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AIBU?

Husband invited people to stay in our house

107 replies

sag1977 · 14/02/2018 02:07

Over Christmas and without consulting me (he never does about anything), my husband invited a young woman he worked with (who lives literally down the road in her own flat) to stay at our house on Christmas day while we were out of the country because she and her boyfriend 'wanted to have a fire over Christmas' (we have a fireplace).

I thought this was risky and weird - I don't know her or her boyfriend and it seemed a bit gratuitous and just unnecessary - they could have accidentally started an actual fire accidentally, or left the oven on after their one night stay (we weren't due back for a week), or whatever else - it just seemed like a bad idea. She's really posh and 'entitled' from the sound of it, and my husband prioritises the wants and wishes of literally everyone over mine, so of course he gave her the keys, and whenever I objected to the idea, he said I was a selfish bitch.

Anyway, we returned after a week to find that she had left the bathroom fan on for a week (as I figured she would for some reason), left all her christmas gift rubbish (even though I can see her house from mine - so that's weird that she didn't just take it home) and somehow they broke the door of our fridge, without leaving a note or offer to pay to fix it. They had previously offered a hamper to my husband as thanks, but instead left 2 bottles of wine and a card with his name spelled wrong.

Understandably I was raging, as I knew something bad would happen and it did, and I don't know why I had to offer my home to a stranger for no valid reason, but my husband says I'm insane and selfish, and we didn't speak for a month over it. I was so mad that I had to buy a new hinge for the fridge and go without groceries because of her selfishness, and it took a month to get a joiner to fix it - the inconvenience was so avoidable, but worse was my husband calling me a selfish crazy bitch for not welcoming her, and then for being mad that I had to take care of her garbage and fix the damage she made. I just thought it was all so pointless, and I don't know why literally everyone is more important to him than I am. He also gave her the keys to our house as his 'emergency keyholder', but when we asked for them back, she didn't drop them off as promised (despite being 100 metres away) and it took around 2 days to get them - I think he may have had to go to her in the end to get them? I don't know as he flew into a rage if I brought it up.

She never contacted him again (she stopped working at his firm at Christmas), so she wasn't even a good friend (or friend at all, it seems). She got what she wanted I suppose, and left us out of pocket and inconvenienced, with me having to work at home to accommodate a joiner more than once, and unable to buy fresh food, and DH and I not speaking for a month. So am I a selfish crazy bitch, or was the whole situation ridiculous to begin with? He does this sort of thing all the time, and when I object he says I need therapy. I just don't know why the needs of everyone else supersede mine, and whether there's any hope of this changing.

OP posts:
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JanetStWalker · 15/02/2018 09:10

Christ no, I couldn't cope with any of that!

Your husband is totally unreasonable and possibly a little bit insane.

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alotalotalot · 15/02/2018 09:17

Either redefine your relationship so that you actually are flatmates with properly separate finances and boundaries or leave him. What you have sounds awful. I can't imagine not speaking for 24 hours let alone a month.

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Paperdoll16 · 15/02/2018 09:27

Where is he every weekend?

He's clearly a people pleaser and probably described very differently to how you describe him by colleagues etc..

Then he comes home and doesn't speak to you or rages if you dare to oppose to anything he has done/said. Where are the discussions and compromise? And respect!!

I think you're both living completely separate lives. I also feel like you are very much at the bottom of his prioritises.

I really would like to know where he is every weekend? Confused

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eddielizzard · 15/02/2018 09:30

this is untenable. for your own peace of mind i'd suggest you start planning your exit strategy. even if you can't implement it for a while. focussing on that just might keep you a little bit sane. me - i'd have fucking strangled the arse about 14.5 years ago.

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diddl · 15/02/2018 09:30

The lending out of the house is bad enough-but you repairing/clearing up after her?

That's just adding insult to injury.

You should have stayed at home & told her to fuck off when she arrived.

I wonder if she even directly asked or if it was more "you have a fire (how would she ven know that??), oh I'd love Christmas in a place with a fire" & he just offered.

Either way, he's without boundaries & abusive.

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abilockhart · 15/02/2018 09:41

The bit that is hardest to comprehend is why on earth you are still with him?

It not as if you even like each other.

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MyBrilliantDisguise · 15/02/2018 09:50

He sounds insane! Who on earth lends their house to someone over Christmas when they have a perfectly good home of their own just down the street?

I'm sure there are times when you and he get on okay, but the bad times far, far outweigh those, surely? Telling you that you need therapy because you disagree with him would be my limit. That and not speaking for a month. Oh and letting a stranger have my house for Christmas.

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yrhengi · 15/02/2018 10:11

Not speaking for a month takes some determination on both sides.

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CherryMaDeary · 15/02/2018 10:13

Not speaking for a month takes some determination on both sides.

I suspect that the H stops speaking to OP and she got tired of being the one to always mollify him and get him to talk again.

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OutyMcOutface · 15/02/2018 10:16

Unless you DH was trying to sleep with her then he is completely bonkers. Thatvis the only explanation.

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CherryMaDeary · 15/02/2018 11:39

Not necessarily, I have a brother who is so worried about strangers at the expense of his family. e.g. builders have to be paid even if they haven't finished a job or done a really bad job.

Vague acquaintances have to be given red carpet treatment. Not sure why some people are like this.

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RaspberryRipple63 · 15/02/2018 16:46

Seriously? Why are you still with this cunt man? He overrides your wishes,calls you a selfish,crazy bitch and prioritises everyone else over you,and by your own admission,everyone else is more important to him than you. I really am struggling to understand why you stay with him.

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WhiteWalkersWife · 15/02/2018 16:48

Is he shagging this woman? Why is he prioritising her over you? Over his family?

It sounds like a horrible way to live...knowing your husband would rather look after a random then his family.

Why did you stay with someone like this or did he change?

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WhiteWalkersWife · 15/02/2018 16:49

Thats without even touching on his temper and the nasty names!

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expatinscotland · 15/02/2018 16:51

Get a solicitor. Apply to divorce. He's a cunt.

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Trinity66 · 15/02/2018 16:54

Stop focusing on the girl and focus on the fact that your husband is a cunt, seriously. Why are you allowing him to speak to you like that and have no say in things?

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5foot5 · 15/02/2018 17:02

Does he have really low self-esteem which makes him want to ingratiate himself to an absurd level with virtual strangers?

Really, really couldn't live with someone like this.

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milliemolliemou · 15/02/2018 17:20

OP truly think about whether you want to spend your life with an obnoxious flatmate. I have several friends who have this sort of husband or partner - utterly charming outside but a serious pain to live with "come back to mine" (when it's a quiet evening and the kids are in bed) "stay for the night" (but won't do the sheets) "my DP will rustle something up" (but doesn't cook) "my DP will collect us from the pub" (so we can all get rat-faced) etc etc. It's not worth wasting your life on this, truly. And PS I expect he just bowed to Made in Chelsea babe because he has some sort of ingrained lack of pride.

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Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2018 17:21

He sounds god awful, I think he had a thing for her tbh.

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Trinity66 · 15/02/2018 17:23

milliemolliemou

Street angel, house devil....as my mother would say Grin

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user7680 · 15/02/2018 17:31

Wow that’s just too wierd he needs therapy

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Gigimoll · 15/02/2018 17:33

Oh gosh I'd be raging. Absolutely raging. To hand over the keys to her?
I'd pack up and leave especially if you have young dc

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SandyY2K · 15/02/2018 17:36

Neither me or my DH would invite anyone to occupy our home in our absence...apart from a relative.

I don't understand the dynamics in your marriage to allow that and speak you with such disregard.

I'd be thinking he has/had a thing going on with her.

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singme · 15/02/2018 18:43

Sounds a bit like my husband, constantly inviting his friends to stay, would do literally anything for them, but when I need a favour or if it’s time to tidy up after said guests he’s suddenly too tired and I’m “nagging”.

We watched the film “mother!” and he said Javier Bardems character was like him!

We are separating for other reasons but the constant invasion of my home is a real reason that I am moving out.

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Gottagetmoving · 15/02/2018 19:03

I didn't really get past the bit that said he called you a Bitch.
I wouldn't be with anyone who called me that.
Even if DP and I have a massive argument he would never call me a Bitch or anything else like it.
I'm shocked by how many women seem to accept this from their partners.

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