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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

101 replies

Sunnyshiny · 20/02/2018 20:22

My cousin who lives abroad has invited my family (DH, DS1 and soon to be born DS2 along with my mother, father and two sisters) to his wedding in a beautiful location in the USA. Free accomodation at their home. (Potentially a fabulous holiday)

My DH and I had a major fall out with my mother last year and sadly this hasn't been fully resolved. I have put my upset and issues I have with her to one side for the sake of the whole family. I desperately don't want to lose my relationship with my mother. My DH on the other hand has said it's the final straw and doesn't want much to do with her.

My DM is happy to put things to one side for the sake of her grandchildren and is being civil and we are seeing each other and cautiously continuing our relationship.

DH has said he doesn't want to attend the wedding due to the feelings he has towards my mother and the way she has upset him. I fully understand his reasons for not coming and I am not pressuring him to come- although i have expressed if he wants to come, I would be delighted I have said that I would really like to see my cousin get married, and for my two children to meet their second cousins who they have never met and visit America.

So I have suggested that i go with my DC, mother, father and sisters (they are very willing to help me out with travelling with DC) without DH.

DH has said it isn't fair that we would be going on a lovely holiday without him and he is sad that I would want to go on such a fabulous holiday without him. He says he will miss the DC and I have upset him that I want to go without him.

It is his choice to not come. Yet I feel I am not allowed to go without him (My DM would be fine and civil with him coming. And I understand he feels uncomfortable around my family and I fully support his decision not to come because of the argument).

Am I being selfish for wanting to go to the wedding without DH?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnyshiny · 20/02/2018 21:06

mrsspenser
I suppose my next question would be: where should my loyalties lie?

Obviously I love my DH very much and he is my future. My DM did give a lot up for me and

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnyshiny · 20/02/2018 21:08

...sorry posted too soon.
She constantly reminds me how good a mother she was to me.

Perhaps I do need to distance myself from her.

It's probably too complicated a relationship to explain and maybe I shouldn't have posted this thread as without context it's difficult for anyone to judge.

Sorry to have wasted your time

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 20/02/2018 21:10

This is very tricky. It actually depends partly on how close you are to your cousin who is getting married. Would he be hurt if you didn't go in order to support your DH? Does he know about the falling out your DH had with your DM?

It's not your DM who is getting married. It should be possible to go to the wedding for your cousin's sake, but then have a holiday that doesn't involve your DM.

Going to the wedding doesn't have to mean that all is well between you and your DH and your DM. It might be awkward, but surely there will be a lot of guests to mingle with?

Plumsofwrath · 20/02/2018 21:10

If it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other, maybe while you are away he can go on a trip/do something he’d love to do by himself.

If your DH was in the wrong, I would think he’s being selfish and tell him to suck it up.

If your DM is in the wrong, I would go but not stay at your cousin’s house. Your DM needs to know she can’t get away with treating your DH that way, and your DH needs to know that your loyalty to your DM doesn’t blind you to his being treated poorly.

Thymeout · 20/02/2018 21:10

There are often threads on here from dils who want to go nc with their inlaws. People are usually sympathetic to the idea of their DH continuing to visit parents and taking dcs with him.

I think it's a bit much for your DH to try to stop you and dcs going to your cousin's wedding and taking part in a big family reunion just because he has an issue with your DM.

It's not a question of sides. He's being dictatorial and manipulative. This occasion isn't about your mother. It's about keeping in touch with the wider family who now live abroad. 'I'm not going, if she's going' is juvenile behaviour from a mature adult. And using 'I'll miss the children' is really selfish, when he's stopping them having a good time with their cousins in an exciting location.

Could he fly out separately and meet up with you after the wedding for a few days, if he really can't face being in the same room with her?

Lizzie48 · 20/02/2018 21:11

Snowfairy's suggestion is a good compromise, OP.

Married3Children · 20/02/2018 21:13

Your DH should NOT put you in the situation where you have to chose loyalties like this.
Your mum will always be your mum.
And your family will always be your family.
It’s not up to him to force you into a situation where you have to choose between him and your family.

What he is basically asking you is to cut contact with most of your family because HE doesn’t get in with your mum.
All well and good for him not to want to see her but he can’t also ask you to stop seeing your family because she is around (and she will be for all these big occasions).
In effect, esp of your family is scattered in different countries/continents/counties, you wont be able to attend ANY of your family celebrations.
So no wedding in your side of the family ever.
No big b’days etc...
When will you be ‘allowed’ to go and see them?

rothbury · 20/02/2018 21:13

So if your DM has been an utter cow to your DH and treated him very badly, why do you want to go away on holiday with her? What sort of example does that set your DC?

In your DH shoes I would be really angry and would probably be re thinking the marriage.

When posters say their MIL has treated them like shit and their DH is still running around after her, the advice is to leave the pathetic little mummys boy if he can't cut the apron strings...........

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/02/2018 21:17

Would you still go if your cousin wasn’t getting married?

Would you still go to your cousins wedding if your mother wasn’t going?

zzzzz · 20/02/2018 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/02/2018 21:20

But you’re going to your cousins wedding! Not gallivanting with your unreasonable mother.

He can’t cut you off from your family like that.

te7037 · 20/02/2018 21:20

It's either your DH grows up or he gets left behind. The choice is his to make.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/02/2018 21:22

Go without your DH. Don't indulge a man who is behaving like a spoilt child. He clearly thinks that his wishes take priority over everyone else's - maybe your mum had a point?

Original poster
Sunnyshiny · 20/02/2018 21:23

rothbury I don't disagree with you. I'm finding it really tough to distance myself from my mum.

She's made me feel horrible and made my DH out to be a nasty person. (Basically she thinks DH has said nasty things go her and is upset by this, but in reality these things didn't get said/ she has magnified them and exaggerated them).

I love my mum. She's been a good mum to me and supported me in a lot of ways (made me feel guilty, like I've made bad decisions and not supported me in other ways) but I find it tough to cut the apron strings and go NC

Married3chn I also agree with you. I think DH is being unfair that I feel he is stopping me from celebrating with my family.

Gosh I am so stuck.

Where do my loyalties lie? Should they lie with my DM or my DH? I think this question is probably suited to another thread (I won't start one. Things are too complicated and long winded, and boring for others to read a out to discuss on here.)

Thanks for all your input. I might show DH this thread so we can discuss it together.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 20/02/2018 21:24

(and, in the hope of forestalling the predictable chorus of whining about 'what if the sexes were reversed' I have no patience with women who try to force their male partners to choose between partner and family, either. if you don't like your inlaws, you can avoid them, but you don't get to demand that your partner cuts off his own family just to indulge you.)

OutyMcOutface · 20/02/2018 21:24

He's being unfair. He is trying to stop you from spending time with your family because he doesn't like them (whether his dislike is justified or not is not relevant). You aren't trying to force him into doing what you want so why is he allowed to force you into doing what he wants?

ReanimatedSGB · 20/02/2018 21:25

Family first (unless your family are really appalling - some families do deserve to be cut off.) Partners are replaceable.

Layla8 · 20/02/2018 21:26

I hate my sister in law, she was vile to me recently following a bereavement. There is no chance of any relationship with her or forgiveness, although she wants it. My DH supports me, she has been awful to him in the past. So, I totally get where your DH is coming from. I don’t think he’s being childish, or that he needs to ‘ man up ‘. Your first loyalty should be to him, not your DM. Harsh, but I would never forgive my DH if he did this to me. Shame, sounds like a fabulous holiday, and it’s causing all this strife. Hope you work it out.

lorelairoryemily · 20/02/2018 21:28

Your loyalty should absolutely be to your husband

nocoolnamesleft · 20/02/2018 21:30

If this were for your DM's wedding, he'd have a point. This, however, is for your cousin's wedding. What has your cousin done to him?

RebelRogue · 20/02/2018 21:30

But it's not actually a holiday. OP hasn't actually decided to take her "horrible" mother and leave DP at home all by his little lonely self.

What it is it's a family wedding that both OP,her mum and other family are attending,and due to the location and free accommodation could also be an amazing holiday.

Now her husband has 3 options:
1.go and play nice
2.go and ignore mother
3.not go.

But he can't say OP and their children can't attend the wedding of her cousins because one of the guests was a dick to him.

She's going for a wedding bot a holiday,and it's not her who invited her mum,it's the cousin.

OnTheRise · 20/02/2018 21:31

I would be very upset if his mum had treated me the way my mum has treated him sad... But at the end of the day she is my mum. I don't want to have to choose between her or my DH.

By choosing to go on this holiday with your mum and without your DH, though, you are choosing between them. You're choosing her.

If you wouldn't like to be treated the way she's treated your DH, then you know she's been unreasonable.

BewareOfDragons · 20/02/2018 21:32

I don't think this is about loyalties to your DH or DM. This is about your cousin's wedding and using it as an opportunity to also have a nice holiday that is being greatly subsidized (accommodation).

I think your DH is being unfair, tbh. You have told him you understand if he doesn't want to go, but you would love it if he would. But he doesn't have to go.

This is your cousin's wedding, not your mother's. And you haven't gone NC with your mother, you are working on your relationship. Not attending your cousin's wedding and having a nice trip because your DM will be there seems extreme, and quite unfair imo.

lazydog · 20/02/2018 21:33

I'd agree with *zzzzz's assessment: "It entirely depends on what your M did to your dh. I can say categorically that if my MIL hurt me my dh would never ask me to go on holiday with her" if it weren't for the fact that this isn't just "going on holiday" with her. It's attending a family wedding - family who have done nothing wrong.

I think you should try persuading your DH to work out some way that you can all still go to the wedding, but have absolute minimal contact with your mother, or is that not possible?

OliviaBenson · 20/02/2018 21:33

Hmmmm, I don't like the sound of your mum saying nasty things about your DH to you and twisting the truth. Does she recognise that she behaved badly at all?

It also struck me when you said about her telling you what a brilliant mother she has been to you. Why would someone say that. It's like she's guilting you to toe the line.

It sounds quite toxic. On the face of it I'd side with you but after your updates I can see why your DH is upset.

Would your mum enjoy the fact that your DH was refusing to go?

Could you arrange a different visit to America to see everyone? One without your mum but with DH?

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