To ask how you go through a divorce and don't get completely fucked over as a result?

[TattiusTeddius]

My husband and I have agreed today to get a divorce. It’s been a long time coming, he instigated it (I should have instigated it before now but TBH I have never had the guts). He’s going full steam ahead organising things. He has a very nasty and manipulative side and I always thought that, in the event of a split, he’d be reasonable for the sake of our 2 kids.

I was wrong.

DD is in private school. He can afford it, he earns £80k a year. I earn £14k working 3 days a week. He has said he will pull her out of school because “why should he have to pay”. Not because he can’t afford it, it’s seemingly a dig at me. He’s already emailed the school today.

He mentioned today that he wants custody of DD (4) but as DS (1) is still breastfeeding that he can’t take him just yet. I told him no way, I’m not a milkmaid there to feed his children until he’s ready to take over. At this, he threw DS’ baby walker at the wall in a rage.

He’s trying to manipulate me already, he thinks I’m stupid - for example, he told me to just live back into the flat I rent out. It’s a pokey 1 bed flat, but I think he’s doing it so that he can have some leverage in case of custody so that I have somewhere unsuitable to live for the children. I won’t be doing this, I’m looking at 3 bed rental properties through the week.

In terms of custody, he thinks him earning more money will guarantee him getting it - he can barely handle the kids for 2 hours as it is! Also he has a criminal record of violence and one DV incident towards me on my medical record. I’m squeaky clean in that respect and work PT to his 50 hours, so I think I have that in my favour.

He’s told me that I am not to try and get any of his money in the divorce the house we live in is in his name. That doesn’t bother me but for 4 years while he set up his own business my wage was the only money coming into the house. I supported him financially through that and will be a single mother on one income so I will be trying to get money from him to get stable.

He’s now made it clear that he’ll be paying the minimum CSA and, because he’s self employed, will be making it look to HMRC like he only earns £12k. So that means about £35 a week for 2 kids. From someone who can afford private school. I’m furious.

Also I lent him £1750 for his business out the money my dad left me and he’s promised to repay it in April. I’ve said I want this now to help with my moving costs. He said that’s fine but it means forgoing DD’s School fees for next term and her being pulled out for the summer term. Manipulative bastard.

I want to get my ducks in a row

My questions are -

⁃	what are his chances of getting custody?
⁃	What do I need to do to be smart and ensure I don’t get shafted?
⁃	Any other advice on how to make this as smooth as possible?

I have no one at all locally, only his family. I have no support, my in laws are lovely but ultimately they are going to be on his side. I need to be brave and strong.

Haven’t RTFT but basically, what everyone else said.

Get a solicitor. Don’t move out of the house unless you think you or your kids are unsafe there.

When you are married there is no such thing as “his money” or “his house” in the eyes of the law. The usual position is that all assets are divided equally unless there is a good reason to divide them unequally. So if you had no children it would likely be a 50:50 split. Usually the primary childcarer gets the lion’s share and they often get to stay in the marital home as well.

Courts are usually biased towards the mother when deciding who gets custody of the children, and his criminal record will certainly not help him in that regard.

But you do need a solicitor.

Prioritise paying your legal fees over spending money moving house.

statements for his business and personal account are in the house
you said you'd wait til your day off to copy these - try and do that ASAP as he sounds like the kind of bloke who'll hide them from you as part of his vile behaviour now.

Get copies of all your paperwork ASAP. If you have passports for the DCs move them to a safe place. Ditto birth certificates. Change your passwords on your laptop, phone, accounts. Set up alerts for if any joint accounts passwords are changed. Appointment with a solicitor urgently. Do not leave house unless you fear for your safety. Report any incident where he threatens you, your DCs or assaults any of you.

Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t get to decide what he does or doesn’t let you have in terms of financial support, custody, etc. The Court system does all that and the more he throws a tantrum about it, the more evidence you have against him.

Keep a diary of everything he threatens, refuses to let you have and every physically or verbally abusive behaviour you witness. Keep that diary safe - saved somewhere online. Source a good solicitor and don’t enter into any further discussions with him.

The matter is now between his legal representative and yours. Don’t lower yourself to his level if he tries to goad you.

Good luck OP.

You absolutely have to see a solicitor.

I suspect he is in for a nasty shock. Get copies of anything you can get your hands on - pensions/savings/shares etc.

Lawyer up and take back control

The man's a liar.
If you're married, which you must be if you want an actual divorce, then the house is a marital asset regardless of whose name it is in and you will be entitled to half of it.
You've been doing the majority of the childcare so you are in a better situation regarding "custody" (residency) of the children than he is.
Make sure you get to all the paperwork ASAP before he hides it.
Make sure you delete all your computer history so he can't find anything you search or type.
And see a solicitor ASAP as well because if he's going to lie to you, you need to know what is a lie and what isn't so he can't make you do something you'll regret.
Stay in the house for as long as it's safe for you - it's your home too and leaving it (unless in immediate danger) will be counterproductive for you.
I agree with calling the police re .the violence - he's already got form for this, so another black mark against him will serve you, not him - however, you do need to be careful.
Call Women's Aid as well for support and advice, in terms of your safety and his violence.
And yes, any friends that you have, do tell them what's going on.

Very sad for you that you are in this situation but hopefully you will be out of it soon xx

Do not move out.
You have rights with children to remain in the family home.
Call 101 to report the baby walker incident. Dave the digital evidence in the cloud as he may busy your phone etc. Ask police to remove him - ask for MARAC meeting. This will support you.
If he's instigated this then there is likely a third party pushing him and giving advice.
He us truly unpleasant- you are not a wet nurse, you are their mother.
Get the best solicitor possible. Find any paperwork you can about his finances in the home and copy it.
Get the kids passports and birth certificates to somewhere safe.
Do you have anyone to help you? X

Also if you invested in his business (with the loan) you can claim that you now own part of it and he should buy you out.

But you need to get a good solicitor to sort it out and go for an upfront settlement and the mentally and emotionally don't count on Child payment, if you get it great but if not then you aren't relying on it.

Your life will be so much better afterwards without him in your life.

I'm sorry OP that you are having to experience marriage breakdown and divorce. On the other hand congratulations on getting away from this creep. He sounds nasty and abusive and a bully so you are better off without him in your life.

I wonder if it's a good idea to take photos of anything you own just as a record and get a miniature tape recorder and record some of the conversations you are both having about settlement. Gather as much evidence asap about his finances . Keep records of everything. Conversations. Abusive behaviour.

I think the fact he is willing to pull your child out of private school just because he is selfish shows that he is not putting your childs welfare first. This could maybe go against him if he wants custody. His violent nature could go against him too. Don't move out the house. If he threatens you to get out, call the police.

Don't worry about your child coming out of private school. She will be fine. If end of the day you end up with very little, it will be hard but at least you'll be away from this s**t.

I wish you the best of luck OP

How long have you been married OP? Does he have a pension scheme as that needs to go in the pot too. You'll both need to complete an E form as part of your Financial settlement and it all needs to go on there. Get a solicitor, do t agree to anything. Try and communicate with DH by email as then it's in writing.

He will need to consider what grounds for divorce, there will need to be reasons for unreasonable behaviour or you will need to live separated (but can be in the same house) for two years - but that sounds like it might be difficult 😔.

I doubt any judge will remove the children from your care. You will have to sort out access etc though.

Good luck op, I'm halfway through a divorce. H had already left and moved in with someone else yet when I petitioned for a divorce it still took a good 6 months for him to sign the initial paperwork. Emotionally I had checked out of the marriage years ago when it was clearly over but like you we did nothing about it until I discovered he'd moved in with someone else (didn't even have the balls to tell me, just upped and left me with 2 teenagers)

You don't have to talk to him, you solicitor will talk to his. If he tries to push you into agreeing say you will talk to your solicitor about it.

Don't move out, you own half of the house and contents. Is there a mortgage?

Just wanted to wish you good luck. Lots of good advice here, including about moving to state school to avoid 15yrs of fees being held over you, at age 4 is perfect time for your DD to swap. It will take time, no doubt but hold on to the fact that one day it will be over and you will be out the other side and you will be able to join the chorus of ‘he’s ex for a reason’

You need copies of as much financial information you can. I see youre going to get the accounts. But does he have any money elsewhere? Joint or individual bank accounts, shares, bonds, other investments etc? Also copies of his tax returns.

I also agree you should stay put if you can. Sorry you’re married to an arse.

Speak to the business manager and explain the financial situation. Could they do a short term bursary until the courts agree the finances?

We did that recently with one family where the dad was being difficult about paying after they split up. Now that the courts have agreed the finances the fees can resume being paid.

Don't leave the house, talk to a solicitor. Also look at registering your matrimonial home rights - this is your legal right of occupation of the family home even if it is owned by your husband.

I wouldn’t discuss anything with him, and just see your family, and get a solicitor. If you are married you should have some rights to the home.

I agree with others, make copies and put them somewhere safe, with a relative or posted emailed to your parents ? Make sure you have driving license, passports and birth certificates, copies of marriage certificates etc too.

He sounds like the kind of person who would squirrel away the finances to some secret account you don't know about so keep a note of any bank account details you find around the house that you've not seen before

Do NOT move out of your house. Not even for a night. Ask around divorced friends when looking for a solicitor. Get the best one you can afford who comes highly recommended.

I think you should call the police now and explain that your husband has had a violent outburst and thrown a baby walker at the wall, that his behaviour is frightening you and you are worried for the safety of the children. Every single time he does something violent, call the police. You need a record of his behaviour. IMO he is not fit to be left in sole charge of children if he cannot control his temper

Do this ^ as Catagoric suggested. Keep reporting it anytime he kicks off. You need to have as much evidence as you can that he’s unfit to have anything other than ‘supervised visits’ because I think you’ll end up feeling that that’s the truth of it. He’s violent & nasty, you need to maximise your children’s best chance at not being forced to be in his care.

Give a rough idea of where you are and someone might be able to suggest a SHL (shit hot lawyer). Meet with a few if necessary, you need to find one who will get you the best deal possible, some of them are hopeless, but a good one is worth their weight in gold. He has already proven that he’ll be a bastard to deal with, so you need someone fab.

Don’t go looking at rental properties, just sit tight in the marital home, it makes no difference that it’s in his name.

Don’t rise to the school stuff, just find the best local school you can starting from September. He’s an utter cunt to say ‘why should he pay’, but DD is 4, she’ll adapt. Better to deal with it now than if she was older and even if he changes his mind now, I’d still move her, you don’t need him holding that over your head for the next 17 years (DS to come).

It’s going to be a shit ride, but once it’s all sorted you could consider moving to where you have family & friends.

Finally, do NOT listen to ANY of his bullshit about how things are going to be, HE does NOT get to decide.

I agree with calling the police as well and get a record of all his behaviour. I think you’re going to absolutely have all your wits about you.

Finally, do NOT listen to ANY of his bullshit about how things are going to be, HE does NOT get to decide

This. With bells on.

Also for a solicitor I have seen posting on Mumset Local for recommendations.

There are basically two ways to answer your original question.

1. Approach the divorce together as two reasonable adults, agreeing what's fair and only seeking legal advice for the technical stuff.

2. Lawyer up, get as much evidence as you can and disregard anything your ex might say. Let the courts decide what is fair.

You only have option 2, since it's clear your husband is not a reasonable adult and will bully you out of what's fair. I would get financial evidence, but also keep a diary of what he's telling you.

Good luck to the three of you. Don't listen to your husband, the court should ensure that there is minimal disruption to the lives of your children.