My oldest friend is ghosting me - I’m so upset.

[MintyChops]

Just that really. I haven’t heard from her since before Christmas. I live in Ireland, she lives in England. We have known each other for almost 35 years, since we were 9. For the last few years she has been pretty bad at keeping in touch, not replying to texts for a few weeks etc and I have been open with her that I miss her but understand that she had a lot on her plate.

Anyway, it has been 2 months since I heard from her and this despite two texts and two voicemails from me. I honestly don’t know what could have happened but it feels like she is ignoring me and I really don’t know why. I have asked her if everything is ok but no answer. I’m very upset and just really doubting myself and feel so sad. AIBU for feeling so upset by this? How do I deal with it? Please be kind, I am feeling very hurt and don’t know how to move forward.

Don’t think that all that wonderful shared history has come to nothing - it meant something very special at the time

It's very true. I try to think in terms of being lucky to have had that much fun and closeness with someone for so long. All those memories will stay with me. In the 80's we were 2 idiotic goths, trying to negotiate the crowded tube up in London on weekends while chained together at the hip (literally!) all the while while trying to maintain a typical gothy air of unsmiling haughty indifference to the world. I'm smiling just thinking about it now! She'd laugh her arse off to be reminded of it too.

Perhaps this is the way forward. Smile at the memories.

Thanks Minty

I’m sorry for what you’re going through

I had a similar experience my ex BF ghosted me. We grew up together, lived in the same street we were great friends, she had a chaotic love life which became a problem. Had a BF who is now her husband who was abusing her he didn’t like me as I was outspoken he managed to brainwash her. They both “found God” which I was pleased about then she got married to him no invite to wedding had all her “new” friends even had one as her bridesmaid but expected me to go to service as a random off the street. It was never the same I was heartbroken as I loved her like a sister. I’ve moved on nearly 8 years later and I could honestly say I don’t miss her in my life it was always a drama. I could visit her which was 2-3 times weekly and all she would do was talk about herself at times I could sit in her house and she wouldn’t once ask how I was. I realised the friendship had been very one sided. It was so hard to let go but I’m happier now as I don’t constantly worry about her and how her H is treating her.

If you have text and called and got no answer could it be that she has changed her phone number...I know that people have done it here and I haven't realised they got a new number until they gave it to me

Do you have her postal address ....could you send a letter by recorded delivery (so you know she received it if it was signed for) and just ask her if you have done anything to upset her or offend her (sometimes people can get offended by things we don't realise we are doing or saying) and say if you did upset her you apologise and value her as a friend and don't want to throw years of friendship away,

Also tell her you have text and called her and received no reply and are wondering if she got a new number or if something has happened to her or one of her family, stress that you are worried and could she please email you/text you to let you know she is safe

Is it possible shes depressed?

I was thinking along those lines too. Speaking as someone who has issues with anxiety and depression, going off the radar is something that I have to do from time to time when it gets so bad that even the thought of a text conversation feels like a insurmountable task. Saying that though if someone straight up said they were worried I would let them know everything was okay, it's cruel to let people worry.

Haven't read the full thread so apologies if this has already been ruled out.

Surely if she thinks you've sided with her sister hearing that you've been asking after her welfare would be a good thing?
You know her best though. If she has cut you off for attending a party and you think she will be offended that you asked about her she sounds pretty over sensitive and a distancing between you doesn't sound as though it would be a bad thing for you in the long run.

The thing is, Blue I have no idea if she is back in touch with her sister so perhaps I would be no further forward and she would then later see it as further evidence of us being in cahoots. She is pretty sensitive.

I wonder if a letter might be a good idea Elderflower. I just don’t know whether to let it go and never know for sure but retain a shred of dignity or to put something down on paper and of course perhaps never know either but have sort of come back for more. What do you think?

Some of the stories on this thread are very sad. It’s really helping me feel a bit better to talk about it here.

now we are angry, how can she just ditch us without explanation - and give us no opportunity to hear what exactly we’ve done wrong?

She's in a WhatsApp group full of people who get angry when she no longer wants to be part of it? Yeah, I just can't imagine why she didn't want to tell you all beforehand

Is that meant for Sparkle, Desiree?

So Desiree a friend ceases all contact with a group of friends she’s known for most of her life literally overnight, avoids calls/messages and gives no explanation as to why. Months pass and despite frequent attempts for each person in the group, asking if she’s ok, explains we are worried, nobody has heard from her.
Am I not allowed to be upset then? And feel anger as part of being hurt by that?
Please let me know the appropriate emotions to feel then, seeing as you know so much about it?

Sparkle you should not have to be subjected to this nonsense.

Thank you Minty. I hope you feel better about your situation too, you sound like a good friend.

The thing with Mumsnet is, there are those posters who think we're not allowed to be upset if friends move on, as they're under no obligation to stay friends if they've 'outgrown' the childhood friendship. Friends are rarely for life, this is true, and the argument goes that we should be grateful for the good times and just move on.

They're right in theory, but emotions don't work like that. If you really care for a long-term friend, and you lose them for whatever reason, it will hurt for a time. It's a kind of grief really. Anger is part of that process. I've been there. But eventually you will feel better, life moves on and you make new friends.

Don't let random strangers on the internet dictate how you're supposed to feel, it's easy for them to dish out their brand of wisdom from behind a keyboard.

You’re so right Lizzie. Thank you.

It's very hard when a friend moves on with their life and it appears that you no longer have a part in it. When one person moves away and the other stays it often goes one of two ways - the "home" friend moves in with their life and the "away" friend is disappointed when they return and things aren't the same as they where when they left, or the "away" friend builds a new life and people from their past start to feel like past history. It's unlikely that you're going to get an answer, or that it was any one thing that changed. Can you develop some kind of mantra, like "people change, I haven't done anything wrong" that you can remind yourself when your mind starts going over this? It doesn't sound as if the worry, rumination and detective work is going to get you anywhere, it just makes you feel bad about yourself

Thank you lizzie

One thing I have learnt from MN is what very different expectations people have from friendships. I don't think anyone is wrong, just different people want and need different levels of contact.

I recognize a lot of myself what you say about your friend (although her letting you down when you flew over was very poor behaviour and I would never do that). I am not good at replying to messages, emails and it could easily go 6+ months before I get in touch with friends. I'm just a person who needs space and has limited need for social contact, and with all the people I know it means that apart from the very few closest friends, I only see the others occasionally. If your friend is like me, then the worst thing would be to send a letter. If I got a letter like that from a friend that I had only not spoken to in a couple of months, I would feel badgered and it probably would be the end fo the friendship for me.

But I also understand that for many people being in constant contact is necessary for the friendship to thrive, and there is nothing wrong with that. It might be that you and your friend have very different friendship styles and needs, and that that might make you incompatible as friends? I don't think it is co-incidential that the majority of my friends function like me, and I suspect there are also close friendship groups out there of lovely people that I would not function as part of. Maybe if you are in the latter group, or would like to be, it would be a good idea to focus on building or maintaining friendships with similar people?

Thank you for that perspective sonja. I know it has only been 2 months but it is a silence that has encompassed Christmas, new year, DS2’s birthday (her godson) and a number of texts and voicemails from me, initially very light and chatty then the last few basically saying hey, is everything ok, please let me know if all is ok. On that basis, unless she has changed her phone number or lost her phone, it is odd. I’m sure even someone who needs much less contact (like you) would have responded by now if everything was fine. I don’t need to be on the phone every day but this is a different level of non-contact.

Having said that, I’m going to leave it now. I think any further texts or voicemails would be pointless. She hasn’t responded so far, I doubt she will. I don’t know if there is any point in a letter other than as a cathartic exercise for me and actually, this thread has been very cathartic. As for asking her sister or SIL, well, if I run into them (very seldom happens) I will ask how she is and leave it there. I’m not going to involve them.

There. A plan. I am going to focus on my other friends and hope that in time I can think of her fondly without the real sense of loss and sadness I am currently feeling. As my wise (and sweary) other old friend I talked to about this said, “Fuck that shit. Life is short.” I’m adopting that as my new mantra.

By the way thatsnotmybody like your mantra too!

lizzie I’m going to assume your post was motivated by mine amongst others on this thread.
Not going to type a big spiel full of details but to be brief, I got the attitude I did after being treated badly and subsequently hurt myself. I learned not to place such heartfelt onus on friendships as no matter how well you think you know and can rely on a friend, they will always have the capacity to surprise you. Ultimately, it’s a relationship based solely on choice and that can make it precarious.
I think of my friends as ‘nice to have’ these days...sadly experience has shown me that you can only truly count on yourself.
I know. Boo. Misery guts. But I do know how it feels.

I’m another of the ‘that's just how it is’ posters, and my main motivation was to try and save the OP from further pain by carrying on contacting her friend. I think it’s time to draw a line under things and let the friend go (unless the friend gets back in touch). OP, I’m happy to see from your last post that you have reached this conclusion too.

This doesn’t at all mean that you’re “not allowed to be upset”, of course you can be upset, in fact I said in my first post that I can understand it’s incredibly painful. It’s just that I can’t see the point in prolonging the agony. There’s nothing you can do to change your friend’s mind.

It’s very hard when a long term friendship fizzles out. Unfortunately history together just isn’t enough. My friendship of 30 odd years ended at my decision.

Despite such strong bonds in the past, over the past few years it got to the point where we hardly knew each other. A few things had happened over the last few years which made me feel differently about her. We both changed and our lives took different directions. I realised I didn’t miss her in my life end when something happened in my life, I told other friends and didn’t see any reason to tell her.

That was hard to come to terms with actually. Eventually I realised the sadness I felt at the loss of glue keeping us friends was making me feel worse than just cutting ties. So I did. I’ll always feel sad that I’ll never know any more about her life - what becomes of her childen in their lives etc. But ultimately, I feel happier now.

@pictish I get where you're coming from, I've been hurt in the same way. A group of 3 friends I used to hang out with at uni all dropped me and I never worked out why. I think I do now, but there's nothing I can do about it. I never felt like I was taken seriously when sharing my hurt about it, so I wanted the OP to know that what she was feeling was totally justified. A feeling of loss is unavoidable if you lose something that was once important to you.

I also have become less reliant on friends in recent years. I have a few I know I have stayed in touch with for many years, mostly through Facebook now, and a few mum friends. But I do keep more of a distance emotionally these days, I don't want to be hurt again the way I was in the past.

There are always more friends to be made.

Grilled did you talk to your friend about what was happening?

Minty when you say ‘what was happening’ do you mean as in how I was feeling? I didn’t, no. I suppose I chickened out for fear of either confrontation or the realisation that she felt the same. I suspect she did feel the same though, given she never tried to contact me since.

I think the ideal of having a life-long friend is wonderful but I wonder how many people genuinely have that? I mean, we all change don’t we? It’s lucky if your changes fall in line with each other.