Can't cope with his party

[sheeponhugs]

My DP Of 18 years has a birthday party at our house EVERY year! I get so anxious about it and I hate it, I know it sounds ridiculous but I just find it so stressful, usually about 30 people come and I hate the whole thing, I never sleep for days before so I worry about that and how am I going to stay up as it usually goes on until at least 2am. I wake up in the night panicking, heart racing.
Now even though I ask him if he could have drinks at a pub instead or a break away he feels really disappointed and makes me feel bad and I can't help or understand why it causes me so much stress.
It is coming up again in a month and I am already stressed, despite him knowing this he still wants to have his party. I don't know how to make it okay and I end up hating him for doing this to me as I would never want someone to feel like this. He just doesn't get it.

Any advice?

Odd that he won't compromise and hold his party somewhere else. I suggest you go away on that night, expect the place to be as you left it on your return. Go to a hotel or friends or relatives. Make it an annual thing. If he wants to have a party rather than be with you, rethink your relationship, see if you can live with that. But you don't have to put up with it, go away, take no part in the reparation or the clean up.

How old are the children? Are they there when the party is going on?

See, I'm the opposite, I love hosting at home. Would much rather that than the stress of sorting out a venue and worrying everyone turns up. I'm not the most sociable person though, and I get anxious, so I would echo what metalmum said - grab yourself a drink, chat to the people you like the most, then slope off to bed when you want. It sounds like your DP does the bulk of organising/cleaning up, so it would unfair to ban him from having the party as it's his house too. But he could compromise by cutting down the numbers and making it a smaller gathering. Have you actually told him how anxious it makes you feel to have it at the house? He may not realise what an extreme reaction you have to the thought of it.

OP do you have any anxiety in other areas of life?

If not I don't see you need help. I hate parties. Having one in my own house would be my idea of hell on earth.

And having drunken bodies lying about until morning?

Sounds like a 19 year old student party.

Not my style I'm afraid.

Tell him he can have the party, providing he does everything-preparing, hosting and clearing up. I get the feeling he gets all the fun and you get all the work. Then go out for the duration.

He does do most of the work. I can't go out and miss it as lots of the people who come are mutual friends and they would find it strange that I wasn't at the party.
I do realise it's ridiculous and he has every right to have his party I just wish he didn't want to or that I didn't get in such a state about it.

So what if they find it strange?

If they are good friends you can explain that you don't like parties surely?
My friends and family know they way I feel.
If they think that's odd then tough.

One night a year. It's his house too. I think you need to suck it up or get professional help if your anxiety is that bad.

And 2am is not some crazy 3 day bender, go to bed early if you have to.

It's easy say it's once a year,suck it up but it affects OP for days before hand so that's harsh.Some people have a genuine anxiety about hosting or large numbers of people in their house.I do.Anything other than family, or small numbers which I'm perfectly happy to invite for a meal or even to stay -but more than that and I get worked up.Its got worse as I've got older.Plus a party for 18 year olds,even if there been no problems before just sounds my idea of hell.I hated doing children's parties but doubt anyone but OH knew.I bet OP is a lovely mum,she has let him have parties every year.He's 18 now.Time he organised something different .

I am sorry this feels too much for you OP but I do think you are being unreasonable to expect your partner to give up something that clearly matters to him because of your issue. Assuming he is a good partner in other ways I think you should suck it up for one night. It is his home as much as yours and one night a year is not excessive.

Another way to look at it is that your levels anxiety and stress around this are unusually high. For your DP to change his ways to accommodate them would be enabling your unreasonable behaviour. A much better solution would be for you to get some sort of counselling to try and understand and change your thinking around this.

All that being said if you are not anxious generally you might not want to change anything in which case i would echo using some of the avoidance tactics suggested here. If you really hate it, don't be a martyr. Stick around long enough to say hello to the people you like and then check yourself in somewhere nice and peaceful and come back the next afternoon when it's all over.

Are you as neurotic as this in other times of your life or just this op?

If this is a once a year thing then how about ask him to remove anything that could be broken and/or valuable and just have disposables?

Throw throws over sofas.

Book yourself into a spa on the day he is preparing for his party and then why don't you come to his party at the same time as everyone with the attitude that you are a guest too?

I host loads of parties at my house but now have it down to a fine art in that I point in the general direction if anyone wants a drink (most people are happy to pour their own) and leave enough food out buffet style for people to tae what they want.

Stop adopting a 'host' mentality and enjoy yourself instead!

Let people make their own conversational groups they aren't toddlers!

If it all gets too much go and lie down for half an hour you won't be missed.

If all else fails have a kind and friendly attitude for your dh's sake. It would be rude and selfish of you to ruin his birthday.

Your good friends would understand you taking off to a hotel. They’re your friends!
Either this is reasonable and fine to ask your dh to change the plan, in which case it’s all normal and you need not feel such shame at other people knowing you don’t like parties, or it’s a huge weird thing that you can’t tell your own good friends, in which case counselling seems required. You can’t argue it both ways.

You could always tell the mutual friends you have a "clash" with another event, so won't be there and then go away for the night.

Or show your face at the beginning of the night and then leave (either upstairs or out) when you've had enough. Say you have a headache if needs be, or just go, you don't have to explain yourself

You've mentioned a couple of times here that you're worried about what new friends might think. Do you think that's perhaps the main cause for concern? I assume the new friends are more professional/affluent and the "old" friends less so? Most of your new friends will have a broad mix of friends too, and those that don't will likely enjoy meeting new people. Anyone who judges, well - do you really care about the opinions of someone like that?

What's neurotic about hating having a party in your house?

I would rather have root canal work done.

Why is it OP is neurotic and requires counselling because she feels differently and reacts differently to some other people?
And why is it OP that’s selfish and not DH who knows how this makes her feel and does it anyway?

Bloody typical. Woman has to bend over backwards to please and accommodate man. If she doesn’t she’s selfish, neurotic and her mental health is questioned

TeasndToast well said.

snugglepiggy ops partner isn't 18 😆 he's her partner of 18 years

I'm shocked at all the posters calling OPs husband selfish!
It's his birthday. One night a year he'd like a party at his house. OP has said that he does the prep and cleaning up after. All she has to do is attend the party. Although that's because she feels she has to, not because her DH has told her she must.
He really isn't asking much at all. It isn't a weekly or monthly occurrence. He isn't expecting her to prep and host and clean.
I'm usually the first to call out a selfish man, but this doesn't sound like one at all.
OP it isn't normal the find a party with your friends this stressful. Have you thought about attending a few hours of the party and then taking yourself off to a hotel? Or you could make up an excuse to not be there. I'm sure most people will forget about your absence after a drink so I wouldn't worry about that.

I don't think the OP is selfish but expecting your dp to give up something like having an annual party because you don't like it would be controlling. I think the idea of counselling has been made because its not normal to get totally stressed out about a party a month before it happens and because it's grim for the OP to be suffering so much stress over it.

If you really are emotionally and pyschologically damaged by a once a year birthday party months before and months after that your dh prepares for and cleans up after for then yes, your oh is totally selfish.

LTB

I personally wouldn't mind a party at home but also kinda glad DP isn't that sociable! I don't assume my view is the norm though, I don't think your view is the odd one. Your DP seems a bit insensitive to how much you dislike it. There are many, many people who don't have gatherings at their house, why is that? Because they don't like them..

I agree Qcumber. I don't think he sounds selfish and is doing all the donkey work, plus the OP hasn't actually said whether he knows how anxious the party makes her. She's suggested to him that he moves it to a venue, but it doesn't sound like she's explained to him why.

I thought you were going to say that the house gets trashed or you hate all his friends but that doesn't seem to be the case.

So I'm confused as to why you hate it so much if he does most of the work and the friends are mutual friends.

You don't seem prepared to do anything anyone suggests such as not be there, have party elsewhere. You just simply don't want the party. It's once a year not every month so unless there's some massive back story you are being a bit ridiculous.

Help us out. Do you not actually like the friends? Is it that you just can't be bothered with the socialising? There's got to be something that makes you hate it so much

Yes but if it is such an understandable thing to hate this so much then everyone who is reasonable and a friend of op will totally understand her taking off to a hotel. I would! Might think it a bit quirky, but to each their own.
OP if you think your friends would want you to feel this way instead of leaving for a hotel you need better friends. As for your dh, does he typically disregard how you feel? Or is it just that he really wants this one party every year and he’s supportive and nice otherwise?