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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to share my family holiday with a friend?

124 replies

Everywhereilookaround · 14/02/2018 08:24

I feel bad even asking this question, but would appreciate thoughts.

I'm a lone parent and I'm planning a road trip with my DS this summer. Camping, lots time just the two of us, beautiful beaches and relaxed stress free adventure. DS has autism and i work full time. Life is generally pretty tough. This is our big adventure. Its life changing stuff and I just want to share it with DS.
My friend is coming, and is really excited. Thing is I didn't invite her, but she has been an absolute rock and I couldn't bear to hurt her feelings. I couldn't have survived without her.
DS adores her. However ...they do all the fun stuff together, while I mostly get told what a rubbish mum I am because I do the hard stuff. And believe me it's hard with autism.

When we all go out together it's usually fine, however I become the one left out, and shes makes decisions, go against what I say or disregards my parenting. I know i can't challenge this because they have such a great relationship and well... usually it's just for a day. I can step back and be quietly thankful to her for letting me have a rare quiet moment. Not many people would be so understanding of autism. I know that too having lost friends as DS has grown.

But a whole huge road trip.It changes it from a family holiday to something very different. I know I'm jealous and that's an ugly feeling, but I struggle to make ends meet, do all the hard work and still get the short straw when it comes to having DS spend time with me. Plus I won't be able to do all the stuff I wanted to with another person on board, that's more food, more cooking and less 1-1 time with my boy.
AIBU for not wanting to share that precious rare family time with someone so kind and generous to us.

OP posts:

elisenbrunnen · 14/02/2018 11:42

How did she invite herself? Was it kind of 'mentioned' and she went 'oooh great! I'll pack my picnic stuff'?

In which case, if nothing was actually asked, agreed and sorted, you just casually mention to her next time you see her 'So do you have any plans for when I am away with dc? Are you going away/doing anything nice?'

If she says she thought she was coming, you say you and dc are planning a bit of 1-2-1 time, so sorry....

Or she may just get the hint.

ChasedByBees · 14/02/2018 11:45

How is it that she thinks she’s coming and how long till you go?

A good friend wouldn’t undermine you.

FilledSoda · 14/02/2018 11:51

This friend is on some sort of power trip OP

Cagliostro · 14/02/2018 12:17

She sounds domineering. How did she end up convinced she’s coming? If you actually did ask/invite her at some point then I guess you have to honour it but it doesn’t sound like that happened so YANBU at all.

She doesn’t seem like much of a friend

Original poster

Everywhereilookaround · 14/02/2018 17:11

Hi all. Wow thanks for all your responses. Some made me laugh, (and after the day I've had I really needed that!) You are all spot on. overwhelmingly I'm reassured that it's ok to feel the way I do. I just needed to know I'm not a total cow for wanting this special time all to myself. I hear you all... I need to be honest. It's very hard. I was in an abusive relationship and she helped me out of it, she's not a bad person, but yes, boundaries ...I hear that. She doesn't have kids herself and I guess it's hard to understand unless you do. I do care very much for her tho. I think when you are a lone parent people see you differently.

My DS invited her, then they got all excited about sharing a tent together and I guess my heckles went up. He adores her. Right now he hates me...I know he doesn't really, but it's all I hear day in day out. When we are in the car together he changes, he is calm, happy, enjoys life watching everything whizz past the window, clouds and fields keep him happy.

Right, I will be brave. I like the suggestion of just doing a bit with friend, that way it's only few days and I still get a week to ourselves.

Thank you all so much x

Deep breathe.. typing email now.....!

OP posts:

Paleblue · 14/02/2018 17:18

I am a lone parent. My ds has autism. We can't afford many trips away so when we do go away the time together is very precious. Every year we go away for at least three or four nights just the two of us. I would explain to your friend how you feel about the holiday.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/02/2018 17:19

Good luck. At least you can point out to her that it is her 'friendship' with your DS that has confused his boundaries... resulting in an invitation she should have known to check with you!

Paleblue · 14/02/2018 17:26

Good luck.

MsWanaBanana · 14/02/2018 17:26

Good luck OP keep us posted. You’re doing the right thing and o think this trip will do both of you the world of good and you will bond a lot better if it’s just the two of gou

Rudgie47 · 14/02/2018 17:31

Is it just me or is it a bit strange someone wanting to go on holiday with a friend and their child? Surely she would want to go on holiday with her own family.
I'd just say like others have said, its a change of plans just me and my child now as I want quality time alone with my son. She should understand. I'd also have better boundaries with her when you come back, pull her up if shes being rude and undermining.To be honest she sounds a right cow.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/02/2018 17:32

Really she is not good for your DS.

I would try not to do a bit with 'friend' - I think after the few days are up she would use your DS to manipulate her way in for the whole time.

Her behaviour with him is really inappropriate, by the way. Getting him excited about her coming along and then presenting that to you so you are pressured into it? Sounds like she's using your DS, and you too, to fill a need in herself. It's clear that she's manipulative and very often, these people home in on those they can see are susceptible, like those coming out of abusive relationships ☹️.

I don't like the sound of her at all, OP. I have a feeling that if you were to cut her out, you might see a change in your DS's attitude towards you. Sounds like she tries to get him 'on side' at your expense. Just a different kind of abuse... be very careful of her.

Inertia · 14/02/2018 17:32

If it were me, I'd have the friend joining at the end of the holiday rather than having the drama of her leaving/ using emotional blackmail to stay.

Snowydaysarehere · 14/02/2018 17:36

I would plan a day out totally separate from the holiday - would she be trusted to keep to a day or two?

teaandtoast · 14/02/2018 17:37

I wouldn't even have her at the end.

She has overstepped massively, imo. A good friend wouldn't act like she does.
Also, you don't want her being ds's focus all through the holiday, ie 'when is x coming? This is boring' etc. And then when she gets there 'Hi ds, at last we can have some FUN!' etc.

Maybe it wouldn't be like that, maybe it's not deliberate on her part, but if you think there's a grain of truth there, don't have her there.
This is your and ds's time, not time for you to be a third wheel.

Thistlebelle · 14/02/2018 17:43

An adult doesn’t accept an invitation from a child without checking with the parent. Ever.

Regardless of whether she has children she should know this.

With kindness OP you need to practice saying “no”.

LittleSwede · 14/02/2018 17:52

I think FizzyGreenWater has hit the nail on the spot, much better formulated than what I was going to attempt to write. Sum sit up really.

And this is from someone who was once in an abusive relationship, leaves you very vulnerable to manipulative 'friends'.

Would love a holiday with DD (also autistic) but she's only 3 yo so might wait until older...

elisenbrunnen · 14/02/2018 18:52

Another saying - watch her, OP.

The longer this goes on, the worse it will be for your ds in the long run. If she continues to undermine you and your parenting, when he hits teenage years, and she is playing you off, it will be awful. Nip it in the bud now.

Back off from her.

It sounds like you are so grateful to her from 'sticking by you', for remaining a friend when others have turned their backs, for being good with ds - but she needs to be good for you too.

Take another look at her, without the 'gratitude' and neediness.

Original poster

Everywhereilookaround · 14/02/2018 20:27

Thanks all. I know she's stepped well over the mark, I know she's pushed boundaries, but I also know her life has not been easy either. She doesn't have a family, so hard for her to know right from wrong I guess. I do think her heart is I'm the right place. I've sent the email saying I would love to spend a few days with her, but the trips for me and DS. Fingers crossed. X

OP posts:

witchofzog · 14/02/2018 20:34

Good on you for sending it. Hope everything goes ok

Fishface77 · 14/02/2018 20:40

BE prepared for the emotional blackmail op.
She will bad mouth you to your son and say things like “mummy said I can’t come” and “we would have had such fun but mummy’s mean”.
If she starts that then totally uninvite her.

Snowydaysarehere · 14/02/2018 20:51

Well done op - was just about to send you links to big girl's pants!

BewareOfDragons · 14/02/2018 22:48

If she's the friend you think she is, she'll completely understand.

If she doesn't, she lacks boundaries and you need to put them back in. Just because she helped you once, yes, in a serious way, doesn't mean she gets to treat you as less capable.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/02/2018 22:58

Good for you! She's a cheeky thing and really isn't a good friend.

bostonkremekrazy · 14/02/2018 23:07

Gemini69 · 14/02/2018 23:14

this is very difficult OP... I'm glad you're taking the bull by the horns .. good luck and do not give cave to pressure

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