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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go for lunch

129 replies

Nibblertron · 18/02/2018 09:36

We are invited for lunch at a (sort of) friend’s house today, and I can’t think of anything I would less like to do. I just said to DH I’d rather poo-pick the garden and he agreed and said there’s a hole in the wall he'd prefer to concrete in.

I just can’t cry off though, it would be too rude. Got to go, get flowers and wine, grin and bear it. Bah!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nibblertron · 18/02/2018 09:59

I accepted the invitation because I know my friend will be very keen for us to meet baby, and we have been friends for a long time, (although not necessarily in contact frequently’.

Accepting the invite was the right thing to do, even though I knew I didn’t want to go then.

OP posts:
TheEagle · 18/02/2018 10:01

Well, it sounds like YANBU for not wanting to go.

Concentrate on your friend and the baby.

Who cares what she thinks of you anyway? You can’t control what people think of you.

Hellywelly10 · 18/02/2018 10:03

OK. So he's your friend and she isn't and she's a snob. You could give her one last chance today?

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2018 10:04

So you don't like his wife. In future decline.

SlackPanther · 18/02/2018 10:05

She REALLY thinks you are ‘beneath’ her? Why would she invite you if she didn’t want you to go?

Half the time when my friends say mutual friends look down on them it isn’t the case at all, just their insecurities or reverse snobbery.

Not saying this is the case for you, but are you sure you need to take what she does or says personally?

Nanna50 · 18/02/2018 10:05

Do you feel like you've had your nose pushed out? She's probably dreading it as much as you but she's probably too busy preparing to ask AIBU.

Knowing the background you were BU to accept the invite, I'm sure you will give off enough vibe for her to know that you don't want to be there.

Original poster
Nibblertron · 18/02/2018 10:07

Stop hanging out wifb them.

We def don’t do that Eagle Grin

They’ve been here for lunch a couple of times as they were househunting in area and it was a long day for them so of course I said come have lunch here. Twice does not constitute “hanging out with” Grin

Anyway, the first time I expected her to be nice!

OP posts:
TheEagle · 18/02/2018 10:08

It’s good news for you then that you don’t see them frequently.

RidingWindhorses · 18/02/2018 10:11

You an turn it into a giggle by totting up the snide remarks and posturing.

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 18/02/2018 10:11

When I had a 4-month old first baby, I wasn't entertaining anyone to lunch. She's probably gone to a lot of effort for you. Praise the baby, coo over it (even if you're not a baby person) and keep the visit short - they probably have sleepless nights and will appreciate it!

And if they are clearly struggling - muck in and help. But don't judge.

Assburgers · 18/02/2018 10:12

If she thinks you’re beneath her, take a REALLY rubbish dessert Grin

I’m trying to remember the working class desserts of my youth 🤔 something with tinned fruit. Really bad ice cream, and tinned fruit. The one with the cherries that are barely cherries. Go with that one.

Oldraver · 18/02/2018 10:18

Arctic Roll Grin

Assburgers · 18/02/2018 10:20

Oo yes, oldraver

And for the wine, lambrini.

TerracottaAmy · 18/02/2018 10:21

It’s a free meal and no washing up - that’s how me and DH get through things like this - seriously, stop accepting invitations for things you don’t want to do

BewareOfDragons · 18/02/2018 10:26

Go. For your friend. Don't let her isolate you from your friend who may need you in future.

DevilsDoorbell · 18/02/2018 10:27

Maybe she’s like that as she’s sensed you don’t like her.

Unless there’s a huge back story (in which case yabu for drip feeding) the poor woman has a new baby, she knows you don’t like her but tolerate her, she’s now forced to host you for the day /afternoon

How about trying to start anew. Take some flowers, nice cake (or similar) and pressie for the baby. Be nice, if you like the husband do it for him, if you want to continue the friendship with him, you have to make an effort with her. Who knows, you might become friends.

If she’s an absolute cow at least you know you’ve done everything you can.

DevilsDoorbell · 18/02/2018 10:28

Also house hunting is incredibly stressful. Be the bigger person and make the effort

Viviennemary · 18/02/2018 10:37

They might be sorry they asked you and felt obliged for some reason. till you say why you don't want to go it's pretty hard to give an opinion.

Snowman123 · 18/02/2018 10:43

^ Why accept the invite?

I'd hate to think that after I'd had the goodwill and made the effort to invite someone for lunch, they'd be making a post like this.

You sound awful.

Only1scoop · 18/02/2018 10:51

Not very kind
Op secretly used to fancy 'friend'WinkGrin

Bramble71 · 18/02/2018 11:08

I imagine she's sniffy to you and your partner because she feels threatened or insecure in some way. Either that or she is really is just a sad little madam.

Have you got gifts just for the bub and your friend? I hope so. Nothing for the not so new mother!

It'll be lovely for you to see your friend and his little baby, so go and enjoy their company, be polite to the cow in the room and don't sink to her level.

Hopefully it'll all be over quickly and you'll be back home to enjoy the rest of your day. I odn't think it's at all unreasonable that you don't want to go, though. I wouldn't either!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 18/02/2018 11:09

Op used to secretly fancy friend ha ha Grin

Try to be the bigger person OP. It helps to remember that people who come across as aloof or snotty are actually like that for reasons that are not you.
What I mean is, she's probably very insecure, shy or perhaps feels threatened by you for some reason or she's just socially awkward, had a fucked up childhood or finds it difficult to open up to people?

Concentrate on trying to find some common ground with her.

You canalways have an excuse to cut it short leaving plenty of time for you and dh to get home for poo picking, hole filling and so on.

Cheekyandfreaky · 18/02/2018 11:17

OP we have ‘obligation friends’ too, I think it’s because we are too polite (/not showing backbone). We often get invited by a certain couple for dinner/ brunch/ lunch etc and we turn down 2/3 invites and try to leave it ages before reciprocating (usually when they hint they would like to have us over). It’s always really hard to make conversation- we are so different and I’m sure we all feel uncomfortable but they keep doing this. The problem is they live very close to us, so if an invitation was rebuffed honestly (we don’t enjoy spending time together with you) it would be awkwardly awful (lots of overlaps: nursery, school, gym etc).

So we carry on and hate ourselves for it!

Original poster
Nibblertron · 18/02/2018 11:22

only1scoop Grin but def not!

Assburgers and Oldraver you have made me laugh! I am so tempted. We have already procured the obligatory flowers and wine. I might pop back for a orange stripy savers trifle Grin

To not want to go for lunch
OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 18/02/2018 11:28

What's the 90 day thing? Confused

I agree you should try and just enjoy seeing your friend and the baby, and be civil to the wife. Could you maybe have something very important you need to get back for at a certain time?