Does your school do this?

[Tantrumschmantrum]

Was chatting with a parent the other day who was expressing their concern about thier DCs behaviour at school. They were saying how the school had phoned them as lets call them 'Kim' had been naughty and had been mean to other children and had even hit another child. Then I saw some smiley face stickers on Kims top which Kim apparently got for being good. Kim also got star of the week very recently.

I've not had any calls about bad behaviour from my DC lets call them Pat. Pat rarely has smiley face stickers and hasn't had star of the week.

The private nursery Pat goes to are always telling me Pat is a very helpful kind child. Why then is Pat not getting stickers and certificates? I'm told by teacher friend that this sort of thing happens a lot and is just to give children such as Kim incentives to be good, but children like Pat who are already behaving don't get rewarded. AIBU or is this a bit crap?!

"Honey some children don't behave like you, they are not as good at subjects as you are - they need more encouragement - you have us telling you how good you are, you have grampy praising you to everybody, you get pocket money from grandma for getting your spellings right, we always go out places or watch a special film because we are proud of you and how much effort you put in, you know we notice.

Some children don't have that, some find it harder to behave well, some find the spellings too hard to do - some often don't have people telling them how good they are, they don't get many rewards just for trying hard - some simply get more stickers because they need them. You don't need them."

A rough remembering of our conversation with DD 12 years ago.

I agree with Mummyoflittledragons
My DS is currently being assessed after years of being moved around different agencies He's in year 4 now, and the struggle has been relentless. It's suspected he has ASD, I'll be blown away if he doesn't get a diagnosis.
Thank goodness the school has been fantastic. They give him stickers galore, he has therapy sessions provided by them, a now and next board, sound defenders, access to the 'Rainbow room', free use of the breakfast club(as its a quieter time to arrive)

The parents on the other hand... well, I'm grateful that they have only had the fact that he gets computer time filtered back to them, and all of the above. They were furious about that to the point that they 'nominated' one of the mums to 'have a word' with the source of the problem, me.
She came to me just before Christmas and informed me that they have had enough of the naughty children getting rewarded, and that I ought to speak to the teacher about having DS's 'privileges' taken away. Suggested ways I could discipline and improve the overall behaviour. T'was awkward, and I cried when I was alone too.

Thankfully, most of their children are lovely toward my son.
So, all the posters on here, saying that the kids are little shits, you seriously think this? What do you suggest children such as mine, and Mummyoflittledragons deserves?

I've had the behaviour support team in for kids previously. Their first suggestion? Positive strategies, reward jars you record every positive thing they do in, personalised treats. I think generally, teachers do their best with very limited powers. Once kids work out that there isn't much you can do when they misbehave, often the only thing you can do is bribe them to toe the line. And yes, it would be nice to be able to recognise all the good things the other kids do, it with no TA and thirty five children in the class, time is a very precious commodity. I do try to make sure everyone gets a certificate for something, but as PP have said, certificates and rewards are for the above and beyond. For one kid that might be controlling their temper enough to tell a teacher when they think someone has wronged them, rather than punching them. That may well be a huge achievement for them because they do find it hard. For another, who finds basic behaviour and social skills easy, it might be doing a research project without being asked or going out of their way to support other children. Equality doesn't always mean treating everyone exactly the same, because not everyone is starting from the same place.

My GS used to get lots of stickers and rewards. We honestly thought it was because he was a good boy.

Then we found out he was not so good, hence so many stickers and rewards when he was good.

He is now age 8, and doesn't need the rewards anymore. In fact he is one of the few children that the teacher puts the more unruly kids with to encourage good behaviour.

So I do think that the rewards work.

Oops huge apology to Mummyoflittledragons and Whoopsiveovershared*
I've mixed up the posters with the posts. I was in fact to meant to mention Whoopsiveovershared So, I in fact agree with them, rather than Mummy

My dd school was like that and the school I worked in wasn't like that. It's hard because the naughty kids get all the praise. I went to a seminar about this and it was fantastic

Yep. Ours get bronze/silver/gold/platinum awards as they accumulate stickers.
DS “a dream to teach” rarely makes it past bronze
Some of the “difficult” children in the year are on platinum already

However, DS gets regular praise and rewards and encouragement at home. And has parents who take an interest in him and his school work. So not sure he “needs” the stickers as much as children who are really struggling at school
Learning carries its own rewards for him, and he has had his eye on getting to university since he was two (funny little sausage) so is self motivated.

It’s a very tricky one. Must be hard to get the balance right as a teacher

@MiaowTheCat I'd ask the teacher what your dc needs to do to get star of the week if i were you.

SouthernNorthernGirl

Perhaps my post wasn’t clear, so apologies for that. Dd is NT and works hard in class. The bit about her being a good candidate for the most coveted award is because the award I spoke of is an award for being a role model, not in terms of achievement but in character. IE kind, considerate and caring of others - work ethic, I imagine, also comes in to it. And I totally agree that your ds should get recognition and awards, which is what I was saying about dds classmate.

I’m sorry that your ds has gone through such a difficult time. He definitely deserves the best as does every child. Some parents can be horrible. The boy, who got the award was the talk of the playground. Some parents even forbade their children from playing with him on school property. I reported what I heard to the teacher at the time and refused to participate in the gossip.

Dd was also on the receiving end of parental gossiping. The teacher told me they couldn’t act as it was not on school grounds. If the parents gossip about your ds in the playground, IE on School property, I therefore think you can absolutely talk to the school about this and ask them to intervene. It is unacceptable. Did you speak to the school about it at the time?

It doesn't seem very fair but I cant think of an alternative to be honest.

But I would also say that stickers and stars of the week are not the only 'rewards' children get in school. teachers constantly interact with the whole class so for instance they might say things like 'I see Pat sitting nicely on the carpet' and it reminds the others to sit nicely and Pat feels proud, or they might say 'everyone line up behind Pat, who has listened carefully and is standing in the right place' teachers will nod, smile, acknowledge achievement with a hand on a shoulder, hold up work to show the class, display work, pick children for special jobs and so on. The stickers/charts are just the only bits a parent sees.

I feel quite lucky reading this as DS's school (Reception) seem to handle this quite well. They do have star of the week which he has won once early on and is very keen to get again (I'm not sure whether they've got through all the children yet, they do 2 per week so must be getting there.) They also have a scheme for good work where you show your work to another teacher and which he's been chosen for twice (I'm guessing average) and then a marble jar for behaviour which when full gives the whole class a reward (dress up day, dvd+popcorn or similar which conveniently seems to happen about once a term).

Apart from one child who was quite disruptive and moved schools, I haven't been aware of any other child being disciplined and there isn't any sense that children are being rewarded for bad behaviour. Like most 5 year olds DS has a very strong sense of fairness and justice at the moment so it's good to see. Hope it continues through the school.

DS1 is quiet and well behaved, and also fairly bright, so realised quite early on that the 'naughty children' were getting stickers and star of the week, while he was being overlooked.

He was very discouraged.

He understood that some children found good behaviour difficult, but still found it unfair that those children got rewarded when they occasionally did the things he did as a matter of course.

I could see he was considering trying to play the system - he wondered aloud if he could be naughty for a week to see if he would get star of the week the week after.

I mentioned it to his teacher as something to look out for. He got star of the week that week.

My sons also mused the same. I informed him that if he played up I wouldn’t be amused.

OneInEight

Did you share this information with the teachers? You know help them help your child?

This is pretty standard. I don't really think the rewards work in the long run anyway. They teach the child to be motivated by extrinsic rewards rather than motivated by doing well in their work, making good progress and getting on well with people (i.e. the things that the 'good' and successful pupils are already naturally motivated by, and which will help them to keep being successful). The well-behaved pupils soon learn that stickers are no substitute for good marks and good relationships. The badly-behaved kids usually lose interest in the rewards as they get a bit older too.

I don’t want my child to be rewarded for something he finds easy. Why would I?

This isn't bout the parents - it's about how the kids feel.

If anything kids have a huge sense of right and wrong and some are really upset by the injustice of the reward system.

Kids are quite selfish in wanting all the rewards, but happy to achieve one. Every child should be rewarded everyday for something they do well.

Could be verbal praise, feed back on their work, a sticker or a green card/green traffic light/move to the sun/rainbow/class points/marbles in the jar - All good praise!

Some kids naturally need more praise than others but as long as the get some there shouldn't be any hard feelings

It’s wrong for every child not to feel appreciated and rewarded. It’s why I keep checklists and notes, so that I know who’s been awarded what, and I can check I’m being fair.
Some children with behavioural issues have individual cards and stickers, separate to the class reward system.

Actually, I think it’s quite damaging for the quiet kids’ self esteem to see children who regularly hurt others getting star of the week before they do. When ds was in year 2 he thought he wasn’t good enough as the worst behaved child in the class, who had hurt him that very day, got star of the week before him. I tried to explain it’s all a set up but he said he’d ‘just have to try even harder’ which broke my heart as I knew he’d keep being over looked. He’s just one of those ‘invisible’ kids ☹️. Don’t forget there’s always the kids at the other end of the spectrum who are all me, me, me! With their hand nearly touching the ceiling.

My teacher (I’m a TA) and I both have ‘invisible kids’ so our loose plan for star of the week goes: lovely quiet kids at the start of the year, kids who misbehave but have a good week, arrogant kids last. We also don’t pick the loudest kids to have the main parts in the nativity either. They’ll get their chance in other years, but we like to think we manage to even things out a little.

Bertrand, the last sticker I awarded was to a very bright child, for teamwork. Because whilst being very smart, he can also be bossy and patronising.

My daughter’s school does this. It gets the naughty children on side early during the year. They’re all star of the week once during the year though, don’t worry

“Bertrand, the last sticker I awarded was to a very bright child, for teamwork. Because whilst being very smart, he can also be bossy and patronising”

Yes, my ds was like that. I wouldn’t have wanted him to get stickers for his work or his concentration or his ability to sit still and focus. Those came easily. A sticker for not telling his little friends how clever he was and how they should be doing the task just like he was at every opportunity? Yes. And he did. And he’s quite nice now!

DS used to be one of those kids that got stickers for not being a PITA. neither having a child like that nor being a child like that is much fun and teacher needs to sort them out to minimise disruption to the other kids. It worked, probably along with a host of other strategies, and the stickers etc were phased out. Now there is a new kid who needs loads of support and encouragement.

Ds never got more than his fair share of "pupil of the weeks" though, and the school rewards good behaviour in various ways, so the kids that never were a PITA did get their reward.

DS was diagnosed with ADHD, btw, which took about a year from referral.