My oldest friend is ghosting me - I’m so upset.

[MintyChops]

Just that really. I haven’t heard from her since before Christmas. I live in Ireland, she lives in England. We have known each other for almost 35 years, since we were 9. For the last few years she has been pretty bad at keeping in touch, not replying to texts for a few weeks etc and I have been open with her that I miss her but understand that she had a lot on her plate.

Anyway, it has been 2 months since I heard from her and this despite two texts and two voicemails from me. I honestly don’t know what could have happened but it feels like she is ignoring me and I really don’t know why. I have asked her if everything is ok but no answer. I’m very upset and just really doubting myself and feel so sad. AIBU for feeling so upset by this? How do I deal with it? Please be kind, I am feeling very hurt and don’t know how to move forward.

No I don't think you're odd rousette, I got ghosted too after 30 years, I think I have written about it on here before. After really thinking about it, I came to see that we had grown over the years into 2 very different people and although in my memory I will always like her, I am not so sure I liked the woman she became. Anyway, all academic now - she obviously wasn't keen on me by the end either.

Thanks whoareyou, I think I'm in this position now and I am just wondering what is going to happen over this next year. We are very different people, maybe even our shared history of growing up together won't survive that fact ho hum

There is more going on than the party.
You flew over to see her and she let you down on the day.
She's fallen out with her sister and gone NC.

It's more than you she has a problem with.

Let her go Minty, if you have asked her twice if everything is o.k then that is enough. One of the hardest things to deal with with friends is to realize that not that many are for life in reality. Just take it as it is, sad but there will be more people to be friends with in the future.
It happens and your only option is to move on as well.
I've been friend dumped but it was when I was going through a crisis.I take all friends now much more lightly with no expectations of anything.

My best friend of 36 years did this to me last year. No arguments, no clue what I did, just a gradual realisation that I was always getting voicemail and my texts we going unanswered. I tried Facebook and found I was blocked. No mutual friends that I feel comfortable asking what happened.

It was like a bereavement - dramatic but true and has really shaken me. I know that we have different lives and both busy with our kids but she was like a sister to me and I assumed that we'd have more time together as our kids were less needy.

I have sort of worked through it now with help of my other lovely friends who have let me talk endlessly about what I could have done to her/or not to make her do this. I clearly have been surplus to requirements for a while and not seen it. I sent her a Christmas card but that's it from me, my door is always open but I am not going to keep putting myself out there.

It's shit OP and it hurts - no words of wisdom, but lots of sympathy

It is like a bereavement. I have spoken to one other very old friend (actually, they were both my bridesmaids) and my husband but there is no one else I really feel able to talk to about it. I feel embarrassed as well as hurt, sad, annoyed, helpless, worthless, bereft all at once. A painful mix.

@MintyChops you capture all the feelings so well. I am also embarrassed and very very hurt. When I realised what was happening I read some threads on MN to try to understand what was happening and the consensus was you must have done something unforgivable/ you must know what you've done. But I don't.

What is awful is we have a huge wealth of shared memories (each other's maids of honour, god parents..) so many things remind me of her daily and I dream often that we've become friends again - aware I sound like a complete bunny boiler now but is really cathartic to talk about how very sad I am still and how badly it hurts

I’ve a thread about this - I’m telling a friend of over 40 years that our one on one friendship has ran it’s course. We have shared a lot down those years but she does demonstrate some very poor behaviour too, which is worsening. It’s taken me until now to have the will to remove that from my life.

OP I’m no way suggesting this is similar to your situation, just explaining why long term friendships can and should end.

It’s an utter disgrace that you flew over there and she let you down!

You flew over to see her and she let you down on the day.
This ^

I would have been tempted to end the friendship then. I'm sorry you're going through this OP but you don't deserve to be treated like this by a friend.

I agree about her letting you down when you flew over to see her. That was an awful thing to do.

coffeeagogo that is so sad, and I can understand your pain.

This thread has been quite cathartic for me (thank you Minty) and I am beginning to think that my friendship can never go back to how it was and if I'm totally honest with myself, I look back and can think of a few times when I should've realised this or been more aware.

Minty you saying about how you feel in your last post is a sadness I've felt for a while... quite a few years ago I had a few sleepless nights worrying about why my friend became a bit distant, but we've limped on and had holidays together, nights out etc since. However, what happened last summer probably did bring things to a head and I'm not sure we can go back to our easy times again. I don't think we'll lose touch but I think it's going to be more infrequent and far more superficial than years ago.

to everyone on here who has been affected by losing long term friendships

You don’t sound like a bunny boiler coffee, you sound like you are going through what I am; I think about my friend every day too. Rousette I’m glad you have found this thread cathartic. It’s a painful experience. I think I will be very up and down over this for some time to come.

In a way I think I should have called her out more strongly on her lack of contact/ indifference over the years but for some reason I was afraid to. Afraid I suppose that she might turn around and say, you know what? Things are different and I’ve moved on/ you’ve changed/ we don’t have things in common/ I have better friends etc. Like the London thing - in fairness to her she did say on the Monday that she could no longer do the Thursday night we had arranged and could I do the Tuesday instead but given that I was flying over from Dublin I couldn’t change days. I was actually en route to see a friend in Cheltenham and instead of flying into Birmingham had arranged to go to London then get a train to Cheltenham the next day. This had all been planned for about 3months. I should have been stronger about how upset/ pissed off ai was and the fact I wasn’t shows me how unequal things had become.

cat at least you have the decency to actually tell your friend.

I am going through a similar thing with my friend of 30 years. And your last post sounds so similar to some of our failed attempts at meeting up.
She has repeatedly cancelled long planned arrangements, at the last minute, made ridiculous excuses to be somewhere else shortly after meeting up, having commuted 2 hours to meet her. And on a few occasions, simply disappeared! I had long given her the benefit of doubt based on assuming she must have been going through some kind of depression, but she would never apologise or attempt to explain, and my patience just simply petered out. Texts have gone unanswered now for months, and my kids birthdays have come & gone. It is hard to understand, but when you look back at how one sided the relationship has become, you start to feel like it might be a good thing.

Forgot to add..having just noticed your reference to your friend being bad at responding to calls & texts.

My friend has been like this too..but I've come to realise since, that it's not that they are just soooo busy. It's because they simply can't be arsed. Trying to arrange an evening to meet up, became an obvious game of 'last minute guess'..as in sorry babe I can't, or 'oh yeah of course yes let's do it, oh didn't I reply before? In other words..I haven't lined up anything better, so yeah I guess I'm free.
Not responding to messages and calls..is simply rude, and shows she doesn't respect you and the time & effort it takes to be somewhere.

Minty I have avoided telling her for too long which is wrong of me, for her, me and for the people she has hurt without being held to account. But I addressing it now.

I think the history can count for nothing when you reach a certain stage in your life. It’s what is happening here and now that matters.

School, it does sound familiar. It’s rude, disrespectful and hurtful. your friend sounds like mine has been....

cat I know it’s “wrong” in the strictest sense that you haven’t told your friend but it must be a very hard thing to do, which is why so many people bottle it. If you can screw up your courage to be honest with her then you are doing more than so many former and soon-to-be former friends on this thread. I would appreciate your honesty but be prepared that she won’t at the time. Good luck.

Are there any mutual friends or relatives she is in contact with you can speak to to check if she's ok and see if they can shed any light?

I did think about that Blue but I think it would probably make things worse.

Can it get any worse than the friendship being over? I certainly wouldn't contact her directly again if the last couple of times you've had no response.
If for eg she's been ill in hospital (hopefully not but it's possible) then speaking to someone she's in contact with would likely know that. Or she might have mentioned your falling out to them so you might find out how you've offended her if that's the case.

I know what you mean but I really meant worse for her; if she thinks I have been siding with her sister, sneaking off to her SIL’s party then to find out I was trying to see if she was Ok or how I had upset her through someone else well, that wouldn’t be great. I think I will have to just leave it and try to find some peace with that.

OP

I have had? a friend from primary school who was my very best friend for years and years. (we both turn 50 this year)

To cut a 40 year story short we had our good and bad patches, never an argument, but she would (and i can see this now) go silent for a year or two every time i was struggling in life and walk back in when she needed a friend.

We would laugh together until we would nearly pee ourselves every day for 5 years on the walk home from secondary school. We were inseparable.

We went through very different life experiences through our 20s but saw each other once a week at least come what may (she came to live with me for a year to help her sell a place and buy a new one).

In our 30s i listened to her for hours and hours about her councelling. Then the radio silences from her started when things got tough in my first marriage. In our 40s i have sadly resigned myself to the fact that the friendship is dead in the water now.

It's sad because for more than half my life she knew me better than any one else on the planet. Now we don't exchange birthday cards and she's even met my 4 year old and probably never will :(

Sorry for all here who feel this certain pain x

I agree with PP that it sounds like your friend has issues with people in general. I didn't read the party/DSis situation like you did, I think it sounds like she's falling out with a number of people close to her, and she's been engineering this for a while.

Ah Laiste that is sad. Don’t think that all that wonderful shared history has come to nothing - it meant something very special at the time, perhaps you will be able to look back fondly and smile eventually, that is what I am hoping for.

Shack, it does seem so odd. She only has one sister and I am one of her oldest friends.

Your post at 14.31 made total sense to me Minty. I know without doubt there have been times I should've called my friend out too... for being a bit of a useless friend at times TBH but I never wanted to confront anything, so perhaps now things are coming to a head and it'll sort itself out one way or the other. Trouble is... I'm a heart on sleeve, let's talk this out type of person. She's a push things under the carpet, I don't want to talk about it person hey ho