Bloody dh, aibu?

[FlopsyMcDoodle]

Staying with my dm at the moment - 2 dc’s 5yo and 2yo, both obsessed with trains. My dm doesn’t really have any kids stuff around and her house is very much an adults house - lots of ornaments, breakables, lovely furniture, generally just fairly stressful with 2 young dc.

She dug ou a few toys that my siblings and I had left - dolls house, bit of brio and my dbro’s old electric trainset. Dc2 has been loving the trains from the electric trainset but keeps getting cross because they don’t connect properly. They’re only really designed to stay together on the proper track which is too fiddly for dc2. He kept getting cross so I said I’d put it away and get it out again when he’s older. I haven’t seen it for a couple of days so assumed either dh or dm had put it back in the loft. Dm asked me where it was today, I said I didn’t know, dh said ‘oh I threw it in the bin.’ Dm then went rummaging through the bins but bins collected yesterday and looks like they’re gone .

Dh hasn’t apologised and doesn’t see what the problem is. He thinks it’s just junk so he threw it away. Dm is upset but wouldn’t say anything. Aibu to think dh has been really fucking rude? You don’t just chuck away other people’s stuff because it’s annoying your kid. I’m bloody mortified and think he needs to apologise and replace it.

[FlopsyMcDoodle]

Is that possible death? Did you find your stuff? I’ll try and give council a call tomorrow.

Dh read the first page and yes, as expected you’re all a bunch of man hating harpies. Apparently if I’d said dh has just got me a bunch of flowers and a diamond necklace you’d say exactly the same thing.

Also he hasn’t done anything wrong because if my dm was upset she would have said something. But she wouldn’t because she doesn’t want any awkwardness, we live 300 miles away and don’t see her as much as she’d like so she just keeps quiet. But I’m so upset for her.

[TheQuestingVole]

How incredibly thoughtless and arrogant to do that in the first place, and how utterly graceless not to acknowledge he is in the wrong. Is he normally this charmless?

Your mum should chuck him out and refuse to have him back in her home unless he apologises and promises never to do such a thing again.

[TheSassyAssassin]

Flopsy your DH wins Olympic Gold in the Tossiest of Tossers event. He really is an absolute arse!

[DeathStare]

Is that possible death? Did you find your stuff? I’ll try and give council a call tomorrow

Some of it was found - yes. Including old photos. I'd just turn up at the landfill to be honest. I suspect if we'd rung up the official line might have been "no". We just went down and the men down there were very nice. We told them what day the bin collection had been and they showed us the area being used that day.

By the way, in my family the "throwing away" was a mix up between a man and a woman. It was no one person's fault. The man is not the sensitive, touchy feely type at all. It was he who led the trip to the landfill.

This isn't a men vs women issue. It's a nice people vs selfish bastards issue.

[diddl]

He's in someone elses house & threw some of their stuff away because...???

He could just have put it out of sight of the kids.

So he thinks it would be OK for your mum to come to your house & throw his stuff away?

[ObscuredbyFog]

Invite your Mum to your place and get her to throw something of his that he really values in the bin, like his iphone or computer or games console, guitar, racing bike, fishing tackle, car keys, you know, anything he'd miss.

Then maybe he'd have some clue.

Seriously, that's a major personality deficit and moral abberation thinking you can visit someone's house and throw any of their possessions away and no-one would mind.

He needs to source replacaments asap and apologise and eat crow for months.

[DeathStare]

And seriously, if he refused to go down to the landfill and look, or had any sort of attitude about it or needed persuading then I seriously would LTB.

And I have never said LTB on here before.

[FlopsyMcDoodle]

Nope, no aspergers or anything. He just doesn’t get attached to ‘stuff’. I’m going to do a typical infuriating BUT now BUT he is usually a decent husband and dad. He just refuses to admit when he’s wrong and I hate being stuck in the middle between him and my dm.

I just don’t understand how hard it is to say ‘sorry, I fucked up. I genuinely didn’t realise it wold upset you.’ I don’t like the thought of my dm thinking dh is a bit of a dick. Which she probably now does.

[diddl]

" and don’t see her as much as she’d like so she just keeps quiet."

Why-do you have to get the arsehole's permission to visit?

[AlexaAmbidextra]

What an arrogant, selfish fucker he is. I'd be sorely tempted to take some item of his that he's attached to and completely destroy it.

[KateGrey]

I’d go to the landfill. I’d say make him go but given his response he’s a selfish, nasty twat. What’s he like in general?

[rainbownights]

Sarahjconnor Just the left shoes. He kept the track.

Of course your mum thinks he's a dick OP, he is. And the "oh she would have said something if she was upset" crap is in the same vein. He has something not quite right about him.

[ObscuredbyFog]

@robertaplumkin

Does he have Aspergers....?

Why does every violent or tossy behaviour described on MN have to have an allegation the perp could be autistic?
It's getting very tiresome and disablist to see that trotted out so often.

[FlopsyMcDoodle]

I don’t need to get his permission to visit. It’s just tricky as dc1 is at school now and it’s a 6 hour drive each way. Dm isn’t too confident driving anymore so doesn’t come to see us as often as she used to.

[Coolaschmoola]

My very manly DH thinks your DH is a twat.

[diddl]

"He just doesn’t get attached to ‘stuff’."

Doesn't matter-it wasn't his stuff.

It wasn't the kids, or even anything in his house!

[rainbownights]

I would never advocate throwing someone else's stuff away , lowering myself to his level, but I think you would be fully justified to give him no, or token, gifts for birthday and Christmases until he understands what it is like to have something taken away.

Go to the tip OP. If your husband thinks you are mad and doesn't offer to help, then he's a coldhearted tosser.

[BringMeTea]

That is shocking. I think it would permanently alter my view of him. Not in a good way. Your poor mum.

[Quartz2208]

Yes this isn’t a male/female thing at all it’s just common decency you don’t do that to other people stuff

[icelollycraving]

My dh is very detached emotionally and frankly lacks empathy at the best of times so I do understand dealing with a —fuckwit— a complex man.
This was something your dm has treasured for 30 years and wasn’t his to throw away. How would he feel if his dil or sil did this with something you have treasured in years to come.
He’s an utter shit. Him asking you to stop banging on is because he’s choosing not to appreciate how bad and hurtful he’s been.
for your dm.

[FlopsyMcDoodle]

That would make no difference unfortunately rainbow - he’s really just not interested in ‘stuff’.

He’s not listening to me, refusing to accept he’s done anything wrong at all. If I try to bring it up again it will be because I want an argument. I’m just thoroughly fucked off with him and want him to apologise to my dm.

[NerdyBird]

He's a dickhead. According to my unsentimental DH. So yeah, your mum probably thinks he is too. Sorry you're stuck in the middle.

[Cambionome]

Sorry, but there is something wrong with the way he is dealing/not dealing with someone else's feelings and emotions here.

When you say he doesn't have aspergers, are you sure?