Does your school do this?

[Tantrumschmantrum]

Was chatting with a parent the other day who was expressing their concern about thier DCs behaviour at school. They were saying how the school had phoned them as lets call them 'Kim' had been naughty and had been mean to other children and had even hit another child. Then I saw some smiley face stickers on Kims top which Kim apparently got for being good. Kim also got star of the week very recently.

I've not had any calls about bad behaviour from my DC lets call them Pat. Pat rarely has smiley face stickers and hasn't had star of the week.

The private nursery Pat goes to are always telling me Pat is a very helpful kind child. Why then is Pat not getting stickers and certificates? I'm told by teacher friend that this sort of thing happens a lot and is just to give children such as Kim incentives to be good, but children like Pat who are already behaving don't get rewarded. AIBU or is this a bit crap?!

Are Kim and Pat at the same school/nursery? Because it sounds like they're not.

And if they're not then the answer is simple - because the different schools have different behaviour strategies.

They are

Perhaps it's simply because (as per thread title) Kim is at school -primary presumably - and Pat is at nursery and different settings do things differently.

(Not quite answering question of title because I think what my current schools do is irrelevant, as my DC are at secondaries)

To clarify both Kim and Pat are in preschool together. The pro ate nursery is the wrap around bit. Same teachers.

Yup. I had 2 dd's both praised for kindness and hard work at parents evening, rarely get stickers or rewards. The child that bullied them however got stickers for not breaking things or hurting anyone or if he managed not to disrupt a lesson ! I complained and was told he needed it more !
He has now been expelled from 2ndry school and arrested multiple times.
So stickers really worked then ?

*private nursery

Why don't you ask the teachers?

I don't want to be that parent that kicks up a fuss. I know Pats a good kid. Just curious if this happens a lot elsewhere?

I wouldn’t worry too much. Long term your child will reap lots of rewards

It does happen and it isn't fair. But it's a difficult balancing act for teachers when some children need an active programme of reward/sanction to manage their behaviour, while others just tick along behaving well and doing as they are asked. I try to make a point of "catching" all of the children doing something praiseworthy so that nobody feels undervalued, but it's not an easy balance to strike.

As a teacher, I understand, but let me try to explain. Kim finds adhering to the behavioural expectations at school very difficult, usually for a reason which isn't anyone else's business. Kim shouts out, pushes, shoves, annoys people, has meltdowns. Is always "in trouble". Kim gets lots of praise when they conform to expected behaviour, and probably gets lots of stickers. Pat, on the other hand, conforms easily, doesn't have any behavioural issues, and is one 9f those children I'm grateful to have in my class. Pat possibly could do with more visible forms 9f praise, like stickers and certificates, but often we forget.
Having two Pats at home, and a classful of Kims, I do understand your frustration. You can tell Pat how wonderful they are, and bring it up with their teacher at parent's consultation evening.

Many schools do this.

It's the usual, make a fuss when difficult kid does sonething you'd like them to repeat but let the generally OK kids get on with it because they are less in need of the positive reinforcement.

It sucks and isn't fair on the OK kids but they need to learn that you don't just help someone for a sticker and tbh if the difficult kid getting stickers means he doesn't hit my kids them actually I'm OK with that.

Then again I hate the reward chart/sticker nonsense anyway. Even when done fairly (hint, it rarely is) it actually undermines positive behaviour because it ends up being about kids getting rewards for something soneone else has decided they should do. There is no ownership and no teaching that actually you can't hit people. It's not "good" behaviour when you don't hit them, it is the minimum standard.

I’m torn on this one.

Stickers are given out as rewards when a child does something that is good for them. Therefore a child like Pat will not get a sticker for sitting nicely because it isn’t something they struggle to do on a daily basis. For a child like Kim, he/she needs that recognition when they achieve something another child wouldn’t bat an eyelid at doing.

However, as a teacher I kept a detailed list of who had received star of the week and no one got it twice until everyone had had it once. And stickers were kept on sticker charts that I also tried to keep roughly even. It’s rather lazy when teachers don’t even attempt to even out rewards and acknowledge the quiet achievers.

They all get star of the week at least once - until year 4 or so when they cotton on.

For some children a sticker at short intervals really helps them focus and behave, though only after trying it will you find out which ones it didn't work for.

My first child got lots of rewards at school when he did well. He found things more difficult than other children as he has autism.

My second child does not have autism and has no behaviour issues and I don't remember him getting many rewards - but I suppose the reward for him (and me) was that he had a more stress free time at school because he didn't have any issues.

Yeah, it happens and it's shit!

I remember one year my DDs school report stated that her behaviour was "exemplary" and that she "always worked hard" and "tried her best". Although not top of the class, she was on top table, so was achieving above average grades too. Yet that same year, she didn't get a single certificate for her behaviour or hard work. (Her school gave out weekly certificates for behaviour/ hard work / literacy / numeracy).

Yet I sat in assembly week after week and saw the 'naughty kids' get them time and time again for hard work and improved effort.

Crap, but there goes...

hidengosqueak well they should just give up then? sometimes positive behaviour support doesn’t work does that mean we should write children off?
tantrum your kid may not get many stickers but more than likely they will have all the opportunities and successes life can offer. Be happy he doesn’t need the stickers.

Well at my secondary school the naughty kids were taken ice skating/to the cinema every month if they hadn’t truanted for the whole month.... the good kids got nothing.

It’s all about targets.

Yup

"X got 8 stars this week"

For not being an utter PITA.

"Y got no stars" for never being a PITA

My dd has been called a 'model' pupil by successive teachers and gets perfect school reports. But she never gets stickers, awards, treats because they are apparently reserved for the little shits who disrupt her learning on a daily basis. If they manage to control themselves for one lesson, it's a big deal. She's now old enough (9) to sit and roll her eyes and think 'I do that every day what's the big deal?'

If a child finds being “good” easy, why should they get a sticker for it? You should get stickers for doing things you find difficult.

DC quickly understand how these waste of time systems work. The naughty kids need coaxing to be good. The star of the week goes round the class everyone gets a turn. Best thing is to motivate your DC without these carrots and sticks, much better life lessons.

Not exactly the teacher's perspective but similar: I have twins, one always well behaved, the other not so much. I do reward chart for good behaviour, aimed at DT2 but still for the two of them, and it is a fine balancing act between being fair but also making it encouraging for DT2 ie DT1 won't get one every single day. Very hard to do the right thing.

I think I'm quickly learning that I should be relieved Pat doesn't get many stickers maybe I will have to give the rewards and praise at home!

My eldest DD struggles at school for various reasons. She often has reward charts, stickers etc. She gets more of the TA's time than other children and extra attention and praise in small group work. It probably looks quite unfair from the outside.
My youngest daughter finds school pretty easy, achieves well and behaves beautifully. She occassionally gets a sticker.
Believe me having a child like my youngest is an awful lot easier than a child that needs to be helped and guided through every small step. The stickers help make that process marginally less painful.
Don't be jealous of the stickers. Be grateful your child is doing well without needing all the extra help and support.