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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends asking if I regret...

93 replies

Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 10:11

"Having so many kids" I was at my friends house yesterday and she just blurted it out. I wasn't even talking about them saying I found it hard/difficult or whatever (before someone thinks that's the reason.) she just came out with it. I was abit taken back (I have 4) aibu in thinking it's rude to ask someone this (infront of my children aswell.)

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/02/2018 14:22

It’s a bloody stupid and thoughtless thing to ask in front of your children. But if she’s very much set in her opinion of only wanting one it sounds like she’s trying to understand you on a matter that’s a big part of life and that she can’t get her head around. Which is quite nice really, albeit she does so with a very preconceived perspective.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 15/02/2018 14:24

I've got 4! I think the old: "Did you mean to be so rude?" would have been perfect here.

MakeItStopNeville · 15/02/2018 14:27

I have 4, most of my closest friends also have 3 or 4. I think I started instinctively hunting out larger families when they were little, as the invitations from smaller families dwindled!

I once got called a Power Breeder. Now, that was weird!

alotalotalot · 15/02/2018 14:45

See - A philosophical general discussion point between friends.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3168996-If-you-lived-your-life-again-would-you-have-kids-if-yes-how-many-same-or-less

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 15:23

I think for me it was the fact she said it infront of them, which was the worse part.

OP posts:

alotalotalot · 15/02/2018 15:27

I agree the in front of, was bad.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 15/02/2018 15:29

Museum you just did

gamerchick · 15/02/2018 15:37

Sounds to me given that it was blurted our like that, that your friend was finding it stressful having so many kids in her home at once and the top of her head lifted for a moment.

I had a friend who would bring her tribe with her and my heart would sink as I watched them drag all the toys out and demand drinks/snacks and wouldn’t give a minutes peace. I always left my kids at home when seeing friends.

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 15:45

Err SHE invited us for dinner. Does your friend usually just turn up uninvited then gamer chick? She knows I can't leave them at home I'm a single mum.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 15/02/2018 15:48

Doesn’t mean she wasn’t feeling stressed at that moment in time though does it? It certainly doesn’t mean she probably disapproves of your choices the way this thread is making out. Sometimes we just have a mind blurt on our exact feelings at that time.

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 15:55

She knew I was coming with my children. I didn't just show up. If she didn't want us there she wouldn't have invited us. She's entitled to feel what she wants but I said it was out of order infront of them.'

OP posts:

gamerchick · 15/02/2018 16:00

And she probably will again, it doesn’t have any baring on anything. Just try not to think she’s silently judging you for having 4 kids. I doubt the kids would have room much notice of a one off throwaway comment.

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 16:11

Like I said it's generally frowned upon with my social circle anyway so I know it's something she disapproves of but the comments aren't normally said infront of them.

OP posts:

Movablefeast · 15/02/2018 16:15

I don't even think of 4 as a big family tbh. My best friend has 6, I know a couple of families with 8 and 9. My young hair colorist is one of 12. I "just" have 3 and would have loved 4 or 5.

GinDoll · 15/02/2018 16:18

We have 5 between us. I veer from hinting it's too many ( when I'm paying for tickets to things) to thinking it's not enough. Fortunately DH has had he snip so my mad moments are covered. Honestly though I probably would have more otherwise even though originally I didn't want any 😆 as for your friend I've had ruder questions. I wouldn't be bothered by someone asking me

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 16:25

I thought the same mova as my mum had 6 so to me that's big but literally since having my 3rd I've had none stop comments about having a lot of kids, from Strangers and people I know.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2018 17:51

I think being a single mum to four is hard work. Could this be what is driving her comments maybe? She might not have meant it as it came across but I think many people would think is hard. Even going to dinner with your mate means five of you traipsing along.

I guess you know her best and maybe she was being judgemental and mean, but could she not simply have been enquiring because she was genuinely curious?

alotalotalot · 15/02/2018 19:07

I think so bluntness.
Also I suppose it depends on what level you relate to your friends. My friends and I can talk quite candidly to each other and we wouldn't think twice discussing that sort of thing probably not in front of the kids . I suppose it would be weirder if the friendship is on a more superficial level. Perhaps she thinks you are better friends than you do, op.

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