

If, on the other hand, your dm has chased all your boyfriends away all your life and been very manipulative and controlling, then your dh has a point. This is not the impression I get from your posts, however.

@FlatToTheMat it was during the school holiday so I didn’t have work stress (or work to escape to!). I was polite, we organised lots of day trips and activities to keep us all occupied (so no time to sit and go over old issues) and my wine bottle recycling was twice the usual volume.

Can you go to the wedding alone and your husband look after the children ? You say they want to go, but do they really want to meet second cousins ?

Hi OP, are you still here? How are things?