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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get so angry I smashed crockery?

111 replies

Ultrasonica · 16/02/2018 21:32

Name changed for this. DH unilaterally decides to play "professional" poker instead of getting a job to pay me back the £250k he owes me. He wants to turn it into a loan instead. We've been backwards and forwards on trying to find to an agreement for weeks. He had no idea how angry I was as I have been trying to discuss it all calmly. I lost it just now and smashed a lot of crockery. AIBU?

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 16/02/2018 22:41

They aren’t married! The op stated that in her second post.

Anyway OP, as others have said be nice to him until he signs over the whole house/mortgage to you. Then sell the house and LTB.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/02/2018 22:46

Has this man any experience of playing poker successfully, or is he just a gambling addict? I have heard (though I don't know how to play cards myself) that poker is the one card game where skill does count enough for those who have the skills to be able to make good or at least reasonable money.

Mind you, that doesn't mean he gets to sit pretty in a house you have paid for, indefinitely. I agree with PP, get it all signed and sealed them chuck him out, block all contact with him, sell that house and move on.

butterfly56 · 16/02/2018 22:48

Yep he's definitely demonstrated that he's taking the piss!
The one good thing is that you used your savings to renovate your house rather than him gambling it away.
Get the house signed over asap and the sell it!
Buy something more suitable for yourself and don't be so trusting in future.

SimonBridges · 16/02/2018 22:49

Who actually owns the house? If you bought it cash then I’m guessing it’s you.
Ditch him, sell the house, buy somewhere smaller and run the business on what’s left.

Oh sorry - just saw you’re married. Then isn’t it shared money anyway?
I’ve been married for years. We both have our own money.

SimonBridges · 16/02/2018 22:50

those who have the skills to be able to make good or at least reasonable money.

Victoria Coren Mitchell has made literally millions playing poker.

BewareOfDragons · 16/02/2018 22:57

You need to get the house into your sole name as quickly as possible.

UpstartCrow · 16/02/2018 23:02

Get the house in your name, cut your losses, sell it and ditch the cocklodger. He will bleed you dry.

Inertia · 16/02/2018 23:11

Did he not get a redundancy payout?

You should get the house in your name immediately.

You could think about getting lodgers in if you decide to separate.

DreamyMcDreamy · 16/02/2018 23:14

Smashing c rockery is good for your sole - perfectly acceptable

I'd be furious. It isn't the point that the house is yours; you never planned to sink that much capital into it. He'd be moving out.

Just two without reading all 4 pages.

Jaysus.

No way is he in the right for sinking a 1/4 of a million, but would this thread really have garnered "LTB" (as in kick her out) and smashing crockery is good for the soul if it was the wife doing the plate throwing and smashing?!
The double standards on here do my head in.

mumspice · 16/02/2018 23:17

DreamyMcDreamy It was the wife doing the smashing Confused

DreamyMcDreamy · 16/02/2018 23:26

damn, should really proof read! Meant the husband doing the smashing!

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 16/02/2018 23:38

You have been way too trusting putting the house in joint names that you have bought and paid for, dangerous situation for you financially if you have increased the value with the renovations. If I was you I would pretend to be totally ok with him being a professional poker player, support him all the way then get him to sign over the house to you and then kick his sorry ass out.

milliemolliemou · 16/02/2018 23:45

OP go and see a solicitor and ask their advice. It's been a bit of a drip feed but I understand

  • you and DP are not married
  • you could only get a mortgage on the house which you've taken in joint names because he then had a permanent job
  • he lost the job
  • you've sunk your own £250,000 into doing it up
  • He shows no signs of getting another job but is playing online poker
  • you are hoping to start a business but now have no funds
  • you had no written agreement about the £250,000 but think he was going to repay you (why? if it was a joint property) but now he wants to turn it into a loan (why?)

Stop smashing crockery though it's understandable. Get all the evidence you paid for the £250000 improvements and presumably latterly the mortgage and go to a solicitor ASAP.

Domino20 · 16/02/2018 23:52

Transfer into your name and borrow against the house? You don't need to sell it to raise capital from it.

GreenTulips · 17/02/2018 00:30

Meant the husband doing the smashing!

Smashing plates is very therapeutic reguardless of whether you have a penis or a vagina - you should try it

Original poster
Ultrasonica · 17/02/2018 00:56

WineAndTiramisu*

Bluntness100 because then she'd be paying it back, and her DP would be paying nothing...

I'd leave him, sell the house, buy one for 250k, and use the rest for your business?

I'm certainly leaning towards that decision ATM.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ultrasonica · 17/02/2018 01:04

milliemolliemou

Thank you.

We do have evidence of the £250k. He signed a mortgage deed to me witnessed by a solicitor friend.

Same friend also drew up the docs to transfer the house into my sole name.

I won't lose my £250k I just can't get access to it and business loans are expensive.

But I can easily find a house for under £250k. Just a shame to have to move after spending months renovating because he wont get a proper job.

OP posts:
RemainOptimistic · 17/02/2018 07:14

OP what do you earn? Just get the mortgage yourself. Have you even been to an independent mortgage adviser?

Banks are worse than useless for non standard set ups or low incomes. You need a good adviser. It's worth the commission.

EmyRoo · 17/02/2018 08:27

When I was getting divorced, both parties had to declare assets and debts accumulated within the marriage. Maybe it depends on the jurisdiction but the principle is a 50/50 split (valued at the date of separation) where I am.

EmyRoo · 17/02/2018 08:27

Sorry, that is nothing to do with the OP

Original poster
Ultrasonica · 17/02/2018 09:04

RemainOptimistic

I earn £10k a year freelancing, not secure enough to get a mortgage.

OP posts:
EmyRoo · 17/02/2018 09:14

So you had a lump sum which went into the house; your DP was going to secure a mortgage for you to expand your business, but he lost his job and now cannot secure a mortgage unless he gets another similar one.
He used to earn 80k a year, you earn 10k.

The answer is to sell the house neither of you can afford independently (once you have it signed back to you) and buy a house you can afford independently (mortgage free), and then both live to your respective means?

jay55 · 17/02/2018 09:45

Kick him out and get a lodger. 10k is not a lot of money a year but with no rent/mortgage to pay it’s not so bad and I imagine it could increase in time.

lurkingnotlurking · 17/02/2018 09:50

At least if you sell up and move on you won't have to be in a relationship with some idiot whose grand plan is to be a professional poker player.

DreamyMcDreamy · 17/02/2018 09:57

Smashing plates is very therapeutic reguardless of whether you have a penis or a vagina - you should try it

Maybe so, I bet it isSmile
I can bet if it was the DH posting to say was he BU to start smashing up the crockery, he'd have got the exact same responses as the OP. Oh, wait...