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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My oldest friend is ghosting me - I’m so upset.

128 replies

MintyChops · 15/02/2018 18:33

Just that really. I haven’t heard from her since before Christmas. I live in Ireland, she lives in England. We have known each other for almost 35 years, since we were 9. For the last few years she has been pretty bad at keeping in touch, not replying to texts for a few weeks etc and I have been open with her that I miss her but understand that she had a lot on her plate.

Anyway, it has been 2 months since I heard from her and this despite two texts and two voicemails from me. I honestly don’t know what could have happened but it feels like she is ignoring me and I really don’t know why. I have asked her if everything is ok but no answer. I’m very upset and just really doubting myself and feel so sad. AIBU for feeling so upset by this? How do I deal with it? Please be kind, I am feeling very hurt and don’t know how to move forward.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 19/02/2018 13:39

I don't know if talking about it really helps in cases like this. Is it better to hear "I don't think we have anything in common and I don't want to be your friend any more" or to just let it die? What if the person decides to argue back and you end up having to say "No, I don't want to be your friend, I don't like you any more". Is that really preferable? Personally, I think the fade out is in many ways kinder.

Lizzie48 · 19/02/2018 13:45

But actually, @Grilledaubergines given she clearly felt the same, there probably wasn't any need to actually 'break off' the friendship. It wasn't like she was still pursuing the friendship with you, so wouldn't it have been better to just let it slide? It was burning your bridges when you didn't actually need to.

If you'd continued as 'Facebook friends' you wouldn't have had the sadness of not knowing what was going on with her children, would you? But you wouldn't have had to be in touch at all.

It just seems like excessive angst to me.

FreshStartToday · 19/02/2018 13:48

She has 3 kids, she has suffered from depression and anxiety, she has been part of a big family row with her sil, she may be looking after elderly parents now . . . .

It sounds to me as if she has a lot on her plate emotionally and may not be able to manage a cheery text. I have suffered from depression and know that feeling. It's the emotional equivalent of when you are breast feeding and then just can't bear anyone to touch you, as you are all touched out. Even just a text or card seems too much.

I most appreciated being given space, when I felt like this. I have long lasting friendships, and they are ones I can come back to after months or even years of being out of touch, and just pick up where we left off.

Keep in touch with her - birthday, Christmas, holiday postcards - if you can, to let her know you are thinking about her, but try to take the pressure off. (Perhaps send a 'I was surprised not to see you in November at SIL's. It's been ages. Looking forward to catching up sometime, when you have a moment . . .)

HTH

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 19/02/2018 14:03

Laiste I'm going through just the same thing. I don't even expect support from her. I'd just like to hear from her.

Grilledaubergines · 19/02/2018 14:14

lizzie I did let it slide. I meant the decision to end it in that I consciously stopped “hi how are you?” Texts etc. I didn’t phone her and tell her. And that’s how I’m sure she felt the same.

We never had Facebook friendship - well not for the last few years. That was because I realised her settings stopped me from seeing anything about her life when I knew she was a frequent poster. Yes, Facebook is all fake etc but why would you do that? So I told her at that point in a very lighthearted way that I was removing her. There were no hard feelings that I knew of.

gimmesomeapachepizza · 19/02/2018 14:44

Yes, it has been one-sided for a long time and that has also been very difficult for me. She was my best friend growing up and has always been very important to me, my home life wasn’t very happy and she and her family were a refuge for me

Maybe she felt like she has been supportive to you for all that time and she didn't want it anymore. And now it looks to her like you are taking sides with her family against her, maybe it was just the last straw.

Lizzie48 · 19/02/2018 14:57

I do get it, @Grilledaubergines it sounds like a drifting apart rather than you ending a long friendship. I tend to just leave friends I've drifted apart from as Facebook friends and then we just occasionally like each other's posts. If there's been no falling out, I don't personally see a need to take any action.

I have deleted friends before, but only when something has blown up between us. For example, I was shocked to see some Islamaphobic posts from her; I pulled her up on it and deleted her when she didn't understand my problem with it.

Grilledaubergines · 19/02/2018 15:09

lizzie actually Facebook is good for that - you learn about people from their facebook follows/shares. I’d be the same as you and delete that kind of thing. Along with pictures of peoples dinners!

Original poster
MintyChops · 19/02/2018 20:37

I suppose in your case Grilled it sounds like any chat would have been pointless as it seems to have been mutual.

Fresh, yes, I am going to leave it. The thing I said though that is had gone from her last text being totally normal, cheery, can’t wait to catch up properly to total silence.

gimme I have been there for her too through some major life shit. In that sense it had been far from one-way traffic.

I’m back to feeling very low about it today. I was feeling good yesterday, decisive about leaving it as it is and I am still going to do that but I’m back to being very sad about it. It’s horrible to think I’ll never see her again and that she is just done with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintyChops · 23/03/2018 12:36

It’s been a while since I started this thread. I still haven’t heard anything from my friend and I decided just to leave things be. The thing is, it’s her birthday today and I am in two minds about sending a quick “happy birthday, hope you are well” text. What does anyone think?

OP posts:
JennyJames · 23/03/2018 12:38

I haven’t RTFT, but if a friend ghosted me, I would not be texting them anything again.

Ain’t no one got time for that.

Hefzi · 23/03/2018 12:39

I think that's a nice thing to do, and perfectly acceptable too: plus, if she's been absent because she's low or depressed, it shows her that the door is still open Flowers

AnUtterIdiot · 23/03/2018 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzie48 · 23/03/2018 13:24

I probably wouldn't. You were so obviously badly hurt by this friend so it would best not to open yourself up to being hurt again when she continues to not respond.

Thanks
MyKingdomForBrie · 23/03/2018 13:30

If you can deal with the fact that you’ll be waiting and hoping for a reply and you probably won’t get one, or will get a closed response, then do it. Otherwise, don’t open yourself up to being hurt as it sounds like it’s difficult for you to process.

I think anyone has a right to leave a friendship however long or short but to do it by ghosting is just cruel and frankly cowardly.

CruCru · 23/03/2018 13:40

What will make you feel better? If sending her a quick text would make you feel that you are still being kind and friendly then do it. If, on the other hand, you will be resentful that yet another thing is being ignored then don't.

Ultimately your friends are meant to make you feel good about yourself. This friend isn't doing that. Realistically, if you were a new friend or someone she was trying to impress, she would respond (quickly) to your messages.

I'd probably stop trying to get in touch. If she does get back to you and says that she was abducted by aliens then you can pick up with her again.

HollyBayTree · 23/03/2018 13:49

If you text and she doesnt answer, at least you'll know for sure.

Bundlesmads · 23/03/2018 13:56

OP, have you thought about writing and old fashioned postal letter to her? Just saying how much she means to you and how sad you are you’ve lost touch and how sorry you are if you’ve upset her. Tell her your door is always open to her?

A letter just seems so much more personal and sincere than a text.

Londonlivin · 23/03/2018 14:00

Maybe don’t ask how she is, but just text, ‘wishing you a very happy birthday’. If you don’t hear back, and she doesn’t do the same for your birthday, you really do know, that she no longer wants to be your friend.
I have had similar happen to me and it is both upsetting and embarrassing. Make new friends who appreciate you OP.

twizzlerite · 23/03/2018 14:04

Don't text... sorry to be blunt but just leave her alone , if she missed you she'd have been in touch by now

Kochicoo · 23/03/2018 14:09

I agree with a pp that (if it'll make you feel better), you could send a quick message but don't ask any questions in it so you're not feeling sick waiting for a reply.

It happened to me years ago and 10 years later she got in touch out of the blue wanting to meet up as if nothing had happened. I know it really hurts but like all things, it'll feel better in time. Sorry you're feeling down.

CointreauVersial · 23/03/2018 14:17

I would definitely send a birthday message. Just that. You are then leaving the door ajar.

TheJoyOfSox · 23/03/2018 14:22

I’ve moved around the uk a fair bit, ( more than my fair share really)

I’ve met some truly lovely people in those years, but I must admit I’m not good at staying in touch once I’ve moved away. A new environment, new friends, life is busy for everyone. Yes I know a text only takes a few minutes, but with today’s hectic pace, something have to give! Sometimes it’s old friendships that suffer.

It doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk to old friends, it’s just they take second place to actual living, breathing friends iykwim.

I’ve not fell out with my old friends, they use moved down my list of priorities. Isn’t there something regularly on Facebook that says “real friends can go ages without talking” it doesn’t mean she’s not your friend, it’s just how life is for some people. I do know other people who are really good at maintaining long distance friendships, don’t judge me, but maybe your friend is more like me and you’re one of the ‘better’ people.

Pinkvoid · 23/03/2018 15:18

I’m sorry you’re going through this, the same thing has happened to me recently.

I have had the same best friend since we were ten, known one another since three. As adults we made extremely different life decisions however we still always kept in touch and managed to see each other a few times a year. But I’d say over the past year his contact has lessened to an extent he now doesn’t talk to me at all. I didn’t hear from him for two months, then he popped up about three weeks ago with a long message which I promptly replied to. He read and ignored it. I don’t think he believes it’s hurtful but it is. I’ve made a decision not to bother with him anymore as hard as that is, it just isn’t worth it. I’d advise you do the same really, there’s not much else you can do.

Original poster
MintyChops · 23/03/2018 15:50

Thank you so much for all the advice. I am still very hurt and am struggling to process it. I think I have got over long-standing boyfriends faster, it’s odd how much it is affecting me. I think London hit the nail on the head - upsetting and embarrassing.

I think I will send a quick text with no questions or expectation of a response.

OP posts: