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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My oldest friend is ghosting me - I’m so upset.

128 replies

MintyChops · 15/02/2018 18:33

Just that really. I haven’t heard from her since before Christmas. I live in Ireland, she lives in England. We have known each other for almost 35 years, since we were 9. For the last few years she has been pretty bad at keeping in touch, not replying to texts for a few weeks etc and I have been open with her that I miss her but understand that she had a lot on her plate.

Anyway, it has been 2 months since I heard from her and this despite two texts and two voicemails from me. I honestly don’t know what could have happened but it feels like she is ignoring me and I really don’t know why. I have asked her if everything is ok but no answer. I’m very upset and just really doubting myself and feel so sad. AIBU for feeling so upset by this? How do I deal with it? Please be kind, I am feeling very hurt and don’t know how to move forward.

OP posts:

Original poster

MintyChops · 15/02/2018 22:47

I really don’t know whether it is anxiety/depression, it certainly could be. I am not in touch with her sister normally. She approached me at the party and I asked her was friend going to be there later. She said no and much later on (after a lot of wine) asked me had I seen/ spoken to friend recently. I said no I hadn’t (it has been 2 years since we met up) and she then became a bit upset and told me she had had this serious falling out with her and they had not been in touch for 6 months. I told her I couldn’t shed any light on it as I hadn’t had much contact with her. She asked me not to say we had spoken about this and I decided that I just wanted to stay out of any drama so I put it out of my mind.

It’s this, isn’t it? Fuck it. I never wanted or invited the confidence from her sister and I wanted to stay out of any issue between them, especially as I had been struggling with how one- sided it had become.

OP posts:

MadMags · 15/02/2018 22:49

Yeah I think it seems like you sided with her sister, and sneakily went to a family party that she mightn’t have even been invited to!

Very childish but nowt as queer as folk!

fleetingthinker · 15/02/2018 23:04

My oldest friend of 30 years ghosted me. It's was so hurtful and took me a while to realise it but when I looked back over our friendship I guess it had been one sided for a while. For a few years I t was me calling, texting and making the effort. We don't not live near each other and have alway been long distance. She didn't share big news such as pregnancy and birth until I contacted her. In the end she stopped replying to my messages completely.

Very hurtful and confusing. Thirty years is a long time to just blank someone. I expected more in all honesty. I was totally overthinking it, wondering if had upset her etc but ultimately it's a shitty,crappy thing to do and I realised it had more to do with her than me and I lost respect for her in all honesty.

I stopped contacting after she didn't reply to a message about meeting up and concentrated on processing the end of our friendship in my head. It was hard, no birthday/ Christmas cards for the first time in three decades. After a while I actually felt ok about it and realised it wasn't about me at all.

Then six months later she got in touch. Totally out the blue. I didn't reply as didn't feel the need by that stage.

Arapaima · 16/02/2018 06:21

It has been two years since you met up?

Honestly OP, I don’t think it’s the party/SIL thing and I don’t think it’s depression. I think the most likely explanation is simply that your friend has moved on and made other friends.

Sorry, I know this is incredibly hurtful for you. But let’s face it, most people aren’t in touch with their best friend from when they were 9. You live in different places, you have different lives. She’s no longer the friend that she once was.

ShiftyMcGifty · 16/02/2018 07:30

Close enough to be invited to a birthday party where? I’m assuming her family live near each other and you travelled all the way from Ireland to England for her SIL’s party? But you didn’t arrange any sort of a meet up with your best friend despite not actually seeing each other for the last two years?

Sorry I’m just a bit confused by your scenario.

Roussette · 16/02/2018 07:47

I feel for your Minty and from what you've said I would imagine it is the sister/SIL situation, perhaps she feels a bit betrayed? Not right I know, but I find it hard to cope with people who aren't straightforward and say what they are thinking even if it is hurtful.

I'm going through something similar. My childhood friend (known each other 53 years, yes honestly!) and there was a bit of a falling out last year when to my mind she behaved pretty badly. In 53 years, apart from one year when she was 16, we've been in touch continually. We made up (I thought) from the last year episode, but it is all now very different. She's chosen not to chat on the phone like we used to, but bizarrely has gone from someone who was useless on whatsapp/email, she's taken to doing that now. I've tried really really hard to get things back to normal and TBH I'm getting a bit pissed off now. Our friendship has become superficial and formal and I don't like it.

I'm going to tackle it but have to wait till after May because there is a mutual friend big birthday coming up and I really don't want upsets for that as we're both involved in planning something.

If I were you OP (and I'm not) I'd ring or write and speak from the heart telling her how much you miss her and ask if there is a situation that has hurt her which is causing her to go quiet.

Roussette · 16/02/2018 07:55

fleeting that's interesting. I'm wondering if that's where my situation is going. Am I hanging on to a friendship just because it is long, I dunno...

Upsy1981 · 16/02/2018 08:00

I think I would write to her, explaining that you had no idea about her family situation, you fully expected to see her at the party and were looking forward to it and you're really sorry that you have inadvertently hurt her.

I think it probably is the party (although if she's fallen out with sister too there might be more going on in her life?). She probably sees/feels a different perspective to yours about what happened and feels hurt. I also think her private response to your 'is everything ok?' messages is probably 'Well, if you don't bloody well know, I'm not going to spell it out for you!' So I think you need to take the bull by the horns and apologise. If she still doesn't come round, at least you know you tried.

shinysinkredemption · 16/02/2018 08:00

I mean this kindly: I really think you are overthinking it. Whatever her reason, she's clearly not in a place where she wants to get in touch and explain. I'd respect her position and leave her be - continue with birthday and Christmas cards and maybe in a few months call again and leave a cheery message saying you hope she's well, miss her and you'd love a chat sometime.
Focus on the friends you have closer to home.
If she wants to make contact but feels bad because she knows she's 'ghosted' you (for whatever reason, and if the party is the reason that's pretty poor IMO) she'll find it easier if she thinks you'll be approachable and glad to hear from her rather than expecting her to apologise.

WipsGlitter · 16/02/2018 08:02

I don't think it's to do with the SIL thing.

She might just feel that she's moved on, lives elsewhere, has new friends and while she'd be happy to catch up when she's home doesn't want any more than that.

Or...

I had a friend with whom it was very hard to keep in touch with. Messages, emails, cards all went unanswered. And then suddenly she'd get in touch again. This went on for a number of years. She was in a deeply unhappy marriage and had a lot of problems / issues. I now regret not keeping up with my drip of messages even though there was no response.

springydaff · 16/02/2018 08:05

But let’s face it, most people aren’t in touch with their best friend from when they were 9

This is a strange response. Sometimes friends grow together over the years. In which case the bond is strong. Or should be.

Pretty shitty for someone to 'drift away' from a 30 year friendship imo.

Arapaima · 16/02/2018 08:14

Why ‘should’ the bond be strong just because they’ve known each other 30 years? I’m not saying long friendships can’t be wonderful, of course they can, if both people feel the same way. But the friend isn’t required to stay close friends with OP if she doesn’t want to. I don’t think it’s ‘shitty’ behaviour to drift apart.

JustDanceAddict · 16/02/2018 08:14

Sounds like the party thing may have pissed her off but it’s not your fault you were invited. Was it in England so you could’ve seen her beforehand?
It does seem petty though.
I do feel for you as it’s happened to me a couple of times. First time I was 18 & I wrote the letter as she wouldn’t come to the phone (and got a very terse reply). Second was when I was in early 30s and I never found out why I was ghosted! Both these friendships had been close so it was gutting.
I think you need to maybe text her & explain re party circumstances and if you get no response you haven’t lost anything
still.

pictish · 16/02/2018 08:27

Honestly there might no be any more to it than the fact she has grown away from you and lost interest. I know that’s so hurtful when you clearly value the friendship as much as you do but she may not feel the same about it and just be less inclined to bother these days. People do move on and find new priorities and sadly sometimes the old ones no longer factor. It’s a shame.

Peanutbuttercheese · 16/02/2018 08:32

I lost a friend who I had for twenty years.

We had been friends at Univeristh and also emotional support for each other. She didn't settle down with a nice guy till she was late thirties and the had a seven year battle with infertility. She moved abroad and we still stayed in touch. Then to everyone's delight she had a child. She rang me a lot when pg as she suffered from Gestational diabetes and also had horrendous issues with sciatica. After the baby was born she just dropped of the earth. No PND, she just had her dream realised and didn't need me anymore her closest confidant who had listened to her man troubles and fertility issues for years.

pictish · 16/02/2018 08:33

Arapaima I do agree - as much as we like to think otherwise, the length of a friendship does not actually correlate with how much are obliged to it. I’d go so far as to say that having enough in common with someone from the age of 9 and for the next 35 years to nurture a friendship is pretty unusual.

Original poster

MintyChops · 16/02/2018 09:00

The party was in Dublin (where I live). She is Irish too but lives in England now, most of her family are still here.

As for the not seeing each other for so long, I have tried. I arranged a night in London last year to make it easy for her to just get the train and she didn’t come at the last minute (I had a very sad night on my own). She has 3 kids, I have 3 kids neither of us has family nearby who can help out with childcare and it’s just very expensive to fly over with all three. Actually that’s indicative of the erosion of the friendship. It’s not THAT expensive/ hard to arrange, we just haven’t.

I’m sure it is the party on reflection and I think she feels betrayed even though I was hoping she would be there and I didn’t know anything about what had happened with her sister. What I was framing in my head as tactfully staying out of an issue she is having with her sister, she must be seeing as me siding with her.

I really thought we had a special friendship where we would just pick up where we left off no matter how long it had been. We really do still have a huge amount in common still.

OP posts:

Roussette · 16/02/2018 09:04

I don't think anyone is obliged to carry on a friendship even if it is very long. However, in my case, we have shared so much over 53 years...
first day at secondary school, firm friends at school, shared flats together, holidays abroad when we were young single things, lots of shagging boyfriends that we shared , then growing up.... weddings, children, holidays every year still... husbands get on really well etc
To lose a shared history like that is hard.

Original poster

MintyChops · 16/02/2018 09:05

Fleeting and Rousette I have definitely valued this friendship hugely due to its length but perhaps it had run its course long ago and I just didn’t “get”it?

OP posts:

MadMags · 16/02/2018 09:09

I’m sure it is the party on reflection and I think she feels betrayed even though I was hoping she would be there

But did you not speak at all?? To not know she wasn’t going, I mean. I do think that’s odd.

Roussette · 16/02/2018 09:09

Totally get that statement Minty because I am wondering the same. I probably have been the slightly more proactive one over decades but is my friend and your friend thinking... how can I drift away after so long because I want to...

Perhaps the history means more to me than her, maybe the same in your case too...

springydaff · 16/02/2018 09:13

I suppose I don't get how a long friendship can 'run its course'.

Perhaps what I'm talking about is love. For me, once I love someone I kinda love them. That's it. Unless some awful abuse happens and I've no choice but to cut said loved person off for self-protection.

There's love involved in these friendships, especially long friendships -
why it's so very painful when these relationships end. So 'drifting away' is pretty shitty in my book. Indicates you weren't loved in the first place.

Original poster

MintyChops · 16/02/2018 09:13

MadMags she has been very bad at responding to texts and voicemails for the last few years. I just figured she would be there and didn’t think any more of it.

Rousette I hope that’s not the case for you because it’s bloody hurtful but I think it is for me....

OP posts:

Roussette · 16/02/2018 09:15

Oh yes springy you have put it far far better than me.

It's beyond me how someone can just drift after 20, 30, 40 and 50 years of friendship. Memories and shared history is so important to me, but perhaps I'm odd

Original poster

MintyChops · 16/02/2018 09:16

That’s exactly it Springy.

OP posts:

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