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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever acceptable?

103 replies

Spexfactor · 18/02/2018 12:18

Named changed for obv reasons.

2 1/2 years ago me and dh had massive row ending up with him between me and dd as a 6 month old. I was furious and desperate to get to her so I dug my nails into his back, he turned around and hit me on the arm 3 times and pushed me into the door. I had bruises for days. I don’t remember what the argument was about but at the time he was very jealous that I got to spend so much more time with dd as I was on mat leave.

Today we got started on a simple discussion that escalated quickly. After he got to shouting at me I said could he just let me out of the car (he was driving). I must have asked him 10 times. I just wanted to get away from his screaming. I literally had my hands over my ears.

He wouldn’t let me out and hit me in his anger. With a fist on my arm.

I know it’s not acceptable to hit anyone but do I break my family up for this? I swore if he hit me again I’d go but is two punches in 3 years a deal breaker? Could it be called domestic violence or is that vastly overdramatic?

OP posts:
RainOnATinRoof · 18/02/2018 12:20

Does he understand how serious his behaviour is? Or does he try to minimise it / blame you?

PositivelyPERF · 18/02/2018 12:20

You assaulted him the first time and he retaliated. The second time he assaulted you. You both need to grow up or separate. This is ridiculous behaviour and the person that’s going to suffer the most is your poor child.

MynameisJune · 18/02/2018 12:21

Hitting is never acceptable, was your DD in the car at the time? Are you happy that she’ll grow up thinking this is acceptable?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 18/02/2018 12:21

It's definitely domestic violence and I'm so sorry you've gone through it.

Got to be your choice as to whether it's right to split up your family but you deserve so much more than being treated like this.

I'd also worry where it would end - would he end up being violent towards your DD as well?

Personally I'd get out x

FittonTower · 18/02/2018 12:22

If my husband was screaming at me, refused to let me leave a car/room/where ever we both were and then hit me I would leave, yes. It's completely unacceptable behaviour and I wouldn't want my children growing up in a family where that might happen again.

trojanpony · 18/02/2018 12:22

Yes.
Your relationship is toxic and incredibly unhealthy this isn’t normal.

I would have suggested couples counselling if it was the first instance in isolation (but irrespective of your role in all this he sounds abusive and rule no 1 don’t have counselling with an abuser )

Don’t raise your child in this environment it won’t get any better

Rainboho · 18/02/2018 12:22

One punch in a minute is a dealbreaker.

Stopping you getting to your child is a dealbreaker.

Stopping you leaving the car is a dealbreaker.

The prospect of his temper being taken out on your DD as she gets more independent is a dealbreaker.

You need support, you don’t deserve this.

Oh and he is the one breaking up the family.

ConciseandNice · 18/02/2018 12:23

Well the first time, you attacked him first. It seems to me that the dynamic is very bad and that for the sake of both of you, as well as your daughter you need to separate.

snakeshun · 18/02/2018 12:30

Fuck off with the she assaulted him first bullshit. He was blocking her from their baby.
He's a violent abusive bully.
You need to leave immediately op. Please call Women's aid.
Some of the replies on this thread are disgusting.

contrary13 · 18/02/2018 12:59

In the first instance, not only was he blocking her from their very young baby... the OP has also said that he was jealous of the amount of time she - the mother, on maternity leave - was spending alone with the small baby in question. That in and of itself is a red flag, in my opinion. It smacks of possessiveness: a quality of "she's mine, not the mother's!".

In the second... as others have said, was your child in the car, OP? Did she witness this assault (because that's what it was)? How many other arguments between you has she been made privy to? I grew up in a "family" where my parents argued and beat the shit out of each other in front of me. It's done a number on me. It has eroded my self-esteem and left me untrusting of... well, everyone. Please don't inflict that upon your own child.

Or yourself.

Get out whilst you still can.

Before your child ends up hating you because of what she's had to witness/endure during the one period of her life which shouldn't be made heavy (childhood).

Risen · 18/02/2018 13:07

Both times, he provoked you. And then hit you.

MsGameandWatching · 18/02/2018 13:10

You need to leave this abusive, controlling fucked up man. Normal people feel sad that they have less time with their children not jealous and they talk about how to alleviate the situation. They don't prevent the other parent from getting to their baby and they don't physically attack the other parent.

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2018 13:13

Once is enough for me.

So I'd have left you after you assaulted me.

And I'd have left him after he assaulted me.

Only you can judge your limits. I'd not be with either one of you.

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2018 13:16

Both times, he provoked you. And then hit you

Oh right. Sorry I didn't get that memo. If a man provokes it's ok for the woman to physically assault him. It's just not ok when the genders are reversed. If a woman provokes it's not ok for thr man to assault her.

Nope. Try again. Irrelevant of who provokes, it's not ok to physically assault. You don't get off with it because you're female.

Grilledaubergines · 18/02/2018 13:20

You’re both guilty of domestic violence. Separate for your child’s wellbeing and both get help for your anger.

MsGameandWatching · 18/02/2018 13:25

NO! He started the physicality when he physically prevented her from getting to her child. He used his body and strength against her to keep her child away from her. Stop this she did it first shit.

torBrowser · 18/02/2018 13:30

You started this.

This is domestic violence but I think you'd be unfair to suggest this is all him.

@snakeshun

Yes, your reply (amongst others) is disgusting. I assume that's what you meant. Nothing gave the OP the right to assault the man. I didn't know that "provoking" was a reason for violence!

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 18/02/2018 13:30

He's an abusive wanker op

Ask yourself what kind of example this relationship is setting for your child.

THE AMOUNT OF ACCEPTABLE ABUSE IN A RELATIONSHIP IS NONE.
Zilch.

He is controlling, possesive, jealous and violent.

Many many waving red flags here.

Especially the blocking you from your baby, that's a very very dangerous red flag.

Get away from him in the safest way you can.

Contact Womens Aid.

Do the Freedom Programme.

SaskaTchewan · 18/02/2018 13:30

you sound both as bad as each other. Posters can't play the "weak" female card to make him sound worst, sorry.

He was between you and your child. So what? The mother doesn't have more rights than the father, if you had been screaming like a banshee, I wouldn't have let you near the baby either. Was he threatening the child in any way? He could have just as well been protecting it.

He didn't let you out of the car, ok, but where were you? In Central London where you could jump in public transport, or in the middle of nowhere where he would have been mad to left you stranded?

You both need to address your situation urgently. It's a terrible example for your poor kid.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 18/02/2018 13:31

Today we got started on a simple discussion that escalated quickly.

Any assault is unacceptable, but why did you start arguing whilst he was driving? Surely you knew this was dangerous and he needed to concentrate on the road. Thank goodness you didn't have an accident or kill some innocent person.

You both need to grow up.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 18/02/2018 13:34

Oh fuck off with making out op is just as bad as him.

So many people quick to find the tiniest fucking thing to excuse men for their shitty behaviour.

If a violent abusive cunt was blocking me from getting to my baby I too would fucking snap.

The very fact he did that is a huge red flag in itself.

She digs her nails in once, in an extreme and stressful situation, he thinks it's ok to punch her when he doesn't get his own way.

The two are not comparable.

It's people like you minimising abusive behaviour means countless women stay in awful relationships because "it's not that bad".

You are gaslighting the op.

HazelBite · 18/02/2018 13:35

You both need to grow up, FFS you are now parents, rows like this escalate where one person has to have the last word or "win" you are both as bad as one another,.
You were both screaming at each other in the car and both fighting over your "baby" .
Everybody argues its natural it takes a bigger person to stop and think is this argument really important or worth it.
How is your relationship the rest of the time?

RainyApril · 18/02/2018 13:36

Where were you driving when you asked to get out of the car?

Because if it was on a motorway, or any road where he couldn't legally stop, or somewhere where it'd be unsafe to leave you, then I think there's some context.

MsGameandWatching · 18/02/2018 13:36

He was between you and your child. So what? The mother doesn't have more rights than the father, if you had been screaming like a banshee, I wouldn't have let you near the baby either. Was he threatening the child in any way? He could have just as well been protecting it.

What a load of made up shit Hmm

Cherrycokewinning · 18/02/2018 13:36

You know what? I think you’re too hung up on labels . Why do you need to define it? Do you need a reason to leave?