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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can't cope with his party

124 replies

sheeponhugs · 14/02/2018 06:40

My DP Of 18 years has a birthday party at our house EVERY year! I get so anxious about it and I hate it, I know it sounds ridiculous but I just find it so stressful, usually about 30 people come and I hate the whole thing, I never sleep for days before so I worry about that and how am I going to stay up as it usually goes on until at least 2am. I wake up in the night panicking, heart racing.
Now even though I ask him if he could have drinks at a pub instead or a break away he feels really disappointed and makes me feel bad and I can't help or understand why it causes me so much stress.
It is coming up again in a month and I am already stressed, despite him knowing this he still wants to have his party. I don't know how to make it okay and I end up hating him for doing this to me as I would never want someone to feel like this. He just doesn't get it.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Peachyking000 · 14/02/2018 09:20

I would hate people sleeping in the sofa - stale smell of sweat etc in the living room. Can’t one of his friends host it instead?

Original poster
sheeponhugs · 14/02/2018 09:21

Thanks metalmug. Yes I need to work out the main issue. but if it is about who is coming I can't do anything about it anyway. Our new friends are people we see all the time so can't just not invite them.

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 14/02/2018 09:22

Haven't read all the threading yet but this idea just came to me.

How about you going away for the night on your own or to see a friend you've not seen in ages?

whiskyowl · 14/02/2018 09:22

You know what, it's OK to be anxious about this. Many people don't have 30 folks in their house at once. It's basically what the upstairs room of a pub is created for!

Tell your DH no. But come up with a lovely alternative arrangement. He is being VERY insensitive insisting that he gets a party when it makes you feel this bad. I wouldn't be able to enjoy a night that I knew was causing my partner this much misery.

Original poster
sheeponhugs · 14/02/2018 09:25

This is why I end up hating him for a month every year. He sees how it causes me loads of stress but still goes ahead with it.
It's so trivial really when I take a step back but can't manage to do this enough to stop it causing all this stress.

OP posts:
Thesmallthings · 14/02/2018 09:27

Surely if it happens every year your old and new friends would have all ready met.. and as they cime back again they have no problem with each other.

Personaly I think you need to work in being ok with this. For your shake just as much as his.

What would help with the run up? No talking about the party? Getting more involved?

BarbarianMum · 14/02/2018 09:31

"He is being very insensitive insisting he has a party when it makes you feel this bad."

Or, he is keeping healthy boundaries over what he will allow his partner to dictate?

I can't help thinking somehow that, if it was the OP wanting the party and her dp not being able to cope with it, she would not be being told to give it up to make him happy. Hmm

metalmum15 · 14/02/2018 09:34

It sounds like perhaps you don't actually like your new friends very much and would rather not invite them. Is there a particular reason? Why are they friends if you're not keen on them?

Cuppaoftea · 14/02/2018 09:35

Having 30 people over to get pissed and smoke weed while the kids are sleeping upstairs, having them come down to blokes kipping on the sofa in the morning.

Just no. I wouldn't accept that for myself. I find it weird your OH still wants to do this every year as a parent (tbh I find it weird an adult cares about having an annual bash except for 'milestone' birthdays) and it's worse as he knows the anxiety he puts you through but doesn't care. He needs to go out somewhere for his birthday, just tell him and don't feel guilty.

whiskyowl · 14/02/2018 09:35

Seriously, no way would I have 30 people in my house. Ever.

What the hell difference does it make if the party is at a pub, especially one with a late license? Provided you can afford a caterer, it's just way nicer for everyone.

apostropheuse · 14/02/2018 09:35

I find it very strange that an adult has a full blown birthday party every year. The only birthday parties for adults I've been to are for milestone birthdays.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. Your DH should be able to compromise - still have his party, but in another location. He knows how stressed you get but completely disregards your feelings. Not nice. By having it elsewhere he's not missing out and you're not suffering.

MrsJayy · 14/02/2018 09:43

I would hate 30 people in my house that would really stress me out thankfully Dh would hate it too anyway I think you need to say i dont want these people in my house till 2 am and beyond it upsets me to the point I feel ill if you insist on this party i wont behere Ill come back when it is over! and mean it

FluffyWuffy100 · 14/02/2018 09:49

I find it very strange that an adult has a full blown birthday party every year.

Do you think the same of summer parties, bonfire night parties, christmas drinks parties?

If the only 'allowed' parties are milestone birthdays you'll be waiting a long time between seeing big groups of friends...

FluffyWuffy100 · 14/02/2018 09:51

if you insist on this party i wont behere Ill come back when it is over! and mean it

You would be a totally unreasonably twat face to threaten to leave your partner over their very normal birthday party. That is super controlling.

GnotherGnu · 14/02/2018 09:51

This seems to be entirely your issue around the anxiety you get about who is actually coming to the party. Obviously your DH isn't worried about them, and equally it appears they never cause an issue anyway. So the easiest way to remedy this is to sort out your worries, whether it's through counselling, propranolol, or addressing the question of the individuals who cause the problem.

MrsJayy · 14/02/2018 09:56

I didn't say to leave him I said she should leave the house till it is over, he has been having this party for years and for years the op has been offering alternatives and telling him it stresses her out not a jot he seems to care

apostropheuse · 14/02/2018 09:58

"If the only 'allowed' parties are milestone birthdays you'll be waiting a long time between seeing big groups of friends".

That's fine by me FluffyWuffy. Seeing big groups of friends sounds hellish to me. Grin That's if I had them!

Qcumber · 14/02/2018 10:00

OP you need to go to the gp about your anxiety. It is not fair to ask your husband to not have a birthday party. Maybe he could be more supportive in helping you deal with your anxiety but it would be so controlling to forbid him having a party and I wouldn't blame him for resenting you for it.
Either go to the gp, or get a hotel. Stop making your husband feel guilty for wanting to celebrate his birthday.

Aridane · 14/02/2018 10:04

I think this is very odd - ie the extreme anxiety. I mean it's one thing not to want 30 people in your home but your reaction is disproportionate. I wonder if anxiety is seeping into other areas of your life - notwithstanding you mention just a bit for Christmas. Is this an area you need to work on more generally?

StilettosAreANoNo · 14/02/2018 10:07

I’m a bit the same, that feeling of being invaded. God I bet the prospect of that each year looms large for you Sad

For me it would be the open ended late finish and people crashing out and the expectation of it. We’re not all party animals. Why does it have to signify anxiety issues if you don’t relish the prospect of a herd round annually fgs Hmm It sounds more like a teenagers bash than an adult get together and horrible when you know the dc are around too. And the fact that knowing how you feel but insisting anyway every year would also be a major sticking point for me.

I think the only thing to do is to talk to him and impress how this is truly affecting you. Surely it could be held elsewhere. Adults compromise. If it’s because they want to go on until 2am smoking weed then it’s time to grow up.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/02/2018 10:08

I think you care too much about what other people think. I also understand this so don't see it as 'abnormal' but do think it indicates anxiety of some sort and that you could usefully seek help for that.

I think you somehow need to let go of feeling responsible for other people's behaviour and this sense that they are an extension of you.

They are who they are. Other people can see them for who they are. They know that 'you are not them'; you cannot control them and you are not the same as them, now or ever. They are just people you used to socialise with, because you had one or two things in common. They have other characteristics and behaviours that were never in common with you and yours.

Also, these people have met each other before, at previous parties, so that horse has bolted really. The new friends know about the 'old friends' and they still come.

Most people have different groups of friends like this; the student friends, work friends, hobby friends, parent friends etc and they can be quite different and have different values and lifestyles. Especially if the different groups hang about as groups, using the party as an opportunity for a catch up, that's fine. I do get your discomfort about the weed. For people who have no history of drug use, that can seem a big deal, even though, legally, societally etc it really isn't in the same category as other drug use.

The other thing is, do any of the people treat, respond to and 'present' you differently, in a way that makes you uncomfortable? Saying 'you're so...' when you know your newer friends don't see you that way, because you've matured, or just that you know them through different activities?

WooWooSister · 14/02/2018 10:09

It sounds as though you're worried about new friends judging the old friends, the weed smoking and you. Tbh I don't think that's an unreasonable concern. If you banned smoking would that make you feel better? Or is it the culture clash between the two groups?
I don't think it is fair that he hosts this party every year without compromise. He could easily arrange it elsewhere every second year.
The doc might suggest counselling rather than medication to combat your anxiety.

StilettosAreANoNo · 14/02/2018 10:14

The OP has said this is the only thing that makes her feel like this and yet people are suggesting trips to the GP and counsellingConfused She doesn’t enjoy it. Does she have to?

TatianaLarina · 14/02/2018 10:16

Tablets won’t do anything in this type of case. I think you need therapy to look into the causes of this anxiety. To look at self confidence and self esteem - low confidence can generate a lot of anxiety particularly around social issues. And not having strong sense of self. This is where the fear of judgement comes from.

Therapy would help you analyse the roots of all this and also give you techniques to manage the fearful emotions and thought patterns. Generally help you understand yourself better and find more peace.

ChristmasCakes · 14/02/2018 10:17

YABU. If a woman was asking for advice because the man she lived with couldn't handle her having a birthday party for no real reason he'd be accused of being controlling, making her feel like a spare part in her own home etc.

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