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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you go through a divorce and don't get completely fucked over as a result?

115 replies

TattiusTeddius · 18/02/2018 15:15

My husband and I have agreed today to get a divorce. It’s been a long time coming, he instigated it (I should have instigated it before now but TBH I have never had the guts). He’s going full steam ahead organising things. He has a very nasty and manipulative side and I always thought that, in the event of a split, he’d be reasonable for the sake of our 2 kids.

I was wrong.

DD is in private school. He can afford it, he earns £80k a year. I earn £14k working 3 days a week. He has said he will pull her out of school because “why should he have to pay”. Not because he can’t afford it, it’s seemingly a dig at me. He’s already emailed the school today.

He mentioned today that he wants custody of DD (4) but as DS (1) is still breastfeeding that he can’t take him just yet. I told him no way, I’m not a milkmaid there to feed his children until he’s ready to take over. At this, he threw DS’ baby walker at the wall in a rage.

He’s trying to manipulate me already, he thinks I’m stupid - for example, he told me to just live back into the flat I rent out. It’s a pokey 1 bed flat, but I think he’s doing it so that he can have some leverage in case of custody so that I have somewhere unsuitable to live for the children. I won’t be doing this, I’m looking at 3 bed rental properties through the week.

In terms of custody, he thinks him earning more money will guarantee him getting it - he can barely handle the kids for 2 hours as it is! Also he has a criminal record of violence and one DV incident towards me on my medical record. I’m squeaky clean in that respect and work PT to his 50 hours, so I think I have that in my favour.

He’s told me that I am not to try and get any of his money in the divorce Hmm the house we live in is in his name. That doesn’t bother me but for 4 years while he set up his own business my wage was the only money coming into the house. I supported him financially through that and will be a single mother on one income so I will be trying to get money from him to get stable.

He’s now made it clear that he’ll be paying the minimum CSA and, because he’s self employed, will be making it look to HMRC like he only earns £12k. So that means about £35 a week for 2 kids. From someone who can afford private school. I’m furious.

Also I lent him £1750 for his business out the money my dad left me and he’s promised to repay it in April. I’ve said I want this now to help with my moving costs. He said that’s fine but it means forgoing DD’s School fees for next term and her being pulled out for the summer term. Manipulative bastard.

I want to get my ducks in a row

My questions are -

⁃	what are his chances of getting custody?
⁃	What do I need to do to be smart and ensure I don’t get shafted?
⁃	Any other advice on how to make this as smooth as possible?

I have no one at all locally, only his family. I have no support, my in laws are lovely but ultimately they are going to be on his side. I need to be brave and strong.

OP posts:
Snowysky20009 · 18/02/2018 15:21

You need an appointment with a solicitor asap.

myusernamewastaken · 18/02/2018 15:23

Try not too worry too much Op....it does not matter if the house is in his name you will be entitled to 50%....you will need to find a very good lawyer and dont panic as they will be used to people trying every trick in the book to avoid splitting finances equally and fairly x

HainaultViaNewburyPark · 18/02/2018 15:26

I think you need a solicitor.

BTW- You usually have to give a terms notice (or pay a terms fees in lieu of notice) when leaving a private school. So it's very unlikely that he can avoid paying for the summer term.

Justmuddlingalong · 18/02/2018 15:26

I was recommended a solicitor by a friend of a friend. A good solicitor is worth their weight in gold. Good luck.

MrsJoshDun · 18/02/2018 15:26

He won’t get custody over you. However sometimes courts will award 50/50. Though as the kids are so young and you’re p/t and he works excess hours it’s more likely that 50/50 won’t be awarded.

You need a good solicitor. You need copies of any paperwork relating to his income and savings now.

Your dd may well end up having to go to state school, at least at 4yo hopefully it won’t be too much of a transition.

Don’t think it matters who’s name the house is in when you’re married.

Good luck. Keep a record of all incidents like throwing stuff, threats, etc.

Babyroobs · 18/02/2018 15:27

Omg he sounds awful . Get a solicitor asap. He is very unlikely to get residency of the children. He will have to pay you a decent amount of child maintainance and as a lone parent you would be able to claim top up benefits whether tax credits or Universal credit. Not sure what can be done about the school fees if he refuses to pay them but he sounds awful to do that to your dd.

RandomMess · 18/02/2018 15:31

You will be so much happier once it's done, he's awful!!!

I wouldn't be in a rush to move out. How much equity in the marital home?

If he's going down the route of only earning £12k then you need most of the equity to house the DC...

ExFury · 18/02/2018 15:31

Do not move out of the house. Get a good lawyer, one that will be able to see you through the moments where you forget that he's a shit and remember the good times.

Also, you can do so safely, take copies of as much financial paperwork as you can find (email it to yourself and to a new account so you have two copies). Anything that is joint or yours remove to a safe place. That way you can show where his finances are really at.

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/02/2018 15:32

If there is domestic violence on record you should be entitled to legal aid.

If you've been the primary carer, he works full time, there has been dv and your youngest is still breastfeeding then his chance of custody is miniscule imo.

It's 50/50 starting point if you are married and then increasingly tipped in your favour if you have the children and have made career sacrifices. He's in for a shock.

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/02/2018 15:33

I second not moving out. It is your dc home. The courts generally like the least amount of upheaval where possible.

Original poster
TattiusTeddius · 18/02/2018 15:34

Thanks all.

Yes we need to give a terms notice for private school. TBH I'm not that bothered it was him who pushed for sending her there, it just upsets me that he's willing to throw poor DD under the bus to get at me.

I've taken a picture of the dent in the wall from where he threw the baby walker. All his statements for his business and personal account are in the house, I can get to them on my day off and take pictures.

I rang an estate agents today and when they called me back he told me to take the call in the kitchen. I said no I'm fine here thanks. So when I answered he turned the TV up to 75 (it's usually at 15!) so i was forced to leave. I knew he had a nasty side but didn't expect this.

He thinks he's the cleverest man in the world and our marriage has basically consisted of him taking charge and me doing as I'm told. I sure as hell won't let our divorce be like that.

OP posts:
lessthanBeau · 18/02/2018 15:35

Why do some men suddenly think they no longer have financial or emotional responsibility for their own kids after a split is beyond me.
With regards to self employment and fiddling the books, he won't be able to hide that amount from hmrc, I'd be repeatedly reporting him until they investigate which they will with enough complaints (there is nothing scarier than a tax audit even if you're legit)
Get a good solicitor, don't worry about the legal fees if they're good the money will come out of your decent settlement. Do not let it all go his way just for an easier life to be rid of him. You'll be glad you fought for your kids futures in the long run.
Regards to custody that's a no brainer he's an idiot.

NurseButtercup · 18/02/2018 15:35

I'm sorry your relationship has broken down. Flowers

Please ask MN HQ to move this thread to relationship board, you will get lots of constructive advice of how to proceed from very helpful & supportive MNetters good luck.

JaneyEJones · 18/02/2018 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peachyking000 · 18/02/2018 15:37

Re the school fees, yes he should pay them if he is a high earner. But if DD is only 4, you could potentially have another 14 years of him using the threat of not paying as a power thing. I’d consider moving her to a good state school now, to avoid this

Categoric · 18/02/2018 15:37

I think you should call the police now and explain that your husband has had a violent outburst and thrown a baby walker at the wall, that his behaviour is frightening you and you are worried for the safety of the children. Every single time he does something violent, call the police. You need a record of his behaviour. IMO he is not fit to be left in sole charge of children if he cannot control his temper.

VladmirsPoutine · 18/02/2018 15:38

Lawyer all the way. At this point there's so much tension in everyone getting 'armed' that it really is terrifying. But you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I wish you well!

Cambionome · 18/02/2018 15:39

Try to get recommendations from people you know for a good solicitor, specialising in divorce. (You can often get a free first half-hour).

Don't worry about his name being on the deeds; as a pp has said, so long as you are married you should be entitled to at least 50:50. I'm not an expert at all about custody, but I'd be very surprised if he's got much chance if he's got a criminal record for violence.

Main thing - don't panic and don't let him rush you (you are probably in a much stronger position than you think you are!) But you MUST see a solicitor asap.

RandomMess · 18/02/2018 15:40

Start documenting his nasty behaviour report all violence to police, you may get enough to get an occupation order and get him out the police.

If he starts kick off please call the police Thanks

Cambionome · 18/02/2018 15:41

Oh, and don't move out. Sit tight (unless you are worried about safety).

MotherforkingShirtballs · 18/02/2018 15:44

You won't necessarily be entitled to legal aid as there's still an income consideration however you may be able to find a solicitor who will do the work for a fixed fee and/or take their fees from the sale of the house. Contact your local domestic abuse support service, they will have recommended solicitors on file. They will also be able to advise you of your next steps and give information on home safety, finances, support agencies, and so on.

Report every incident of harrassment, intimidation, abuse, and violence. It'll help build up a bigger picture and will aid you if you need to apply for an occupation order or a non-molestation order.

Ilovecamping · 18/02/2018 15:47

As others have said get a good solicitor, might be the flat and house goes into the melting pot to split the assets, but don't leave the house, he has a duty of care to the children e.g. keeping a roof over their heads. As for his business get copies of as much as you can as it sounds like he will hide any assets, hide any paperwork that is personal to you. You sound like you are on top of things at the moment, don't be bullied. Best wishes it all turns out ok for you and the children.

AnnaleeP · 18/02/2018 15:49

Report his violence to the police, do it today. He wants to get nasty about the divorce, fine, then you can make sure he feels the full consequences of his behaviour. It won't do any harm to your application for custody, either. Think long term.

RandomMess · 18/02/2018 15:49

Why is he suddenly instigating a divorce? Do you think there is OW or has something else happened?

He could be threatening you over residency of the DC in the hope he can trade that off for less money IYSWIM?

Funko · 18/02/2018 15:50

I think above all...smile sweetly and nod at everything and don't give away your position at any point...

Let him think it's all going the way he wants. It will be a bigger shock for him and wayyyyy less frustrating for you.

Agee with the schooling too, much easier to move now than put up with the constant threat of cease paying years down the line.

Sit tight, continue quietly planning.

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