Husband invited people to stay in our house

[sag1977]

Over Christmas and without consulting me (he never does about anything), my husband invited a young woman he worked with (who lives literally down the road in her own flat) to stay at our house on Christmas day while we were out of the country because she and her boyfriend 'wanted to have a fire over Christmas' (we have a fireplace).

I thought this was risky and weird - I don't know her or her boyfriend and it seemed a bit gratuitous and just unnecessary - they could have accidentally started an actual fire accidentally, or left the oven on after their one night stay (we weren't due back for a week), or whatever else - it just seemed like a bad idea. She's really posh and 'entitled' from the sound of it, and my husband prioritises the wants and wishes of literally everyone over mine, so of course he gave her the keys, and whenever I objected to the idea, he said I was a selfish bitch.

Anyway, we returned after a week to find that she had left the bathroom fan on for a week (as I figured she would for some reason), left all her christmas gift rubbish (even though I can see her house from mine - so that's weird that she didn't just take it home) and somehow they broke the door of our fridge, without leaving a note or offer to pay to fix it. They had previously offered a hamper to my husband as thanks, but instead left 2 bottles of wine and a card with his name spelled wrong.

Understandably I was raging, as I knew something bad would happen and it did, and I don't know why I had to offer my home to a stranger for no valid reason, but my husband says I'm insane and selfish, and we didn't speak for a month over it. I was so mad that I had to buy a new hinge for the fridge and go without groceries because of her selfishness, and it took a month to get a joiner to fix it - the inconvenience was so avoidable, but worse was my husband calling me a selfish crazy bitch for not welcoming her, and then for being mad that I had to take care of her garbage and fix the damage she made. I just thought it was all so pointless, and I don't know why literally everyone is more important to him than I am. He also gave her the keys to our house as his 'emergency keyholder', but when we asked for them back, she didn't drop them off as promised (despite being 100 metres away) and it took around 2 days to get them - I think he may have had to go to her in the end to get them? I don't know as he flew into a rage if I brought it up.

She never contacted him again (she stopped working at his firm at Christmas), so she wasn't even a good friend (or friend at all, it seems). She got what she wanted I suppose, and left us out of pocket and inconvenienced, with me having to work at home to accommodate a joiner more than once, and unable to buy fresh food, and DH and I not speaking for a month. So am I a selfish crazy bitch, or was the whole situation ridiculous to begin with? He does this sort of thing all the time, and when I object he says I need therapy. I just don't know why the needs of everyone else supersede mine, and whether there's any hope of this changing.

[LindyHopSkipRunner]

Yes you do need validation. This isn't right; you know that.

[SharonBottsPoundOfGrapes]

I saw that comment and was impressed you didn't take the bait. But never mind, we're all human .
I do think this could be masking a bigger issue though. His behaviour and treatment of you is bizarre. I think you both need to sit down and talk. It could be his way of saying enough is enough but doesn't possess the balls to actually tell you he wants out. Hope you're ok and I haven't offended you. You don't seem like hard work at all.

[TrappedAndLost]

I have no clue why your husband would think you would want and absolute stranger staying in your house at all never mind when you are not there to make sure nothing goes wrong.
Yanbu. It's a shame your husband doesn't have more respect for your opinions. I doubt he would be happy had the situation been reversed and you where inviting a stranger to the home.
I hope he comes round to see your view in time and to apologise

[MrsDilber]

Yanbu. However, I'd have made him clear up her mess and sort the fridge out, not do it myself. Why did you do it?

[ReanimatedSGB]

He sounds weird. Was he brought up in a household that made a big deal out of extravagant gestures of 'kindness' to everyone outside the family? Is this woman someone who might have some sort of power or authority over him, or is she extremely popular or famous or something, so impressing her would have mattered to him?

[ReanimatedSGB]

Mind you, she sounds weird as well. Who the hell wants to spend Christmas day in a neighbour's temporarily empty house?

[sag1977]

You're right: I knew it was a troll and I held off for a while, but finally gave in. :)

This sort of behaviour has gone on for 15+ years. DH is an immature self-centred man-child. I accept that; I was asking this question as a 'you the jury' thing, to see whether I was actually being selfish and had lost perspective.

I know my husband is a total dickhead, and I thank you for confirming my suspicion about the weirdness and unreasonableness of this situation. I could literally write two books with stories like this, but this chapter was particularly frustrating and upsetting.

For the record, the young lady (very much Made in Chelsea fodder) worked FOR my husband (i.e. wasn't a boss he was trying to impress) and she wanted to stay on Xmas day / night because we have a house and she has a flat. Which is nice, but I don't normally ask people with houses that I like if I can stay there, and promise them gifts that I don't deliver, AND break appliances that I don't offer to repair. Oh and leave my rubbish behind.

I have never met her, so didn't really want to contact her or know how (I know she's in a building down the road; I don't know which flat and would want to ring all of them to find out! :)

The whole thing was weird and pointless: she is wealthy enough to have Air BNB'd (sp) somewhere for the day / night. I have a weird thing about fairness and justice, and I knew she was using him (us), which is what upset me the most. And the fact that he unjustly prioritised her over me - as usual - from the 'offer' to the reparation is infuriating. I'm still fuming. I'm not a shrinking violet, but I can't argue with him because he argues like a 5 year old.

[YouGotRedOnYou]

Exactly Reanimated. Her behaviour was odd too. Plus definitely agree with giving her a bill for damages and repairs if shes still about.
As pp said do sit down and have a serious talk. He's not telling you everything. Do you think he was beholden to her in some way and he didn't feel he could refuse or had to offer? And no you don't sound like hard work.
You can't get away with mean comments just because your target can't see you.

[ohfortuna]

all sounds very peculiar and your husband sounds rather batshit

[sag1977]

If I contacted her, DH would never forgive me. He's got a weird thing about this - I can't explain it so I just avoid it, but he's got a strange loyalty to strangers (and literally none for me - if anything, he has contempt for me, just bubbling under the surface). I work around his freaky devotion to strangers over loved ones - not just me; his family gets ignored too, though they don't experience the hostility that I enjoy. He needs help, clearly.

Overall, I tend to just work around him. No it's not healthy, but right now I have enough other stuff going on that I can't deal with this. We get along more than most as long as I don't bring up anything contentious (literally anything that isn't 'fun', like if I say 'You let your account go into overdraft I see. If you would open your mail instead of leaving it in a heap for 3 months, I could transfer funds into it so that doesn't happen'. THAT ends up in a screaming rage about 'why I have to ruin things'. It's insane - he's a child).

Right now, while I'm aware it's shitty and awful, he doesn't demand anything of me (i.e. 'where were you tonight?' - mainly because he doesn't care), and I don't have the time, emotion or energy to deal with splitting up. I have enough friends that I can enjoy my life while treating him as a flatmate (he is never home on weekends anyway), and with him treating me as a friend as long I am 'not negative'.

In the short term, however, I just needed somebody else to say that I wasn't actually a 'selfish bitch' for objecting to what was proposed and what happened.

[sag1977]

Agreed.

[sag1977]

Sorry, new to this. I meant @ohfortuna: agreed.

[Aquamarine1029]

You don't need therapy. You need a solicitor and a fresh start. Your marriage sounds like a nightmare.

[KarmaStar]

I'd run for the hills to get away from this man

[SharonBottsPoundOfGrapes]

You sound miserable and beaten down op. It's not fair on you (or him to a lesser degree). You deserve to be happy and there's nothing wrong with wanting to be someone's priority occasionally. Looks like you will have to do the prioritising this time. Might be time to move on?

[PaiMeisWhiteEyebrows]

Can you check his emails, texts, social media private messages to see if there was any correspondence between them leading up to Christmas (and after Christmas) that could shine some light on this situation?

@eElderflowerWaterIsDelish based on a post telling us that someone's DH has behaved as a kind friend at best and an inconsiderate husband at worst, you are advising them to snoop on his private correspondence (and potentially break the law)?

[Ellie56]

[PaiMeisWhiteEyebrows]

theftbyfinding pretty sure you are just supposed to report the post if you think the OP is holding an oven glove to a baking sheet of porky pies??

[Chuggachugga]

Lol! Sorry.... I’ve just joined the conversation but he sounds exactly like my dad. This is totally the kind of thing that he would do! It absolutely serves a need of his but it’s nothing to do with you... does he ‘need to be needed’ does he ‘need to be useful’ does his worth hinge about what he can give to others? It’s deep seeded and any remark as an outsider (ie.. someone who isn’t him) will fall on deaf ears. It’s sounds a part of his character and it’s only when people have taken the piss one too many times that he will question his thinking. Just step aside and let him assess where his boundaries lie. However- this is your home too so set your own boundaries and rules so that you are not uncomfortable but let him see for himself the negative impacts. Also, my dad gives the same amount to family as he would a stranger... he can’t give himself emotionally to others and ‘good deeds’ help him to reconcile a lack of interpersonal relationships. Obviously I’m talking about a different person but I guess I’m saying that there are different perspectives to a weird situation. Good luck!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Well don’t you just know how to stick up for yourself lady! 😳 Now you need to channel that woman from your post of 1.06 to your relationship. How has a woman like her found herself with such a difficult and immature life partner? Please re read your post and use some of that no nonsense feisty woman to get yourself out of this mess. I think you already know how to do it. And it isn’t by pandering to some manchild, who acts like a 5 yo.

[Bettyfood]

Posters are pretty much saying the same things, OP. Obviously no-one knows you in real life, posters can only judge tone and the situation itself from your posts. I suggest you get yourself to Relationships, as the issue outlined on this thread appears to be only the tip of the iceberg where you and your DH are concerned.

[SharonMott]

But by his hand the assets of your marriage could be lost. Are comfortable with that OP? Because he does exactly as he wishes and you are planning to let him, you could lose everything you own! 'Made in Chelsea' might have set the place alight with her roaring Christmas fire complete with chestnuts port and mince pies. The insurance wouldn't have paid out under those circumstances I can assure you. You're not thinking this through OP. I don't wish to sound like a doom and gloom merchant but you might need to think of the worst case scenario for you here. Vaguely having to treat him like a flatmate might not be the worst case scenario with someone behaving the way he does with YOUR assets.