To expect my ex to tell his family he’s fathered a child?

[Pregnantandfierce]

Just that really. Ex and I had been planing a baby and voila bean is baking in the oven. Ex broke up with me a few weeks ago and went back to his ex girlfriend (whom he has left over and over again - but that’s an entirely different story). Even though this was planned and I can evidence that (messages, emails etc.) he has told me he will have nothing to do with the baby. I’ve accepted that but told him I’d like his 3 children to have the opportunity to have contact should they wish to (they are all adults). He has said im being crazy and he doesn’t want them to know. For my baby’s sake I’d like to at least have tried. I was willing to allow him to broach the subject with his children but he’s refusing. I know they are not my kids and what he does with them has nothing to do with me, but, AIBU to believe they, along with my baby have a right to know they co-exist? I have half sisters and I’d hate for my parents to have kept us a secret.

I’m very emotional at the moment and just want to make sure i’m not being irrational.

All telling them is going to do is let them know. You can't make them care (and the chances are, sorry, that they'll be indifferent, or angry or upset).

Have you ever spoken to anyone who found out later they had a sibling they didn't know anything about?

Full siblings separated at birth through difficult circumstances or something, I'd understand.

Half siblings with a 20 odd year age gap I really don't think would be a big deal. It may be a big deal to the OP's baby in future years, if they go their whole life being an only child, but as for the existing adult children I honestly don't think they'd feel any connection or give much of a stuff.

Surely it's better to not try to force a relationship between them than to risk that child knowing their half siblings are not especially interested in them or possibly even resent their existence altogether.

My father had a much younger half sibling he never really had much to do with and none of our family have been in contact with her (she's roughly the same age as me) or her mother (who would probably be dead by now anyway) for over 40 years, since my Grandad died.

I also have a half sibling I have known all my life but have had virtually no contact with since we were children. It's not a big deal. I don't feel deeply connected to him or anything because we didn't really grow up together.

As they are all adults I think you overestimate how interested they are going to be in a baby born to their father's much younger ex girlfriend. I highly doubt any of them are going to view this child as a sibling and feel some deep connection with it.

Half siblings with a 20 odd year age gap I really don't think would be a big deal.

My two eldest children have 3 half siblings with that age gap. They love them and have normal sibling relationships with them.

But their dad wouldn't have hidden the younger ones from the older two, as he didn't find out he had half siblings until after his mum died, when he was in his 40s. (She wanted his dad to have nothing to do with them, so their existence was kept a secret.)

Secrets like this are very damaging when the truth comes out, which is why I say the OP SHOULD tell her exe's children.

But Astrid, you and your father knew of the half siblings. You're correct that OP can't force a relationship between them, but they should at least know so that they can decide for themselves.

I agree with astrid. I have half siblings that I have nothing to do with and it doesn't bother me. I think the op thinks this will be more importAnt to them than it actually will be. They are adults and are probably not going to be very interested in their dads ex girlfriends baby, especially after he has bad mouthed her to all of them. By all means the op should tell them if that's what she wants but I think it's best not to get her hopes up.

I don't think there is any proof these adults will be totally uninterested in a half sibling, they may be, they may not. But they will only get a chance to develop a relationship with the OP's child if they know.

I habe a half sister, i'd be very upset if she'd been kept out of our life.
If my Dad fathered a child now I would want to know. I would want to be part of that childs life.

How far along are you OP?
I think talking to their mom as you suggested might be a way forward - she might know how best to approach them and his parents.

They all have a right to know. Your baby is NOT a dirty little secret

"They all have a right to know. Your baby is NOT a dirty little secret."

Talk to the ex wife, or tell him you will if he doesnt fess up. Growing up as the dirty little secret is a horrid thing to have to do, don't let that happen.

And good luck!

Its your exs responsibility or not to tell his family. You responsibility is to tell your own children or not. You will be poking a hornets nest if you stick your nose into other peoples business.

TBH I cant see what good it will even do telling your own child, until they are at least a teenager.

Op this is your baby. If he's taking nothingvto do with it financially or otherwise it's yours and yours alone.

If you want to tell his children I'd say go ahead and do it!! He gets no say in the matter. He took himself off, removed himself from the situation and is tripping the light fantastic! You'll need help and support and who better to offer that help that your LOs brothers and sisters. Bugger him sideways and tell them. When should a baby ever be considered a dirty grubby little secret? You owe him nothing. NOTHING!!!

And if they choose not to get involved that's fine. But at least they have that choice. It's not his choice!

Julie8008 it might be his responsibility but he is abdicating that responsibility. And these are adults, not vulnerable little children. They know he's had a relationship with her. They know how babies are made. Its not beyond the realms of possibility that he could have ended up fathering another child. Why should adults be denied the knowledge because he is a pathetic excuse for a human