Does your school do this?

[Tantrumschmantrum]

Was chatting with a parent the other day who was expressing their concern about thier DCs behaviour at school. They were saying how the school had phoned them as lets call them 'Kim' had been naughty and had been mean to other children and had even hit another child. Then I saw some smiley face stickers on Kims top which Kim apparently got for being good. Kim also got star of the week very recently.

I've not had any calls about bad behaviour from my DC lets call them Pat. Pat rarely has smiley face stickers and hasn't had star of the week.

The private nursery Pat goes to are always telling me Pat is a very helpful kind child. Why then is Pat not getting stickers and certificates? I'm told by teacher friend that this sort of thing happens a lot and is just to give children such as Kim incentives to be good, but children like Pat who are already behaving don't get rewarded. AIBU or is this a bit crap?!

Dd1 worked it out in the first term. She told me: If I want to get more stickers then I have to be naughty in the morning and then I get stickers in the afternoon for not being naughty.
It took dd2 until the second term to comment "you don't get star of te week for what you're good at, you get it for not being quite so bad at what you're bad at."

Ds who was in the naughty category hated (and still does) stickers to a point he thought being given them was a punishment and thought certificates were a waste of time .

Be careful what you wish for. I have two Kim's. I would have cheerfully exchanged their stickers for a happy child who walks into school cheerfully and who has friends.

One of the problems with the rewards systems is that they tend to be generic and do not always motivate the child whose behaviour needs to improve. ds1's school currently uses a house-point linked to gift tokens at the end of the term. It does not work for him because he is not motivated AT ALL by money. Likewise, ds2 didn't like golden time (would rather be having a maths lesson) so actually the teacher would have done better with bribing him with extra sums rather than free time!

Every child will get the star of the week at some point. When in the year is up to the teacher. Stickers are incentives. I would prefer a teacher doing that for a child who isn't behaving well, than them not doing anything at all and my own child being hit by them.

Most parents expect their own child to be praised for trying to do the things they find difficult irrespective of how easy the others find it. If your dc found maths hard and tried really hard on a question another child would find easy, would you still expect their effort and success to be celebrated? They could have worked harder to get the LA task right than a child doing the HA task did. There no one is surprised that the teacher praises according to effort not outcome because it would be really disheartening to not give stickers etc to a child with a low level in maths who was trying hard just because others had better results overall. But when it’s (someone else’s) child who finds behaviour difficult suddenly everyone thinks that only the highest achieving children deserve praise rather than the low achieving children deserve nothing even when they’re trying hard.

Part of good teaching is teaching the children to do the things they find hard. There’s no point praising a child for standing in line sensibly if they find good behaviour easy. It’s much more meaningful if you praise them for doing the things they find hard, otherwise the praise becomes a bit meaningless if they get it for things which require no effort.

Schools are often shit for this.

Praise at home

Eldest is 13 and this has only been a problem in reception. She was quiet and well behaved and was ignored all year. From year 1 onwards and always for dd2 it's been much better managed, including at secondary which is strict but good at acknowledging good behaviour from all imo.

Wow, all these snide remarks about kids being helped by the teachers with stickers, etc.

Your kids reward is that they don't have the issues the these kids do, there is no bigger reward. Do you really think that parents of the kids who struggle would rather have stickers and certificates compared to having a kid who sails through life with minimum fuss?

Welcome to school life. One rule for one and one for another.

If you think your child is not receiving enough praise for their efforts then talk to the school. There is no need to concern yourself with the behaviour strategies used for other children.

Yes it happens at ours too. Sticker chart for lining up nicely when all the others do willingly etc but the teachers do work very hard to reward children who are quiet and work hard too - I don't feel like they're just fire fighting with the ones who have behavioural issues.

My childs old school did this their new school doesnt, It rewards everyone that is well behaved. Its a much better school.

My ds was one of the children being rewarded with stickers for small victories, like sitting on the carpet. Eventually, in year 5, been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD.

Do you still wish your child had more stickers like mine did? Do you think your child should have been treated the same as my ds? Don't you think that children with severe and complex additional needs might need different ways of being supported than other children?

One size does not fit all, and parents need to realise that. You know nothing about these children and their struggles.

The people on here calling small children 'little shits' are horrid human beings with no empathy for others or compassion for troubled children. All cos you are jealous of a few stickers.

Get a grip

DDs School does reward for general good behaviour particularly in the younger primary years. Dd has a good attitude and was always coming home with stickers when she was smaller. She’s in the upper primary years now so this has largely stopped.

But you are right about the more disruptive children getting awards. One child in dds year is absolutely horrible to his mother and although he is far less violent than before, he is still quick to temper and was awarded the school’s most coveted award. It’s handed out every half term and shared between approx 130 children. I think for him it was a very good thing and it would have been nice had it been a turning point for him vis a vis his mother but I imagine it’s far too little to have a lasting impact. I have a lot of compassion for him, his father is a violent, aggressive arsehole, who physically and mentally abused the her before she fled with the children.

I absolutely think my dd could win this award but is overlooked, which is very easy under the circumstances as there are far too many children to choose from. Due to the nature of the award, she is a perfect candidate and I’m sure many other children are too. Personally I think this award is more of a headache for school staff than anything else.

I don’t think there is any solution to this problem. And I think many parents could get upset with the situation but it’s a very difficult line for the school to tow. My friend went and spoke to the teacher once about her dd not getting a certificate and how she desperately wanted one. Hey, presto it appeared a week later. So perhaps you could also do this for your Dc.

However, bottom line, the most empowering people are the child’s own primary care givers. After a particularly difficult year in yr1, I took control of the situation and now make sure dd gets enough validation through out of school activities. I appreciate your dc is too young for much of this yet. But his time will come.

I still think every child should be recognised for good behaviour whoops, Its not about what I think its about what my child thinks and how they feel, When a child is going around repeatedly getting detention all week hurting others and then wearing a special badge for having outstanding behaviour and a role model of the school, and my child is sad they havent got one after showing they are a very good pupil. I think their feelings are very valid especially as she had to wait for two years and her reports always stated she was the 'the perfect pupil'
The badge didnt mean anything to me it meant something to my kid.
EVERY childs feelings count.
Thankfully my childrens new school recognises every pupil so they all feel like they achieve which is important.

This has been so since time immemorial. It was merit slips back in my day.

This has made me smile....a relative post pics of her daughter's certificates on FB....along with the 'can't believe how well she is doing , my is achieving so much'
We now know she is the class Pita

Unfort happens everywhere and unfort can get worse. Extra incentives like being offered places in sports teams and other special things in our school. I get teachers need incentives as options but unfort sucks for the good kids who miss out. It’s life though. I just talk to my kids about it. Real life is not balanced and schools can’t be either.

Yep. Same here. And special incentives. And lots of praise and clapping/thumbs up to collecting parent when they’ve had a ‘great day’. Then my DC tell me the same child has kicked/punched/sworn at them that day.

Meanwhile the rest of the class rarely get stickers or treats.

It’s similar to that is ds’ school. He is well behaved high achiever (also has Sen so writing level is low but maths and reading high) and gets very little in terms of reward.

When you are experienced at the school gate, you don't want to be the oarent if a child who gets lots of stickers.

In our school it was the naughty kids who got stickers and rewards to help them 'modify' their behaviour. My (well behaved) kids soon realised this and didn't want the 'teachers weekly golden award' etc. as they saw it as a bit insulting because as it was received by kids who were struggling academically or with their behaviour and needed extra motivation.

This is impossible for a preschool child to understand though and I'd speak to the school.