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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to share my family holiday with a friend?

124 replies

Everywhereilookaround · 14/02/2018 08:24

I feel bad even asking this question, but would appreciate thoughts.

I'm a lone parent and I'm planning a road trip with my DS this summer. Camping, lots time just the two of us, beautiful beaches and relaxed stress free adventure. DS has autism and i work full time. Life is generally pretty tough. This is our big adventure. Its life changing stuff and I just want to share it with DS.
My friend is coming, and is really excited. Thing is I didn't invite her, but she has been an absolute rock and I couldn't bear to hurt her feelings. I couldn't have survived without her.
DS adores her. However ...they do all the fun stuff together, while I mostly get told what a rubbish mum I am because I do the hard stuff. And believe me it's hard with autism.

When we all go out together it's usually fine, however I become the one left out, and shes makes decisions, go against what I say or disregards my parenting. I know i can't challenge this because they have such a great relationship and well... usually it's just for a day. I can step back and be quietly thankful to her for letting me have a rare quiet moment. Not many people would be so understanding of autism. I know that too having lost friends as DS has grown.

But a whole huge road trip.It changes it from a family holiday to something very different. I know I'm jealous and that's an ugly feeling, but I struggle to make ends meet, do all the hard work and still get the short straw when it comes to having DS spend time with me. Plus I won't be able to do all the stuff I wanted to with another person on board, that's more food, more cooking and less 1-1 time with my boy.
AIBU for not wanting to share that precious rare family time with someone so kind and generous to us.

OP posts:
witchofzog · 14/02/2018 09:13

She makes decisions without you and disregards your parenting. Just no. Who does she think she Is? It's almost like you have a bit of Stockholm Syndrome with this "friend". Please put your foot down, not just for now but also for the future. The first no will be the hardest. But if you don't say no now this will only get harder as ds gets older and you will always regret the holiday that wasn't what you hoped and needed it to be.

Emailing her might be a good idea as suggested above but don't let her talk you round. She is not your sons parent and it is not her right to come. If she is a good friend she will understand you need this time alone. If she doesn't she isn't a friend

CoraPirbright · 14/02/2018 09:13

From your OP: but I struggle to make ends meet, do all the hard work and still get the short straw when it comes to having DS spend time with me

I think this is the bit you need. If she is any sort of friend, she will understand and bow out of the holiday that she invited herself on. Any other reaction...and you know she isnt really your friend. When are you going? Do it sooner rather than later so that she has time to make other arrangements if she wants to.

mindutopia · 14/02/2018 09:14

Your friend sounds like a horror. I would send her an email/text or meet up to talk about it in person (if you think you can do that) and just tell her that you've been doing some thinking about your trip and you want it to just be the two of you. End of. You don't need to apologise. He's your child. You make the rules. I personally would probably start to distance myself and him from her as this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for either of you, no matter how much you feel she has helped in the past. It isn't normal for friends to intervene in parenting relationships.

whiskyowl · 14/02/2018 09:17

Can you do a compromise, where she comes for a weekend and you go on alone for the next week? That way, she gets included but you also get some alone time. She should understand the need for bonding time if she's a mate!

Fairenuff · 14/02/2018 09:17

Are you sure you won't want someone along to help at any point? If you're camping, will you be putting up the tent with everything that involves and packing everything away again a few days later?

Doing that and all the driving too might be very tiring. How long will you be going for?

If you really don't want her to come then, yes, I agree with everyone else. You have to tell her. If she is a friend she'll understand.

StilettosAreANoNo · 14/02/2018 09:25

I was also going to say Yadnbu and that she doesn’t sound a nice friend at all.

I am in awe of parents who manage additional needs of their children. No one should ever undermine a parent who does so, last of all someone who is supposed to be their friend.

I don’t like it when anyone tries to crack on in front of children that mum is being an old grump for saying no to whatever, but especially when only you fully understand the reasons for the decisions you need to make.

Holidays are precious: definitely have that chat. If she takes umbrage then so be it. I’m not so sure she’s as understanding of the situation as she makes out and is possibly not such a rock as she has made you believe.

MiddleAgedMe · 14/02/2018 09:28

You need this time with your child, completely agree with other posters that she shouldn't join you. She clearly gets plenty of quality time with him while you do the grunt work so explain that to her. If she can't understand your need to re connect with your child then she's controlling and needy rather than kind and helpful! Good luck and have a fab road trip with the boy!!

GnotherGnu · 14/02/2018 09:44

How did it come about that she's coming? Can you have a discussion based on that conversation and point out gently that she wasn't asked and you'd be really grateful if she would step back just this once?

Boulshired · 14/02/2018 09:51

It sounds at some point your friend became a internal part of your family life and boundaries have been blurred. She interferes but at times you are thankful for the respite this gives you. I can see why she has developed into a partners voice rather than a friends. It is time to reinforce the boundaries.

sundowners · 14/02/2018 09:53

Nothing is more important than you or your son in this and having the amazing sounding, and potentially incredibly bonding, memory making experience this would be.
Really also feel she should not be coming! Agree with others, she sounds pretty selfish and hard work tbh, and if she came you would not have the special time with your son you want and need and it wouldn't be the holiday you had planned. Br brave/tough, you need to talk to her and maybe suggest a different kind of holiday ie. short cottage break later in year etc that you could all go on, but this very special road trip was intended as a bonding experience for you and DS and it needs to stay that way.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 14/02/2018 10:00

I remember planning a big solo trip in my twenties. A friend was also planning something similar. We got carried away in the heat of the moment and said 'Let's travel together'. Neither of us meant it. Luckily when I plucked up the courage to tell her that I really wanted to do this on my own, she was building up to say exactly the same thing.

Be honest, say this is a time for me and my boy and it is important that we have this time together. Don't leave any room for negotiation. Focus on the trip and the fact that it is just for you and your son, do not enter discussions about other holidays unless a vague commitment to perhaps do something together next year.

norfolkenclue · 14/02/2018 10:02

I'm trying to understand how this got from your 'family' holiday to your 'all inclusive friend' holiday without you saying, hold on a minute, this isn't happening! How did she suddenly get in on the act? I've never booked a holiday for my family and then found a 'friend' has become part of the deal! Bewildering 😮 Just tell her she's not, and never was, invited.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/02/2018 10:12

Send the email sooner, rather than later, then it's done.
To me, she sounds very much, out for herself.
Go and make some fabulous memories with your DS, and don't let her talk you round. You need this valuable time together.🌺

IJustLostTheGame · 14/02/2018 10:13

You need to be honest OP and say you really just wanted a holiday with just you and your ds.

She sounds like a crappy friend anyway if she undermines your parenting and will be expecting ypubto provide all the food etc

Petalflowers · 14/02/2018 10:18

How long is the trip for? Can you do mom-fri with your son, then the weekend with friend as well?

Chugalug · 14/02/2018 10:25

How is she kind and generous? She undermines you,makes you feel crap,leaves you out, goes against what you say....yeah great friend you have there🙄..so you put up with this for a break?? That's your choice..and it's your choice to allow her to come on holiday..you can say no.

StormTreader · 14/02/2018 10:30

Sounds like shes stepped into the Disney Dad role - gets to do all the fun stuff that your hard work has laid the foundations for.

eddielizzard · 14/02/2018 10:47

she sounds really overbearing. who's telling you you're a bad mum? she is? she's not all that great a friend... sounds to me like she's just enjoying swanning in, having a good time and leaving you to pick up the pieces.

i'd be telling her she's not going on your holiday. i don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

i think she will have her nose put out of joint. brace yourself for the fall out but stand your ground. this situation sounds untenable.

OnTheRise · 14/02/2018 10:50

She doesn't sound like a friend to me.

She ignores your parenting boundaries, she criticises you as a parent to your child, she gets your child to side with her against you, she invites herself along on trips you've planned... She's rude, she's overly critical, and she ignores your wishes and rules for your own child.

Tell her she can't come on your trip.

If she finds that offensive she shouldn't have invited herself in the first place.

EggsMilkandFlourPancakePower · 14/02/2018 10:54

I hope you find the courage to have the holiday with your DS that you truly want. It's up to you only.

SandAndSea · 14/02/2018 11:04

I think I might suggest sending her a text along these lines:

"Can we have a chat soon about the holiday? I've realised that I'd really like it to be just me and DS this year. Maybe we could arrange a fun day out for the 3 of us when we get back? X"

You don't actually have to arrange the day out, it's a softener and it buys you time. Also, there's nothing really to chat about cos you've said it all in the text, which will make the chat easier when that happens. (You can say you'd like some quality time with him, which is hard to argue with.)

blueskyinmarch · 14/02/2018 11:06

I agree that you need to tell her. Please don't go and be resentful. If she can join you at some point that may be a good compromise and you might be ready for a little respite and adult company.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/02/2018 11:09

Wow, no! WTF? Sounds like you are getting stitched up like a kipper here as regards this 'friendship'.

Couldn't have survived without her? REALLY?? You sure about that?!

Because from here it sounds like the classic self-esteem attacker - ooooh you couldn't possibly manage without me and all I do, after all, what a shit parent you are, sooo lucky DS has me too...'

That's what I kind of get from your OP. I'm sure there's more to it - but she sounds the OPPOSITE of an essential support. Overrides your parenting. Bosses you around. Takes over with your DS.

You sound a perfectly good parent and I'm going to hazard a guess that you would manage perfectly well without this undermining bossy boots swooping in and taking over, all the while telling you how you can't manage. So much so you believe it - vicious circle as she takes over more and more.

Lots of people have this dynamic with abusive, domineering parents who won't let go when their children grow up.

You're clearly a fairly passive person so I can imagine this is hard, but for your DS's sake too - please put a stop to this! It's bad for him too - absolutely AWFUL for him to absorb that his mum is crap, and he can't manage without Bossy Boots elbowing her way into his family. She is interfering with his relationship with you - really quite disturbing.

Tell us more about the dynamic and the situation with the holiday and you'll get good advice here on how to prevent her coming without it being too difficult for you to manage - and then how to cut down on contact.

This person is NOT your friend. She's the opposite of a good support - she's your weak link.

Wintertime4 · 14/02/2018 11:10

You are going to have to take a big, big deep breath and tell her.

You can’t really blame her for wanting to come. Our relationships are based on a kind of dance where we meet in the middle of our expectations. She probably thinks she’s being kind!

So you are going to have to take her rejection now and take responsibility. You are going to hurt her feelings. But better that than resenting her.

It’s ok to be assertive but it takes practice.

BewareOfDragons · 14/02/2018 11:10

Be blunt. Tell her you don't know how she thought 'inviting herself' on your holiday was on, but that you didn't invite her and she's not coming.

She is not your friend.

Based on what you have written, she is not your friend. Please open our eyes and see that and don't worry about her reaction.