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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go for lunch

129 replies

Nibblertron · 18/02/2018 09:36

We are invited for lunch at a (sort of) friend’s house today, and I can’t think of anything I would less like to do. I just said to DH I’d rather poo-pick the garden and he agreed and said there’s a hole in the wall he'd prefer to concrete in.

I just can’t cry off though, it would be too rude. Got to go, get flowers and wine, grin and bear it. Bah!

AIBU?

OP posts:
BrazzleDazzleDay · 19/02/2018 09:08

Ah c'mon now OP, twins are easy, you've two hands right? Pft

I'm not sure I get her logic though, you don't just dump one on the floor and cuddle the other, you learn to cuddle both!

Mine are 3 now, even I sometimes like to delude myself it was a piece of piss Grin

murmuration · 19/02/2018 18:34

she kindly explained to him it was no more effort than having one child, apparently it just means that each child gets less cuddle time.

I’m a mum of twins as well and people make those comments all the time.

I'm flabbergasted that people actually think this! Or are they just looking for something to say and get their foot in? I'm a Mum of a singleton and when DD was little everytime I saw someone with twins I'd just think, "thank heavens there's only one of her" - I've always imagined it must more than twice as hard! Two babies at once!

ForgivenessIsDivine · 19/02/2018 18:35

Somebody posted this on Facebook:

Sometimes I meet people, and my soul gets high. I feel the synergy between us in every cell of my body, and I know we met for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Other times I meet someone and I can hear my soul snoring. And I know there is no point in pursuing this "relationship" any further.

I have no time for situations and people who don't make my heart and my soul sing.

I like her attitude...... I feel sorry for your friend though....

cheval · 19/02/2018 18:52

A friend of many years standing asked to come and stay for weekend. Said she’d be here at midday. At about 2pm she phoned and said oh son has decided to come home for weekend so I won’t be coming! By this time I’d done all the usual work to welcome a guest, making beds, food etc. To say I was upset was an understatement.
Didn’t mind her cancelling, but a bit more notice than minus two hours would have been good. So hope you went along, smacked on a smile for the partner you don’t like and made it a nice time for your friend.

Tiredoftalking · 19/02/2018 19:05

She has a 4 month old baby, cleaned her house, made food and conversation with people she doesn’t know very well. I think she has done well.

UrsulaPandress · 19/02/2018 19:19

Did you get the cheese pie recipe?

SherbrookeFosterer · 20/02/2018 01:14

Never be pushed into an invitation you don't want to attend.

As your nuclear weapon, reply a day later "sorry, just got this!"

Obviously it can't be used every time! "Ill children" & "leaking boilers" are my conventional weapons.

SherbrookeFosterer · 20/02/2018 01:15

But write your excuse quickly, badly spelt with no punctuation, or you will be caught out.

Clandestino · 20/02/2018 05:02

She could simply be unsure about you as she's aware you had been friends long before they met- I don't mean it in terms of being suspicious about you having an affair, more a deep friendship.
As for going to see her family - I assume she will have plenty of family members around her who want to enjoy her baby as she is so far away and help her out too.
You sound pretty dismissive of her, looks like you didn't hit it off, just try to understand her too.

ellesbellesxxx · 20/02/2018 05:48

Shockshe said whaaat?
Nope no extra work for twins... no double the nappies, double the feeding time, double the night wakings... Hmm

I expect your friend was delighted to see you Flowers

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 20/02/2018 05:52

Was your friend not a bit Confused that his wife was upstairs for the first hour and a half? How rude!

It just sounds like she simply really, really doesn't like you. Don't go there again.

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 06:10

Not sure on this! Gut says she's socially awkward and comes across as snooty - which I thought even more when you said she was from a different culture and perhaps English isn't first language and tone is lost in translation?
It does sound like you have high standards of friendship- I hardly ever invite people over for lunch and don't forget as PP have said the cleaning and prep involved for her -whilst also managing a newborn and possibly on no sleep- and also having a vibe from you that you don't like her !!
You also should not be offended by the 30 day whatever shut down and if others went over - in those early days I wouldn't have wanted a friend of DH over who wasn't my friend tbh ! It's a hard time!
I'm sure she didn't mean anything about the twins - she made a faux pas (again language?) and let's face it you were already pissed off and looking for a reason to confirm your bad mood about the whole thing!
If you actually like your friend and want to remain friends how about trying to get to know her ? Reaching out as a fellow Mum who might be able to offer advice (especially if her family are overseas)
You might find she's not who you've decided she is
After all your friend loves her for a reason!

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 06:12

Also if she disappeared for that length of time can't u assume she was breastfeeding/ crying / covered in puke or poo? I can't imagine not saying to my friend is she ok or offering to go up and see if she's ok myself

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 06:22

time did tick on and I did wonder when it was due, but my life is quite busy and I just assumed it wasn’t yet born.
Honestly OP reading it over again you don't sound that good of a friend - if my good friend was expecting I'd at least have a vague idea of the due date and would be in touch around the time to enquire! You appear to think the onus is on him to keep you posted even tho he just had a baby and all the chaos that ensues ! You're not being very empathetic about it and actually sound like hard work - for example you list reasons you're good friends and all things you've done but you're not a good enough friend to keep track of at least a vague idea of his first kids due date and feel offended that you were not included !! Weird

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 20/02/2018 06:26

At 4 months old to be honest I wouldn't be treating people like they had a newborn and making hundreds of excuses for what, honestly and truly, is just rude behaviour. They delayed lunch for a photo shoot, the wife couldn't show her face for half the entire visit, and she said extremely rude comments about the easiness of having twins. That's not a newborn haze to be forgiven, it's just someone with shit manners.

rocketgirl22 · 20/02/2018 06:39

dh needs to revert back to lads beers if he wants to keep in contact with his old friend as this set up is no way going to work. She probably feels the same dread as you do.

Text them to say you can only stay for an hour or so, pop in, be nice, take something for the baby and never say yes again.

1ndig0 · 20/02/2018 06:51

OP are you one of those women who gets all territorial and neurotic when one of their "best men friends" gets a new girlfriend / wife / baby? Is this woman very beautiful or makes you insecure in some other way? What is it? It just sounds like you went there determined to find fault.

So what if she let the neighbours in to see her baby before you. They're only next door fgs - they can pop in on the spur of the moment. It's like that when you have a new baby - it's hard to make plans as you feel in a blur, but you might feel suddenly up to it. What a strange thing to take issue with.

The woman is tired and it's her first baby. Give her a break.

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 06:58

1ndig0 this ☝️

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 07:02

itsnice I disagree - 4 months can absolutely still be a haze if you're struggling ! OP doesn't say she bothered to ask her friend why or go up and see if she was ok - just used it to reconfirm her idea this woman is a bitch !!
Admittedly the photo shoot thing is weird ! I'd read it as them trying to stall and either suggest just a short tea time visit as less pressure or rescheduling
OP seems to take it all as a personal slight with no thought about what could be behind any of it!
The twins thing is stupid to be upset by! She doesn't know obviously and is also not speaking first language- hey she may have even been attempting a joke ? OP was just looking for any opportunity to reinforce her dislike of this woman she hasn't bothered to try and get to know

OuaisMaisBon · 20/02/2018 07:02

Could I just say, having been married to a Greek for a long time and still, to my shame, not speaking the language Blush, that I have found that Greeks who manage to speak English to me often come over as extremely abrupt, quite blunt, and sometimes rude. It used to put me out a great deal at first, but I know now that it is mostly cultural and stuff gets lost in translation, so I am grateful that they are kind enough to make the effort to speak to me in English! In my experience, Greeks don't use common courtesies such as "please" and "thank you" in the same way the English do and they also have a different attitude to time - meetings are very spontaneous and arrangements for get-togethers are made from one day to the next, if not one hour to the next. None of this advance planning for them! My husband didn't get that we needed to take more than 6 months after we got engaged to sort out the arrangements for our church wedding in the UK - friends of his in Greece got married a fortnight after we did, also in a church, having decided to get married only 6 weeks earlier!

extinctspecies · 20/02/2018 07:46

As this thread kept coming up on Trending I finally decided to read it.

Gosh OP, I think you are being harsh.

Poor woman - she's making an effort to host you - a long-standing friend of her DH - and all you can do is look for things to criticise in her attempts to offer you hospitality.

Do you easily take offence at everything?

expatmatt78 · 20/02/2018 08:05

Do you easily take offence at everything? Id say that was a yes!
I have good friends now where we laugh about things we said when we first met and our impression of each other

Tiredoftalking · 20/02/2018 08:34

My DS3 is 4 months old. I had a horrible pregnancy, emergency c-section after long labour, 2 x haemorrhage and 2 ds to be dealing with as well. All MY friends were invited round, house was a mess, they made the tea and brought the food and it was great. DP’s friends are just starting to be invited, I have to clean, cook and it is all more of an effort. The twins comment sounds bad but maybe she is just very defensive with you being a more experienced Mum.

morningconstitutional2017 · 20/02/2018 08:49

Go and smile, it might actually be much better than you dreaded. If not, then you're going to have to distance yourselves so that these invitations aren't repeated. Maybe you'd prefer to meet in a pub or restaurant in future. Or maybe not, in either case I'd try to let them down gently.

Ohfuckinghellwhatnow · 20/02/2018 10:12

There have been many occassions where an invite was a good idea at the time, but when it came to it I couldn't be arsed. I still went, and surprised myself by having a good time. However, having read this thread from beginning to end, I have reason to believe she's not that keen on you either and 'entertained' you out of courtesy to her husband, your friend. You can either avoid her in future and not take up any more invites OR you could invite them over to you next time and be super nice and welcoming and hope it's just the fact she takes time to get to know!

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