I can't stop crying I need a kick up the arse *sensitive*

[Christmastits]

So I've been given weekend leave from the hospital as of Saturday morning. I have to go back Monday morning.

I just can't stop crying. I've had a bath, and had a lovely lazy day with DH watching Harry Potter and eating whatever I fancied (not much stayed down but still), but I just can't stop crying.

It's never ending, it's been all day now, on and off all day. I'm crying because I'm relieved I'm not dead, I'm crying because I lost our baby in hospital and failed at keeping them safe, I'm crying because DH had to help me upstairs and into the bath, I've cried because DH was told I would probably die at some point during one of the god awful nights in January and I'm upset that he had to deal with that, I've cried because I have to go back on Monday, I've cried because my hair was so knotty after 5 weeks in hospital it took 4 hours of brushing it to get it all out and DH had to do most of that. I've also cried because I can't go back to work for months because I might be contagious to tiny babies.

Is this amount of crying normal? I know I'm a nurse but I usually deal with poorly babies and they don't remember being in hospital.

I can't sleep tonight and it's annoying me so much! I have a snoringDH next to me and a snoring Dog on my feet and I should be so happy I'm home but I can't stop crying.

Anyway aibu to ask you to gently kick me up the bum as I didn't die and don't need to cry so much!

I won't kick you up the bum, because you have every right to cry a river of tears after what you have been through. I will send you a cuddle instead.

You didn't fail your baby, you're not to blame for what has happened to you. You've been through a terrible trauma and you're still very fragile. Try to make sure you eat properly and sleep when you can, and let people support you.

for you, it will get better I promise xx

I suspect that crying is part of the healing process you are going through. Probably more mental than physical.
Relax and enjoy your time at home and cry as much as you need to

Oh, love! I am not the touchy-feely type but I really want to just hold & rock you right now! Nothing you did resulted in what happened to your baby. It was just one of those things - those absolutely shitty things that have no reason, but it wasn’t because of anything you did. Please, be kind to yourself and I hope that you recover soon

@Greensleeves thank you- I'm being a bit needy to DH but he's being amazing Christ this man deserves a medal! He said when I'm home properly he'll work from home when he can which is lovely.

@Surfingwhippet yes I think maybe I have to ride it out. I do feel better for crying it's just it feels like I may never stop!

I'm so glad your dh is being supportive - let him look after you. You need time to grieve and heal and you're still in shock x

BTW crying is v. therapeutic, cry it out!

you need time a friend to chat to and maybe a cup of it's great to hear your dh is so supportive.

You've made me cry. You get a kick up the bum for that as I bloody never cry!

You are so strong, and your DH sounds amazing.

It's times like these where you realise how much you have in just one person.

Keep crying if that's what you need to do. Cry, scream, shout whatever.

You poor thing. You cry as much as you like. What a terrible time you are having. I send you virtual hugs and kind wishes x

You didn't die, you are here to listen to DH and DDog snoring in contentment as having you home. Life moves forward and you will come through this, impossible though it may seem just now, but you will.

xxx

Thank you for making me feel more normal. It was like a wave of emotion just slapped me in the face when I got home.

The dog has lost weight though so that's positive! Apparently DH got a dog walker 2x a day for an hour each time to make sure he wasn't lonely or bored when DH was visiting me. Then my in laws took him to theirs at night and dropped him off again in the morning.. sounds like a military operation for an 8 year old dog! But he was getting a bit porky and now he's very svelte!

I think I'm going to relax into it. Just let it happen. DH is awake now and making brews for us both. Bad wife woke him up crying.

Yep, it’s normal.

I have been almost exactly where you are. Definitely been stuck in the hospital (two nasty chronic illnesses), and all I want to do is just get out and go home. And I’ve cried over some of the exact same things you’re crying over (I ccannot believe how knotty hair gets when you can’t brush it yourself). And woooow, did I not want to go back on Monday after I broke out for the weekend.

You’re not broken, you’re not weird, you’re not needy. You’re a completely overwhelmed human, and it happens to office workers, and freelance writers, and nurses, and teachers, and Royal Marines (these are in fact the only people I’ve seen it happen to, so I just assume it happens to everyone else, too).

My DH, much like your DH probably will, just grabbed a surfboard and rode the wave of my tears until they were done and if they started up again, he just took them as another completely normal symptom of my illness, not any more odd than a fever or chest pain.

Feel better, OP

Bad wife woke him up crying
And I bet he's bloody thankful that you were there to do it.

@Christmastits sweetie I am so sorry this is so awful for you.

Please just focus on putting one foot in front of the other and getting well again.

you're not a bad wife, your did the best you could for your baby, you were a good patient and you will be an even better nurse when you return.
don't believe the negative conversation in your head.
you're a strong woman.

It sounds like you've really been through alot and you deserve to cry! It will help, don't feel bad for it! Enjoy another nice day with your dh tomorrow, and just let him take care of you. Everything you have experienced is still so fresh and it will take time. xx

You and your dh sound like such lovely people . You're going through one of the most traumatic experiences life could throw at you, and he's there for you all the way, because he loves you so much - that doesn't sound like you're a bad wife to me xx

Please don’t feel guilty or bad about anything you need to do to cope, allow yourself to feel what you need to ❤️

I hope you’re enjoying your cuppa and cuddles. Your home is your safe place and it is totally normal for you to cry after all you’ve been through. Tears can be very healing and are like evidence of pain...as well as ways to ease or outlet some of that pain.

Bloody hell Christmas

Right then, you need to cut yourself some slack NOW. You’ve been through so much, it’s completely understandable that you’re crying.

You’ve been so strong so far, but none of us can be strong indefinitely. And you’re at breaking point. That is NOTHING to be ashamed of x

Let it all out. I cried non-stop for a week after an early miscarriage, and then daily afterwards for quite some time and you have been through so much more. You need lots of love and support, not a kick up the bum!

Sometimes, it’s when we get to a bit of niceness, a bit of familiarity and warmth and home that it comes over us like a f@ck off massive wave. You can’t stop it love, it just hits you, you’ve been through hell and it has to hit you sometime, and it’s chosen now to do it. You’re alright, it will stop, the tidal wave can’t hit forever. Ride it out and you’ll be one tidal wave further forwards. You’re getting through it. When the physical awfulness is over, and you have time to grieve, maybe after that, you could think about some therapy to help heal from the trauma of what hell hit you these last few months. It’s loss and trauma all mixed up together and you need to heal your heart and mind, as well as your body.

You’re not being silly. You’re doing what you should be right now, however horrible now is.

Christmastits I cried just reading your post, I can't imagine living it. Cry all you need and allow yourself tons of pampering, love and support.

Oh, love. You don't need a kick up the backside. You need gentle squishy hugs. You're only human. I think a good cry is something you really need the change to do. You've been very ill. And you've lost your baby. And you've had to face your own mortality. And you still feel crap. And you're a nurse, so you're used to being the one caring for others, not the one needing the care. That's a metric fuckton of crap to deal with. And I suspect you've been to ill to have the chance to grieve, haven't you?

And I bet there was at least part of you thinking "If I can just get home, it'll be all fine, and back to normal", because that's both the absolutely normal human thing to think/feel, and also total crap. Because you have healing still to do. And you have grieving still to do. And you have processing still to do.

Don't worry that you woke your husband up. He will have been feeling helpless, and hopeless, and useless. And now he isn't. Because now he can be next to you, and he can wake when you wake, and hold you, and make you a cup of tea. Having feared he might never get to do that for you again. He'd probably give his right nut to be able to go back in time and tell himself "hang in, soon she'll be waking you in the night, and needing a cuppa".

Do not blame yourself for being human. Oh, and it sounds like your DH is a good chap. Don't be surprised if at some point he needs to be the one who has a cry, and needs a shoulder and a cup of tea.

Thank you all. DH made a brew and some biscuits, he's put the goblet of fire on tv as it's my favourite film and he's fallen asleep. He said we'll keep the light on tonight and I feel a lot better. I can feel myself relaxing.

I'm not sure if any of you have read my other thread but the reason I was in hospital wasn't because I had a miscarriage, I had pneumonia that turned out to also be a collapsed lung and empyema (pus in the lung) so had a chest drain and was very nearly vented for a while, I had the miscarriage because of the overwhelming infection, just stopped 5 weeks of IV antibiotics onto oral and I'm off the oxygen now which is amazing frankly.

I think reading that back I need to give myself a break. My husband is amazing though