Can't cope with his party

[sheeponhugs]

My DP Of 18 years has a birthday party at our house EVERY year! I get so anxious about it and I hate it, I know it sounds ridiculous but I just find it so stressful, usually about 30 people come and I hate the whole thing, I never sleep for days before so I worry about that and how am I going to stay up as it usually goes on until at least 2am. I wake up in the night panicking, heart racing.
Now even though I ask him if he could have drinks at a pub instead or a break away he feels really disappointed and makes me feel bad and I can't help or understand why it causes me so much stress.
It is coming up again in a month and I am already stressed, despite him knowing this he still wants to have his party. I don't know how to make it okay and I end up hating him for doing this to me as I would never want someone to feel like this. He just doesn't get it.

Any advice?

Btw it’s perfectly reasonable to ask people not to smoke weed. Some people are not comfortable being around drugs and it’s fine to ask the others not to do it at the party.

There is definitely more to this than just a party. I'm not a massive fan of big parties. But I go, show my face, and leave. I don't spend the month before waking up with my heart racing. That is not a normal response. She could say 'I really can't be bothered/feel it's an invasion' but she hasn't. She is genuinely increasing anxious about it. And she doesn't know why. There is something else going on. That's my opinion anyway.
(Disclaimer I have anxiety which I am medicated for. I know how it feels and it's awful, which is why I'm suggesting she go to the gp)

And completely agree with ChristmasCakes

Bottom line is I think a bday party once a year is a reasonable request. Your disproportionate reaction to it is ultimately your issue to sort out. That you haven’t is not your partner’s fault.

Yes there may be a culture clash. New friends are great people and we do loads together but have different history to us and fairly straight where as we were out at party's a lot (ironically) 10 years ago and our old friends are from the party era, me and DP rarely go out now and don't take any drugs but it is very normal for our old friends to do this and can't really stop them.
One new friend has made comments about our old friends and I know they don't agree with them smoking weed etc.
I still enjoy going out when we do and I am a sociable person but I hate this party at ours, I can't work out if it's the friends or what really. It's helpful to get some perspective so thank you.
Lottie all that makes a lot of sense and makes me feel a bit better thanks. I don't think they respond differently to me, though one new friend did once say that I have so many sides to me, not sure what that meant hmm

Yes, I should say, I wouldn't be allowing smoking in my home at all, ever, weed or otherwise. It seems unusual these days that you would. But we never have, so it's a different situation.

My reason for suggesting counselling is that hyper-sensitivity to what others think, especially when it tips into imagining that they might be thinking badly of you and limiting your life as a result, is a common symptom of depression. I just think it might be worth OP exploring her anxiety and seeing if she can understand it better, or if there's anything useful that could be done, like CBT. Perhaps this isn't that, quite probably not. But, she mentions it creeping into other celebrations too and if there are any techniques that she might find useful, why not find out about them?

OP, you can do, whatever you want.
Can you sit down one last time, and calmly explain to your DH, how his party affects you. Maybe if he lowered the number of guests, you would cope better.
If you really can't bear the thought of it, and it's making you ill, and your DH isn't prepared to compromise, or change the venue, you should go elsewhere for the night.
If it's the weed that bothers you, put your foot down.

They smoke outside. It's not the weed that bothers me.

Ah, cross-post. Sorry if I sound like I'm suggesting you have a bigger problem than you do, or medicalising it. I was just trying to a 'why on earth should she seek counselling' post. Essentially I'm arguing that knowledge is power so why not seek it, not that there's anything 'wrong' with you.

I might try counselling as I can access this for free through my job, I can't help thinking that everything would be fine if it wasn't for this party though

Argh 'responding to a'

How would he respond to you asking for a few limits to be set ie no men on the sofa in the morning (he can pay for their taxis), a midnight curfew, no weed? After all, its not unreasonable to want to leave those things behind as you get older (especially if there are dc around).

Don’t worry what the new friends think about your old friends smoking weed - if they are not happy with it, they can decline the invite this year (they might).

I also think you need to talk to your GP. Your attitude is not rational and not reasonable to the circumstances you have described (one party a year, that your DP does nearly all the work for, that doesn't involve your house being trashed and that you quite enjoy once it's happening.)

I think the danger is that if your DP indulges you over the party, you will find something else to worry whine and stress about. It's something that can happen with some anxiety disorders: remove one cause of anxiety and the disorder seeks out another one.

I have different 'types' of friends too, and I know what you mean, I probably wouldn't choose to mix them all together either.

But, having said that, I think the crux of it is that you're worrying too much what other people think. You both sound lovely and I'm sure if those friends came last year, then if they turn up this year, most likely that means that they enjoyed themselves. It sounds like a fun party! Let people judge, you need to accept that you can't control what other people think. You're only responsible for your own behaviour!

Try and say hello to everyone at the party to begin with but then socialise with whoever you want to after that and try and enjoy yourself. They're all adults presumably and can make their own decisions as to whether to attend, when to leave etc etc

Either that or put your foot down for once with dh.

While I think your anxiety around this needs addressing I am surprised your DH still insists on this every year. If that was my partner I'd give it a miss for a year/make alternative arrangements if it was making them that stressed. That's what a relationship is about surely?!

What's neurotic about hating having a party in your house?

I would rather have root canal work done.

In 100% agreement with the above.

OP, I don't think you're neurotic at all. It sounds like absolute hell having all of those people in your home not just for one evening, but some of them are there the following day!!! It's how I recall acting as a teenager, drink loads and crash on a sofa.

The thing I find the most weird is your DH's need to have a birthday house party every year with him knowing how much anxiety this causes you coming a close second.

Aren't relationships about compromise? Keep the yearly party, change the venue is more than a reasonable and achievable compromise.

IMHO, it's him that's BU, not you.

As he knows how much you dread it, could you negotiate a night away while he has his precious party with his mates? You could even help get things set up if you like and then bugger off for peace and relaxation somewhere else..either by yourself or with a friend. No point getting yourself worked up every single year.

It seems then OP you have anxiety (it's keeping you awake for nights in the lead up to it) over a new friend who made comments about your old friends.

I thin this is about you feeling judged by this new friend, and that is something to be looked into. Do you feel comfortable around this friend? Do you feel you fit in with them and can be "you"?

everything would be fine if it wasn't for this party

Everything would also be fine if you were OK with your old friends and new friends being in a room together.

And you are OK with it on the night, you're just unable to control your worry about it beforehand.

They almost certainly are not judging you anywhere near as harshly as you think they are.

I really think you should seek some therapy.

Focus on shame and its role in your life.

If this is the only day of the year that gives you anxiety OP, then I can't see that you would need therapy.
Parties aren't everybody's cup of tea, you are not abnormal.
If it makes you so uncomfortable, your DH should be sitting back and listening.

Anxiety doesn’t just pop up for one day a year. It’s there all the time rumbling along in the background and people organise their life to avoid triggering it.

OP says she has some issues around having people over and entertaining. She can carry on her life not dealing, no-one is forcing her to confront it, but it’s liberating to resolve issues like this. At the very least OP could reduce the significant annual anxiety she gets over this party.

Also, the idea that her H should 'just' give up his birthday party to placate her is a bad one. Because it will be something else next. And something else after that. (Whether OP has an anxiety disorder and can't help it, or whether OP is a self-obsessed control freak - if you indulge people at your own expense, you have to keep doing it.)

I agree with Tatiana - it would be liberating for the OP to get to the bottom of this apparently unreasonable anxiety.

Counselling would be good.