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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

101 replies

Sunnyshiny · 20/02/2018 20:22

My cousin who lives abroad has invited my family (DH, DS1 and soon to be born DS2 along with my mother, father and two sisters) to his wedding in a beautiful location in the USA. Free accomodation at their home. (Potentially a fabulous holiday)

My DH and I had a major fall out with my mother last year and sadly this hasn't been fully resolved. I have put my upset and issues I have with her to one side for the sake of the whole family. I desperately don't want to lose my relationship with my mother. My DH on the other hand has said it's the final straw and doesn't want much to do with her.

My DM is happy to put things to one side for the sake of her grandchildren and is being civil and we are seeing each other and cautiously continuing our relationship.

DH has said he doesn't want to attend the wedding due to the feelings he has towards my mother and the way she has upset him. I fully understand his reasons for not coming and I am not pressuring him to come- although i have expressed if he wants to come, I would be delighted I have said that I would really like to see my cousin get married, and for my two children to meet their second cousins who they have never met and visit America.

So I have suggested that i go with my DC, mother, father and sisters (they are very willing to help me out with travelling with DC) without DH.

DH has said it isn't fair that we would be going on a lovely holiday without him and he is sad that I would want to go on such a fabulous holiday without him. He says he will miss the DC and I have upset him that I want to go without him.

It is his choice to not come. Yet I feel I am not allowed to go without him (My DM would be fine and civil with him coming. And I understand he feels uncomfortable around my family and I fully support his decision not to come because of the argument).

Am I being selfish for wanting to go to the wedding without DH?

OP posts:
user1474652148 · 20/02/2018 21:34

If you can’t stay in me hotel away from your mother I would consider not going at all.
You can continue with a cautious relationship with your dm if you want to, but you can not possibly ask him to do the same.
Whatever happened sounds serious, serious enough for him to say enough is enough.
A far flung wedding and holiday is not worth compromising your marriage in my view.
Support him, reassure him and above alll don’t leave without him.
You are the family unit, he comes first ( as you would expect from him if the roles were reversed)
Book a lovely family holiday and show him where your priorities truly lie.
You sound like you are in denial about the true extent of your mothers problems don’t expect him to do the same, I suspect he is trying to protect you

user1474652148 · 20/02/2018 21:35

Me - a

TotHappy · 20/02/2018 21:35

I agree with thyme. I dont think you should have to choose. Your husband does have a right to your loyalty. He does have a right to your sympathy if he's been wronged. But so does your mum. It's not for anyone to say you should cut contact with your mum - that's a really extreme step. You've said you love your mum and you want a relationship with her. That's what you need. If your husband doesn't want any relationship, even a distant one with her, and you feel he's justified, then you can support that, which you have by not pressuring him to go.

I can understand him being hurt if this trip will take all your money so you can't Ave a break with him and the kids this year. Is there a way round that? A small/chrap break in the UK, a 'staycation' where you take leave and plan loads of activities and do holiday things but all from your own home? Or he comes it to the USA with you but you rent some accommodation - though let's face it, he'll still end up seeing your mum if you want to see your extended family it there. I dont quite see how that can be avoided at home either - will you never invite her to your kids' birthday parties? To yours? Seems unfair to me.
Although you could have a frank talk to her about why you think she's in the wrong and that you are bot happy with how shed treated him. Continuing to see her doesn't have to mean condoning her behaviour.

Iloveacurry · 20/02/2018 21:36

If his mum treated you like your mum treated him, how would you feel? Would you be happy for him to take your kids on a holiday with them? Probably not.

puglife15 · 20/02/2018 21:37

Why are you going to the wedding with your mum?

Why not just go but not with your mum?

Are you all staying together etc?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/02/2018 21:37

How can DH not see that this has sweet FA to do with him and your mother’s falling out but everything to do with your cousins wedding?

Will you be told you have to choose between your DH and every other family gathering in future? You’re going to be very lonely if you let him win this one.

zzzzz · 20/02/2018 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iamyourequal · 20/02/2018 21:40

You have time to get this resolved. If your mum was in the wrong she must be made aware of this. She should make a full apology to your DH. He should forgive her. They should then both try their best to get on with each other, because they both love you and care about your happiness.

puglife15 · 20/02/2018 21:40

Sorry just re read your post. Do you have other family there your could stay with eg cousins' relatives/ parents /friends even? Or find a cheap b&b?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2018 21:44

YABVU. You chose your husband. It was your mum’s job to bring you up, using it as a way to emotionally blackmail you into letting her abuse your husband is despicable.

Someone has treated him appallingly and continues to lie about it to make HIM look like a bastard and you’re planning to use a substantial amount of family money to have a swanky holiday with that person.

It must be horrible having such a poorly behaved parent but you’re betraying your husband and you’d hate it if he did the same to you so have a long hard think about what you’re telling your husband, your life partner who you love and are committed to, what you’re saying about your marriage.

There will be other weddings. Other holidays. You don’t want this to be something you look back on as the time when your husband’s resentment of how YOU decide to treat him began to really hurt your marriage and your future.

Original poster
Sunnyshiny · 20/02/2018 21:44

Such conflicting opinions.

I flit between thinking my DH is being manipulative and controlling (he would be very happy if I went NC with her and stopped our DC from seeing her) and my mum was an unreasonable cow to have caused such an argument over some words most people would think are pretty innocuous.

OP posts:
Iluvthe80s · 20/02/2018 21:44

My loyalties would be with DH. He and I are a team if my dm was rude to him and out of order I would expect her to apologise

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/02/2018 21:46

Without knowing what she said it’s hard to know if your DH is being controlling. Although I’m leaning towards that way of thinking.

Fletchasaurus · 20/02/2018 21:47

I would go to be honest. You aren't doing this for your mum, but for your cousin. If my dh chose not to travel I would be disappointed, but I don't think it should stop you and the dc from going. That comes across as a bit selfish as he is choosing not to go.

RebelRogue · 20/02/2018 21:47

She's not going on holiday!!! She's going to a family wedding,where the rest of her family has been invited

HicDraconis · 20/02/2018 21:48

Your DH needs to pull his head from his arse and stop behaving like a spoiled child.

And I say this as someone whose MiL has said some truly unforgivable things to me (some of which were in an email which she mistakenly sent to her son instead of me - DH was livid when he read it). I would still attend family celebrations with DH at which she was also a guest, as I can rise above her petty behaviour and spend my time socialising with other people. I can be in the same room as her, I don't have to talk to her. It would be very unfair to insist that DH couldn't attend a cousin's wedding just because his mother would be there.

He still emails her and maintains a loose form of contact. She's his mother and I am not going to get in the way of that. When she visited recently she stayed in our house for ten days. I don't suggest that you go as far as to invite your mother to stay with you, but at the least your DH should be able to attend a wedding with you.

Also point out to your DH that if he doesn't go with you, it will be just her story at the family gathering as to why he's not there...

FlatToTheMat · 20/02/2018 21:50

I don't think that you need to make this about loyalties as such. This is your cousins wedding and you and family have been invited. One of the other invited guests happens to be your mother with whom there is bad blood with your husband bt to be fair if both were to be adults they could avoid each other for the duration and just pretend neither exists. Look at this in context. If the wedding was local to you what would you do? I can fully understand that your husband might see you as taking sides and I also understand that you feel torn between both sides but without any real idea of how offensive and insulting the argument or accusations were then it's really hard to advise. Maybe if you talk to husband and try see can you both look at this as 'cousins wedding' and not a holiday involving the mother in law then maybe it might work. If this won't work and your husband predicts another row out there then id say leave it so. It's not worth the trouble and it could ruin someone's special day. It's a very very hard situation I must admit and I do truly feel sorry for you.

Parrothead · 20/02/2018 21:50

Someone’s being selfish here, but it isn’t you. Frankly I think you’re being incredibly accommodating by agreeing to go without your DH. Family relationships are complicated and he’s only making it harder for you by putting his feeling of being offended above your happiness.

user1474652148 · 20/02/2018 21:50

You have already said he has good reason to be upset, so why is he now controlling?
Your mum has mh issues, is it not possible he is simply worried about you and his dc?
He is not replaceable, nor should his feelings be overlooked.
You sound locked into a toxic relationship with your dm if I am honest.
Don’t underestimate the harm this can do to your marriage
It is just a wedding don’t go

steff13 · 20/02/2018 21:51

You mentioned your mother has mental health issues. Have these been addressed? If so, I'd personally be willing to draw a line under the past and start over.

Ultimately, though, you're going for your cousin's wedding. I don't think your husband had a right to ask you not to because he doesn't get along with your mom.

FlatToTheMat · 20/02/2018 21:51

HicDraconis do you mind me asking you how you managed the 10 days she stayed? Was there any issues?

orangesticker · 20/02/2018 21:52

I don't think you need to go to the wedding to continue to have a relationship with your dm - this is about you not wanting to miss out on a nice holiday - be honest!

Ellie56 · 20/02/2018 21:52

If you are not careful this will set the pattern for all future family events - christenings, birthdays, Christmas, future weddings etc. Is your DH going to refuse to go to all of them?

This holiday is presumably only coming about because you have been invited to the wedding. Could you go on separate flights from the rest of the family so DH doesn't have to travel with DM and ask your cousin to make sure your rooms are as far away from DM's as possible? Then once the wedding is over, do your own thing and enjoy the lovely holiday with DH and DC.

Of course the best thing would be if DM could resolve this issue with DH for the sakes of you and her grandchildren. Have you tried talking to her?

Aprilshowerswontbelong · 20/02/2018 21:52

Your dh is unreasonable to make you feel bad about enjoying your cousin's wedding. It's not about time with your dm at all.

ADishBestEatenCold · 20/02/2018 21:54

"thinks DH has said nasty things go her and is upset by this, but in reality these things didn't get said/ she has magnified them and exaggerated them"

Is that it? All?

Your mum thought your husband had said some nasty things to her, but your husband says that either he didn't say them at all or ... if he did say them ... your mum has exaggerated what he said. Is that really all?

What happened then? Presumably (being grown ups) your husband said to your mother No MIL, I didn't say x, y, z nasty-things ... what I said was a, b, c not-nasty-at-all-things ... I'm hurt that you thought that of me whereupon your mother said I am sorry SIL, I must have mis-heard the x, y, z and was shocked that you'd say that ... I shouldn't have leapt to conclusions, thank you for explaining it was actually a,b, c that you said!

I'm guessing that wasn't how they handled it, otherwise it wouldn't have gone from there to here, with such damaging (for you and your children) results.

However, I also get a strong feeling that there are a very definite two sides to this story, and that your mum isn't solely responsible for the bad feeling.

What do your father and sisters think? Do they agree that you mother has treated your husband badly? Has your mum ever apologised and, if not, do they think she should?