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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my ex to tell his family he’s fathered a child?

112 replies

Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 20:59

Just that really. Ex and I had been planing a baby and voila bean is baking in the oven. Ex broke up with me a few weeks ago and went back to his ex girlfriend (whom he has left over and over again - but that’s an entirely different story). Even though this was planned and I can evidence that (messages, emails etc.) he has told me he will have nothing to do with the baby. I’ve accepted that but told him I’d like his 3 children to have the opportunity to have contact should they wish to (they are all adults). He has said im being crazy and he doesn’t want them to know. For my baby’s sake I’d like to at least have tried. I was willing to allow him to broach the subject with his children but he’s refusing. I know they are not my kids and what he does with them has nothing to do with me, but, AIBU to believe they, along with my baby have a right to know they co-exist? I have half sisters and I’d hate for my parents to have kept us a secret.

I’m very emotional at the moment and just want to make sure i’m not being irrational.

OP posts:
Julie8008 · 18/02/2018 23:09

Cant see why you decided to have a baby with this man. Something is not right here.

Mummyontherun86 · 18/02/2018 23:09

You have a obligation to tell them if he won’t, I think. Your baby is not a shameful secret to be hidden, however their father behaves he doesn’t get to dictate other family relationships (including grandparents). So yes, tell them.

VladmirsPoutine · 18/02/2018 23:10

It seems to me that you just want to get back at him because you are angry. It seems as though either he wooed you and you are much younger than he is and you had thoughts of building this wonderful life together which he basically pissed on - repeatedly so by the sound of things. He must have broken your heart into pieces every time he left then filled you with hope again only for him to break it again. It is called a cycle of abuse. Look it up.

And now you're going to be left holding the baby as it were, without all those thoughts and dreams you once had being realised.

It's ok to feel bitter and angry. But the way to resolve those feelings isn't to keep engaging with him or his children or ex partners.

Keep up the therapy. It may not seem like it now but time does, if not heal, lesson the bruise. If it helps try to read about these types of personalities and relationship-types that lead to this - get it out of your system somehow, focus on the baby and pregnancy. Just leave him and his lot alone.

happymumof4crazykids · 18/02/2018 23:11

Just walk away for your own sanity. Forget him and concentrate on yourself and the baby.

Original poster
Pregnantandfierce · 18/02/2018 23:20

@vlad - I can see why you might think that but I’m not doing it to be vindictive, really I’m not. He has wrought a lot of damage but it’s not irreparable and I’m as strong as an ox and will get through it, of that I am certain.

Thanks ladies, all good points for me to think about and digest. I won’t let anger, emotions or hormones dictate next steps.

OP posts:
bakingbitch · 18/02/2018 23:21

I never post on these threads normally but feel compelled....OP I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this....a friend of mine was in a very similar situation to what you describe and she really struggled to know what to do.....I think it’s perfectly normal to have discussed pregnancy via text...I also think it’s normal to feel apprehensive about your ex having contact as his behaviour so far has been erratic it seems?! I wouldn’t do anything rash....take some time and give your ex a further opportunity to tell them....if he decides not to then I think it’s reasonable that you would talk to them about it....my friend did and the children have contact with her child even though the father is out of the picture...it can work....Should you have had a baby with this man? Probably not but you probably already know that so it’s unhelpful for posters to vilify you further because that wasn’t really the point of your thread....take care OP and take some time...

Gran22 · 19/02/2018 05:41

I wonder what effect fathers like this have on their children's lives? When two people knowingly create a child, they have a moral responsibility as well as a financial one for his/her wellbeing. Keeping a child secret from half siblings, perhaps the only siblings the child will have, seems wrong to me. As does a mature man denying his child.

OnionKnight · 19/02/2018 05:54

Something isn't adding up here.

EmmaJR1 · 19/02/2018 06:11

I'm trying to look at this from the other families perspective and I think that if they didn't know and found out later on it could be devastating. Lies just get bigger the longer they are left. If you are on good terms with the adult children's Mum then have a low key chat with her and explain that you don't want anything from them except for them to know your child exists and everything else can be led by them. She can then make the decision to tell them or not.

As for texting about conception, there's nothing weird about it, especially if you're away for periods of time.

Also for pps saying you've made a mistake getting pregnant by this man, I'm sure they aren't telling you anything you don't already know but you will have a lovely baby that you now need to protect from this mans influence. I'm not surprised you're angry! It's perfectly normal to feel anger when someone negates on a whole future you've had planned together.

Good luck whatever you decide.

CobraKai · 19/02/2018 06:21

What was his response to your 3 other pregnancies? Sorry for your losses Flowers

This isn't your first pregnancy with him. God knows why you kep trying given you know he's a cheating lying scumbag but its a bit late for that now.

If he didn't react like this to the other pregnancies, why do you think he is now?

kungpopanda · 19/02/2018 06:24

Can't see why adult half-soblings are such a big deal. The baby won't give a damn for years. And I doubt its semisibs will either.

TheHungryDonkey · 19/02/2018 07:44

It’s miserable for some children growing up having no contact or input from one entire side of their family. If ultimately just one sibling has contact that will be very important to your child as they get older.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 19/02/2018 07:58

Babies should not be used to trap people or have hold over them, or conceived in revenge.

I think your concerns need to be how you are going to raise this child as a single parent and around your work commitments. Do you own your home? Can you afford this child or will the tax payer have to step in?

Stop twittering on about siblings for goodness sake that is the least of your worried at the moment.

Also, have a word with yourself and step away from this bloke. You are nothing to him than just another shag and all this talk of babies was to ensure you slept with him and to keep you in line whilst you were useful. Then he got bored and drifted back to another woman in his harem.

GrooovyLass · 19/02/2018 08:12

I phoned my ex's parents and told them I was pregnant against his express instruction.

My baby had a right to know her family.

heebiejeebie · 19/02/2018 08:37

But you're attempting to bribe him not to form a relationship with his child. That sounds fucked up to me. I would worry about how my child would process that in years to come.

GeorgeTheHippo · 19/02/2018 08:41

raped by ex-marital settlement

That's vile, OP, utterly vile. What kind of person are you?

As regards your current decision - there's really no rush is there. Wait until the baby is here. No need to decide now, let things

AstridWhite · 19/02/2018 13:40

I’ve accepted that but told him I’d like his 3 children to have the opportunity to have contact should they wish to (they are all adults)

As they are all adults I think you overestimate how interested they are going to be in a baby born to their father's much younger ex girlfriend. I highly doubt any of them are going to view this child as a sibling and feel some deep connection with it.

BubbleAndSquark · 19/02/2018 13:47

I don't agree with the posters saying it's nothing to do with you whether his children know Hmm
Your child will have a right to have the option of a relationship with his/her siblings, which can't happen if they are unaware that the baby exists.
I would wait until around 24-26 weeks incase of something going wrong, then at that point contact the adult children and let them know when you are due and that you would love them to get to know the baby once it arrives but not to feel any pressure if that isn't what they want.

AstridWhite · 19/02/2018 13:48

I personally think it’s not good for siblings to grow up not knowing about the existence of others. I think family secrets like that are unhealthy.

Why? It's only unhealthy if the child has a good relationship and regular contact with their father and is kept a deliberate secret from his older children whom he also has a good relationship with. If there is no real relationship or contact with the father, for one set of children or the other, then what difference does it make?

It just romanticises the idea of a long lost family and makes that child feel a sense of loss and longing for something they otherwise would know nothing about and would not miss.

I don't buy into the idea that blood is thicker than water and biological family ties must be nurtured at all costs.

drspouse · 19/02/2018 13:52

The parties to a relationship between his DCs and your DC are
a) his DCs, who are adults
b) your DC who will be a baby/young child
c) you as the person with parental responsibility for your DC (I assume you weren't married and he won't be on the birth certificate).

So it is up to you to decide if it's best for your DC (it sounds like you think it will be) and his DCs who, given the information, can decide what to do with it.
He need not get involved in a relationship between an adult sibling and their child siblings.

drspouse · 19/02/2018 13:54

If there is no real relationship or contact with the father, for one set of children or the other, then what difference does it make?

Have you ever spoken to anyone who found out later they had a sibling they didn't know anything about?
From the reactions of many in this situation, I don't think you can have.

drspouse · 19/02/2018 13:54

PS sorry for triple post - I'd tell them now, not after the baby is born (springing it on them) or immediately before birth (when I imagine you won't have the energy to get involved in discussions!)

TheHungryDonkey · 19/02/2018 14:20

It makes a huge fucking difference to a ten year old who thinks he’s worthless because half his family don’t know about him and don’t care about him. Whether the op is genuine or not, some of these situations are real and having to deal with the heartbreak of a child who thinks he’s not worth bothering about is gutting. Anyone who says otherwise against my child’s real hurt is a wanker.

Geronimoleapinglizards · 19/02/2018 14:45

I would absolutely tell them. I'd want to know if i was going to have a half sibling even if i knew I would hardly see them. They're grown adults. They deserve to know.

Op I'm only saying this because you've put so much info on here but you seem to have planned to have a baby in a highly unstable relationship and with someone who's treated you like crap. I mean it kindly when I say you might want to have some therapy and explore why that's seemed like a good course of action to you.

I'm sure you'll be a wonderful mum but it seems conlmplicated to be dragging a baby into all this. I'd stay away from your ex and consider yourself better off without him.

Geronimoleapinglizards · 19/02/2018 14:46

HungryDonkey I absolutely agree.

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