Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Friends asking if I regret...

93 replies

Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 10:11

"Having so many kids" I was at my friends house yesterday and she just blurted it out. I wasn't even talking about them saying I found it hard/difficult or whatever (before someone thinks that's the reason.) she just came out with it. I was abit taken back (I have 4) aibu in thinking it's rude to ask someone this (infront of my children aswell.)

OP posts:

Lashalicious · 15/02/2018 12:36

supposedly overpopulating the planet. I don’t think you are! That’s the thinking of some people. Wanted to make that clear.

getyousome · 15/02/2018 12:38

I would think 'are they all yours' meant are you the parent of all children, as opposed to one/some being your kids friends or cousins or whatever.

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2018 12:41

I have four and i tend to assume everyone is very envious of me

Curious as to why?

For me I think I'm too selfish. I love my daughter more than anything in thr world. We are very close. But the bald truth is I also wanted a life outside being a mother. To be able to work, go out with friends, have limited domestic drudgery, to go on holidays easily. To be a mother and to be me. I'm sure four kids brings it's own joy, but no one will ever convince me it's not bloody hard work, it's not expensive and that it doesn't consume your life. For many that's the life they want, but I'm ultimately too selfish for it and it wasn't something I chose or having my time over I still would not chose.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/02/2018 12:42

I always used to say that the first one turned out so perfectly, it would have been rude to deprive society of the rest!

Opinions are like arseholes - everyone has one and lots are shitty. She was rude. You can counter it by asking if she regrets not giving her child a sibling or you can just accept that some people fail to engage their brain before their mouth.

HesterShaw · 15/02/2018 12:44

Op, almost always, if not always, malicious remarks come from a place of jealousy and envy. The resentment they think they feel that you’re overpopulating the planet comes from the root of envy (you don’t deserve to have more than one child. I’m not having more than one, therefore you don’t deserve to have more than one). That is it in a nutshell.

I don't want to pick a fight, but it really really isn't. When I look at people with lots ofkids and wonder how they cope, it doesn't come from a place of envy! It might come from admiration if they appear to be well organised and well cared for and well brought up, or it might come from sadness if all doesn't seem well. But I'm certainly not envying them.

nannybeach · 15/02/2018 12:48

I also had 4, got sick of people asking me why I had so many, (2 marriages) my lte Father depanded to know why I was having yet, another, with my 2nd H who had none, I always aid I would have 6, as I was an only child and hated it. Got my lovelly 4, (2 miscarriages) wish I had had the other 2.

SandyY2K · 15/02/2018 12:51

I'd be pissed off if anyone said that to me...whether I had 1 child or 10. It's not for them to ask if I regret it.

My Dsis has 4...even when I used to see her struggle. .I wouldn't dream of making such a comment.

I would never by choice have had one child (I have 2 )..I don't question the choice of those who have an only. .. but it's not for me.

OverTheMountain42 · 15/02/2018 12:52

I don't think that 4 is a lot these days, is it still really classed as a big family?

I'm one of 6 but only have one myself. I have a friend with 5, it never comes into my mind if she wishes she hadn't had so many, and she never asks if I wish I had more, they are our kids and we're friends, you just accept what choice your friends make when it comes to their family. I think your friend is rude.

alotalotalot · 15/02/2018 12:53

You could choose to view it as rude and spiteful or you could choose to read it as just making conversation. My world is a happier place for me, when I just take things on a friendly face value.
People don't always say things exactly how they intend. It comes out wrong occasionally for everyone or a perfectly normal comment can be misinterpreted. There is no point taking offence unless it is very obviously spiteful and malicious. That doesn't seem like the intent here. Choose to interpret things giving the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. It makes for a happier life.

SandyY2K · 15/02/2018 12:56

"I don't know why you had 4, do you ever regret having so many?"

A good response would be... I missed you telling me you got the job of Chief family planning officer How's it going!

sallyandherarmy · 15/02/2018 13:00

My DM had 7 children by the time she was 26 years old.

I am the 2nd eldest.

She would have had more, but severe complications with the last one led to an hysterectomy at the age of 27.

I am now 57, elder DB would have been 59, and DM has just had her 75th birthday in January.

Big families are so rare these days and I'm surprised that people think that having 4 is a 'big family'. How times have changed!

SandyY2K · 15/02/2018 13:00

you could choose to read it as just making conversation

Not really. Asking if you regret having any big your children is beyond conversation. ..it's rude. ..but your objective view shows how different people think and why some people have the ability to speak without tact or sensitivity and think nothing of it.

I would bet if you made a comment about having an only she'd be sensitive about it.

alotalotalot · 15/02/2018 13:05

It's how you interpret it. I wouldn't assume that she was asking if you would regret an actual child with a personality that is already here. I would interpret it as being would you choose any random 4 children if you were to do it again. Perhaps I would think it could be worded a bit differently but I wouldn't assume it was rude. Some people seem very sensitive.

PiecesOfHate · 15/02/2018 13:21

That was really rude!

I met a friend I hadn't seen in approx 20 years at a wedding last year. He said, "So you had 3, then a gap and then 2 more. Why did you do that? I don't understand. Why on earth would you?" (or similar)

I was a bit gobsmacked. There was no jokey smile or anything. I wasn't sure how to respond. He also pointed out that one of my two younger DC is disabled, as if to illustrate my stupidity in having her.

That's the only time though. I feel better armed now though to face any future such comments.

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 13:24

It's definitely not said out of envy. She lives a very care free life, out every weekend, foreign holidays, I know she wouldn't want to be tied down with a load of kids as it's not her personality. Just think it was off to say it infront of them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 13:33

Oh and to answer a pps question yes I think four is considered a lot now certainly more than 20/30 years ago. I'm always met with alot of surprise for having four.. Whereas most of my mum and her friends had large families I don't personally know anyone in my age group with the same amount of kids as me, most have 1/2.

OP posts:

sirlee66 · 15/02/2018 13:45

I'd love to have 4!! After years of infertility, I'm currently pregnant with our first and I've we are ever lucky enough, we'd love to have more!!!

It was rude of your friend to blurt that out and maybe to her, 4 children is too much - to me 4 children is wonderful and you're lucky to be so blessed!

sirlee66 · 15/02/2018 13:46

I'd love to have 4!! After years of infertility, I'm currently pregnant with our first and I've we are ever lucky enough, we'd love to have more!!!

It was rude of your friend to blurt that out and maybe to her, 4 children is too much - to me 4 children is wonderful and you're lucky to be so blessed!

Perhaps she was a little jelous you have a bigger family?

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 15/02/2018 13:48

People are sometimes just gobsmackingly rude sometimes. When I was pregnant with #4 I met an old friend who said 'have you heard we're expecting number 3'? I said 'Wow that's amazing news congratulations! We're also in the club'! She quick as a flash replied 'planned'?
I mean just WHAT THE HELL?! I still find myself formulating responses now and he's almost 1!

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 15/02/2018 13:51

Apologies for all the 'sometimes' I'm clearly still apoplectic

eurgh2018 · 15/02/2018 13:54

As the mum of an only I agree with a PP and I do find it fascinating how people cope with more than 2, I personally don't think I could do it!

So I think asking questions out of genuine interest about how you find it, what made you want 4 DCs etc is ok?

But to ask someone if they "regret" having 4 is bloody rude, it comes across by inference that they weren't intentional and if someone suggested that about my DS I'd be inclined to tell them to fuck off

MuseumOfCurry · 15/02/2018 14:02

I have four and i tend to assume everyone is very envious of me.

Wrong.

I think it's a very good thing if people with big families are made to feel uncomfortable about their selfish choices every now and again, but I'd never have the nerve to say anything myself.

sirlee66 · 15/02/2018 14:05

@MuseumOfCurry Why do you think they are selfish?

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2018 14:08

I think she phrased it badly, but I suspect also she wasn't asking if you regret a given child. More she was watching the work involved in four children and just wondered why you chose it and if you had your time over would you do it again.

So where as I get the wording was rude and the phrasing and timing could have been better, it is probably a case your life is very different from hers and probably neither of you would chose thr others life. The difference is maybe you're politer or understand her choice better than she understands yours.

I don't think it's something to look down on though, maybe just something not immediately understandable for those of us who could have chose it and decided otherwise.

I wouldn't fall out over it unless she's got previous for this kind of thing. I wouldn't have been rude in response, but explained to her no uou don't and why you chose to have so many kids. I'm sure there are huge benefits of a big family that she can't see.

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2018 14:10

I don't understand why it's selfish either. As long as you can afford the kids and can support them, it's a personal choice.

Flip

1 2 3 4