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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends asking if I regret...

93 replies

Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 10:11

"Having so many kids" I was at my friends house yesterday and she just blurted it out. I wasn't even talking about them saying I found it hard/difficult or whatever (before someone thinks that's the reason.) she just came out with it. I was abit taken back (I have 4) aibu in thinking it's rude to ask someone this (infront of my children aswell.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 11:06

Thanks. I'm glad people can see where I'm coming from as I don't really think is on the same level as "you got your hands full" or "how do you cope." you're actually asking if I wish I never had some of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 11:08

Yeh they can discuss these type of things if they person brings it up and says "I really regret having so many." Rather than the person asking you if you do. Well that's what I think anyway.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/02/2018 11:09

I have four and i tend to assume everyone is very envious of me. The only thing I would change would be having DS2 closer in age to the others; at 53 I'm a bit jaded with full on mothering and ideally would like a bit more freedom. DS2 is a great kid though.

alotalotalot · 15/02/2018 11:10

I'm sure she wasn't asking whether you would send any back - more if you were to go back in time, would you make the same decision again, knowing what you know now.

LoniceraJaponica · 15/02/2018 11:11

I'm not Tinkly. Two would have been my max if it had been at all possible.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 11:15

Yeh I think your right alota. I guess just in my social circle like I said it's frowned upon.

OP posts:
OrlandaFuriosa · 15/02/2018 11:29

I wanted four. Got 1. That 1 wanted siblings. Really grateful I had any. But would never say anything about too many.

CherryMaDeary · 15/02/2018 11:36

She was probably hoping you would say it's a nightmare so she could feel happy with her choices.

She is tactless and insensitive.

pringlecat · 15/02/2018 11:39

Only you know if she just phrased the question badly or meant it with a judgey undertone.

But bloody hell, that sort of discussion should be reserved for very good friends without little ears listening!

blueshoes · 15/02/2018 11:40

People who don't understand big families will be thinking it even if they don't say it. It sounds like she blurted it out.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/02/2018 11:42

Some people are just rude and insensitive. These are probably the same people who ask childless women "Do you regret not having children?" in a sympathetic voice.

What did she expect you to say? "Yes I regret my last child, worst mistake of my life actually aren't you Timmy?" Confused

I'm sure she'd be a bit put out if you asked "do you regret not giving your child any siblings?" It's a crass thing to say.

RedPanda2 · 15/02/2018 11:58

I am asked if I regret not having children a lot, so I ask if they regret having them. It's rude in both instances.
Thank you, House of Cards

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 12:03

Yeh I think it was meant in a judgy way as the exact sentence was "I don't know why you had 4, do you ever regret having so many?"

OP posts:
Estellanpip · 15/02/2018 12:10

It was rude then, no two ways about it.
It must have been to make her feel better about herself, which is quite pitiful really. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt unless she's always making jibes.

TheFirstMrsDV · 15/02/2018 12:13

I have five but they are a quite spread out so I don't tend to get comments when we are out. When I say I have five people tend to explode a bit.
I sometimes ask 'are they all yours?' but only because I don't want to assume. The parent could be a childminder for all I know.

LagunaBubbles · 15/02/2018 12:16

I have four and i tend to assume everyone is very envious of me

Why?

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 15/02/2018 12:16

The person that asked me if they were all mine was just someone in a lift, or a shop in passing. Do you normally ask strangers TheFirst? (Just wondering why it matters)

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Bowerbird5 · 15/02/2018 12:16

My best friend and I had six boys between us. We regularly went out with them and thought nothing of it but did get a few looks. They were all within a year - 18 mths of each other too. I went on to have a girl six years later and my friend helped look after her for a year while I was studying. They ( her boys) still ask after her and treated her as a little sister for a long time. We have a lovely relationship with them all. I even get to look after her grandchildren as I haven't any. I get to borrow hers as surrogate granny!

PookieSnackenberger · 15/02/2018 12:19

I have four and my all time favourite is when people ask if they all have the same father, as if that's just not possible Grin, especially with large age gaps.

She was rude within the context given. Some people just don't think before they speak.

CoffeeAndToffee · 15/02/2018 12:24

I have 4. When I get any comments about how many children I have my usual answer is to say that I'm only keeping 3 but I just haven't decided which 3 yet.

swampytiggaa · 15/02/2018 12:24

I have five children. Someone I classed as a friend told me that having anymore than 2 children was unnecessary. She couldn’t cope with her 2 at all- I cope very well with my 5 and often have extra children tagging on.

I no longer class her as a friend- I class her as a loon (there were other reasons too)

HesterShaw · 15/02/2018 12:26

Yes it was rude, though people with one or no children get asked the equivalent all the time!

CheshireChat · 15/02/2018 12:26

Why would anyone think it's ok to ask anything like that Shock.

I have 1 and occasionally think it would be great if he had someone his age to play with. Bet people with 4, think it's great how flexible you can be with one child and how you can fulfill some of their whims without much hassle.

HesterShaw · 15/02/2018 12:27

I have four and i tend to assume everyone is very envious of me

Er, no. They're not.

Lashalicious · 15/02/2018 12:33

Incredibly rude and spiteful. You should turn to her and say “and do you regret having only one?” And say, “which one of my children do you think I would regret having?”

“Do you regret having (all those children)” malice is much different than saying “how do you cope!” Which is totally understandable and is more admiration and commiserating with each other.

Op, almost always, if not always, malicious remarks come from a place of jealousy and envy. The resentment they think they feel that you’re overpopulating the planet comes from the root of envy (you don’t deserve to have more than one child. I’m not having more than one, therefore you don’t deserve to have more than one). That is it in a nutshell.