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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to share my family holiday with a friend?

124 replies

Everywhereilookaround · 14/02/2018 08:24

I feel bad even asking this question, but would appreciate thoughts.

I'm a lone parent and I'm planning a road trip with my DS this summer. Camping, lots time just the two of us, beautiful beaches and relaxed stress free adventure. DS has autism and i work full time. Life is generally pretty tough. This is our big adventure. Its life changing stuff and I just want to share it with DS.
My friend is coming, and is really excited. Thing is I didn't invite her, but she has been an absolute rock and I couldn't bear to hurt her feelings. I couldn't have survived without her.
DS adores her. However ...they do all the fun stuff together, while I mostly get told what a rubbish mum I am because I do the hard stuff. And believe me it's hard with autism.

When we all go out together it's usually fine, however I become the one left out, and shes makes decisions, go against what I say or disregards my parenting. I know i can't challenge this because they have such a great relationship and well... usually it's just for a day. I can step back and be quietly thankful to her for letting me have a rare quiet moment. Not many people would be so understanding of autism. I know that too having lost friends as DS has grown.

But a whole huge road trip.It changes it from a family holiday to something very different. I know I'm jealous and that's an ugly feeling, but I struggle to make ends meet, do all the hard work and still get the short straw when it comes to having DS spend time with me. Plus I won't be able to do all the stuff I wanted to with another person on board, that's more food, more cooking and less 1-1 time with my boy.
AIBU for not wanting to share that precious rare family time with someone so kind and generous to us.

OP posts:
SisterMoonshine · 15/02/2018 13:39

Yes stick to your guns on this - for your DS.
It sounds like the bonding time with you is very important here.

Jammycustard · 15/02/2018 13:40

Hope she’s reasonable.

margaritasbythesea · 15/02/2018 13:58

I want to know how this turns out for you OP. Read the thread when you first started it and really felt for you. I hope you get the holiday you want with DS and your friend behaves like a proper friend.

MissionItsPossible · 15/02/2018 14:03

I see you have sent the email, good for you. I was aghast at the advice asking could she not come on part of the holiday for a few days and then the rest you and your son. No! She might not leave, your son won't want her to leave and you'll end up being the bad guy who sent his friend home and the rest of the holiday would have probably been awful. If she suggests the couple of days idea, stay firm and say no.

TheRagingGirl · 15/02/2018 14:31

However ...they do all the fun stuff together, while I mostly get told what a rubbish mum I am because I do the hard stuff. And believe me it's hard with autism.
When we all go out together it's usually fine, however I become the one left out, and shes makes decisions, go against what I say or disregards my parenting.

YABU.

Maybe in a more extended time with you & your DS, she'll realise it's not all "Disney" parenting. And I think you probably need to have a heart to heart with her.

I have a friend who's a single parent with a DC who's ASD - very high functioning but tricky. I get on well with the DC, and I think that that helps just take the pressure cooker off her for a bit, but I would never knowingly cut across my friend's parenting decisions or rules.

Your friend needs to understand this, no matter how beholden you feel to her.

TheRagingGirl · 15/02/2018 14:38

ooooops, so sorry OP - I meant YADefinitelyNOTBU

Sorry!!!

Your friend needs to back off a bit.

I hope you have a lovely road trip with your DS. Flowers

Eatalot · 15/02/2018 16:14

Any reply op. Hope you stick to your guns you and your boy clearly need this.

Original poster
Everywhereilookaround · 15/02/2018 20:13

Nothing yet. After a day of DS screaming and stressed out at every minor detail or change I'm tempted to change the email to 'hey you take the roadtrip with DS and I'll go sleep in for a week'. She'll soon bring him back.
Anyway no reply yet. Either she's read it and hurt/cross/confused/relieved? or not read it yet. Maybe I should have just phoned her.

Still. Done now. I've accepted no matter what happens, it will be ok. I've said no and that's it.

Time for a glass of wine I reckon.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 15/02/2018 22:02

would/could she contact your DS direct without you knowing.... Flowers

Original poster
Everywhereilookaround · 16/02/2018 06:12

No i don't think she would do that, besides my DS doesn't have a phone or email, he's not able to talk on phone more than shouting hi or bye. He has autism and needs 1-1 care 24/7, so he's never alone. Anyway still no reply. Its affecting my sleep now so might just phone her tomorrow and get it over with.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 16/02/2018 09:55

I'm expecting that she will turn up on the morning of the trip "So excited! Email? Nope, didnt get one...."

Aeroflotgirl · 16/02/2018 10:00

She does not sound like a good friend if she undermines you and puts you down. Sit down have a chat, and tell her that, this holiday is just for you both. If she kicks up.a stink, really she is no friend. That is how it is! She dies not sound like she has boundaries. I would never invite myself anywhere unless asked.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/02/2018 11:01

She does sound like a Disney dad would, wanting the good bits, and leaving you with the rest.

Trinity66 · 16/02/2018 11:08

aww, tell her you want to go on your own and spend some one on one time with your son, if she has a problem with that then that tells you exactly the kind of person she is tbh

eddielizzard · 16/02/2018 11:43

def leave a day early and don't tell anyone! that way she can't gatecrash...

MipMipMip · 16/02/2018 11:58

Yes, definitely don't let her see you off if you don't want sulking!

Original poster
Everywhereilookaround · 16/02/2018 12:08

Oh that's funny. ..sneaking off stealth style to our own holiday 😂

I phoned her, she's ok. She was bit miffed at email, said she only wanted to help me and didn't realise she had done anything wrong accepting DS invitation. She assumed I would want her there too.

Anyway it's done. At the end she said she understood but was disappointed. And we agreed to go for lunch sometime soon.

I am grateful to her for her help,it's hard to explain in a message how much she has done for us.

But yeah. Boundaries.

Feeling relieved,thanks all x

OP posts:
MichaelBendfaster · 16/02/2018 12:13

Really glad it's worked out, OP, and it sounds as though you comported yourself brilliantly.

Perhaps treat her to that lunch and tell her it's to show her just how much you appreciate her friendship.

You all three sound quite awesome, TBH Grin You and your DS are going to have a wonderful trip.

Boulshired · 16/02/2018 12:15

Just be careful it easy for people to cut friends knowing they have enough or can make new ones. I have DS2 (11) who also has autism, DS1 (17) has a lovely relationship with his brother but it is loud, boisterous and it take me ages to calm DS2 down afterwards. It would be easier if they were calmer but in this time I can take a shower, load a dishwasher, social media. So I weigh it up and the annoyance is worth the reward. Work on the boundaries and the friendship.

Fionne · 16/02/2018 12:16

OP, I understand your need for this holiday with your son but please dont underestimate how difficult it could be on a road trip with your son on a 1-1 basis. I speak from experience as the mum of a now young man who's severely autistic. Is there any way you could maybe have your friend join you for a few days? And what do you have in place by way of contingency plans for an emergency?

Boulshired · 16/02/2018 12:16

Sorry x posted, that’s great

AgathaF · 16/02/2018 12:43

I'm glad it's worked out. Just be aware that she might stir it a bit with your son now.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/02/2018 12:46

Oh good! I'm very glad to be proved wrong 😄

But- watch out. Big boundaries, be careful with not giving he too much info on the holiday and back right off. It would be better for your son to wind down this odd 'friendship'

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 16/02/2018 13:09

Good for you - sounds like you've managed the situation well.

I was a bit worried by all the voices on this thread shouting "she's not your friend" and advising you to dump her. My friends and relatives are all pretty imperfect (as am I) but this does not mean they are not of massive value in mine and DS's life. I can easily believe that she thought she was doing you a favour, because personally I would absolutely dread taking DS away for a week with no other company. He would be bored and I would get no respite whatsoever.

You are the best judge of how much she benefits your and your son's life - I say meet her for lunch soon before you both have time to overthink and things become awkward. It is too easy for friends to become alienated where feelings have been hurt.

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