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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever acceptable?

103 replies

Spexfactor · 18/02/2018 12:18

Named changed for obv reasons.

2 1/2 years ago me and dh had massive row ending up with him between me and dd as a 6 month old. I was furious and desperate to get to her so I dug my nails into his back, he turned around and hit me on the arm 3 times and pushed me into the door. I had bruises for days. I don’t remember what the argument was about but at the time he was very jealous that I got to spend so much more time with dd as I was on mat leave.

Today we got started on a simple discussion that escalated quickly. After he got to shouting at me I said could he just let me out of the car (he was driving). I must have asked him 10 times. I just wanted to get away from his screaming. I literally had my hands over my ears.

He wouldn’t let me out and hit me in his anger. With a fist on my arm.

I know it’s not acceptable to hit anyone but do I break my family up for this? I swore if he hit me again I’d go but is two punches in 3 years a deal breaker? Could it be called domestic violence or is that vastly overdramatic?

OP posts:
SaskaTchewan · 18/02/2018 13:37

LanaKanesTerfyVagina
stop projecting your issues and twisting things. You are ridiculous and you know it. Starting digging your nails into somebody is not acceptable and never will be.

Poor child in the middle of this nonsense.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 18/02/2018 13:38

I'm not playing the "weak female" card.

He's the weak one.

Abusers are weak and pathetic.

She needs to find her strength, get out, and build better boundaries, not minimise his abusive ways and convince herself she is as bad as him.

Have any of you minimisers actually been in an abusive relationship??

Cos I have, and it fucks with your head.

I'm willing to bet it's not just the odd punch either.

Does he control you ?

Are you constantly walking on eggshells?

If you don't toe the line does he make you feel shit?

RainyApril · 18/02/2018 13:38

And op said 'he ended up between me and our 6mo' not that he was maliciously preventing her from reaching her child.

She attacked him first on that occasion.

Andrewofgg · 18/02/2018 13:39

You are both perpetrators of d.v. and you need to split now.

Ginger1982 · 18/02/2018 13:40

You're both as bad as each other. For your child's sake, separate.

torBrowser · 18/02/2018 13:40

@LanaKanesTerfyVagina

If a violent abusive cunt wanted to get to my baby then I would too would fucking snap. I'd hit her back after she dug her nails into my back. Shoving her away from me and the baby would be justified and legal too.

It's people like you who thinks that domestic violence towards men is justified who lead to such a high number of male suicides due to being the victims in violent relationships.

You justify the OP's violence because it was a stressful situation. You need a grip.

The baby is no more the OP's than the father's. She was the first person to be physical. She had no more right to demand he move and let her get the baby than he did to stop her and considering she lashed out it sounds like she should have been kept away.

You're blinded by your misandry.

Grilledaubergines · 18/02/2018 13:41

Posters can't play the "weak" female card to make him sound worst, sorry.

And yet posters frequently do this.

Badly behaved female? There must be a male at the route of it.

Badly behaved male? Nope, that’s just them.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 18/02/2018 13:41

stop projecting your issues and twisting things. You are ridiculous and you know it

Nice.

Real nice.

I'm not the one calling people "ridiculous" for a start. Hmm

It's not "projecting" to use you own life experiences to see through the layers.

Why so desperate to lay this on the op?

I'm not the one twisting things to suit their narrative here.

MsGameandWatching · 18/02/2018 13:43

He ended up between her and her child after an argument about him being jealous that she got to spend more time with their child. It is ridiculous to say that this is a perfectly reasonable man who was attacked by his hysterival wife.

OP you're getting a lot of nonsense responses on here, I suggest you head over to the Woman's Aid website and also look at The Freedom Programme - there's a brilliant book you can get if you can't actually do the programme. Those of us who have been in abusive relationships can see what's happening.

MsGameandWatching · 18/02/2018 13:44

"A violent abusive cunt"

Shock

You're basically just making things up. How weird.

Grilledaubergines · 18/02/2018 13:44

It's people like you who thinks that domestic violence towards men is justified who lead to such a high number of male suicides due to being the victims in violent relationships.

This too.

So many women just behave like entitled, brattish dicks at the moment. So focussed on their mysandry that they’re unable to look at a situation using common sense and impartiality.

MsGameandWatching · 18/02/2018 13:46

It's people like you who thinks that domestic violence towards men is justified who lead to such a high number of male suicides due to being the victims in violent relationships.

Bollocks.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 18/02/2018 13:47

Badly behaved female? There must be a male at the route of it

98% of violence is commited by men.

Sure some violence is commited by women, and I will and have called it out.

I'm not excusing her, but there are people here basically gaslighting the op into believe that she's as bad.

Lovely to see so many women turning on me and calling me names when I'm giving my life experiences.

When men stop abusing women I'll stop calling them out.

It's not misandry to state actual facts.

Schlimbesserung · 18/02/2018 13:47

I don't think it matters at this point who is to blame for what, who started what or who is the worst abuser.
The point it, this relationship is violent. These people are not good for each other or good to each other. Regardless of blame, the situation is going to get worse. For the sake of all the parties involved, these two people need to be apart and work on finding a peaceful way to raise their child.

SaskaTchewan · 18/02/2018 13:47

LanaKanesTerfyVagina
I don't care if you are male or female, if you start digging your nails in my back I call the cops, that's assault. I would probably get you off my back with a punch in the face first, even if you are a female too.

Again, they are both as bad as each other, they are both behaving in an unacceptable manner.

You are twisting everything because one of them happens to be "male".

youarenotkiddingme · 18/02/2018 13:48

Sonic OP stood between her DH and baby it would be ok that he hit her ShockHmm

Totally agree with those saying this is a toxic relationship. The dynamic seems to be 'one up manship' and that never ends well

SaskaTchewan · 18/02/2018 13:49

It's not misandry to state actual facts
According to the OP< she started the physical fight. Being on maternity leave, we kind of assume she is female...

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 18/02/2018 13:50

He is a violent abusive cunt.

Fact.

How strange you think a man who thinks, even just once, that punching someone, anyone isn't.

He hit the op.
Thats violence.
Punching someone makes you a cunt....ergo.....he's a violent abusive cunt.

Again.

THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE LEVEL OF VIOLENCE OR ABUSE IN A RELATIONSHIP IS NONE.

It is not ok if it's just once.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 18/02/2018 13:50

You are both as bad as each other, both have physically abused each other but you can't see your own behaviour is just as bad as his.

You both need help and to separate as there're an innocent child in all this. One that deserves parents who don't think it's fine to physically hurt the other.

Kitsharrington · 18/02/2018 13:52

You are as bad as each other. It’s never going to change probably so do your kid(s) a favour and separate now.

MsGameandWatching · 18/02/2018 13:52

I don't care if you are male or female, if you start digging your nails in my back I call the cops, that's assault. I would probably get you off my back with a punch in the face first, even if you are a female too.

But he didn't did he? He attacked her. Personally I would use the minimum amount of force to get someone off me but then I would never have been arguing about being jealous that my child's other parent got to spend more time with them in the first place because that's weird and controlling. I do wish the OP would come back but am worried she won't with all the rabid desperation to make sure that she knows so many think we all Women Are Just As Bad when the truth is they're not. Most of you have literally no awareness or knowledge of the dynamic in abusive relationships and are commenting as such. You're lucky.

Stompythedinosaur · 18/02/2018 13:53

Yes it is domestic violence and you need to leave to protect yourself and your child.

You aren't breaking up your family - he is responsible for that.

SaskaTchewan · 18/02/2018 13:55

THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE LEVEL OF VIOLENCE OR ABUSE IN A RELATIONSHIP IS NONE

we all agree on that, which is why they are as bad as each other and both damaging their child.

MsGameandWatching · 18/02/2018 13:56

Says the poster who'd punch their wife in the face instead of trying to restrain them Hmm

Ginkypig · 18/02/2018 13:57

Although I don't condone you digging your nails in but do understand why you did in that circumstance! both the things you have described are abusive and if it were me I would definitely leave

especially because I have been in an abusive relationship and have seen that things always progress. Infact they are probably worse than you think because it's not until your out the other side that you can see the low level constant stuff that you just live with to try to avoid the "bigger" stuff happening

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