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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Driving instructors no longer allowed to have sexual relationships with their 17 year old pupils

153 replies

StealthPolarBear · 18/02/2018 13:04

I am shocked this was ever allowed. Not only are they in a position of power but the young person is shut in a car with them individually.

OP posts:
gingergenius · 18/02/2018 20:31

And I lived alone from 17.

gingergenius · 18/02/2018 20:34

And @ThisLittleKitty as my eldest (16) is autistic, perhaps I'm a bit more paranoid than most. But better that than the alternative.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 18/02/2018 20:37

Mine was an absolute creep but at 17 I diddnt really feel able to say anything.

I suppose if you are drawn to seducing teenagers then being a driving instructor is seen as a 'safe' bet as all the students are over the age of consent.

reallyanotherone · 18/02/2018 20:40

Last time I did my safeguarding training, sports coaches (unlike teachers) were allowed to have a relationship with a learner over teh age of 16. I wonder if that has changed then?

I did my safeguarding training for sports coaches 3 years ago. It was made quite clear it is an abuse of trust for any coach to have a relationship with a student. The exception maybe being a coach running an adult class, where he/she has never taught that student as a child.

I don't know who ran your safeguarding, but I personally know of one coach who was reported and suspended for messaging a 17 year old student on whatsapp about non-sport related issues (discussing nights out, getting drunk, flirting etc). That was about 5 years ago and he has not been allowed to coach since.

ScattyCharly · 18/02/2018 20:41

Definitely ought to be illegal. 17yos are still children and an instructor is in a position of power/trust/responsibility. Mine was a sexist creep. Made crack after crack about women drivers and told me I'd fail my test (I didn't Hmm).

LadyinCement · 18/02/2018 20:48

Ds’s friend was propositioned by his driving instructor, so it’s not just girls who get unwelcome advances!

I had a nasty experience when learning to drive. The guy (30s) kept touching my hair. Like others, I was too embarrassed to say anything. Then in the next lesson he was telling me where to drive and he directed me into this wood. At that point I said I wanted to go home quite firmly. I rang the firm to say I didn’t want any more lessons, but didn’t say why.

That being said, the vast majority of driving instructors are perfectly nice professional men and there is no need for the hysteria of some posters.

Justwanttosayplease · 18/02/2018 20:48

I had two drivers, one was great but I could not finish lessons with him and take a test as I had to move. Fast forward a couple of years and my next instructor was horrid. I had to abandon my lessons and eventual test because of sexual pressure. I was driven to a secluded area to do 'reversing practice' and ended up leaving the car and running to the main road pronto for help. Nothing I could do as the instructor owned the driving school and employed all other drivers. I later found out I had been 'reserved' for them.

lougle · 18/02/2018 23:10

My driving instructor was ex-army and he was amazing. I did an intensive 5 day course with him, all day, every day, Monday to Thursday, 6 hours per day. Test on Friday morning. Then I did Pass Plus with him, all on one day, driving from Southampton to London, lunch at McDonald's and back again.

Not once did he make me feel in any way uncomfortable. He treated me like the young girl I was, let me feel like I was in control a bit with choices, but made me feel so safe and secure. It never even crossed my mind that I could have been in danger. That was 20 years ago. Perhaps times have changed, or maybe I just got one of the good ones.

ThisLittleKitty · 18/02/2018 23:12

So what age would you trust them to be left alone with a work man ginger?

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 18/02/2018 23:14

Mine put his hand on my leg. Yuck. I wish I had accidentally fucked up a hill start by crashing into the car in front. And I feel guilty for never reporting him, bit I just wanted him to go away. I hope someone reported the sleaze. # Me fucking too.

Graphista · 18/02/2018 23:19

"I am NOT saying that victims of rape are to be blame" you're getting damn close to it!

Re phones - where I live and in other rural parts of uk you could have to walk up to 5 miles until getting a HINT of a signal.

It's not JUST parenting, every child is different. Some don't have the same confidence, resilience etc that another does even with the "right" parenting (delightful criticism of the PARENTS of victims there too - you're a real gift eh).

gingergenius · 18/02/2018 23:20

@ThisLittleKitty no idea. Any suggestions?

ThisLittleKitty · 18/02/2018 23:21

Never clearly Confused.

gingergenius · 18/02/2018 23:24

@ThisLittleKitty everyone's situation is unique. My eldest is 16. I still don't trust him to look after my youngest (9). I makevthat decision based on my own knowledge of my children. Who are unique individuals. Do, please pull all the faces you like. I know my kids. You don't.

Headofthehive55 · 18/02/2018 23:37

Crikey I never thought about the sex of the driving instructor. Ive never suffered any of this inappropriate behaviour you hear about but then I'm rather fiery. (And was even as a young teen)

Headofthehive55 · 18/02/2018 23:40

ginger
I can't leave my 17 year old alone with my 13 year old. Gunpowder and a match.

Flobalob · 19/02/2018 01:11

My first one kept putting his hand on my knee. I felt uncomfortable and got bad vibes. He must have been about 60 to my early 20's.

I changed to another male instructor and he was much nicer. We liked the same football team so we had long chats about footie Grin

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2018 05:35

@ThisLittleKitty
@Lichtie

I had an abusive childhood - mainly emotional abuse. My mother was present for some of the sexual abuse from my brother. He never touched me because it wasn’t about sex. It was about using vile, sexually demeaning taunts and sexual degradation. Calling me to see him wanking in front of me, him and his friends dropping their trousers and wangling their penises in my face.

I really struggled with sexual advances, knowing what was and wasn’t appropriate, knowing what and wasn’t my fault. His friend (one of the willy wanglers) walked in my room when I was 17 and naked. I didn’t even know I had the right to chuck him out, that’s how badly my boundaries had been breached in my childhood. So I chatted to him as if all was normal, trying to be cool even though I wanted him to get the fuck out of my room. All the time worrying my mother would come upstairs and see what was happening and go mad at me for being a slut.

How should girls like me have known how to react? Afterall other girls my age lived alone and therefore as they were fine, my being vulnerable was ridiculous, wasn’t it?

fatalAttractions · 19/02/2018 06:11

Hasn't this thread brought out some delightful comments!

"I've wondered if I should have reported him" (because he made the poster feel uncomfortable)

"But why should girls/women ever have to have a male instructor?"

Have? Who mentioned "have".

"No need to bother with a male. Just don't trust them in an enclosed space."

"It's been known for yonks that driving instruction attracts a not small contingent of creepy men hasn't it?"

What strange paranoid lives some of you must lead. It's fuel for misogynists!

DixieFlatline · 19/02/2018 06:19

It's fuel for misogynists!

Apparently it's bait for a lot of disingenuous posters.

And thanks, it's been a while since I've seen the 'women's fear of men is completely irrational and it makes men hate them' chestnut.

DixieFlatline · 19/02/2018 06:21

Actually, while we're going down that road - is it women's irrational fear of men that makes men rape and murder them, too?

fatalAttractions · 19/02/2018 06:21

So you think that you should not bother with men and that you shouldn't trust them in an enclosed space is normal, rational and sane behaviour?

Where are the disingenuous posters?

fatalAttractions · 19/02/2018 06:24

"is it women's irrational fear of men that makes men rape and murder them, too?"

What road? The road to crazy? Is it irrational fear of babies that makes mothers commit infanticide?

How did you manage to get onto rape and murder from my suggestion that "not trustng them in enclosed spaces" or "not bothering with them" is sexism and clearly stupid remarks.

Terftastic · 19/02/2018 07:01

Nothing brings the misogynists over to MN like men being told not to shag or assault their young pupils. Wink

gingergenius · 19/02/2018 07:06

I can't believe the unpleasantness on here! Of course many women (of any age) have a reason to be wary of being cooped up in an enclosed space on their own with an unfamiliar man. It's not paranoia. It's because too many women have been inappropriately treated by men. That's why they are wary and understandably so. This new law will help to ensure people's safety. But yes! Let's wheel out the accusations of 'crazy/hysterical/paranoia' because that's really helpful!