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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Driving instructors no longer allowed to have sexual relationships with their 17 year old pupils

153 replies

StealthPolarBear · 18/02/2018 13:04

I am shocked this was ever allowed. Not only are they in a position of power but the young person is shut in a car with them individually.

OP posts:

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 18:07

Does she have to do what?

It's been known for yonks that driving instruction attracts a not small contingent of creepy men hasn't it?

I think it should probably be all ages. It's uncomfy at any age to have a man you are paying to do a job for you, make a pass at you / get handsy etc when you're shut in a small enclosed space with them.

For the older ones if they're interested they could ask them out once teacher / student relationship has come to an end.

Elendon · 18/02/2018 18:10

I hope I am raising my kids well enough that they know they can either abandon a lesson anytime they would remotely feel uncomfortable, chose another instructor and not feel like they have to date some random bloke they see 1 hour a week!

And if they didn't do that Saskia would you put the blame on them? Or would you blame the predatory man?

gingergenius · 18/02/2018 18:10

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe do what? Not sure I understand your question?

lostmyfeckingkeysagain · 18/02/2018 18:22

I was sexually assaulted by a driving instructor during my first ever driving lesson at 17 years old. I was a very shy, anxious teen. I didn't report him because I thought I must have done something, sent out some kind of signal, to make him think it was ok. Instead I just refused to have any more driving lessons (my poor parents were baffled and quite frustrated with me) and didn't start learning again until I was in my mid twenties.

Driving instructors are in a position of trust with vulnerable young people and I can see how the profession would potentially attract predators so anything that highlights the risk and goes some way towards safeguarding young people is very welcome in my opinion.

Graphista · 18/02/2018 19:07

Saska where I live is very rural, a pupil is supposed to just jump out miles from any public place? Not to mention most youngsters don't have the confidence to challenge someone in a position of authority who has their safety in their hands.

Your DC aren't even teens yet so you don't understand how they often feel a need to please, to be accepted... Plus there's the fact that these creeps are very effective at making victims feel flattered, obligated, indebted to them...

gingergenius · 18/02/2018 19:15

@Graphista I had a music teacher who made me feel like shit. Not inappropriate sexually but certainly the kind of bullying teaching style that was prevalent in the 80's. Same with my ballet teacher (I trained for 10 years so not a fleeting problem). I voiced my concerns and was met with derision. It's not always easy to have your worries taken seriously when you're a teen.

SaskaTchewan · 18/02/2018 19:25

Graphista
First, I have been a teen, and have been in a situation where things could have ended up very badly for me, but knowing that my parents were supporting me and encouraged me to do just that, I did resist and got away, and despite feeling that I should be ashamed, I reported the incident.
So yes, I am hoping to raise my kids the same way that my parents raised me and know they don't have to put up with any crap. I am NOT saying that victims of rape are to be blame, we are talking about something different here!

Finally, my kids have phones, they might be younger but they know how to walk until they have a signal if they haven't got one!

gingergenius · 18/02/2018 19:34

@SaskaTchewan it's great that you're raising your kids with such fantastic values. Sadly though, in spite of our best efforts, our kids don't turn out exactly as we plan, because they are unique humans with their own way of relating to the world. So it's possible that in spite of your best efforts, they may still feel threatened by this situation and freeze. Probably not but That's why this new legislation is a good thing. Just in case.

Lichtie · 18/02/2018 19:44

At 17 they can have left home, got married, have jobs etc, some have their own kids! Banning relationships isn't going to stop the (small minority) creeps.
Are you going to ban electricians, builders, painters from having relationships with their customers?

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 19:45

Fucking hell I don't think people working in others homes should be propositioning / asking out / getting handsy with 17yo girls that live in that house, no!

Jesus christ.

Lichtie · 18/02/2018 19:46

I would have thought a boss in a workplace has much more of a position of authority than someone that you are employing... You are in charge if their income

Lichtie · 18/02/2018 19:48

Nobody is saying "getting handsy" is ever acceptable

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 19:48

If I hired an electrician to work in my home and found out he was coming onto my 17 yo DD I would go mental.

That is a massive abuse of trust and extremely inappropriate (dodgy) IMO. So you go out and your daughter is at home and he starts chatting her up? Just no - I think I would have been really freaked out if that had happened to me and you're in a house together the underlying idea that he can do what he wants and no-one can hear is going to be there...

Yeah just no, really don't understadn the posters saying all of this is fine and normal and why question it.

WHY should very young women have to defend themselves from approaches from older men all the time, even when they are in their own home or in a car with them? Why can't men just not do this?

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 19:49

The 17yo girl isn't in charge of their income WTF it's generally going to be their parents.

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 19:53

When I was 17 I got approached by random and not so random men a lot, and I never knew quite how to handle it, and I didn't like it, but there wasn't a lot I could do about it, because usually what they did wasn't actually illegal.

So you're in your bedroom and your mum goes out and the plumber decides to come in for a chat in your doorway... Just no!!!!

17yo girls on the whole would be a LOT happier if older men would just leave them the fuck alone, not sure why some women on the thread are all yeah this is AOK and if she doesn't like it, then she needs to deal with it. Well guess what when we were growing up we were expected to deal with it ourselves and you know what, none of us really knew how. We just put up with it and avoided them - hard if they are your driving instructor or working in your house and for the driving instructors this is exactly why this rule has come in.

gingergenius · 18/02/2018 19:53

@Lichtie if I have an electrician/plumber/builder in my home I would not leave my only just legal teenage children at home with them alone. Apart from anything it's entirely likely that my kids wouldn't have a clue what to tell them was wrong, if asked!

I don't know them and I would not expect my kids to deal with them on a professional basis because it's entirely probable they wouldn't understand or fully comprehend the details of the tradesperson's conversation and/or requirements.

Lichtie · 18/02/2018 19:56

My comments were more aimed at people posting it should apply to all ages. That's why I first asked if it was just 17 year olds.
But like u say, at 17 I had left home, had my own house, had a job. Plenty of others are the same.

Jellyheadbang · 18/02/2018 19:58

My instructor left his wife and family for his pupil. He’s mid forties she’s late teens. I used to like him, this really put me off him.

gingergenius · 18/02/2018 20:02

@Lichtie I did too. I was still very young and I was still taken advantage of then in a way I wouldn't be now.

If you are in a tutoring position you should not engage in a romantic, emotional or sexual relationship with your students. If you both want to, the options are simple: don't teach them, don't be their teacher, or don't have them as a student. It's for EVERYONE'S benefit.

5foot5 · 18/02/2018 20:02

Golly!!

When DD started lessons her instructor came in to introduce himself to us. I guess it was a nod towards showing it was above aboard and he wasn't a creepy fucker

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 20:04

"But like u say, at 17 I had left home, had my own house, had a job. Plenty of others are the same."

So older creepy men should crack on then?

No wonder we have so many stories on #metoo etc if there are women who feel this way.

UpABitLate · 18/02/2018 20:06

What about girls who haven't left home, who have had sheltered upbringings, who haven't been spoken to about stuff by their parents, who have unsympathetic parents, who have issues in their lives that make them more vulnerable.

The idea that 17yo girls are NOT vulnerable is pretty grim.

Are 17yo boys vulnerable? In your view? Or not.

Lichtie · 18/02/2018 20:12

UpABit... Everyone and anyone can be vulnerable. There is very little difference between a 17 yo and an 18 yo in terms of maturity.
I didn't say it was ever OK to abuse someone or take advantage of someone.

ThisLittleKitty · 18/02/2018 20:16

@Lichtie if I have an electrician/plumber/builder in my home I would not leave my only just legal teenage children at home with them alone. Apart from anything it's entirely likely that my kids wouldn't have a clue what to tell them was wrong, if asked!

Really?! This sounds so paranoid. I lived alone at 16 so had to deal with workmen. No one ever came on to me and generally they should know what they are doing since it their job that they won't really need to ask. Can't 17 year olds be trusted with basic instructions?!

gingergenius · 18/02/2018 20:30

@ThisLittleKitty I guess it's paranoid if you've never been abused. For anyone who has, it makes sense.

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