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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to share my family holiday with a friend?

124 replies

Everywhereilookaround · 14/02/2018 08:24

I feel bad even asking this question, but would appreciate thoughts.

I'm a lone parent and I'm planning a road trip with my DS this summer. Camping, lots time just the two of us, beautiful beaches and relaxed stress free adventure. DS has autism and i work full time. Life is generally pretty tough. This is our big adventure. Its life changing stuff and I just want to share it with DS.
My friend is coming, and is really excited. Thing is I didn't invite her, but she has been an absolute rock and I couldn't bear to hurt her feelings. I couldn't have survived without her.
DS adores her. However ...they do all the fun stuff together, while I mostly get told what a rubbish mum I am because I do the hard stuff. And believe me it's hard with autism.

When we all go out together it's usually fine, however I become the one left out, and shes makes decisions, go against what I say or disregards my parenting. I know i can't challenge this because they have such a great relationship and well... usually it's just for a day. I can step back and be quietly thankful to her for letting me have a rare quiet moment. Not many people would be so understanding of autism. I know that too having lost friends as DS has grown.

But a whole huge road trip.It changes it from a family holiday to something very different. I know I'm jealous and that's an ugly feeling, but I struggle to make ends meet, do all the hard work and still get the short straw when it comes to having DS spend time with me. Plus I won't be able to do all the stuff I wanted to with another person on board, that's more food, more cooking and less 1-1 time with my boy.
AIBU for not wanting to share that precious rare family time with someone so kind and generous to us.

OP posts:
MotherofaSurvivor · 14/02/2018 23:51

Any reply OP? X

MsPavlichenko · 15/02/2018 00:04

It may be you have left one abusive relationship to find yourself in another. Allbeit non romantic.
She is behaving towards you much as a controlling partner or ex partner might. Using your DC to dictate and control. Her own background may explain but not excuse this.

She may love your DS and him her. That doesn"t mean she is a good person to be in his life. Her response to you will be telling. If she doesn't accept your suggestion and/or she tries to manipulate you via your DS I"d be thinking seriously about any future friendship.

If you haven't looked at the Freedom Programme think about it.

alotalotalot · 15/02/2018 00:10

Just tell her the truth- that you hope this will bond you together as at the moment there is a disconnect.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 15/02/2018 00:16

YANBU. She sounds bizarre, who accepts the invitation of a kid to go on holiday with him and his parent? Perhaps she didn't want to rain on his parade but is not expecting to go?
Also, the bit where she ignores and undermines you in front of your DS, does she enjoy the power trip? Is she your friend or your DS's friend?

Motoko · 15/02/2018 01:06

I've got a bad feeling about her OP. I think she's dangerous.

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2018 01:06

I do hope you haven't left yourself open to her taking over anyway and outstaying her welcome...

Terfinater · 15/02/2018 02:01

This is not normal behaviour at all and undermining your parenting is abusive behaviour. Lots of people have had a hard life and don't have family, it's really no excuse.

I agree with others that she sounds dangerous.

Thursdaydreaming · 15/02/2018 03:09

Don't worry OP. She might be relieved to hear this.

Is it possible her version of events is something like:
I have a best friend and get on great with her son as well. Her son asked me to come on a trip with them and he was excited so I said yes. But thinking about it, I don't have much leave this year and I actually had something else planned. What can I do?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2018 03:48

Here’s hoping she will take the message in the spirit it’s meant. 🤞

Counterpane · 15/02/2018 04:20

I agree with Nanny0gg.

Don't let her come on the trip at all, because once it is underway she will make sure your DS kicks off if you try to send her home.

Shadow666 · 15/02/2018 04:29

Good luck! It’s not an easy conversation to have but you’re doing the right thing.

AdiosPeaceOfRoast · 15/02/2018 04:43

Some people like to be friends with people they perceive ‘need them’ as it allows them to cast themselves in that role of great friend, supporter etc etc, both when with you and when talking to others.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s like this. I’ve noticed that friends like this tend to get pissed off when you’re no longer in that position of ‘need’ from their perspective - in a relationship etc, so I’d watch out here.

DazzlingMilton · 15/02/2018 05:03

Hope you get a good reply, I would suggest the “few days together” is at another time. Don’t let her overshadow your holiday, it seems like she’s using your ds to
Inflate her own ego at your expense. I would also caution against getting too close to this girl. I think you need set times / activities when she joins you (eg she always comes for lunch on x day, swims etc) and stick to those boundaries. It’s not healthy for her to keep undermining you like this.

AgathaF · 15/02/2018 07:52

I hope she takes it well, but if she doesn't then you know what type of friend she really is. Or isn't.

ladymariner · 15/02/2018 08:22

Fingers crossed for you, op, but not sure how she'll take it. Think she may try to overrule you. I hope not. This is a time for you and your boy.

Original poster
Everywhereilookaround · 15/02/2018 10:48

Thanks all, I don't think she's dangerous, her hearts in the right place, albeit bit skewed. She's been a friend for nearly 20 years, i know her quite well. She's just very lonely and has crossed a line. No reply yet. The comment about her telling DS 'mum doesn't want me to come' and 'now we can have FUN' made me laugh....I can hear her voice saying it now. Don't worry I learned a lot from being in abusive relationship, I can stand up for me and DS, just feel so guilty about not wanting her there, and my jealous feelings. I hate conflict. I'm pleased I'm not being unreasonable feeling this way. Big girl pants are on!

OP posts:
Motoko · 15/02/2018 11:16

Your jealous feelings are natural. You're your son's mother, and should be the most important person in his life, but she's put herself in the role. If you didn't feel jealous, there would be something wrong with you. So don't feel any guilt about that.

But I do get a bad feeling from what you've described here. When your DS asked her on the holiday, normal people would have deflected, not gone along with it, especially as he has ASD. She also goes against YOUR parenting. That's the sort of thing a nasty grandparent or disgruntled NRP does, not someone who is supposed to be your friend, even if they don't agree with your parenting style.

You need to keep her at arms length, to reduce her influence on your DS.

DonaldDroop · 15/02/2018 11:52

Good luck OP. She sounds toxic.

wizzywig · 15/02/2018 11:56

Obmnly read page 1. Could this be your chance for a break if your friend likes taking over your child? Also you run the risk of losing this friendship if you tell her to back off.

TitaniasCloset · 15/02/2018 12:38

Well done for sending the message.

HomeHand · 15/02/2018 13:12

She sounds like a divorced dad. Disney style.

Hope she understands though and doesn't go all drama llama.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/02/2018 13:22

Don't worry I learned a lot from being in abusive relationship, I can stand up for me and DS

if that were true, you wouldn't be feeling like this -

just feel so guilty about not wanting her there, and my jealous feelings. I hate conflict.

  • No, you'd be feeling pretty angry, and keen to make sure that this fairly toxic person was from now on kept well away from your son. Really. You need to get rid, before she affects your relationship with him any further.
FizzyGreenWater · 15/02/2018 13:25

I am going to make a prediction that she will not like this one bit. She will have read your message. She will be pondering how to manipulate you into backtracking.

Come back and let us know how she handles it. I predict:

  • woe is me email, but carefully done - 'You know I just want the best for you, and to help'
  • bringing your DS into it 'So hard - he would really want me there - how can you deny him
  • trying to discuss/bemoaning it in front of your DS.
  • trying to push for coming for a short while and at the beginning.
Petalflowers · 15/02/2018 13:32

I agree with Fizzy that she will make it sound like a favour to you by her coming,

Enjoy your holiday.

Motoko · 15/02/2018 13:34

As always, I completely agree with Fizzy.