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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my ex to tell his family he’s fathered a child?

112 replies

Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 20:59

Just that really. Ex and I had been planing a baby and voila bean is baking in the oven. Ex broke up with me a few weeks ago and went back to his ex girlfriend (whom he has left over and over again - but that’s an entirely different story). Even though this was planned and I can evidence that (messages, emails etc.) he has told me he will have nothing to do with the baby. I’ve accepted that but told him I’d like his 3 children to have the opportunity to have contact should they wish to (they are all adults). He has said im being crazy and he doesn’t want them to know. For my baby’s sake I’d like to at least have tried. I was willing to allow him to broach the subject with his children but he’s refusing. I know they are not my kids and what he does with them has nothing to do with me, but, AIBU to believe they, along with my baby have a right to know they co-exist? I have half sisters and I’d hate for my parents to have kept us a secret.

I’m very emotional at the moment and just want to make sure i’m not being irrational.

OP posts:
Lucked · 18/02/2018 22:32

I don't know how far on you are but if possible I wouldn't contact them just yet. At sometime in the last trimester I would contact the adult children and let them know a rough due date but keep it short and don't mention your relationship with their dad i.e.

"Just to let you know your half sibling is due the end of August, I will send you another message after they have arrived unless you would rather I didn't

All the best P&F"

Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mustbemad17 · 18/02/2018 22:35

Not being funny Pregnant but he should have thought about that before he planned a child with you. He doesn't get to make the decision to have a baby then decide weeks into a pregnancy that he's changed his mind...that ship sailed the minute you guys actively started trying i'm afraid!

I have lots of experience with dickwad blokes sadly, because of this i have plenty of wondrous nicknames for them 😆 Cumsponge is another personal favourite!!

Original poster
Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 22:36

@death - I’m very sorry to have offended you, or anyone else with that statement. I will ask mumsnet to remove that comment.

OP posts:
YellowMakesMeSmile · 18/02/2018 22:37

Who discusses planning a baby by text? And who needs to produce these as "evidence

It's all a bit Hmm isn't it. What grown women plans a baby by text with a man that cheated on her numerous times??

CotswoldStrife · 18/02/2018 22:39

It would be normal to speak to someone about ovulation, not text them Hmm

Your other remark about the settlement is vile.

Gemini69 · 18/02/2018 22:40

OP ... by forcing the knowledge of your pregnancy on his adult children...it sounds like you're trying to validate yourself...

you don't want financial support.. you don't want anything from him... his kids are adults... I cannot imagine them coming round for play dates... what exactly is it you want from his adult children that you don't want from him ? I'm confused.... Hmm

Original poster
Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 22:41

@lucked - that’s a really good suggestion actually, the only thing I worry about is whether they’d be upset that I didn’t tell them sooner and I worry that they’d feel like I dropped a bit of a bombshell on them with little time to acclimatise to the idea.

@yellow - we spoke extensively about having a family and yes, he would send me text messages asking about my cycle, I didn’t realise this was so strange, it seemed pretty normal to me at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 22:44

@gemini - to enable them to have contact should they wish. Perhaps they absolutely wouldn’t want anything to do with the baby - which is absolutely fine, but I felt that they should at least have had the opportunity.

@cotswold - I’m very sorry, have asked for it to be removed.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 18/02/2018 22:46

I don't think having texts that refer to planning a pregnancy is weird.

I mean if the whole conversation had been held by text, that would have been weird. But I can easily see how it would have been referred to by text eg
OP: "I've just rung the doctors to make that appointment to discuss ttc. They can't see us for another month."
OP's Ex: "Hopefully you'll be pregnant by then anyway"

VladmirsPoutine · 18/02/2018 22:46

You seem to keep drip-feeding in the hope that someone will unequivocally tell you that you aren't being unreasonable.

If you want to tell them, do so. No-one here will care. But stop trying to justify those actions. Yes you are bitter and it sounds like a shitty situation all round, but you need to let go. You need to move on.

QuiteLikely5 · 18/02/2018 22:47

Op

You have made a huge error of judgement here.

He is all over the place and by the sounds of it you bought into it.

Telling his children you are having a baby is not something you should do lightly. In fact they may well think less of you if you do it now rather that giving their father the chance to break the news.

As cold as it sounds you don’t mean much to them. He does.

Focus on your new reality is what I would advise.

You may think a baby will keep him on the scene but rarely does that scenario work out the way one hopes

Original poster
Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 22:47

I’m also away at least 3 nights a week on business so there was lots and lots of texting. Often I’d arrange my business plans around my ovulation.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 18/02/2018 22:47

that would make sense of their Father was also part of the loop.... but he's not.. and he's not financially supporting the baby... so it's kinda strange that you would pursue this route so strongly.. yet not take a penny toward the Childs upbringing.. the baby needs that money OP way more than a connection to adult half siblings Flowers

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 18/02/2018 22:50

I don't really think your ex gets a say in the matter as to whether his adult children get to know or not.

They are adults and are responsible for their own lives and make their own decisions about everything including their relationships.

He doesn't want anything to do with the baby; he doesn't want his adult children to know; that's because if they DO, then HE is faced with owning up to his actions, his lies being discovered (remember, a lie never stays a lie, the truth is always founded one way or another) AND being put in a position where he can't really say no to being in the child's life.

Try to see it from the perspective of HIM using his adult children as a means to not own up to his responsibility.

If I found out my dad had fathered a child, i would want to know about it. I have the choice of having a relationship or not; my dad does NOT get to make that decision for me.

An acquaintance I know had a child with her partner of 4 years. He wanted her to have an abortion. She refused. He ended the relationship and then 'rigged' his financial and employment status and means of a salary so he didn't have to pay child maintenance. The awful thing is, at the time of my acquaintances pregnancy, he had an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship whom he still had contact with!
What is so lovely is that the 8 year old's mother was informed by the acquaintance of the pregnancy and the mother encouraged a sibling relationship between the 8 year old and the newborn baby girl. 7 years later, both girls are best of friends, see each other regularly and the then 8 year old girl still saw her father DESPITE his refusal to acknowledge his younger daughter.
Lately the older girl has opted to cease contact with her father citing him to be a 'dead-beat dad' who refuses to face up to his responsibilities and has vowed that until he accepts and acknowledges his younger daughter, he doesn't get to see his older daughter.

My cousin was also an unwanted child. My aunt (had 3 sons by previous marriage) also had a DS aged 2 when she fell pregnant with DS5. Her exDH threatened her, physically assaulted her and then kidnapped DS4 whilst she was pregnant. 25 years later and her exDH STILL to this day refuses to acknowledge DS5 but happily has contact with DS4. No wonder DS5 of y aunt is seriously FCUKed up.

Original poster
Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 22:53

Thanks for the advice all. I am very very hurt, I can’t deny that and definitely don’t want to hurt those that he loves hence why I haven’t reacted in anger. @Vlad - you’re probably right re being bitter and angry, I’m glad I haven’t done anything in haste and have lot’s of time to decide what to do.

@quitelikely - of course. Their loyalties will always lie with their dad and I get that. I’m really not expecting anything, I just thought it was the right thing to tell them. I wish he would, even if he wanted to do it much later on I’d be fine with that but he’s made it clear he wants nobody to know.

@gemini - I earn a six figure salary too so i really don’t need his money but I know for principles sake he probably ought to pay something.

OP posts:
YellowMakesMeSmile · 18/02/2018 22:54

It sounds like you wanted a baby at any cost and the fact that he was cheating wasnt an issue but you now want to validate your choice by telling his family. Strange you don't want your child to have a relationship with its actual father while claiming family is so important.

Viviennemary · 18/02/2018 22:56

Under the circumstances I don't think you should tell them at the present time. It sounds like there is enough discord in the family at the moment. It's all a bit strange isn't it. Having text messages to 'prove' he wanted to try for a baby. Who really does this even in these mobile phone days.

Gemini69 · 18/02/2018 22:56

Strange you don't want your child to have a relationship with its actual father while claiming family is so important

Yes ... this is what I was trying to express.. lol Flowers

QuiteLikely5 · 18/02/2018 23:02

Either way op you are looking back instead of forwards

He has gone, his actions have been appalling- focus on the future (without him) and you will be fine

Original poster
Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 23:03

You’ve hit the nail on the head @banging - the only reason he wants it kept a secret is because he knows he will be judged harshly by his family and friends all of whom are good, decent people but my reason for telling them isn’t born out of a need for retribution, he has that already served up on a plate living the life he’s living.

@yellow - we had broken up for 10 days so he didn’t cheat. I believe my previous post states that. Given his behaviour recently I’m not sure my child would benefit from having him coming in and out of its life. With that said, I would never stop him from seeing the baby if that’s what he wanted but he’s advised he wants nothing to do with the child. I can’t force contact on him, nor was I suggesting I would attempt to do that with his own children.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 18/02/2018 23:03

Honestly OP, it is really hard to work out wtf you were thinking, choosing to have a baby with this man.

If you don't need his money I suggest you keep yourself and your baby a good long way from him and also that you do not contact his family until after the birth when you'll hopefully feel a bit calmer and certain what you want to do next.

AuntieStella · 18/02/2018 23:04

You say that he's talked to family and friends about the pregnancy. Lots of people know. His DC will,find out at some point, whatever you do, because the circle of knowledge is so wide already.

How far along are you?

Because I think it might be best of you waited until the baby is born before announcing it to his or her half-siblings, but if you think you should say something before that then I think lucked's approach sounds good

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/02/2018 23:05

You’d be mad to tell his family.

Do all you can to keep this twat out of your & your baby’s lives.

I hope, by now, you are not stupid enough to take him back when he comes crawling.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/02/2018 23:07

Never mind he "wants nothing to do with the baby" - too late for that.

Tell his family. They are adults, they can decide how they want to proceed.

As for him - financially he has a responsibility, whether he wants one or not - make sure he lives up to it.