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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can't cope with his party

124 replies

sheeponhugs · 14/02/2018 06:40

My DP Of 18 years has a birthday party at our house EVERY year! I get so anxious about it and I hate it, I know it sounds ridiculous but I just find it so stressful, usually about 30 people come and I hate the whole thing, I never sleep for days before so I worry about that and how am I going to stay up as it usually goes on until at least 2am. I wake up in the night panicking, heart racing.
Now even though I ask him if he could have drinks at a pub instead or a break away he feels really disappointed and makes me feel bad and I can't help or understand why it causes me so much stress.
It is coming up again in a month and I am already stressed, despite him knowing this he still wants to have his party. I don't know how to make it okay and I end up hating him for doing this to me as I would never want someone to feel like this. He just doesn't get it.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Trills · 14/02/2018 08:31

If it's been happening for years then you don't need to worry about new friends judging you because they don't approve of your old friends. They've seen them already, unless they are new friends you made in the last 12 months.

ssd · 14/02/2018 08:32

go to your gp and ask for propranolol, I've heard it's wonderful for one off situations like this

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 14/02/2018 08:33

Hang on, I've re-read the first post and he does know. That puts a new slant on it: I wouldn't subject my partner to something I know caused them an untold amount of stress. Then again, I would hope they would try to get to the bottom of why it was making them ill, because it doesn't sound like a rational response to a birthday party.

TheNavigator · 14/02/2018 08:33

OP, I worry you have a controlling tendency and if you manage to guilt trip your DH into cancelling his once a year party due to your 'nerves', you will then move on to try and isolate him from his friends in other ways. It sounds like classic emotional abuse to me and I feel sorry for your DH that he may miss a massive red flag.

SaskaTchewan · 14/02/2018 08:33

Sorry, but I agree, one party a year is not too much to ask for your DP.
It does sound like a reasonable party as well, no one seems to be trashing the place - I would send them packing.

OP your reaction does sound really excessive, it can't be just about the party. You could ask your GP to refer you to someone, try acupuncture, something to help. Do you have health problems that makes staying up until 2am an issue? When you are invited to a wedding, are you that bothered about staying up late? Can you book a couple of days off from work after the party so you don't feel like being tired would be the end of the world?

If it's been going on for years, and people are still coming, it means they are having a good time. Your entertaining is more than enough, you are doing it right so you don't have to worry about that.

Can you invite one or 2 of your own friends and spend most of the evening with them? You only need to say hello to people arriving, and leave your DP to do the mingling whilst you enjoy your own friends company.

Mookatron · 14/02/2018 08:37

I get it, OP.

I suggest you do what another poster suggested and go out for the whole day beforehand and arrive at the party as if you were another guest.

Are you OK once you're at the party?

Schlimbesserung · 14/02/2018 08:38

I've never met an actual adult who has to have a birthday party every year. I find that much stranger than someone not wanting to host every year.
OP I think it would be perfectly fair to say no, or agree to every other year. It's obviously fine to want to celebrate a birthday, but not at the expense of making your partner miserable.

Jammycustard · 14/02/2018 08:42

Could there be a compromise? No weed and no one on the sofa?

BarbarianMum · 14/02/2018 08:44

Yeah, I don't think the OP's problem is that its a birthday party Schlim, I think her problem is that it's a party. I'm pretty sure you know adults who throw parties.

FluffyWuffy100 · 14/02/2018 08:49

This does sou d like a very extreme reaction - considering he does the prep and the cleaning, and no one gets crazy drunk and rowdy.

I think it is highly U to dictate that he can't host his own birthday party in the house, this is your issue and you need to deal with it in whatever way you find works for you.

Clandestino · 14/02/2018 08:51

I would hate it too - you say that it's all perfectly great and clean but I'd feel like it's an intrusion of my privacy.
How about you book yourself to a hotel somewhere for the night and day? Go somewhere nice, treat yourself to a spa. That's what I would probably do, or go somewhere rural, a cheaper bed and breakfast near a nice park and have the weekend for my own and DD.
Would you have a chance to do the same?

SaskaTchewan · 14/02/2018 08:57

I've never met an actual adult who has to have a birthday party every year.

It's pretty common, I have plenty of friends and family members who host yearly parties for their birthdays, even if they are more frequent in the summer because it's an easier time of the year for them.

TatianaLarina · 14/02/2018 09:02

If it was going to be a normal teenage party I’d say for sure have it at a pub. I thought intially you were concerned about your house getting trashed.

But he seems to have sensible friends, so this appears to be simply about social anxiety for you. In which case you need to get over it.

All this stuff about people judging you? People from different parts of your life who don’t know each other? You’re an adult, you should be over this stuff by now.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 14/02/2018 09:03

Does your DH actually know how you feel, op?
Bemused at all the posts suggesting you go away for the night because you don't like parties; your friends will understand that...
Why would your friends be happy to show up for a party you're refusing to attend yourself, for whatever reason? That's just weird.

Original poster
sheeponhugs · 14/02/2018 09:04

I actually usually have a fairly good time at the actual party, I try to remind myself of this each year but the lead up is exhausting for some reason as I don't sleep and wake up with heart racing for weeks! Im not a great sleeper anyway but wouldn't normally worry about staying up late. It's not being tired that is the issue. I am not trying to be controlling as one PP said. I go ahead each time as I know it's unreasonable but each year gets harder not easier. I want to be okay with it, I really do. But I'd rather he just didn't have it.

OP posts:
Original poster
sheeponhugs · 14/02/2018 09:06

He knows I feel like this.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 14/02/2018 09:07

A racing heart and sleepless nights for weeks before a small party indicates anxiety issues. Have you ever had counselling for them? I can’t imagine this is the only area of your life that this anxiety affects.

Original poster
sheeponhugs · 14/02/2018 09:08

Thanks Lama . I was wondering if it was just me. My friends would find it very odd if I didn't show up to a party at my house!

OP posts:
FreshStartToday · 14/02/2018 09:09

Is there someone in particular who you feel will be judging you? Are you seeing the event through the eyes of some of your new friends and cringing at your old friends? Have you moved on in life, but feel that you will be seen as the old you?

I think that if you can understand what in particular is causing you the stress it might help. I do think that this is your partner's choice, and it would be helpful if you could take a step back, and not worry about being judged negatively. You have a partner you love and a home together: this is who you are. People probably aren't judging you, but if you are concerned, can you chat it through with those new friends? And make it clear that you are doing this for your dp?

Oh dear, it's dp's party next week. I'm glad you are coming but I do find the whole thing a bit stressful. Still dp loves getting all our friends together for his birthday, and it's good to see him happy. . .

Mrsdraper1 · 14/02/2018 09:10

Do you have input on the guest list?
Maybe you could make it more old friends, less new friends?
I think book a venue as a surprise then he can't say no!

alotalotalot · 14/02/2018 09:10

One of you is going to be upset about this. Does he normally ride roughshod over your feelings?

Bananmanfan · 14/02/2018 09:10

I don't think you're overreacting, op. This sounds like hell to me, I'd have to leave my DH if he wanted to do this every single year. Luckily for me; DH would find this situation as horrifying as I would.

Original poster
sheeponhugs · 14/02/2018 09:13

Maybe I need some help with anxiety then. Nothing causes more of an issue than this. Christmas is a bit stressful too I suppose but at least I feel more in control of that. I'm just not sure what they can do other than give me some tablets. Perhaps the one off drug that PP mentioned could help.

OP posts:
Original poster
sheeponhugs · 14/02/2018 09:19

Thanks Fresh . Wise words. Some of my friends know I don't like the party much but they don't know the extent of my anxiety around it.

I have tried to work out what the main issue is.
I think that perhaps there are a couple of people who I particularly worry about being there and I have thought about how I would feel if they weren't coming and I think that would be easier.

I know that when we have all our old friends over occasionally this causes no issue for me at all.

OP posts:
metalmum15 · 14/02/2018 09:19

I think you need to isolate the actual reason why you feel anxious, and then you might be able to deal with it better. Are you worrying his friends won't get on with each other? Not your problem, they're his friends, and besides, alcohol is great for lowering inhibitions and getting strangers chatting. Don't you like staying up late? Then give yourself a time limit and head off to bed. No one will be offended. Worrying about the weed? There'll be people smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol, if anyone is judging someone smoking weed that's their problem, not yours. Is it getting up in the morning and finding somebody on your sofa? Get oh to get up and you can have a lie in. Give them a time to be up and out by. I actually really think there's probably only one thing that you're anxious about, but over the years you've buried it and now feel like every part of the gathering is overwhelming.

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