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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends asking if I regret...

93 replies

Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 10:11

"Having so many kids" I was at my friends house yesterday and she just blurted it out. I wasn't even talking about them saying I found it hard/difficult or whatever (before someone thinks that's the reason.) she just came out with it. I was abit taken back (I have 4) aibu in thinking it's rude to ask someone this (infront of my children aswell.)

OP posts:
FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes · 15/02/2018 10:13

i have 4. i would be upset that it was asked in front of my DC but i wouldnt mind a good friend asking me when the DC couldn't hear. Because i can honestly say i wouldn't be without them but i do feel envious of the holidays/ease of popping out for a treat etc etc that i see with people who have one. i dont mind at all talking about the pros and cons of my big family with my friends.

Why were they asking? thinking about a big family themselves? sticking with one and not able to imagine wanting/coping with more?

IHATEPeppaPig · 15/02/2018 10:14

If there was no prior discussion she was being very rude.

Was it meant in the way that she wants lots of children and was just scoping out how hard it is?!

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 10:16

Oh no she wasn't asking for herself. She has one and has made it very clear she doesn't want any more. And went on to say that she's glad she only had one.

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 15/02/2018 10:17

I remember someone asking my mum that. I'm the eldest of 4 and my sister who was there is child 3. Sister immediately turned around and said that my mum had to keep having more because she needed the perfection of having my sister in her life Grin. Don't worry about the DC's reactions, they probably won't care.

FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes · 15/02/2018 10:19

i find people with an only, in general, find the idea of 3+ insane! they cannot see how they could do it, it feels crazy and overwhelming to them. and obviously if they are very definitely and happily sticking with one its feasible that they cant understand why anyone would want more, because they dont.

a lot would depend on the tone of how they said it.

when anyone talks to me about my family and then ends with 'i'm so glad i've only got one' i do a big smile and say 'glad you're as happy with your family as i am with mine!'

Snowydaysarehere · 15/02/2018 10:23

6 ft dc and some left home, nobody can grasp this is my life /family and to me its perfect. Each to their own etc.

LoniceraJaponica · 15/02/2018 10:26

You are describing me to a T FitzFool Grin
Although I would have preferred it if DD had sibling. It just didn't happen.

beluga425 · 15/02/2018 10:28

Whereas some of us who have spent years and many £000s trying to have more than one are frequently asked, "what, just the one?" Or told "what a shame" or "my life is so full, I'm so glad I had a big family."
People are just rude.

Abracadabraapileofbollocks · 15/02/2018 10:28

The moment for a flippant "more would have been better it's so quiet sometimes".

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2018 10:29

She shouldn't have said it in front of the kids, but I doubt they care.

The poster who commented on people with one is right, I've one, I didn't want more and I find the idea of four mind boggling but get that people chose different lives. I think for me it would be more fascinating how the hell you do it Grin

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 10:29

My friend has one and has never experienced that. It's seen as the ideal within our social circle.

OP posts:
MagicNumbers1234 · 15/02/2018 10:30

Maybe she is finding parenting hard herself with one DC and she wonders if you find it much harder with 4 children? I doubt she meant to offend you and she probably wasn't thinking about your DC overhearing the conversation when she asked. Flowers

SukiTheDog · 15/02/2018 10:35

I’d have loved more than one. It didn’t happen. You’re lucky. You’re friend is rude. I wish you well 😊

Married3Children · 15/02/2018 10:35

Say8ng in front of the children lack of tack to say the least
But I suspect she saw you dealing with 4 dcs and though ‘omg, I would never want that ever.’
I’ve had similar said to me with two dcs (close together and they were young atvstage so I was struggling to keep up with two wanting to go to two Different Places!). I really didn’t mind because it was a réflexion on how my friend was seeing things FOR HERSELF. I never thought I was a judgement on me.

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/02/2018 10:37

Maybe she was commenting because she literally cannot imagine how anyone can deal with four?

I have five and people often used to stop me and say 'are they all yours?' That's pretty rude, did they expect me to say 'well, two are adopted' in front of the kids? So I got a T shirt that said 'yes, they are all mine' and wore it on days out.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 10:39

Yeh I get the "are they all yours" I even had a woman say I was too young to have so many kids.

OP posts:
FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes · 15/02/2018 10:43

i will add that it has taken me a while to relax about it enough to accept that they are not 'judging', it just that their life is full with one so they cant see how i have space for 4 in my life. children fill you to capacity however many you have. bit like how i thought i had no time to do the things i wanted before kids - i laugh at my former self!!

they key is to make sure you feel happy and confident in your own choices and not worry how others feel about your choices - they don't have to live with it, you do! :)

falsepriest · 15/02/2018 10:44

I'd have asked her which one(s) she thought I should get rid of. Cheeky cow.

BrazzleDazzleDay · 15/02/2018 10:50

I have 4 dc too, never been asked if i regret it though. Just the usual "how do you do it?". I wouldn't question anyones choice of number of dc.

dc 3 and 4 are twins, that seems to elicit more shocked faces/comments than actually having 4 dc.

I actually find it much easier than when I had just the 1/2 and am funnily enough the turned to babysitter when others need a break.

StillMedusa · 15/02/2018 10:53

I remember getting on a train with my best frind and our seven (four mine, three hers..all under 8) children and her looking at them and going 'Dear GOD are these ALL ours?!' Grin

I had lots of comments over the years ... the 'are they all yours' type and 'I don't know how you cope' (fine thanks!) but it never bothered me... and now I have four fabulous adults and sometimes miss those earlier days.
Shrug and ignore.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 10:56

I don't think asking how you do it is the same as asking if you regret having so many kids. And fwiw I find 4 mucccch harder than 1/2 or 3. But they are under 7 so many that's why.

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Graphista · 15/02/2018 10:58

People are bloody rude and thoughtless to both ends of the spectrum.

I've only one but would've loved more but it couldn't happen. I also lost 3 before I had dd and often the people making the rude comments don't know me well enough to know this.

It's nobody's business on a personal level.

I'd have been tempted to say to her "do you regret only having one? (Head tilt) with all they say about only children" not because it's acceptable to say but to make a point to this rude person!

Kikashi · 15/02/2018 11:01

My brother and also my best friend both have one child each and regularly tell me (unsolicited) how having one child is SO much harder than having 6 (4 mine, 2 SIL's who live with us). "It's not a competition"

upsideup · 15/02/2018 11:01

Asking do you regret having your children is incredibly rude and insensitive, I'm suprised a comment like that could come from another mother. I also have 4dc and can't imagine one of my 'friends' asking if I wish I'd rather not have them.

alotalotalot · 15/02/2018 11:06

If you are friends and you are just chatting, its just a philasophical question. Perhaps it could have been framed better but surely a good friendship discusses this type of thing?

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