To ask how you go through a divorce and don't get completely fucked over as a result?

[TattiusTeddius]

My husband and I have agreed today to get a divorce. It’s been a long time coming, he instigated it (I should have instigated it before now but TBH I have never had the guts). He’s going full steam ahead organising things. He has a very nasty and manipulative side and I always thought that, in the event of a split, he’d be reasonable for the sake of our 2 kids.

I was wrong.

DD is in private school. He can afford it, he earns £80k a year. I earn £14k working 3 days a week. He has said he will pull her out of school because “why should he have to pay”. Not because he can’t afford it, it’s seemingly a dig at me. He’s already emailed the school today.

He mentioned today that he wants custody of DD (4) but as DS (1) is still breastfeeding that he can’t take him just yet. I told him no way, I’m not a milkmaid there to feed his children until he’s ready to take over. At this, he threw DS’ baby walker at the wall in a rage.

He’s trying to manipulate me already, he thinks I’m stupid - for example, he told me to just live back into the flat I rent out. It’s a pokey 1 bed flat, but I think he’s doing it so that he can have some leverage in case of custody so that I have somewhere unsuitable to live for the children. I won’t be doing this, I’m looking at 3 bed rental properties through the week.

In terms of custody, he thinks him earning more money will guarantee him getting it - he can barely handle the kids for 2 hours as it is! Also he has a criminal record of violence and one DV incident towards me on my medical record. I’m squeaky clean in that respect and work PT to his 50 hours, so I think I have that in my favour.

He’s told me that I am not to try and get any of his money in the divorce the house we live in is in his name. That doesn’t bother me but for 4 years while he set up his own business my wage was the only money coming into the house. I supported him financially through that and will be a single mother on one income so I will be trying to get money from him to get stable.

He’s now made it clear that he’ll be paying the minimum CSA and, because he’s self employed, will be making it look to HMRC like he only earns £12k. So that means about £35 a week for 2 kids. From someone who can afford private school. I’m furious.

Also I lent him £1750 for his business out the money my dad left me and he’s promised to repay it in April. I’ve said I want this now to help with my moving costs. He said that’s fine but it means forgoing DD’s School fees for next term and her being pulled out for the summer term. Manipulative bastard.

I want to get my ducks in a row

My questions are -

⁃	what are his chances of getting custody?
⁃	What do I need to do to be smart and ensure I don’t get shafted?
⁃	Any other advice on how to make this as smooth as possible?

I have no one at all locally, only his family. I have no support, my in laws are lovely but ultimately they are going to be on his side. I need to be brave and strong.

Oh and to answer a PP, I made a will when I bought my house when I was single, my brother inherits everything. I've never changed this, always planned to but it will be staying as it is. I have life insurance and a pension too. There's more equity in the house than the flat I'd say. I'm not that bothered about that but I want to stay in my house

If you married after you wrote your will, you need to update it as ypur marriage would be grounds to contest it.

Your will became void when you married, just as any will you make when married because void when you divorce!

Ah I see. Oh well, like I say I'm not bothered I just wanna remain in my house

What a shit day for you. Virtual hug to you X

Funnily enough, I've just been reading these two threads . I think you should too. There's some amazing advice and support on there and it will give you an idea of what that fuckwit may try.
Please protect yourself and stay safe.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2030270-PLEASE-HELP-DESPERATE-AND-AWFUL-DIVORCE?

Lots of good advice here OP. I mirror what others have said about collating as much evidence and information as you can on the quiet. Keep a record of conversations/threats etc. somewhere he cannot find them. Make sure you have all paperwork that you need such as passports etc. for you and the kids, so that he cannot get them. Get the best solicitor you can. And do you think you should call the police? If you feel threatened It may be worth going to see them. Let them know what has happened. they may be able to put you on urgent response if you dial 999 or give you advice. just a thought.

Your husband sounds like a real c**t!

Op just offering support.
Going through divorce is awful but you will get through it.

To all the PP saying call the police and report it. That's fine, but the op should be aware that if DV is reported then the police may come to the home. I know by my own experience that there is no such thing as "just logging" DV, they have a duty to follow it up.
The police turning up at my door when exH was in the house was one of the scariest nights of my life.

He bought he house during our marriage with 'his' money - he convinced me at the time that it was wise to purchase solely in his name. What a fool I have been.

No you haven't - you didn't lose out from this, as much as he might think he's been clever - it makes no odds as you are married.

Also the very first thing your solicitor will say if the matrimonial home is in his name is register at the Land Registry your right as spouse over the home. It takes about 5 minutes and the form is on the Land Registry website. It means if he foolishly tried to sell the house from under you anyone buying's solicitor would see your registered rights and not proceed.

As others have said do not leave the family home as this could put you in a weaker position. Depending how long you were together the starting point is 50/50.
Ring round and get some appointments from solicitors for free legal advice, try and get to meet a couple who will usually give you half an hour.
Do not hang around to make copies of all financial documents as he will probably get to them first.
As your name is not on the deeds of the property you need to register your financial interest in it asap so as to stop your stbx selling it without your consent.
I also suggest you post this on the government funded divorce website wikivorce, where you will get plenty of advice.

Hope things ok OP. Keep strong and put you and DCs first.

Get copies of as much paperwork as you can. Photograph them on your phone and store online. Also download a recorder app to use quickly if a conversation turns nasty. Practice switching it on unobtrusively.

If you don't want to report the DV to the police OP, there's nothing stopping you discussing it with other professionals such as GP, HV etc. People who could, if it came down to it, write a report at a later date to confirm that you advised of them of the situation.

How horrendous.
I can't help or advise because I have no experience of this but plenty of PPs have given excellent advice.
Just wanted to give you some