Husband invited people to stay in our house

[sag1977]

Over Christmas and without consulting me (he never does about anything), my husband invited a young woman he worked with (who lives literally down the road in her own flat) to stay at our house on Christmas day while we were out of the country because she and her boyfriend 'wanted to have a fire over Christmas' (we have a fireplace).

I thought this was risky and weird - I don't know her or her boyfriend and it seemed a bit gratuitous and just unnecessary - they could have accidentally started an actual fire accidentally, or left the oven on after their one night stay (we weren't due back for a week), or whatever else - it just seemed like a bad idea. She's really posh and 'entitled' from the sound of it, and my husband prioritises the wants and wishes of literally everyone over mine, so of course he gave her the keys, and whenever I objected to the idea, he said I was a selfish bitch.

Anyway, we returned after a week to find that she had left the bathroom fan on for a week (as I figured she would for some reason), left all her christmas gift rubbish (even though I can see her house from mine - so that's weird that she didn't just take it home) and somehow they broke the door of our fridge, without leaving a note or offer to pay to fix it. They had previously offered a hamper to my husband as thanks, but instead left 2 bottles of wine and a card with his name spelled wrong.

Understandably I was raging, as I knew something bad would happen and it did, and I don't know why I had to offer my home to a stranger for no valid reason, but my husband says I'm insane and selfish, and we didn't speak for a month over it. I was so mad that I had to buy a new hinge for the fridge and go without groceries because of her selfishness, and it took a month to get a joiner to fix it - the inconvenience was so avoidable, but worse was my husband calling me a selfish crazy bitch for not welcoming her, and then for being mad that I had to take care of her garbage and fix the damage she made. I just thought it was all so pointless, and I don't know why literally everyone is more important to him than I am. He also gave her the keys to our house as his 'emergency keyholder', but when we asked for them back, she didn't drop them off as promised (despite being 100 metres away) and it took around 2 days to get them - I think he may have had to go to her in the end to get them? I don't know as he flew into a rage if I brought it up.

She never contacted him again (she stopped working at his firm at Christmas), so she wasn't even a good friend (or friend at all, it seems). She got what she wanted I suppose, and left us out of pocket and inconvenienced, with me having to work at home to accommodate a joiner more than once, and unable to buy fresh food, and DH and I not speaking for a month. So am I a selfish crazy bitch, or was the whole situation ridiculous to begin with? He does this sort of thing all the time, and when I object he says I need therapy. I just don't know why the needs of everyone else supersede mine, and whether there's any hope of this changing.

[ChasedByBees]

None of this is reasonable from him. Why did you have to be inconvenienced from his poor decision? He has no right to speak to you like that.

[fluffyrobin]

Sorry to hear you and your dh are so contemptuous of each other's points of view.

Your dh thinks nothing of putting you down, calling you names and riding roughshod over your feelings and opinions. And you enable him to do that by carrying on as normal with no repercussions.

You treat him like an irritating flatmate and he is not shy to show you he despises you, but despite this you have rubbed along each accepting a low level of expectation of happiness from each other.

It sounds as if you are adept at carrying on with your life around him.

I would NEVER tolerate such treatment from a flatmate, let alone a husband.

For a start I would not cook, do laundry or clean up after a flatmate nor any person who didn't value me, so could you stop doing that op?

If you feel like a paid housekeeper then fine, keep it up but otherwise why bother?

You only live once so I think it's time you find a balance that stops you feeling put upon. Perhaps if you want to stay in the same house you can have a separate bedroom and put a lock on it?

Cook your own meals and invite whoever you want round, go away for weekends etc?

I don't understand why all the mess was left for you to deal with? Can you divide up your living space so you don't have to share with him any more?

Marriage counselling?

He only gets away with it because you let him.

[HarveyKietelRabbit]

I don't know why you'd stay in a marriage when you both seem to dislike each other.

You didn't speak for a month? And a month later than that you're still ruminating on this incident?

I think your marriage is over isn't it?

[Troels]

Wow OP how have you stuck with him this long. He sounds like he never grew up and spends his life trying to have fun, impress others and be one of the cool kids. He treats you with contempt like a mean Mum who is constantly trying to get him to be more resoponsible.

[CherryMaDeary]

Are your lives that entangled that you can't contemplate a split?

I think every day you stay with him will just wear your soul down.

Will there be much emotion in splitting from a quasi husband/flatmate?

[Bananmanfan]

I think you need to LTB. Frequently calling you a bitch is enough reason, without the absurdity of lending your home to someone you don't know.

[greendale17]

Why are you still with him?

[UnimaginativeNameChange1]

we didn't speak for a month

Bananas.

[GreenTulips]

Why did he not consult you?
Why did you have to wait in and sort fridge?
Why did you clean up the packaging stuff?

What do you get out of being married to him?

Why did you put these things right? Just why? He should've been made accountable for the damage - he should've paid for it and been inconvenienced by the tradesmen

You are equally to blame because you run round after him to put stuff right when he's a grown man

[MsWanaBanana]

Well, this happened at Christmas and obviously you’re still very angry about it now. Your only options are to let it go or leave your husband. You don’t sound happy and it doesn’t seem like you even like your husband very much. If he’s not putting you first, leave and find someone who will. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

[CrabappleBiscuit]

So, never there at weekends, you exist like flat mates and he didn’t talk to you for a month and you bail him out when he’s overdrawn.

[SaskaTchewan]

OP, honestly, it's not a life, you shouldn't have to tip toe around anyone, this relationship is insane. I can only advise you to start thinking seriously on the practical ways you can get the hell out of there.

Of course you are not selfish in your OP. I have friends coming to stay over very regularly, but someone from down the road who I've never met? (or barely no). Absolutely no, that's too weird. The main issue is that it's YOUR home, your rules.

Good luck, seriously, research how you can get organised financially and think about going on with your own life, this is not right.

[Thebluedog]

he didn’t speak to you for a month

This to me would be the nail in the coffin for any relationship, how can you live with someone like this.

Not to mention calling you names and completely disregarding your thoughts and feelings.

OP your ‘d’h sounds like a selfish arsehole

[timeisnotaline]

This is not a life. I don’t know why you live with him.

[GnotherGnu]

OP, why was it down to you to wait in for the joiner etc? In your shoes I'd have told my husband it was fairly and squarely down to him.

[bluebells1]

Wow. Both of you are mad.

[notapizzaeater]

It's really not a healthy relationship. There's no way in hell I'd let someone stay in my house for a 🔥 - if they had nowhere else to stay it would have been different. He shows no respect for you at all.

[Married3Children]

Not sure what are the things going on that are making leaving Just too much.
I appreciate that it can be a lot of things incl dealing with illness, an ill relative, children issues etc etc

BUT you really need to look at how much efforts you are making to keep this relationship going, how much it’s costing YOU (emotionally in particular and in terms of self esteem).
And look at what this relationhsip is bringing to you (it might be financial security for example).
And then ask yourself if the trade off is worth it. I suscet it’s not.

This doesn’t t mean you’re u have to leave NOW. But please start building up a life for yourself and make a way towards some idependance. This guy is a nightmare to live with. He has no respect for you as a person. And he is living in la-la land.

[Buxbaum]

I don't think I've ever said this before, but LTB. Your marriage is already over.

[Dragongirl10]

OP his treatment of you is awful, why on earth do you stay with him...

The friend stuff is minor here, your H is dreadful

[KathyBates]

Wow. The bathroom fan was on for a week and there was rubbish in the bin?! If that's the kind of thing you fly off the handle at then I can see why you could be hard work.
Broken fridge door resulting in no fresh food for a month? If that's truely the case you're failing at adulting OP, especially at this time of year.
And as for the gift of a hamper, that is totally excessive and OTT for borrowing your house for the day/ night. Wine is sufficient.
Send her the invoice for the fridge door and make your plans to leave this dead end relationship.

[Embarrassingbodies]

I think you’re both being dramatic and it doesn’t sound like either of you even like each other - why are you actually together?

Not talking for a month is beyond immature

Sounds like you’re ‘together’ for convenience sake and both clearly unhappy in this relationship

[AskBasil]

Your husband is abusive.

In one sense he's right, you do need therapy to work out why you are accepting living in such a miserable, depressing arrangement.

You need to LTB. He's toxic. Your marriage is unhappy. You only have one life, don't live it like this.

[HairsprayBabe]

I don't understand you need a joiner to fix a fridge door?

[Blackteadrinker77]

You have a pleaser. They do over the top nice things for people in public in the hope it makes them look good. In reality they come across as door mats and get used but never learn.

In doors if anyone questions them they are crazy etc. The reason he would go mad if you had contacted her is you would have bust his little bubble to the outside world.

You won't change him, once a pleaser always a pleaser. Your only options are to put up with it or leave.