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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my ex to tell his family he’s fathered a child?

112 replies

Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 20:59

Just that really. Ex and I had been planing a baby and voila bean is baking in the oven. Ex broke up with me a few weeks ago and went back to his ex girlfriend (whom he has left over and over again - but that’s an entirely different story). Even though this was planned and I can evidence that (messages, emails etc.) he has told me he will have nothing to do with the baby. I’ve accepted that but told him I’d like his 3 children to have the opportunity to have contact should they wish to (they are all adults). He has said im being crazy and he doesn’t want them to know. For my baby’s sake I’d like to at least have tried. I was willing to allow him to broach the subject with his children but he’s refusing. I know they are not my kids and what he does with them has nothing to do with me, but, AIBU to believe they, along with my baby have a right to know they co-exist? I have half sisters and I’d hate for my parents to have kept us a secret.

I’m very emotional at the moment and just want to make sure i’m not being irrational.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 21:48

@cows - my ex has the propensity to be a complete asshole but I never in a million years thought he’d do this. I think he’s had a mental breakdown. He’s losing his job and is in debt up to his eyeballs so maybe all of this behaviour has been driven by the bad stuff happening in his life. I think it’s inexcusable.

OP posts:
Applesandpears23 · 18/02/2018 21:49

I think talking to his ex wife is a good idea and she will have a view about whether her kids would want to know. I suspect she may also want to tell them herself. Also bear in mind that a lot of people feel differently about a baby once they are born. At the moment your pregnancy may feel containable and just about you to him but once the baby is born they are a separate person and just ignoring them may be harder for him and his relatives.

mustbemad17 · 18/02/2018 21:49

I'd tell them. If you do it in such a way that doesn't put pressure on them either way then you have done your bit. Just make it clear you have no expectations, you just felt they needed to know that they will have a sibling & its their decision what they want to do with that information

Holdingonbarely · 18/02/2018 21:50

I think if they're adults then you can tell them and its their choice if they want a relationship with your dc
they aren't 5 and its not going to fuck their childhood up, I am sure they already know what type of father they have
I wouldn't deny them a relationship
Ive seen it happen and they always tend to find their sibling later in life and have a relationship which they wish they'd had earlier

this isn't up to him and I wouldn't keep a sibling a secret ever

Italiangreyhound · 18/02/2018 21:51

I agree that people feel differently about a baby than a pregnancy. But I would not rely on his ex to tell the kids. They are adults and it is not a shameful secret!

ThisLittleKitty · 18/02/2018 21:51

Are you the one who posted about this on the relationship board? You planned a baby with him even though you found out he had been cheating on you with multiple women and even found a used condom under the bed. Since you told him you were pregnant he has wanting nothing to do with you and has been abusive and threatening. I don't know why you don't just run for the hills I would want to be as far away from him and anything to do with him as possible.

MaisyPops · 18/02/2018 21:51

They're adults. I'd tell them.
Why should they be punished because he wants to be a prick and go back to his ex.

Put it this way, when it falls through with his ex (and it will) he'll be the first to claim you never told him, he would have stepped up, tell his family you lied to him etc.

Original poster
Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 21:54

Thanks @Italian - this thread has definitely helped me. I don’t feel so mean now.

I’n worried that ex will try and come back (he has major form for this) especially when the pregnancy starts to progress. I gave him the option to come back at the start but made it clear he needed to decide now, I wouldn’t wait. It’s far too stressful and upsetting.

He has been adamant he wants nothing to do with the baby and would do whatever it takes to avoid paying child support. So, Given his despicable behaviour and toxic ways I had suggested an arrangement whereby he could forgo paying maintenance as long as he leaves us both alone. Should he break that agreement he’d have to pay maintenance in full. Whilst he’s progressing to want nothing to do with the baby he’s refusing to sign so there must be an ulterior motive, he likes to leave the door open.

Just want to protect the baby.

OP posts:
Ginaxx · 18/02/2018 21:56

I think it's up to you. If I had half siblings that I didn't know about I would be heartbroken and want to know. They are adults and if they choose not to be involved then at least you have given them the opportunity. You mentioned you had a good relationship with his ex, I would probably ask her opinion as they are her children. Your child shouldn't be kept a secret. What a horrid situation for you though x

Motoko · 18/02/2018 21:57

They are adults. They have a right to know they've got a new sibling on the way.

Tell them.

Original poster
Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 21:59

@thislittlekitty - yep, please see above. Irrespective of the fact he’s an asshole his children aren’t, quite the opposite actually. Why should they be denied a relationship with their brother or sister just because their father is having another meltdown?

@mustbe - yes I was going to tell them that there’s no expectations but that they are absolutely welcome to have as much involvement as they wish.

@maisy - that’s the problem - I know it’ll fall through, it always does. I just don’t want him darkening my door when her kids get on his nerves.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 18/02/2018 21:59

Don't make deals with him OP.

He has fathered a child. You aren't taking money for yourself. You are pushing for what your child is entitled to.

Go through CMS. Get it set up. Don't allow this flakey man child to flit in and out on his terms. He pays his legal obligation.

ThisLittleKitty · 18/02/2018 22:01

Well you've made up your mind so just tell them then. Only asking as you asked this on the relationship board and now on aibu. Whats holding you back from telling them?

ChasedByBees · 18/02/2018 22:02

And to be honest what his (other) children get told is none of your business. There's nothing you can do anyway unless you are seriously considering turning up in the lives of three children and telling them - which would be an awful thing to do.

I don’t understand this at all, why would it be none of her business? They’re her child’s family. I don’t think it would be awful to tell his DC at all.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/02/2018 22:02

Op.

You understand that a written agreement saying what your describing assuming your in the UK is not enforceable nor is it valid don’t you?

Inertia · 18/02/2018 22:07

What Maisy said - don’t make deals.

If you were not married , he has no automatic right to be on the birth certificate. No reason for the baby to have his name.

He should still be paying maintenance regardless of whether he sees the baby. The baby will have the right to contact with his or her father as long as there is no danger, but the rights belong to the child not the father.

Original poster
Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 22:10

@thislittlekitty - I really haven’t hence my posting as I wanted to get the opinions of others. I haven’t up until now as I wanted to give him the opportunity to as I thought that was the most fair and reasonable approach.

@maisy. - I just don’t want him demanding contact when things go south with his gf.

@needsa - it wouldn’t be enforceable in the family courts - e.g. if he wanted contact the courts would look at paramountcy of child and I understand he’d likely get contact. This would be a purely commercial agreement, others like this exist and there’s case law precedent of such enforcements. I’ve been to see a solicitor on this. They advised against it because I’m entitled to maintenance but honestly, if this protects my baby I’d rather forgo the money. He will always pick money. Always.

OP posts:
mustbemad17 · 18/02/2018 22:11

Echo what pp have said about maintenance, don't let the rat bastard cheat your child out of what is rightly his/hers. Keep him off the BC & make him have to fight for the rights if he suddenly has an epipheny, but chase CMS from the start!

Original poster
Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 22:14

Thanks @musbe - your posts have cheered me up, I especially liked ‘rat bastard’. Tbh I feel a little guilty about taking maintenance because I have a well paid job and he’s financially in the gutter. He too is a high early £150k but has so many outgoings he’s not left with much so I’d feel bad making his financial situation worse because manintneace would be pretty high.

OP posts:
Holdingonbarely · 18/02/2018 22:18

150k
are you serious

ChasedByBees · 18/02/2018 22:20

He’s not financially in the gutter with that salary.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 18/02/2018 22:21

Who discusses planning a baby by text? And who needs to produce these as "evidence"?

DeathStare · 18/02/2018 22:26

I apologise OP. I misread your original post and didn't see that his DC are actually adults. I do think that alters things a bit.

However.... I think you need to treat very carefully with this one now. I understand that emotions are high, but think logically and give yourself some time to do so (and maybe get some counselling before you make any final decisions).

You could let his family know - and given that you had a long-standing relationship with him and so know them well, I don't think this would be an unreasonable thing to do. However if you do this it is going to open a whole can of worms.

I think you need to consider whether you really want him in you and your baby's lives and to what extent. I think you need to be clear in your own head about what you want and what the boundaries are before you get in touch with his family. I think you should also be prepared for the fact that they may not respond in the way you would hope for and I think you need to not tell them until you have prepared yourself emotionally for that.

Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 22:28

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DeathStare · 18/02/2018 22:32

raped by ex-marital settlement

OP I find this highly offensive. You may think his divorce settlement was too high but to describe it as rape is offensive to anyone who has been raped.

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